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Anyone feel like having skids puts a damper on your relationship with bios?

sunshinex's picture

As most people here know, we have full-time custody of my 7-year-old stepdaughter whose mom is fairly uninvolved. She takes her for visitation for 2 months of the summer and that's about it. She MAY take her for a week here and there on holidays/school breaks but it's rare. Today, being mother's day, I couldn't help but feel down and upset that again, we have SD on mother's day and my time can't be devoted to my 18-month-old son. 

I managed to sneakily get some time alone with him today. I told DH I would take him out so he could clean the house for me without him getting in the way, so I took him out for 3 hours, and surprisingly, DH didn't ask me to take SD too. it was amazing. Absolutely wonderful. We went to a waterpark and out to lunch afterward. We had so much fun, and it made me realize, I don't get the chance to do this often. And it breaks my heart.

I almost never get alone time with my son without SD around. I work 9-5 then my husband works 5-1am, so anytime I'm with my son, she's around. And she's always trying to monopolize the attention and doesn't show much appreciation so I don't bother taking them places because I know it won't be enjoyable with her. It just breaks my heart. 

And I know it's not fair to her. Her mom is uninvolved and her stepmom doesn't enjoy spending time with her, but I can't help but feel like I wish I could just enjoy my son without her being around. Anyone else with biokids feel this way? 

 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Nope! I’m disengaged. No DH no stepbrat.

I do for my real kids.

 I’m glad you got to have fun with your precious son! Happy Mother’s Day, sunshine.

Frustrated future SM's picture

No. We don't live together so my daughter gets all my attention and I get to take her places and have a great time. The three of us spend time together when his kids aren't around, sometimes the 5 of us spend time together but rarely these days, but I leave him to spend his time with them alone on his weekends.

secret's picture

Get a mother's helper for an hour or 2 a few days a week... go out with your son and leave SD with them.

If dh has something to say about it, he can help choose your helper...reality is it's YOU having to watch her so.. 

TwoOfUs's picture

I don't have bios...but my sister has felt this way and talked to me about it. Her SS is 13 and they unexpectedly got full custody of him when he was 4 going on 5, when her first baby was less than a year old. She did think that it took a lot of the luster away from that experience of her first child...and she felt resentful that her husband didn't seem to get that at all and expected her to love them both equally...when she was a young, new mother herself. 

Now he's a part of their home and she does love him. But sometimes she still wants time with "her" kids alone, and that's OK. 

flmomma08's picture

Why does your DH have full custody if you're the one watching SD majority of the time?

I know what you mean as far as her always being around... we had SD full time for 5 years before BM popped back up and now SD is with her full time. You never know what the future holds. I thought SD would always be with us, but as soon as she got the chance she went with BM and we haven't seen her much since.

sunshinex's picture

I feel awful for thinking it, but I often hope when she's old enough to be a catty pre-teen, she'll decide to go live with BM. I just don't know if BM would even take her. 

flmomma08's picture

Don't feel bad! I wished for it too but never thought it would actually happen. I know SD is better off here but I am trying to embrace this since it's what so many SMs hope for! Glad you were able to have some time with your bio yesterday!

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

I have a son(14) and an SS(18). I have always tried to make "us" time for my son and I, even though I do love my SS. BS is my only child and I need to have a good relationship with him, which includes one on one time with him alone. Sometimes it means doing thing with him and his friends like soccer or ice-skating or  a lunch out...  It is easier now that SS is older and pretty much does his own thing.
Do not feel guilty about wanting to spend time with your own child. It is not your fault her parents are busy or do not really care. You aren't there to make up for that loss, so please don't try because you cannot. I don't mean this harshly, it is a lesson learned in that my son's father is dead and I cannot make up for that either - no one can.

Jcksjj's picture

Yes. Like to the point that I was actually considering writing a post about this. ODS I got to do all the fun little kid things with just him and have the attention on just him. I didn't realize when I had YDS with DH how much I was going to resent not getting to do all that without having to include SD. She makes it unenjoyable to celebrate holidays or go on vacation or have any of the firsts with YDS. And yes I basically feel like having to deal with her is stealing alot of the joy out of the baby/toddler years that I love so much and dont last very long. 

With ODS it gets annoying because he and SD are in the same school and grade so I cant go to his school play without seeing SD and BM with their noses up in the air or pick him up from school in the weeks SD is gone without running into her and BM still. That's annoys me less than the stuff with YDS but it's still annoying.

sunshinex's picture

It really is difficult, especially the young toddler years. I find it so beautiful - watching him take joy in simple things like splashing through the water in a little pool or bouncing in a bouncy castle for the first time. It's like, all I want to do is see the wonder in his eyes as we experience these little things together. But then there's SD yelling "LOOK AT ME MOMMA LOOK AT ME" doing something I've seen her do x50 before or noticing the attention is on my son so she has to interrupt with "do cats have arms?" or something dumb. It sucks. 

Jcksjj's picture

Ugh yeah. SD does that with both of my kids. All of the attention from everyone needs to be on her at all times, no exceptions. As she gets older other people are starting to get more fed up with it also but when she was younger everyone always entertained it or felt sorry for her because she must be neglected to need so much attention - uh no not even close she was taught shes the center of the universe and wants to keep it that way.

EvilStepMom1977's picture

Last night I got home and skids were at my house alone.  Partner has therapy on Thursday nights and his ex has been jacking with his parent time so she changed his night.  Then he had to decide whether or not to go to his appointment.  He decided to go.

So I get home from work and the kids are there and my partner is not and I'm like wtf.  This is your parent time not mine.  To be clear I'm angrier at his ex.  If he had chosen not to have the kids that night she would have held that against him.  He was in a no win situation. Even so I was irritated.

So I basically grabbed my kids and said "Let's go to dinner". Daughter didn't want to go so I took son.  It was great.  He's 15 and autistic but he was chatting it up with me .

I'm pretty disengaged from my skids.  Not my kids.  Not my responsibility.

I do stuff with just my kids a lot.  I've told my partner I need alone time with my kids.  

I got mad a couple months ago because it was a three day weekend and his son wanted to stay the extra day and he asked me in front of his kid.  I told him not to do that again.  I explained that I was looking forward to spending that third day with quality time with MY kids.  Nothing against his son. 

Those kids are not my kids and I'm done pretending they are.  Sorry not sorry 

lorlors's picture

It is a long weekend here in Sydney and SD is at BMs but tried that on too. She asked DH to come back on Sunday. ‘Erm NO! Stay at your bloody mothers until Monday night!’ I thought whilst praying DH wouldn’t give in; especially given she lives with us full frickin time and I get limited time with my little baby son as it is.

Luckily for DH, he knows not to awaken Smaug (me LOL) and basically told her straight that she was at BMs for the long weekend.

Bex_S's picture

If anything it makes my relationship with my son stronger. My hatred for that fucking brat only makes me realise more how much I love my son, and need to cherish him and raise him to be a decent person, because I have a daily reminder of what he could turn into if I fuck up. Although it is frustrating to have my son compared so some other woman's spawn all the time and have said spawn constantly competing for attention and belittling and bullying him. Unless something changes, my son is going to grow up being made to feel miserable and victimised in his own home, by someone who is *shudders* blood related and is supposed to love him.