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Are BMs on the forum?

LOLA_EG12's picture

By that I mean BMs who are not actually step parents and only come here to shit on real SP who come here thinking it's okay to vent? I see so many responses from "step parents" who sound more like bitter ass BMs and feel the need to come here and defend the fact that the ncp is a piece of shit, or that cs is totally fair by any and all means necessary, or that you should be ashamed that you complain about ur step child, or "how dare you not love your stepchildren". For the lost part most of us here agree that the system is fucked up and although there is nothing wrong with having an opinion, some opinions here belong on the other side of the spectrum ( bms spectrum). 

Sweet T's picture

I joined 13 years ago when I was just a step mom...then I had BS mow 12 and 6 years ago I got liberated... I mean divorced. I read occasionally.. offer advise , rarely post any more.

 

Letti.R's picture

I am neither.
Free internet - for now - and I don't feel it necessary to police the viewpoints of a diverse community present here, whatever their breeding/marital status.

Opinions I don't like/disagree with,  I ignore or challenge.
You can scroll on.
On blogs, the delete button is your friend.

I got dumped on a few times in the beginning because I was defending a really messed up situation: sometimes you can learn from people who give you advice you don't like or may seem harsh.
A contrary view is not necessary wrong, even if it is delivered with all the subtley of a sledgehammer.

All I can say is that this site and some of the people here  (or even gone now) saved me from making one of the worst mistakes of my life and I remain ever grateful to people here.
Except of course to the annoying occassional trolls and irritating shit stirrers Smile
You will get to know the difference.

This is an open internet site - don't take it overly seriously or  personally.

tog redux's picture

Yes, there a couple who are only BMs who dislike stepmothers and come here to push their agenda.

STaround's picture

And would NEVER suggest that a SM should love her Stepkids.   In my household, we expect that everyone be civil to each other.  Love cannot be mandated, and frankly, imho, will not likely occur unless the marriage occurs when the kids are very young, or for quite a number of years.

Thisisnotus's picture

I’d love to lurk on a BM board....

how dare she marry my ex

how dare they have a child

how dare they take my kids to a movie

Any advice on how to totally PAS the kids in revenge?

what are your tips for keeping control of your exes house?

My EX won’t engage with me anymore do you guys have some good threats I can use on him to scare him into submission?

so I’ve told the in-laws, family, the school, the doctor about what an awful parent my ex is....am I forgetting anyone?

this single parent thing is so hard.....on top of the 1k a month child support and my ex having the kids 50 percent of the time....I just can’t do all this by myself 

Monkeysee's picture

LOL ROFL

CLove's picture

Oh em gee.

That was too funny! I often wonder what the "other side" looks like. There are lots of divored people who co parent normally, but that is not OUR BM's playbook, unfortunately.

I have spent too much time trying to figure that chit out, So many games and agendas to keep track of.

There must be a site like this!!!

advice.only2's picture

"BM's and DH"s and SKIDS oh my!" I'm pretty sure there are a ton of BM's on here keeping a low profile trying to figure out which SM is their precious childs wicked SM!

momjeans's picture

"I'm pretty sure there are a ton of BM's on here keeping a low profile trying to figure out which SM is their precious childs wicked SM!”

O M G.

I would LOVE it if BM were an active lurker on this site and put two and two together, because truth hurts. 

bananaseedo's picture

Yes, there are several-there are also several who claim they are both but post solely like GUBM's would-in fact I saw most of them on this thread already lol .  There are about 5-6 that regularly go after the sm's in a way that reminds me of times past on the board

 

simifan's picture

I'm also just a BM at this point, I too was "liberated" from steplife - although I'm told everything is still my fault - go figure. 

stepmominhiding's picture

Don't you know?  It will always and forever be your fault..... it will never be exDH's fault. It will never be BM's fault and don't even think of blaming poor innocent SKIDS. How could they have contributed to any of the fall out in your SM life? 

Sandybeaches's picture

Bottom line is there is seriously something wrong with a BM who wastes their time coming to this forum to get involved in conversations and input opinions into SM posts.  

We come here because we share a bond and an issue and look for validation and advice.  They come here because they have waaaayyyyyyyyy too much time on their hands and probably a bit of insecurity about the SM situation and want to feed their insecurity by bashing SM's.  Something is wrong with them not us!  They should just be ignored!!  

tog redux's picture

Agreed. There is some deep-seated psychological issue driving someone who needs to post daily on a site that has no relevance to their lives, just because they were once offended by someone who was a stepmother.  Dear god, get over it.

still learning's picture

I am a BM and SM.  SM to adult skids and BM to adult and almost adults.  I have worked out most of the SM issues by disengaging and turning everything back to DH. There were many responsibilities I took on that were in no way my responsibility. These grown men had their lives, they have a mother and a father. Their first family drama is completely theirs and I keep a far radius from it.  I understand that they have dysfunction from the drama DH and BM inflicted on them but there is absolutley nothing I can do about it and I will not be their punching bag or door mat.  

As a BM reading on this site I do admit that my eyes roll to the back of my head sometimes. I read about these saintly divorced men who the OP claims had no part in breaking up their first families and who are Father of the Year and the Love of my Life...the only problem is those horrible children and his ex wife (who he's often still legally married to).   As a BM who heard the nastiest untrue things about myself after my divorce, I take these one sided stories with a grain of salt. 

As a mother (BM) I will do everything I can to take care of my kids and make sure they have the best life possible. Right now I'm in the process of readjusting child support because my children have the right to be supported by both parents. I do make less than my ex because I stupidly supported him by working minimum wage jobs and juggling being a mother while he focused on school and graduate school.  I thought I was investing in my future but in the end it was all about him.  I am still working on my first degree because I have had the kids almost full time while he's went off and lived his life and built his career child free. He's pays a miniscule amount that was ordered over a decade ago and is fighting any change saying that I should just get a better job and work more.  

This man has seen his minor child exactly 18 overnights in the last 3 years because he says, "I work" and "I have to work on my relationship (his 3rd marriage)." I know the horrible lies he tells about me because my kids parrot them back to me all the while my tongue is bleeding from biting it so hard so I don't say anything negative about him.  It's ridiculous that he tries to alienate them from me and put himself in a positive light when he never sees them and he has joint custody and 50% visitaiton, he just chooses not to exercise it.  Maybe the system isn't fair but neither is divorce fair. Statistically a woman's standard of living plummets while the mans escalates.  

Anytime I see a SM with bad english posting about her horrible step children and how the BM is such a lazy loser I wonder if it's exH's third wife, the rich divorcee, whose child is a trust fund kid, coming to complain that I dare ask for more child support.  

bananaseedo's picture

I will say, you should go for the increase in CS_ just like I should have YEARS ago.  Instead my kids suffered because I didn't pursue it.  That said, after 10 yrs you can no longer blame your ex for not improving your job/career situation, you had more then enough time to fix it, kwim?

Trust I know also all about the under-involved dad, my ex has always been about himself and his children have paid a deep price because of it-so I get that. 

 

tog redux's picture

We all come from our own perspective.  I read your account and I think:

  • blaming ex 10 years after divorce for all that's gone wrong in the 10 years - GUBM check
  • claiming ex never wants to see the kids and tries to alienate her - GUBM check
  • insulting ex's new wife -GUBM check
  • bitter and not taking any ownership of her own choices - GUBM check

 

If you spoke to BM in our situation, she'd play the martyr about how she's raised SS on her own, her standard of living is awful because he left her, DH didn't care about SS, he broke up their marriage and married someone new who is (whatever, fill in the blank), how she tried and tried to get DH to have a relationship with SS, but he was so abusive to SS that SS chose not to

...Truth?  BM had an affair, she alienated SS from DH, she makes 100K and is in debt because of her own crap money management, not DH leaving her, and she chooses to be bitter after 10 years.  

So yeah, when I read a post like yours, I roll MY eyes.

ETA: Not saying you are a GUBM - but it can read like one whether you mean to or not.  Just like a new SM's post might read as  naive.

Sandybeaches's picture

Many of us are SM's and BM's on the site.  OP is referring to BM's on the site that are NOT SM's coming on to bash SM's as their only purpose.  

Stepmomtimes2's picture

I know for a FACT my DH’s crazy BM has been on here looking for me to see if she can dig up dirt on me or us. “Comments” have been made in family court/Mediation. This being said I’ve changed just enough details for her NOT to be able to prove anything in court but enough to get the wonderful help from everyone on here. Oh I’ve Also had to make three different accounts to keep the her from Piecing things together. Again I think she has but nothing she can prove in court so that’s all that maters.