Am I wrong for doing this?
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Me and my partner are having a baby girl, and while I was in my first trimester I was very ill. His daughter made my life hell. I've stopped engaging with both his kids and when we do a baby shower, maternity photos and get married, I'm not including any of his kids. Is it wrong of me to do that?
It not wrong.
But sometimes you need to grit your teeth be the better person. To avoid conflict with your other half. Just discuss it with your bf first he may even agree with you. Or your sk might not even take enough interest in you to even turn up to these events. But talk to your bf first these are big events for you and of course you dont wont anyone there who not gonna be happy for you. And are gonna cause you any stress.
Excluding them from photos
Excluding them from photos and baby shower is fine, not so sure about the wedding. I would need to know more about the circumstances to give an opinion. I absolutely couldn't stand my SDs but when we married in 2009 we invited them as to not do so would have created so many more problems.
What do you mean by "not
What do you mean by "not including"? Do you mean not doing anything extra or forbidding them from attending?
And what have the kids done, and how old are they? From your last post, it sounds like SD is a picky eater and your SO is a Disney Dad who gives in to what she wants. If him giving in is what creates the problem, then the problem is with him, not the kids.
There are ways to set boundaries around these events, but the only way to "banish" them is to leave the situation. Maternity shoot makes sense theya wouldn't be there, but a baby shower (depending on attendance) and their own father's wedding? They'll be there. I'd start finding a family member who will br in charge of wrangling them both days. MIL is where I would start with that.
If your SO is the one coddling and encouraging bratty behavior, you may want to seriously reconsider marrying him. One SK already lives full time with you. The other could be there full time, too.
They won't be able to attend
They won't be able to attend the baby shower as it's being hosted in another country and neither kid has a passport. As for the wedding, I'm not sure on whether to have them or not. He may want them there tho. And what I've done is spoken to him about her behaviours, like barging in on us in the middle of the night to share the bed, or coming into the room early hours and making a noise, and I mean alot of noise etc. Because apparently she can't pour cereal into a bowl. She's 10. I don't even know if it's normal for a kid that age to not be able to do simple things. But then there's her also manipulating him and playing us up against each other, and the one morning it resulted in a huge fight and I turned around and told her to stop being so selfish
The biggest issue I have is her invading bedroom privacy. Me and him get intimate quite often and the one morning she barged in while we were busy. When we had our big argument I told him to sort her out. No more coming into the bedroom unless we invite her in there, no more sharing our bed. She'd jump in, even while I was on bed rest for my pregnancy and shake the bed and just disrupt the peace. I also told him, that while she's there we'd not be having anymore junk food because she's turning up her nose at healthy homemade meals. He's agreed to work on it, but I still have my doubts
You have a fiancé problem not
You have a fiancé problem not a sd problem.
Normal partners want privacy too and would have put sd straight the first time or at a bare minimum put a lock on your bedroom door.
Normal partners would be concerned about the safety of you and your child and immediately scolded the sd and told her never to bounce on the bed like that again.
Normal fathers care about the health of their child and try to provide balanced meals for them.
Normal father’s would teach their kids how to get their own cereal so that they can have a lie in with their partner.
Sounds like your fiancé isn’t a great partner or father, he has some improvements to make. Exclude sd from the photos and shower if you want (she’s 10, I’m sure she won’t care) but I would delay the wedding until your fiancé starts pulling his parenting weight around your house and does it consistently for at least 6 months.
As the others said, your SO
As the others said, your SO is the problem. If my SS ever dared to barge in our room when we were in bed, make noise and/or jump in bed with us, he would have been deeply, deeply sorry because DH would have given him hell.
Why are you marrying him when you know he won't parent his daughter adequately, and doesn't care if you are miserable in your own home? Don't banish SD - cancel the wedding until he can get her sorted out and start parenting properly. I know you are having his child, but don't tie yourself to him in marriage if he won't address these issues.
I know you are going to say you can't/won't cancel the wedding because you love him, he's wonderful, etc - but you've been warned - it will only get worse as she ages if he doesn't start setting some limits.
There is a solution for the
There is a solution for the wedding ( to an extent)
My SD3 ( at the time) was always crying bored so ultimately we decided to just elope beachside the two of us. This meant not including SD6 which we were a little sad about but it meant zero stress and no questions of why one and not the other.
If you do decide with your spouse to not have SD there that will likely mean not inviting your SS as well, possibly not even your baby to avoid resentment. Is that something you and your spouse can do ?
Not only it’s a SO problem
You are also only one BM accident away of having SD 24/7/365. With her living in your bedroom. You must get this settled before getting married. Then you will have no control.
He is not parenting his DD, that the first problem. He should set His DD straight, no going into your bedroom. You may think that he may not change and not parent your bio child.
Lock the door if you want
Lock the door if you want privacy in your own bedroom.
i used to tell my bio sons, (mid teens at the time) that I was going to bed at 10.30 pm and that I was on strike until the morning. It definitely decreased the knocking on bedroom door etc. Of course I would have got up in an emergency!
I just want to make this
I just want to make this clear, I'm marrying him because he's a wonderful man whose been really good to me and treats me exceptionally well. The only dysfunction we have is when his daughter comes over. That's once every two weeks.
I'm going to mention that her eating habits are not because of him, they're because of her bio mom. Her bio mom doesn't know how to cook, and never bothered to learn. So her and her bf have been feeding her junk food. On top of that, her bio mom, as far as im aware, has no concern for her welfare as social services were called on her several times for neglect. Unfortunately the worst case I saw very recently were all her toe nails turning black from a fungus. That's when she came to my partner and me.
Yes, he does have some areas where as a parent he could do a lot better or BE alot stricter but I'm not leaving him over THAT but I will make sure that he steps up his game as a parent. Especially now that there's a bub on the way. I like the suggestion of having NO kids at the wedding, including my own that, to me, is a good idea.
I would try fix the problem first, then walk away because to me walking away is far too cowardly then attempting to fix something that could be corrected.
He might change things, but
He might change things, but be prepared for things to not quite go according to plan.
You chose a man that has
You chose a man that has children, you can't just erase them from his life. Is this the tone you want to set for the rest of your lives? I haven't seen an ounce of sorrow or compassion for a little girl who's parents are divorced and who's mother is neglecting her. I understand the bedroom thing, I know kids can be brats and need discipline but no matter how much you dislike his, they are part of your blended family. Take a picture together, 10-20 years from now you might be so glad you did, and for now you can stick it in a drawer. Elope if you don't want them at the wedding, don't make a point of excluding them, you are going to build resentments on all sides that is going to make your future holidays, visitations, family events, etc. forever uncomfortable and who wants that to look forward too another 20 years?
prepare yourself
I can see skipping SD at the shower (since its in another country anyway) and your maternity photos. The wedding is going to be hard to keep SD from if your DF wants her there. You could elope first, and then later have a reception with everyone. But hire or designate another family member to watch SD for that if you are worried about her ruinin the day.
Nope, its not wrong at all.
Nope, its not wrong at all. If your baby daddy won't get and keep his toxic spawn under control then purging them from your lfie and home is your only option if you want to go through with marrying this failed parent and waste of manhood.
Good luck.