Any positive blended family stories
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Hi all.
i am trying to stay positive through another break up where blending 2 families together didn’t work out yet again. There are so many negative experiences, I am hoping for some inspiration on those whom have made a blended family work and are in a happy and healthy relationship/environment?
Anyone out there????
You are not likely to find
You are not likely to find many here, but they exist. And can I suggest? Please don't put your kids through another try at a blended family.
Do you mean stay single
Do you mean stay single forever?
Do your kids spend time with
Do your kids spend time with their dad? If so, then you can date on week(ends) they are with him.
Or you can date someone and maintain separate houses until the kids age out.
Until your kids are out of
Until your kids are out of the house, yes I do.
True, there can be adult stepkid issues, but that's not the same as dragging minor kids through repeated marriages and trying to blend them.
If BOTH bio-parents have
If BOTH bio-parents have their act together and your DH has your back as his wife and BM appreciates you vs. curses you, SKs can be a blessing, a/k/a bonus children. If either one of the bio-parents is lacking in the common sense department, BM is even remotely into Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), is manipulative, controlling, and DH has his head in the sand, is weak and enabling--any and all of this to any degree--then SKs are a burden, because they'll wind up becoming either mini- BMs or DHs and going for SM's jugular or expecting SM to just wait on 'em.
What percentage of parents BOTH have their acts together--guessing here and probably a little high, but I'd put it at about 15%. The other 85%--one or both of 'em are going to be messed up or out for blood of some kind or in competition with each other or SM or even SKs. So, given those odds, I guess you'd have to say it is amazing that anyone chooses to be a SM!?
Honestly, I feel like my
Honestly, I feel like my blended family would qualify as a "success story"
We have our issues but my husband backs me up, understands how I feel, and works hard to make it work WITH me. My SD6 lives with us full-time and has been calling me mom for months, my 1 year old son LOVES his big sister, and in general, we're a pretty happy family. MOST of the issue is me - I simply don't feel that motherly desire/instinct with my stepdaughter.
It's not a huge problem per say, because it's only natural that I don't, but I know she craves that from me. Most of our challenges revolve around trying to avoid her knowing I have different feelings for her than my bioson, but again, my husband helps with that too because he gets it.
We don't even really have BM problems. She's pretty absent, but when she's involved, she's respectful of my position/authority with her daughter. She actually tends to reach out to me for advice/guidance in terms of parenting her own child while SD6 is up visiting for the summer lol
But to put it simply, a
But to put it simply, a blended family can work well if:
Seems inconsistent to me
I accept your first point, but then the second point, giving full authority to someone you accept does not love your child, does not make sense. I think the bioparent has to set the rules. Those rules should be established before households are combined.
I also think that rather than demanding respect, which can have different connotations, civility should be demanded. You can be civil with someone without respecting them as a person.
Not loving a child "as your
Not loving a child "as your own" doesn't mean you can't have authority over them. Think of all the caregivers and teachers that care for kids yet.. maybe don't "love" them all.
You shouldn't give ultimate authority to someone who actively dislikes your child or is apathetic towards them. But, a SP can care about a child and be trusted to be fair even when they don't love them as if they were a bio child.
Meh. Teachers, bosses and law
Meh. Teachers, bosses and law enforcement aren't going to love anybody's kids, but they are routinely given absolute authority over them. And civility is not the same as respect. Any child living under the support of any adult should be taught to respect them. No one deserves to be treated coldly simply for existing.
I feel as though I have full
I feel as though I have full rights to set rules in my household. I brought pets, expensive furniture, and my own belongings. Not only that, but I pay the rent and own the car. I set rules with my SD in regards to the household because it is MY household at the end of the day, and I have responsibilities in regards to any children who are living in my home/riding in my vehicle. Civilty is great and all, but if stepparents are doing the job of raising or helping to raise a child, they deserve more than civilty - they deserve respect and appreciation to a degree.
If I wasn't getting respect and appreciation from my stepkid in the form of following my rules, saying thank you when expected, etc... I wouldn't bother helping to raise her. Hence - a positive stepfamily experience depends on these things. Otherwise, it's just another blended family where there's negativity all around (disengagement qualifies as a negative experience in my opinion)
I think my story is pretty
I think my story is pretty good. DH and I work great together, no issues there. All of the our kids get along, no issues there. SS18 lives with us, SS14 is about 1300 miles away and we have limited visitation, but when he is here it is great. My kids dad, sm, the kids at that house all get along. Heck, ExH and SM's kid even runs up and hugs me when he sees me.
Our only issue.... and it is HUGE is BM2. Other than that... we are pretty good to go!
Sorry to hear it didn't work
Sorry to hear it didn't work out...Do you mind if I ask what happened between your last blog and now that ended it?
This doesn't answet ypur
This doesn't answer your question, but have you looked to see why blending has failed twice before?
There are some pretty standard reasons why blended families fail, and I'd say at least 80% of those things can be addressed to make blending successful/easier. However, it does require looking at yourself and your family in a critical capacity. That may mean you see things that you don't want to see.
So, if you're willing to be brutally honest about your parenting and your flaws, your kids' flaws, and your choices in partner, and be willing to compromise and work as a team, then you have a chance of finding a suitable blended situation.
I went back and skimmed your
I went back and skimmed your old blogs. Honestly, I think that you might not be cut out for step life. Not everyone is. You seemed to have an extreme amount of discomfort in any shred of contact that wasn't 100% related to the kids. It came off being very jealous. Also, you appeared to not trust your DH to appropriately handle his relationship with his EX. You second guessed and got angry with him for giving her money outside the CO. That is actually not all that uncommon and in the end, if it's minor, doesn't have to be a hill to die on. My dh regularly gave his EX gas money... but it was cheaper than court and guaranteed his access to his kids. No, shouldn't have had to do it, but in the end, I am not going to lose my mind over 20 bucks here and there.
To be in a blended relationship you have to have trust and be able to accept that our partners had a relationship before us and that if they had kids... that relationship will carry on on some level since they will still need to maintain contact due to having shared kids.
If you can, try to avoid a
If you can, try to avoid a future step situation.
Especially if there are initial problems and crazy people involved.
It just isnt worth it.
I know of a few "successful" step families.
In all of these, I find one or a combination of the following:
* They are emotionally mature individuals who have moved on from previous spouse and have healthy current relationships.
*There are no substance abuse issues.
*Sometimes in one household, the one partner has no children and has not been married.
*In a multi-blend family parents PARENT and kids know their place, role and are respectful of the adults.
*There is respect for the other home.
*There is a common understanding of what raising kids accross two or more households mean.
*There isn't a spiteful ex.
*These people are able to talk to one another without running to lawyers.
*Conflicts are resolved by mutual agreement or according to a detailed legal decree around the children.
*In some instances the spouses all get along.
*In other instance they aren't friends at all but cordial and relationships are at least respectful.
*These are people in committed relationships not changing partners every few weeks or months.
*There is a common understanding in each house that the kids adhere to - the kids know the rules, obey them and also accept rules may be different in Mom or Dad's house.
Of course the list is non-exhaustive,
If anything on the list is an opposite in your case: RUN!!
I'm sure there
are some out there, they probably aren't on this site because they aren't having issues. I read one time that blending a family takes a minimum of 7 years. And it's hard as heck! Throw in some sort of parental alienation syndrome issue or narcissism and it's a trainwreck. My dh and I lost an sd17 to parental Alienation. meaning, she went to live with bm who is bipolar and narcissistic and is now both herself. We had her on track to go to college and be successful but after years of her negative behaviors escalating, we lost. The other 3 teenagers in our house are doing good. After reading through your previous posts, I believe your bf didn't have enough time to figure out how he was going to juggle the relationship with the ex. This takes a lot of time and there are some people out there who are amicable with their exes. We learned through a lot of trial and error and finally just disengaged from her completely as she was repeatedly telling the sd's their dad hated them, calling me names, making fun of me and my kids etc. She's a nasty person and I could probably write a book. So I guess my other question is, was the whole "sitting in the circle making fun of her picture" thing the only time she flipped out? If there were other times that were completely unreasonable then I would say definitly disengage, but if it was just a one time deal then maybe one of the kids told her that or she was having a really bad day or something. My dh gave money outside the CO to his ex until he went through his 10 year court battle to gain majority custody of them. Your bf might have just been ensuring that his kids had what they needed at bm house or maybe he was just being empathetic. I guess my point is that you can't get into a totally blended family dynamic after only being together for 8 months. it takes years and years and even then it's still not going to be what you pictured in your head.
Yep, my bride, our son
Yep, my bride, our son (Former SS-26 now adopted) and I have had a great life together and since he launched 8yr ago (How could it possibly be that long ago?). My bride and I celebrated our 24th anniversary over the summer, SS is launched, thriving and seeing the world and dare I say ... self supporting, confident and doing great.
Disclosure time.... My bride and I met and started dating when SS-26 was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. I was from the beginning all in as my bride's equity life partner, and she mine, and as an equity parent to any spawn in the home regardless of spawn biology. As it turned out.... SS was it for household spawn. My first marriage did not pollute my gene pool.... thank heavens so our situation was relatively non-complex. If that is even a word.
I suppose I had no preconceived notion of what our life together would be like. I just know what I will tolerate and what I won't tolerate when I see it. I keep it simple. I confront behavior and move on until the next behavioral deviation occurs. Then I confront that one, etc, etc, etc..... and so on, and so on, and so on......
This keeps it simple.
My blended family experience and situation is probably on the extreme low end of the complicated situation curve. SS was mellow, generally a good low drama kid... until HS but Military School helped take care of that, and I truly enjoyed destroying the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. Tormenting and keeping the asses of the SpermClan bare was my 16+ year hobby and I was extremely good at it. If they had been reasonable, I would have been reasonable. As they were too stupid to come to this realization... I got to have some fun. Lots of it.
While blended families and the related marriages that exist within them are rarely drama free I believe that there are some universal requirements within any marriage regardless of if it is a first marriage or one of dozens. Though for the purposes of addressing blended family marrital issues.......
1. The spouses are equity life partners and must be the uncontested priority for each other. PERIOD! The same applies to the marriage they share.
2. The spouses are equity parents to any spawn in the mix regardless of spawn biology. This means if one does not like how the other parents or disciplines then they can step up and get it done before the other has to. If they fail to step up then that and STFU and have the back of the one who is stepping up. PERIOD!
3. Xs nor extended family can be allowed to interfer in the marriage or the marital home. EVER!
4. The spouses make all critical decisions together. No money is spent on anyone or anything without consensus. No consensus, no spending. That means that a prior relationship breeder spouse cannot spend money on prior relationship spawn without agreement from thier equity life partner. In the event of a CS order... without agreement no money beyond the CO'd CS is sent to an X or a Skid without agreement for any reason. PERIOD!
5. The home is MY home and YOUR home it is not THEIR home. Spawn, regardless of biology or age, get no say in what goes on in the home... EVER! They don't even get to have an opinion unless BOTH spouses agree that they will be allowed to state an opinion.
6. In any situation NO means NO and whichever spouse says NO owns the VETO of any topic in discussion. No matter what it is. PERIOD! No, your adult kid cannot move in. No you cannot send money to your X. No you cannot spend money to your adult child. No, the SKids cannot come on our vacation. No, you cannot pay for your X's chemo. No, no, no, no, no! Or yes, works too but only if both say it is yes.
Keep it simple.