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Is anyone else married to a DH who gets angry at "you", because of BM?!

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture


This is it. After last night, and the way DH 'sided' with his ex, that did it. SS8 has TWO parents? So, SS8 came over yesterday and I had 'thought' that he had school clothes in the dryer for the next day, but apparently they had been taken back home. OK, A: Honestly, this is not MY responsibility, right? B: Shouldn't the parents double check just to make sure that THEIR child has what they need and not lay all responsibilities on the step-whatever?

I mean, I have my hands full already with BS1 and DH's 'laundry' has sat in the dryer now, for a WHOLE WEEK because I had come to him, over and over and begged him to help out a wee bit, with just 'his' weight around the house. Big deal, right? I'm not this man's mother. I AM a mother... So, DH, of course, got VERY mad at me, after I had mentioned the clothes sitch much earlier on that day to him, but he went to sleep in the afternoon, for THREE hours as HIS son roamed the streets, the entire time. Did he look then? NO. So, I go to DH and say, "I have no idea as to where your son is", and he just mumbles something. He got up finally and it was almost dinner time. (what is the visitation even for?)

Again, back to the subject; DH FINALLY looked for clothes, got mad at me???, and runs outside to call his ex-wife, He said to her, "SS8 does not have any school clothes", and BM must have said, "Butterfly told me that he did", because I heard DH say back to her; "I know that SHE said that."

Excuse me???

Now, THAT PISSED ME OFF. This is NOT MY KID? Why am I the monster here and they should both be kissing my ass anyways. I taught THEIR son how to wash his own HAIR last night even?

Deep breath here... So, DH is saying all of this really mean crap to me, because the two of them can't get their shit together. Why does this kid not have some of his OWN clothes here? WHY can they both pack up a damn Wii game in a huge suitcase, but forget his clothes and backpack and WHY does MY husband turn around and be submissive to his ex-wife in these matters and verbally abuse ME, like I am actually THEIR son's BM?

Does anybody else see this screwed up pattern? It ONLY happens when SS8 is here and his ex-wife is screwing up somehow. Then, DH will try to go back being 'nice', like nothing ever happened.

It also llooks like to me now that SS8 will ALWAYS be 1st in his life, DH will ALWAYS cower to BM and somewhere down there, you might find me and BS1.

No thanks. I'll be planning a way out of this screwed up 'marriage', with BS1. NO WAY I want BS1 around this type of immaturity.

I could use some support and advice here from you guys. I'm not happy. I was crying last night, (stupid) and asking DH "Why are you so angry at me? SS8 has a mom? THIS ISN'T my RESPONSIBILITY?!"

He gave me a very scary look, and did not say a word to me . He wouldn't want to look bad in front of SS8 and perhaps THEIR son might hear what morons they are for once instead of "pretending", like they both do in his presence. Wow. Now, DH has said to me, "It's OVER with us." He likesw to hurt me, doesn't he? I think I'll take him up on that offer. If he is willing to destroy this family because of BM and SS8, no thanks, BS1 and myself will just pick up the pieces and move on.

The right thing for DH to do/say would have been this; "It's OK. BM and myself should have made sure that our son had school clothing here. I know sweetie that you have been overwhelmed here with taking care of BS1, working. I'll go over and grab some clothes."


hustonwehavea's picture

You are receiving no respect from your husband why stay?

If you are not working it is the norm that you will do the washing and cleaning which I do not find a fault with, if you are working however its should be 50/50 that being said it is not your responsibility to clean after his child it is his. EDIT just realized you have a baby that in itself is a job, so tell him the house work is 50/50 or nothing! If he is incapable that is not your problem its his and with the anger and disrespect he is showing you ask yourself are you willing to be the piggy in the middle all your life. He should not be chatting about your personal life with his ex PERIOD and if he does that's a MASSIVE warning sign and I would be weary.

If you decide to stay you must lay down ground rules, you will not clean after his child. Its his responsibility and visitation should be at times he is awake and ready to look after him, if its not you make sure to be out of the house 20/30 minutes before his child comes and make sure not to be back before he leaves. What a lot of bio parents think is that its our responsibility as a step parent to give 50% to their child when in reality they should thank us for giving 10%.

If you stay get some rules in place and tell him, if they are enforced it will be you who is leaving and that its not an idle threat it's a promise and actually follow it through.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

I feel you on the C/S. OMG- Everytime that topic is 'brought up', he totally flips out, as in scary flipping out even.

You shouldn't have to live in fear of bringing up a normal topic such as 'finances'.

PeanutandSons's picture

Next time Dh takes a nap when he's supposed to be watching his kid, pack up BS and leave.

My Dh used to do this all the time. He'd be passed out napping for hours while I was left struggling to control his kids. A few weeks ago, I just left. I packed up my two boys and left. He woke up to a house in pure chaos as how kids were unsupervised, and behave like rabid animals. He hasn't napper with the kids in the house since.

I didnt realize it until that day, but I was enabling him. He was able to freely nap the day away because he knew I was there tending his kids. As soon as I removed the illusion of responsibilty, he had to step up. The absense of my presence in the home let him see his responsibility to supervise his own kids.

If ever he does it again, I shall do the same. Every single time. I don't get to nap because I have two small children who need to be supervised, he doesn't get to nap because he has two undiciplined children that dang he trusted. I am done talk.g on more work myself so that he can shirk his responsibilities.

ybarra357's picture

"I didnt realize it until that day, but I was enabling him."

A very profound realization, isnt' it? And so very true.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

This guy has been enabled by someone, his entire life. His parents have bailed him out of soooo many things.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

I actually 'almost' did this yesterday. BS1 was taking a very long nap though. It looks like that gave DH the 'chance' to nap as well.

Yeah DH, let your son go play at a home where there was NO ADULT there and he has seen ghetto cruisers pull up with music blaring there too. Oh yeah, that's a great idea, DH?

DH just leaves the door unlocked for his son and off to sleep he goes, for almost 3 hours?!

BTW- His son is flunking every subject in school.

giveitago's picture

The higher ground is where you see all the errors from, too damned clearly! I told DH one time that I am not responsible for how they both Fu@#ed up those kids and I am not carrying the can for it. As time went on, a couple or three years, I saw how nothing would alter the kids' basic personalities, or ours! DH and I love each other very much and want to stay married. I disengaged from SKids and he pretty soon saw what was going on, they could no longer blame me for everything, and he took a firmer line with them.
That the kid was roaming the streets is alarming, at 8 years of age? Wake the hell up DAD!
What I found was the worst thing I could do is to actually let them know how annoyed I was about the situations. Vent on here but stay CALM with them. It's almost impossible but there's damn all you can do in reality so, please, accept that and reconcile your own self to what you will do next. I do not know you personally but I believe you can handle this though.

WTHDISUF's picture

It sounds like it should be over unfortunately. I have had some issues with DH cowering to BM. Anytime I'd point out how BM was taking advantage of him, he'd say I was just trying to drive a wedge between them so that she'd take SS out of his life. He always put off anything I said about her as "you just don't like SS". It took a serious blow up for him to see that it was never about the skid but about him and his relationship with the controlling, unappreciative wildebeest. I was losing all respect for him for letting her run him over and hold him by the balls for this kid that wasn't even his. It impacted every area of our lives and while he thought it was all okay (just like your DH) when nothing was happening 'at the moment', I was seething inside. It was not per incident--it was our whole lives.

But once I let go of the reasonable, logical calm self I try to be and went apesh*t on him, it was kind of a wake up call to him as to just how bad this was. Surely he knew I wasn't flipping out for no reason as he knows that's not me. Something in his brain clicked I think when I added up the amount of money she'd asked for & received over the previous 2 months (nearly $2K). When I tallied up how often we had SS8 this Summer (little over half the summer) at HER request so she could go out of town or just be free, he kind of quieted down because emotion aside, he couldn't deny the facts. I described it to him as an Outsider and as if HE were someone else that I was telling him about. "Imagine if this was happening to Brian (his best friend). What would you tell him?" I made him step outside and look at it from an objective perspective as to if this was happening to someone he loved, what advice would he give them.

After that confrontation and my disengagement, something changed and slowly but surely we're getting on track. If you stay, disengage. Don't do any laundry for DH (I don't do SS8 laundry anymore) and then you can't be responsible for knowing if he has anything there or not. "I don't know; you'll have to check" is the only answer you could give and it'd be honest answer. Let go of all responsibility related to him and you can't be blamed for anything.

RedWingsFan's picture

I'm so sorry you're going through this. DH has obviously chosen his priorities and unfortunately, from the sounds of it, it's not you and your son.

I'd be planning my eventual departure at this point. Then again, I've lived my life for others long enough and I can definitely say I'm bitter and jaded. If my DH didn't put me and our relationship first, I'd have been gone a long time ago.

Good luck with whatever choice you make. I'm right here if you need me!

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

I'm here. I'm just now reading your comments. I had two calls and was taking care of my... BS1.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

I do work from home right now, FYI IT field- security update installations, etC.

I have put in 50% (if not more) of the income into this household, since I met him. DH has not once ever supported me at all. Not 100% AS FAR AS INCOME.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

What I can't 'get' is why he turns into another "person?" It is like he has some VERY major issues STILL, about his ex-wife? IF you bring ANYTHING THAT IS REAL, up to this man, he totally blows up and goes nuts? I mean, it is scary?!

I have never seen anyone turn from one persona so quickly in regards to a caertain topic, into another person all together?

DH: After the issues w/ clothes and his ex-wife cutting him down yesterday in the driveway about their son's problems atr school:

DH: "Does he have Dyslexya??? BM:"NO, honey. He is PERFECTLY NORMAL." She is ticked off about DH's lack of real presence in their son's life actually. DH thinks he can pop in and out and play "concerned dad role", as I coined it.

DH after he realized that he had to go 20 miles to get clothes at 9 PM...

" Butterfly, go fuck yourself. I'm tired of your drama, This is OVER, I'm NOT happy, I'm miserable, (yet he loves me like no other, 99% of the time?), "Good, fucking go to your mom's. I'll FINALLY be happy." "IF you don't shut the fuck up, butterfly, I'm going to........"

This because I said in front of SSS8 that this was not my fault, nobody had the right to be angry at me, ?"

Then he blew up because his son heard me. He likes to BS the poor kid. DH makes little money now and doesn't want his poor ego busted.

What is the flip-flop personality thing though whenever his ex-wife is involved?>

Really dude?

Now he is giving me the normal "pissed off, silent treatment" today.

PeanutandSons's picture

That is not ok how he speaks to you. Not at all.

Do you two ever discuss what he says after he has calmed down? Or is it just 'pretend it never happened'?

ybarra357's picture

""IF you don't shut the fuck up, butterfly, I'm going to......."

Yeah, he's gonna what??? Sounds like a threat to me. And depending on your state, he cannot force you out the door. He needs a court order and if he lays a hand on you, you can have his ass arrested.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

He thinks that this is HIS house for some reason. Yes, I moved in here with him back when his ex-wife deserted the place and married sugarstepdaddy BUT I paid the foreclosure off, made repairs, and pay into the bills OVER half the amount due. NOT counting his car payment, 450.00... :O , or his C/S.

We also have a very young BS1 here too, am I supposed to live in the streets and just let him throw us out?

He thinks that he has the right to stay here? What? He didn't live here for almost 5 YEARS.

Yeah, that WAS a threat. He is bipolar, I really think so. He 'changes' when this stuff happens and has been on antidepressants, for 2 decades now, same dosage too???

ybarra357's picture

My DH used to trot the ‘get out’ card on me. I finally sought legal counsel and found out that in my state the only way he can make me leave is to get a court order – and that a court would not likely grant a vacate order anyways. I told him to stop talking out of his ass and stop threatening me. And I’m not going ANYWHERE until see I see an order. That was a few years ago and I still haven't seen it! Smile

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

In this state there is zero way he could force me out. He could never get custody of our son either. I don't think that a court is going to throw a wife and infant to the streets and let this man who has zero custody of either children, live as "King of The Hill."

Dream on, DH. The poor baby just sent me an email saying that he "blocked" me at work.

Very mature.

RedWingsFan's picture

^^^^THIS! And why on earth would you put up with him talking to you that way? I did for many years and now that I have seen the light, I realize that NO ONE will EVER talk to me like that again.

Please, you're worth more than this and don't allow him to teach your son that it's ok to treat women the way he is treating you.

If you can, get out as soon as possible. I feel for you. Really I do. I allowed my ex to treat me and my daughter so badly she LEFT me at age 11 to go live with her dad. I finally broke free from him, lost over 100lbs, gained my self confidence and control back and found a man that although has a horrible daughter, treats me like a princess and would NEVER speak to me like that!

I wish you the best of luck and message me if you'd like. I am here for you!

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

Thank you so much. I've lost weight too in the past year. I can't seem to keep weight on my frame. I just feel "dead" inside with him. He doesn't ever want to do anything fun. If it were up to him, he would sit at his desk all day, come home and eat, go sit at his PC again, on his ass, all night.

Pathetic way to live, IMHO.

I'm tired of trying to get him out or make him 'happy'. Some people are always going to be miserable, no matter what.

DeeDeeTX's picture

If it was me, I'd give him an ultimatum. Ether we go to counseling and he resolves his anger problems, or I leave.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

He 'pretends' like it never happened or will say that I would not shut-up and made him 'do it?"

DeeDeeTX's picture

My husband still has anger problems, but they got much worse when he was drinking. Well, one not after some truly scary shit while he was drinking, I got up the next day, looked him in the eye and told him if that ever happened again, I was waiting till he went to work, taking our baby, and driving to my parents house. I would tell them everything that happened, call a lawyer, and file for divorce, and take everything I could in alimony and child support.

I was deadly serious and he knew it.

Since then, I can count on my fingers the number of times he's gotten drunk, and I have never had to put up with the same BS.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

He totally refuses to acknowledge his own anger issues. He always blames the other person, etc.

Honestly, his personality is VERY IMMATURE. When he gets mad, he acts like a scorned teenager. I kid you not, he will say nasty things as cold as ice, with a f-ing 'smirk' on his face too. He will go 'ball up' on the couch, bed, whatever, close his eyes, and let you sit there and cary your eyes out, with zero remorse. The only thing he ever 'tears up' about, is a dog that he had a long time ago that died.

He looks like he is going to explode when these issues are either brought up, or are in his face for him to deal with.

PeanutandSons's picture

I don't think I have ever advised anyone on this site to leave their marraige before..... But I really think that you need to leave this man. I know people say that on this site a lot...oh you need to leave him.... But I really think you need to be working on an exit strategy.

Think about what your baby is learning, as he witnesses these exchanges. How is he going to treat women when he is older if he grows up watching daddy scream at mommy like that, and mommy sits there and takes it.

My Dh may be an ass a lot of the time, but he knows that if he ever acts like that towards me, then I am gone. He family hs even recently asked me if he dvr flips out and yells at me (he has a temper) and I can honeslty say no, that he has never directed that anger at me. He knows that the first time he directs his anger at me or one of my kids, the next time he sees me again will be in court. I will not have him teaching my boys to hate women.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

I think so too. I felt "stuck" when pregnant and with such a young newborn before but now that my son is getting older...

What confuses me is why he yells at me in front of our son, but not his? It doesn't matter. The fact is that he does do it.

I hope Karma bites this man right in the ass, ASAP.

midnyt's picture

So one day while he is at work and conveniently blocked you, could you not pack up some of his clothes and leave out the front and then have the locks changed before he gets home? Leave a letter explaining your actions taped to whatever door it is that he comes through explaining that his clothes are out front and you will arrange for him to come get the rest in the presence of a police office. You tried to tell him you were doing that today but since he has you blocked, meh, no such luck. And if he refuses to leave, call the cops? Or better yet, arrange to have one there that day at around the time he gets home?