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Anyone else feel like this?

Tx mommy of 3's picture

I just found this forum and am new here. I am a mom of 3 biological kids and stepmom to one. DH and I have been married 6 years. 3 years ago we had to move to a different town 120 miles away from family. Til then SS would stay with us every other weekend and 30 days in the summer. I was new to the whole visitation thing so I just went along with what dh did. After we moved, ss stopped coming to visit. DH didn't want to force ss to come if he didn't want to. (at home ss is close to his grandparents and they'd buy him anything he wanted so he preferred to stay home & ride his motorcycles, tractors, 4wheelers, dirt bikes, etc that they'd get him.) anyway, so the last THREE years visitation was virtually stopped. He visited maybe 3 times and trying to see him on holidays was impossible because bm would make excuses that they were busy and such. During those three years we had babies and got in a routine with our life. Now, child support has gone up and dh wants to enforce visitation. So the last few months ss has been coming regularly. He's 12 and my kids are 5, 3 1/2 and 4 mths.

I used to think I was a good sm but now I feel like a bad one. I dread ss visits because he just argueswith the kids and expects to be entertained. We don't go out to eat a lot and don't gomany places when ss isn't with us so we don't always do stuff when he is here. So he's 'bored' all the time. To top it off dh wanted his 30 days this summer. We broke it up into 2 two week visits. However it is ME that is with ss all day while dh works. (I'm a sahm) we ready had the 1st 2 weeks and by the end of those 2 weeks I was so ready for him to be gone!! I feel guilty for feeling that way, too. We didn't do a family vacation this year because our baby was born just a few months ago. Now dh is thinking about taking one...with ss. That doesn't sound like a vacation to me! Silently I wish we could go without ss. And again, I feel guilty for feeling this way. Having ss around this much has had it's toll on me as well as our kids. They enjoy when he plays with them, but he also fights with them. He also introduced my kids to name-calling, teasing, hitting, and certain words (shut up, stupid, etc.) So by the time a weekend visit is over, our kids are ready. Now that ss has spent more time here they keep asking me when he's leaving or when he comes they're like 'he's's here again?' The thing is I k ow it's a two way street. Ss doesn't want to be here either. So that's it. I'm tired of ss and feel like a bad stepmom. I dread his visits. I wish he didn't haveto come and disrupt our routine. All these feelings I hold inside because I know I'll be looked down upon if I admit them. But does anyone ever feel like this too or do you just cope? Am I the only bad stepmom here? Before the move he would visit regularly and I was fine with it. Now though....

Pantera's picture

Welcome. Read some of the posts. NO, you aren't the only one, and NO, you aren't a bad stepmom.

Soon-to-be-Step-Mommy's picture

No you are not a bad stepmom. Everything you are feeling is normal. I fear what will happen when FH and I have children of our own. FSD is 7 and she is already very possessive of her Daddy. I can only imagine what it will be like when a needy baby comes into the picture. Forge ahead dear. Make the best of it. All you can do.

Lovepets's picture

FSD7 is very needy and possessive of daddy too. Sad Good advice to forge ahead! Don't let her monopolize your time with your FH. Children should not be given control over the adults in their life, it confuses them and gives them a false sense of self-esteem/self-importance.

Plex's picture

Are we living the same life? You are NOT alone, you are not the only one who feels like this. TRUST ME!

I also have a SD whose mother keeps her very busy with extra curricular activities and unloading her at friends' homes so BM can go out with different men. She comes here and is bored w/i the first hour b/c we are a family. We hang out at home, we cook dinner (which she doesn't eat any of b/c she is a "vegetarian" who eats only chicken nuggets and hotdogs--insert eye roll) and we watch movies at home as a family time. I am a SAHM now and it is up to me to entertain while DH is at work and due to being a SAHM we don't have a ton of money to go out and spend on entertaining SD.

If you do like I do, you count the seconds till he leaves. I have no emotional attachment toward her and I learned at this forum that I don't HAVE to. It's ok.

Hang in there. We're here for you.

glynne's picture

Welcome.

You are not a bad person or a bad stepmom. It's got to be tough on you being the SAHM - the caretaking, the discipline - it's all on you.

Maybe, since SS is "bored". You get him into a summer camp of some kind. My SD is an adult (kinda) now but when she was younger we had her in camps during the day. She really liked it - lots of kids, lots of activities- and it would give you and your biokids a needed break. They fill up quickly so you may be out of luck this summer but you can check into them for the next year.

For vacation - you can suggest that DH and SS spend a 1 on 1 vacation together - maybe a long weekend and shorten the vacation that you all take together. Sorry, but I think that you'll have to include SS in a family vacation - but just a shorter one.

Again, welcome - you will find lots of great advice and understanding on this site. Don't get discouraged if a few posters criticize or judge you harshly - they are in the minority and that is what the delete button is for. Wink