Am I really asking too much????
... so it's been 15 months since we've been an item and 3 months since we first moved in . Yes, its quite serious getting a place together but I dont think it means our relationshp should become stagnant and we never save time for "us"...
Well thats what I think but its quite apparent the ex thinks differently.
Where do I start? Im in my late 20's and this is my second serious relationship. My first one lasted for almost 9 years, and it was my decision to leave. For almost two years after the split, I built byself up from scratch, refound my independence, moved to a new town where i didnt know anybody in a house on my own, and even found a new job. This time of my life I found out who I really was, and ever since then I have been getting stronger and stronger...
So 15 months ago, girl meets boy, boy has a daughter but girl accepted it. We had been dating for a total of ten months before I even met his daughter, and although I had been pressing for it for months and months prior as I wanted to see if there was a future for the three of us, I shat myself when it happened. Right there and then, my future laid before me.
For a few months thereafter, I put up with not seeing my BF every weekend as he had his daughter. But I do recall seeing him every other wkend.
So.. we got a place together and thats when it all changed. The ex wanted us to have the little one at weekends, but not stay over... I respected this.. you know, little 5 year old, new environment etc... but when the rule had a clause with it (little one cannot stay till I meet the new gf), i thought I'd challenge it. So, beign friendly, i dropped her a quick text saying "rather than having "boy" play piggy in the middle, perhaps we should arrange to meet for coffee one wkend when we're both free, heres my number"
.........then BANG! She went fkin ballistic. Not at me, at "boy". She totally oignored my txt and refuses to meet me. Ah... but, one weekend she wanted to go out so she told us on the wednesday we had the little one from thursday, for THREE nights on the trot.
And its been the same ever since. Last week, I discovered friday morning we had the little one over that night. I find her totally unreasonable, so I suggest to the "boy" to get a routine sorted. Then the little one knows when she is going to see her daddy and we can arrange some time for us. Three months Ive been asking this, three months Ive been getting "yep, I'll talk to her", and for three months EVERY weekend boy hasnt worked, we've had little on.
I feel like I am bashing my head against a brick wall. I even question whether I have the strength to keep on like this as I am seriously being worn down. Worn down to the point me and the "boy" argue about the same things over and over and over again. This is only one of the other things that grind me down like; the fact he recently renewed his car insurance leaving her on it, the fact she uses his car when it suits and I play taxi in mine, the fact they refuse to get divorced until they have been living apart for 2 years, the factwhen she calls she demands he still goes over there and does odd jobs round the house, the fact she has judged me before she has ever met me, the fact I feel the third person in this relationship, the broken promises... I can go on..
But, I love the boy, and I hurt - daily. But is this really all worth it?
The "boy" wont ever stand up to her as she's threatened to prevent him seeing little one. I believe him when he says there is nothing there between them, but I think the ex is holding on despite being the one who ended it. She hasnt moved on. She claims off the social, doesnt know what she wants to do (finished uni with a make up artist degree and now wants to go back to be a school teacher)...
Its a vicious cirle. Do I jump or stick it out?
My opinion - Drop the "boy"
My opinion - Drop the "boy" and find a "MAN" that still has his balls attached. There, that's the harsh version.
Seriously, there should be some communication between parents and even some compromises from time to time regarding the scheduling of the kiddo but what your "boy" is doing is continuing to let another woman control him. Uhhhh...NO. I'm the only one that gets to tell my "MAN" what to do and when.
He needs to file for divorce and get his parenting time written out in a court order or he needs to continue playing "married" with his wife. He can't have it all while you have nothing.
.... but when we're together
.... but when we're together its fantastic. its just moments like these I lose faith.
Does everyone else think the same? Drop him??
I'm the only one that gets to
I'm the only one that gets to tell my "MAN" what to do and when.
I agree! You should be the only woman in his life making demands!
I didn't mean to be harsh but
I didn't mean to be harsh but seriously, look at the following:
1) he lets her drive his car
2) he pays for her to be insured
3) he lets her decide when he will and will not see his kid
4) he's doing odd jobs around her house
This man has NO BOUNDARIES with another woman. My DH would never dream of doing these things. He hasn't stepped foot inside the exes house since he moved out. He has bailed her out one time when she was sick and had the kids and she called and asked him for some medicine so that she didn't have to take the kids out late at night. He happened to have some at his place so he went and dropped it on her porch for her. He doesn't go out of his way to be mean to her but he's made it clear that her problems are no longer his problems. She has family and friends to call for that kind of thing and he is no longer her family or her friend.
You have asked your BF to do some rather simple things and he has made it clear that his concern for her outweighs his concern for you. You need to give him a list of what boundaries need to be established and a timeline for doing so and if he can't manage to get his stones back from her purse in that timeframe then you need to move on.
He's still married ?? Are
He's still married :jawdrop: ?? Are they legally separated? She's still on his car insurance :jawdrop: ??
If you're having issues like this now - you have to know it's probably not going to ever get better and will probably get worse. It does get better sometimes but those cases are far and few between. Do you want to live like this forever?
I'd drop him like fast and get on with your life
Uggh - is this BOY really
Uggh - is this BOY really planning on getting a divorce? Or is he just stringing you along whilst him and BM work on getting back together...?
Why do they insist on being
Why do they insist on being separated 2 years before getting divorced? THAT sounds like reason enough to drop him. The ONLY reason I can think of for doing so is to give them room to try to work things out before everything is final. No reason for him to have kept her on his insurance policy when he renewed.
The boy needs to collect his balls, carry them to the courthouse, file for divorce & get a custody/visitation order worked out. That way, BM has nothing to threaten him with.
Loving the boy isn't enough to hold a relationship together. The boy has to love you back to make it work. It sounds like he loves your company, but it also sounds like he struggles with cutting ties with BM. He's wanting to have his cake & eat it too.
He's being disrespectful to you & to your relationship. It should matter to him that you're hurting...daily. THAT should be reason enough for things to change. He has the power to do these things, even if BM disagrees. All he has to do is CHOOSE to. If it isn't reason enough for him to cut those ties & make those changes, he isn't worth you sacrificing your time.
You deserve better than what he's giving you.
Thanks for your feedback.
Thanks for your feedback.
After posting this thread, I texted the first response to him (he is working tonight) and even though I am at home, I felt his heart skip a beat maybe because it skipped with mine.
Im sorry, but I think you all have it wrong. Your opinions are welcomed (after all I am posting my thoughts on a public website) but when I received a single private message from another steptalk.org member, what she said stopped me in my tracks.
She said "My advice, love the boy more than you hate his ex. Stand by him, help him gather his balls from her, and Be consistent in your wants and your needs".... "Just keep consistent, you're guy "kinda, maybe" sounds like my guy who need "discipline/guidance". My previous relationship I was with an independent, controllling guy. Now I am with a passive, not controlling, laid back, dont give a crap guy, who does need that "kick in the ass"... lol"...
and you know what - she summed up my guy perfectly... thank you xx
Not everyone ends a relationship so abruptly to the point they wont step foot in their ex's house. but yes, I agree the other "stuff" is kinda out of order and I have had it out with him there and then..
I guess, when I am angry I pull out the same cards so I stay angry as its easier, more satisfactory... Im sure you have been there also. I need to let go of the pain, and love him more than I hate his ex!
And.. if all else fails... move on!
Look - my partner was
Look - my partner was SHOCKING when I met him - did all the same type of stuff. But I loved him and I knew he loved me, he just felt obliged to help her because he didn't know any better.
Stick with it! Help him see that she cannot have that much control over his life any more. Yes she is the mother of his children - but so might you be one day, so could some one night stand he had once.
It took time, and patience and BM HATED me and used to scream at him for not doing things for her.
I am wondering if he is just doing it all so he looks like the good guy at the divorce time. Because that is valid - if he wants certain things and certain custody rights, maybe he is playing it her way so that he can get some of what he wants in the divorce.
Talk to him about that. It is reasonable to have a routine for the poor girl! Document him trying to get that from BM to take to any court proceedings.
I think you should stick with it. If when the 2yr thing is up, he still doesn't file for divorce immediately then I would be right out of there. But make him confront why he does all these things for her. In my case it was because my partner didn't know his rights and thought BM could just stop letting him see SS is she wanted to, which just isn't the case. If that's what scares him, go talk to a lawyer together so he knows what he can and can't do.
Good luck!!
Thanks stepdown but I
Thanks stepdown but I disagree. Your opinion of the fact that he is still legally married just prooves to me you're very stuck in your ways. For one, I met him when he was seperated. So technically single. And yes he has a kid but to me, your comments simply suggests despite being unhappy in his marriage he should stick it out. This day and age life isn't like that.
So anyway, I asked about the two year thing and he suggests it's got something to do about not having a spare £3k knocking about. That figures. Perhaps I shouldn't have been so fast to judge.
Yes she uses the car but she can't afford her own.. I know her situation, and I know it's changing. I guess I was just listing the things that frustrated me, past and present, so I felt obliged to vent. Stupid now I look back but hey, done now.
I do speak to my fella, and yes sometimes it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall, but this is a fresh relationship. I still need to get used to his characteristics and style. I know I need to adjust having a daughter, but like it took months for me to build up my independence is going to take months to accept I'm sharing my life now.
Posting here has been a very useful exercise, yeh I mght have just contradicted what I wrote in my first post, but the fact I'm still fighting in what I believe in instead of listening to te bad comments just proves to me I need to stick it out. Be patient. And if I fall over again, speak to those step mums who support me.
I'm late 20's as well, and
I'm late 20's as well, and honestly it must be a generation gap because some (the minority I think) people are VERY stuck on marriage lol!
I was told that I pretend that I'm married by calling myself a step-parent, and that even though my partner and I don't believe in marriage it was obviously something I wanted to do if I called myself a SM to my SS...
So I think you have the right attitude, this site is FANTASTIC for support on stepkid issues, but just take things you agree with and skip the rest.
That's pretty much life anyway!!
I'm glad you asked him about the divorce thing, and I hope it all works out for you!
I'm just gonna throw this in
I'm just gonna throw this in here...generation gap or not, divorced or not, the statement that you made "and I hurt - daily"...speaks volumes. That isn't an opinion that can waver or change. That's a factual statement that should tell you this situation is wrong. You want to assume these women are stuck in their ways because they bring up the fact that your "boy" is still married. Even if you don't consider the moral aspect, the legal aspect is something to think hard about. The fact that your "boy" is choosing to convenience his "ex" (who is still VERY present in his life even with things not concerning their child) even though it's hurting you on a daily basis speaks volumes for his lack of care. You deserve a MAN who respects you enough to care about you.