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Anyone's BM ever threaten you to stay away from an activity?

Anna21's picture

Things with our BM are never good. IMHO she is a narcissistic, borderline personality type of crazy (just saying). On the exterior she comes off as being so Nice, Kind, Good, Mother Teresa. Yuck.
Anyhow, our recent spring break with skids was fraught with SD16 being ill and us trying to get her to eat a bland diet, yes it was THAT type of illness. No sooner were we back than SD16 ran to her mother to condemn us both as heartless mean people, but me especially. Getting somewhat used to this now.
BM sent two texts to DH to say "rant, rant.....and she had better not show up at......"and listed off a few games and the track meets that DH likes me to go to. Part of me is saying Phew! this is my chance to say I cannot go and avoid the drama and hateful glares. The other part of me is saying oh no way lady do you tell me where I can and cannot go. If you have been threatened off attending something, what did you do?

peacemaker's picture

Freedom to choose for yourself void of any influence form sd or bm is a priceless commodity...i love this skeeter!!!

Anna21's picture

That is a great way to look at it! I honestly dont want to go, I have more than enough to do at home or with friends and my own BD. And you are right, I can and will never win with this crazy woman. I will admit it galls me to think she will have won but you are right. Who wins really if I continue to attend these things, all the time dreading it and being miserable? She does. She is renting free space in my head these days and I need to focus on my own life.

Jsmom's picture

I would have been thrilled to skip that stuff. Use this as an excuse. BM thinks she won and yet you know better.

TJH100911's picture

I go when I want to, I don't when I don't.

BM cannot tell you you cannot go to a public place. I have told DH "Oh, I must have missed the property transfer in the paper where BM bought the soccer field. Let me go check online.....well, no she still doesn't own it so she doesn't tell me what to do."

Anna21's picture

LOL. I definitely don't want to go to anymore of their games. SD16 is getting as bad as her mother, already there really. Another narcissist who wants lots of people to ooh and aah at her track meets. And I did all the games with my own kids, I don't need the experience! I know she has no right to prevent me from going......and yes this is my "out". I am going to take the opportunity to NOT spend time with the skids and take time for myself instead. Smile Who needs the drama? If she thinks she has won then so be it. I really will have won by having peace of mind and extra time for myself and I will know it!
Thanks so much for all your feedback.

misSTEP's picture

Although our BM was never ballsy enough to "forbid" me to go to any skid activities, early on she DID try to control what I did. When I met my DH, he didn't drive and didn't have a car/license. She knew this. So I ended up being at every exchange.

First she said, "SHE cannot park in my driveway." Fine, I parked on the street. Then, "SHE cannot park in front of my house." I laughed when DH told me this one. I said, "Let her call the cops. Streets are public and she doesn't own the one in front of her house."

Then she tried to say that I wasn't "allowed" to drive the skids. Only DH. Knowing that he had no license. So, just to humor the crazy woman, we would swap a block away and then swap back once we got the skids.

Of course, then she decided to come outside for who knows WHAT reason and freak out on us when the skids were already in the backseat. That gained her a trip to court for DH to iron out HIS rights, get a No Contact Order on her and have all the exchanges at a neutral third-party place especially for high-conflict parents. Biggrin Best move ever. We went for years without having to see BM except at court.

Maxwell09's picture

Yeah I would just have your DH send back "Anna can and will attend any and all functions that SHE chooses to go to." That solves the whole "she can't tell me what to do" and " well I don't want to go anyway" inner battle.

luchay's picture

I agree, I would use it as an out and enjoy my free time.

BUT - I would also show up once in a while, just to Pee her off and let her know that she doesn't tell me what to do, and that *I* choose whether I am there or not.

HolyShmokey's picture

^^I agree with this, a lot! I-m so happy

Come and go as you choose, but do not let BM (or SD) think they won or you are obeying their orders. When you do miss one, let it be clear you had better your nails done, had a salon appointment, or something. Smile

Rags's picture

You go!!! Be amazing, look spectacular, laugh often, bask in your SO's presence, and put BM to shame. Be charming with the other folks in attendance and let BM wilt in light of your amazing life. Cheer for your Skid' team, be proudly on DH's arm. Make it all about being front, center, happy in your life, and subtly snarky and proudly in BM's face. }:) Dirol

That is what I would do.

My wife struggles a bit with the mostly self imposed stigma of being a former 16 & Pregnant Single Teen Mom from a background of poverty. She would tend to wilt as we got closer to a court date in the ongoing battle with the Sperm Clan in defense of my Skid's best interests. I had no tolerance for that crap. I pumped her up, took her out to find the perfect professional and ripping HOT, HOT, HOT business suit, had it tailored to fit her impeccably, shopped for sexy but professional shoes to wear to court, booked appointments at a top end spa for a full hair, makeup, skin care make over and massage, and when she walked into court the first time she was not the former 16 & pregnant/Single Teen Mom she was the honors college student, business administrator, power mom. She was only 18 but the transformation was powerful. It just kept getting better. The next time we went to court she was the recent honors MBA graduate and CPA candidate working in a high profile career. She just kept increasingly radiating her happiness and accomplishments and the Sperm Idiot and Sperm Clan kept looking like the toothless Redneck idiot morons that they are. On each occasion we have been to court the Judges have responded very well to her professional and stylish personal presentation and her strong academic and professional accomplishments.

She had the same struggles before her 10 year HS reunion. She was nervous about her classmates remembering her only as the chick who got pregnant during her Jr. year of HS. Actually not that many of her classmates even remembered that she had a kid while in HS but the few that did remember were shocked that she had only one kid and expected her to have several. At that time she was in grad school and was about a year from completing her MBA. Her friends relished in how radiant she was and how some of their former asshole classmates retreated to the corners when my bride approached.

Then came her 20 year reunion. By then she was an MBA/CPA who had a very successful career and we were working as international expats. She had the same struggles but to a lesser degree regarding concerns about the stigma of having had a kid at 16. Several people asked about the Skid who at that time was 19 and in the USAF. She won several of the awards at that reunion and she was spectacularly radiant and beautiful. About 2 years before that reunion she had become a work out Nazi and had lost 60+lbs. Several of her male classmates approached me during that reunion to recount the crushes they had on her during HS. She is now a central figure on her class FB group and gets calls frequently from classmates checking in and networking for her help in career referrals. Interestingly many of them also contact her to recount recent pathetic Sperm Idiot sightings. Mini reunions crop up around her annual Spring trip back to her home town. I go with her about every other or every third year of so. She nails it. That is what living well and being happy and confident can do. The people of character gravitate to you and the idiots are repelled.

It works.

So, go, be radiant, be happy, be confident, and put it all firmly in the face of the toxic BM.

Own her idiot ass.

And most of all ... have fun doing it. }:)

IMHO of course.

unluckytwin's picture

Rags, you're the best! Dirol

OP, I was thinking a combination of some of the advice here: don't plan to go and stay the length of the activity (because after all, you don't want to!), but pop in, and act like Rags suggested. Maybe your DH will "forget" something at home and you'll drop by just to drop it off with him? Smiling, happy, "hi honey, just bringing this since you forgot it!" kissy-kiss, "off to my [exciting activity!]" all the while ignoring BM. Enough to show you won't stay away just because BM said so, enough to show how happy you and DH are, and enough to look like you've got better plans. Smile

Edit: or maybe not something he "forgot"--maybe drop in with a warm coffee drink on a cool day or something that says "was just thinking of you and wanted to be generous without being too over-the-top or inappropriate for the setting." A chance to be sweet to your DH. Smile

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Rags, if you were a first time poster, I'd think you were making this up, LOL! Kudos to being such an awesome support system for your DW. I'm sure that you are a huge reason why she is the successful lady she is today. You rock!

Anna21's picture

Oh wonderful ideas!! Yes when I told DH I wouldnt go anymore he was "no way" and feels that BM will just lord it over us for evermore and that she will be triumphant in successfully threatening me off. And he likes me to go with him, we have a good relationship and are good company together. So I will compromise and stay away from the practice this Saturday morning but turn up for the game itself with a cool glass of water for DH and a big hug for him too. As Rags suggested, I will make sure I look like a million. And smile and laugh with everyone around me. Inside me I do feel upset because I dont like conflict, makes me uncomfortable. It feels like I am in middle school again ya know? So I will go to some when I want to, and others when I dont want to. But this Saturday I will go, just so she knows she has no say in it.

Rags's picture

The only way to effectively deal with a bully is to confront them and when necessary kick their ass. (Figuratively in this case of course). The only conflict will be started by her. When she starts it, what ever it may be, finish it. Win. No guilt, no nerves, just pure enjoyable dominance. Sure, feel sorry for how pathetic she is but beyond that don't give her a thought at all.

The relationship you and DH have is the foundation of your victory so enjoy your life whether she takes issue with that or not.

This is her problem, not yours.

MamaDuck's picture

My SO recently replied to a similar demand from BM with;

"[Mama Duck] is an adult, she goes where she wants when she wants. I have no right to tell her that she can't attend something in a public place, and neither do you. Try to be happy that our daughter has several people proud of her and happy to cheer her on."

She replied with a long winded b!tch and moan text.

"I cannot help you, perhaps you should seek therapy. I will not be replying to further messages about this."