Anxious About First Family Vacation
So like the title says... My bio daughter(almost 4) and I always take a beach trip in the summer for both our birthdays. We are 2 days apart. This is the first year we are going with my SO and SD(12).
We have all been getting along well after a few rough months, it has been quite nice actually! But I can't shake this super anxious feeling... SD tends to make things about her and SO has a hard time saying no. SO told me "the beach is her favorite place to be" and that she will likely be wanting to be in the sand the entire time we are there(we are staying for 3 nights). I want the kiddos to enjoy and have fun but also feel like.. It's me and my BD annual birthday trip. I'm the one paying for it. I don't want this to turn into SD and SO doing their own thing the entire time. I cherish my 1 on 1 time with SO in the evenings and want at least one night of SO and I enjoying the house by ourselves without kiddos. My BD goes to bed by 8PM and I'm very strict about this. But SD tends to like to stay up as long as SO will let her and I already know vacation she will be wanting to stay up with us all night and SO and I won't get any alone time.
I guess if I'm being blunt I feel like hey this is my birthday vacation. I am paying for it. It's my birthday weekend. I am not trying to be selfish but I dont want to end up feeling like SO and SD are on their own little vacation while me and my BD are left out. I could see that potentially happening and it's making me very anxious..
Clear Communication
So be very clear in your communication and expectations. Let SO know that this is a trip you take to celebrate your birthday and that you're happy to go with or without him. If it's without, then your tradition remains just you and your little. If it's with SO and SD then you're happy to include them in your trip but that you expect one evening where SD is in bed at a reasonable time (9pm?) and it's just you and SO outside at a bonfire (or sit out on the deck or whatever). This will go over easier if you have a bonfire the first night that everyone is included in and then the second night it's grown ups only. But let him know BEFORE you go that this is a nonnegotiable expectation. It doesn't have to be a confrontational discussion, but it needs to be had before you leave so that everyone's on the same page.
I would have a clear
I would have a clear discussion with your partner before the trip takes off. Bonus points for coming up with a rough agenda that you can talk to your So about prior to leaving...
And as above explaining your very clear idea about having some solo time together when BOTH kids go to bed at the same time so you can have alone time. When the time comes fully expect SD to go full tantrum mode on vacation but hold steady in the boundaries or they will continue to try to stretch things more and more. Also just a candid conversation just telling him what your worries are and see how he responds. If you can work together as a team with a plan this will go over much better.
SD is12. BD is 4. The age
SD is12. BD is 4. The age difference is too big for a common bed time.. (my opinion)
BD4 goes to bed at 8. If Sd12
BD4 goes to bed at 8. If Sd12 had "quiet time" at 9 or 930 on one of the nights I'd call that a win in my books.
Yes! This. I was thinking of
Yes! This. I was thinking of a general agenda for the time we are there... I loosely mentioned wanting an evening of just us and kids in bed but he glossed over it. Which... I dont understand tbh. I will never understand how he doesnt feel the need or want to have quality alone time with my at the end of the day and sees no issue with SD being right there until we are ready to literally fall asleep. He has told me before that him and SD were "like buddies". Idk. I have a daughter and she's great but I want my adult time at the end of the day. Every day.
Anyways. I will definitely have a conversation about it. Hey, she can hang out with us late into the night one out of the 3 nights but that's it. 9PM seems reasonable to me for her to be in her room. I can already hear the tantrum. Then the "Im scared i need you to cuddle me to sleep". That's what I'm expecting... She will want him to sleep with her in her room. I honestly would come unglued if he obliged this request so I'm not sure if I should mention that now or... idk. If she can't sleep on her own at the very nice cabin, she can't come. I want to mention this to him but don't know how without him getting upset.
You need to discuss all of
You need to discuss all of this well before going. Set your boundaries, make your requirements known beyond the shadow of a doubt. Also make it clear that if any of the things you want to avoid occur, that it will be the first and last time they'll be allowed to tag along.
"Like buddies"? That's downright creepy. Does she have any friends? Is she on the right track for her age or more babyish? Either way, ha should stop encouraging her to be dependent on him - he's not doing her any favours. As for him sleeping with a 12yo daughter... icky and yucky.
He seriously needs to grow up. He's her father, not her "buddy".
To be honest.. I would
To be honest.. I would probably suggest keeping your tradition with just your younger child. You know that including your DH and his daughter is going to weaken your ability to make this trip about the two of you. If they are going..they do, to an extent, deserve to have input on how time is going to be spent. That being said.. as has been mentioned.. scheduling things explicitly will be helpful..
Also, I don't know why you aren't expecting your DH to pay for his share of this trip (unless he has taken you for free other times and this is reciprocal)... if he, a grown man, is not paying for his share of transportation, lodging, meals and incidentals.. then he should not really be going... and this doesn't seem to be an overly expensive trip at 3 days long.. I imagine you are driving.. so the hotel/air bnb would be the biggest cost along with meals potentiall and for 3 days he should have that right? if not. consider why you are with a guy that can't pay his own way.
But, put your schedule and expectations into this..
So, maybe SD12 doesn't have to be asleep at 9 on the dot.. but she can be watching TV in her room (I am assuming you are going to be somewhere like an airbnb where she won't be sleeping in a common area) or reading a book etc.. but maybe the hard line is that after 9PM it's adult swim so to speak. I don't know if there are any options to have a sitter for an evening while you are there so you could even go out alone.. but certainly he should agree that X nite the kids have pizza early.. and they have a romantic evening on the patio with wine.
And.. activities.. plan that out.. plan for beach time.. plan if the weather will be bad.
And.. honestly.. if it feels like SD is going to be miserable on what you and your daughter want to do.. by all means.. I would encourage her dad to split off with her so that she doesn't ruin your time. It is not the end of the world if you and your little go to the splash pad while they go to the beach... you meet up at noon for lunch at the house/cafe.. then maybe all do something in the afternoon that everyone likes..
again.. planning is going to be your friend.. and if you feel like you will resent if he and she want to do different things than you will.. then either don't take them on a trip you are paying for.. or have him pay his own way.. so if he does his own thing.. at least it's on his dime.
Thank you for your input! I
Thank you for your input! I already told DH that him and SD could go have an afternoon of bike riding on the beach together while me and my kiddo do our own thing. I don't expect the trip to be all about me and my bio, nor do I necessarily want that.. I just don't want it to turn into the SD and DH show which I could see happening... Especially with SD being super excited to be on vacation and want to do stuff all the time.
He agreed to pay for all of the gas and food since I shelled out the Air BnB cost which was the most expensive. Honestly because they are coming I opted for an entire cabin with 3BD so the kids had their own space and I wouldn't hear SD wanting to sleep with daddy if I had gotten a hotel with 2 beds or something.
The best way to prevent it is to call out the concern prior.
Sit down with DH, have the mature adult talk making your concerns clear and your requirements also clear.
She is in bed by 21:00 and she does not incringe (yes, a made up word that I think gets the message very well across).
Make it clear that this is not a fight, but that SD is not the focus and will not be tolerated to be a detractor from the trip for you, DD-4, or encroach on your adult time in the evenings.
Be direct, be conficnet, be clear. Be proactive in the conversation.
A 12yo is not a toddler and not daddy's little girl any longer. A 12yo is a pre-teen who is long past the stage that having a parent sleep with them or detract from the experiences of everyone else is appropriate.
From your bio, your daughter
From your bio, your daughter is from a previous relationship and not with your SO. Since it's already scheduled and sounds like it's soon, i would say go and make the best of it. But - if it isn't what you hoped it would be, next year and in the future, you and your daughter should go alone and maybe take another trip with SO or SO and SD. Your daughter is young and you have years of fun beach trips ahead. Don't fk that up for fear of hurting feelings. I cherished trips with my kids when they were younger. They were almost grown when my SO and I met but tbh, vacations with SO and his kids were not the same. Much more stressful. It's been a few years since the last one but his younger son would throw tantrums and his adult daughter had a fetish for exposing her private parts and generally acting embarrassingly in public. If this vacation sucks (and from your previous blogs, sounds like it might), don't fk up your daughter's childhood by stopping this tradition. Also, your SO needs to pay his share. If you have the room, he needs to get gas and food and any other expenses for all of you.
Thank you! Yes my bio is from
Thank you! Yes my bio is from a previous relationship, but my SO is her father figure. She calls him dad and he wants to adopt her as his own..
I dont even want to ask about that fetish. What the heck?! I'd be mortified if I was in public with a kiddo like that.. yikes. But you made it! And yes this is definitely a trial vacation... See how it goes. Boundaries are important. SO struggles with boundaries and SD. He has none with her. Although to his credit, the past month or two he has really made noticeable changes and effort with SD and it's made for a much more pleasant dynamic. We aren't arguing nearly as much as we used to, the kids are getting along and all seems good. Knocking on wood right now. Lol
Knocking on wood is fine. However, don't forget the chain saw
to cut it all down if it goes south.
Enjoy your trip and your beach time with your DD. But be wary. Be very, very, wary.
As for your DH adopting your LO. Do you really want to choose a father for your child that is this much of a proven parenting failure? Look at SD-12. Yes, BM has influence but your DH has equal influence and the outcome is not looking good on the parenting quality of SD. Blended marriages fail at higher rates than initial marriages so maintaining some boundaries is important IMHO. Do you want your LO having COd visitation time with your current DH if things go south? Your DD being forced to spend time with SD and the parent that created her?
Not any grand plan by any means. But in hind sight the timing of my adoption of SS occurring when he was 22yo, at his request, was probably a good move rather than doing it when he was a minor. We discussed it, but he did not want to hurt SpermClan fee fees. It was after his mom asked her dad to adopt her that our son came to the point where he wanted to ask me to adopt him. DW gave FIL adoption papers at our vow renewal on our 20th anniversary. My bride's biodad/MIL's first DH was killed in an automobile accident before my MIL even knew she was pregnant with DW. My FIL was at the hospital when DW was born and was her daddy from the get go. FIL and MIL were raised together. Their respective parents were close friends.
Just be careful. For you and for your DD. The way they parent theirs has almost no chance of changing when they parent yours or joint progeny.
Past behavior being the best predictor of future performance.
Our first blended vacation
I envisioned a fun week with DH and the 5 kids at a local lake. We rented a big place and DH's friend offered the use of his boat. I won't go into the vivid details but the boys managed to break a pinball machine at our friend's place rec room within 10 minutes of our arrival. The next day, we managed to almost sink the boat and the 5 kids and I were stranded on a rock in the middle of the lake before somebody rescued us. There's more but my brain tries to suppress it all. Lol.
When I went back to my counselor afterwards, he said, "JRI, there's fantasy and there's reality".
In later years, things improved cuz we let some of the kids bring friends. Maybe your SD12 would like to bring a friend? It takes some pressure off you.
Oh no that sounds stressful
Oh no that sounds stressful and awful!!! I do not want SD to bring a friend. When SD has friends over she is awful to my bio who adores her. When it's just the 2 of them SD is sweet to my bio..
So plan it to the second.
Make sure that DH understands the reality and that he and his failed family progeny are invited tag alongs but tag alongs none the less.
Make it cleat to DH that SD will not be allowed to pollute the trip for you and your DD with any entitled kid behavioral bullshit. She is 12. She is not 2.
12yos behave, or they meet consequences head on.
We did not have this issue. I have no BKs, SS is an only in our marriage and we have been a family since before he turned 2yo. My only related exeriences are with my university BFF's niece and his kid. These were banshee shreaking attention leeching child hellions. Even my kid and my nephews would cringe when we did camping trips and those two were along to torment everyone. I did not let it fly or escalate. I dealt with it and those kids did not like it one bit. My BFF was not one to enforce behavioral boundaries and his GF/DW was pretty much non present other than to be the cool aunt or entirely permissive mommy.
Prep your boundaries, make them clear to DH. If you have scripted the possible events, odds are they won't happen. If they do happen, you have already done the brain work and can adjust your script and slap it into use promptly.
Enjoy your trip.
Can I ask
why you wanted the joint vacation since you seem to realize it's going to blow up in your face? It bugs me a lot that you tried to bring up a concern and he glossed over it.