Happy MLK Day STalkers!

I just wanted to share a small sign of hope my DW showed over the weekend. For those of you who have followed my posts, my DW is a card-carrying "friend" parent who has coddled and cossetted my SD17 her whole life. DW and I have had many fights over the years about boundaries, rules, expectations, and consequences for SD17, with SD17 essentially "winning" these fights, because DW always takes the position that is most favorable to SD, regardless of how reasonable it is. I disengaged about a year ago, which really helped things, although SD17 still does her best to cause trouble. Also, despite relentlessly spoiling SD17, DW occassionally will have a "moment of clarity" when she recognizes and admits SD17's faults. These moments are still relatively rare, but they have been trending upwards.

Right around the time that I disengaged, DW and I agreed that the days of "family vacations" were over, because there is just too much tension and acrimony when SD17 and I are around each other. We had been planning on taking a big family cruise, but after the decision to refrain from such trips, we decided that DW and SD17 would take a smaller "mother-daughter" cruise, and DW and I would take a separate "couples" cruise. The cost would actually be about the same, and I would not have to spend my vacation with SD. Regardless of what form the cruise would take ("family" v. "mother-daughter"), DW was always going to chip in for SD17's share of the cost.

Also, over the last 3 years, SD17 has been in the band at school. For those of you with kids in band, you know that it is a very time-consuming activity, and is also very expensive. SD17 freely admits that she is only in the band for the "social" aspect, and so she can go on the big trips to out-of-state competitions. SD17 has no aptitude for music, and never practices her instrument, so it was not surprising to learn last year that the band director did not want her to be in the band next year.

DW has usually allows SD17 to call the shots about everyting, but she actually stood up to her regarding the cruise and being band. Because the part of the cruise that DW will cover will be expensive, and because band is also expensive, DW can not afford for SD17 to do both. When given this news, SD17 was unsurprisingly quite pissed, and wanted to do both. To her credit, DW stood her ground, and said that SD17 had to choose one or the other, not both. DW also did not attempt to hit me up for additional money so that SD17 could do both.

I know that this seems like a small step to some, but for those of us who live with bio-parents who spoil and enable their kids, you probably realized that this was actually a pretty significant event. I'm stilll not crazy about DW spending so much money on SD17, but at least she stood up to her, and made her choose one option. In the past, she would have let SD17 do both, and would have expected me to cover the difference. We are not where I want to be yet, but this was a hopeful sign.