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Am I over reacting?

SoOverIt94's picture

So I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We have lived together for 7. He has two daughters, 7 and 12. He has has custody of them since the little one was young. Biological mom is not in the picture. 

So I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 37. I have been with him for 8 years and I haven't experienced any young adults things. I moved in and a month later he got custody of the kids. I was 18 and thrown into motherhood. So I want to know if I just don't have enough life experience and I'm over reacting or if I'm not. 

He believes I let everything under my skin. So we are at the store and his youngest (7) is sticking her tongue out at me, giving me the middle fingering, and just plain not listening, to the point other parents are looking at me like "what are you going to do" Now he is with me and thinks nothing of it. He believes she is just being a kid. I find it to be disrespectful as I play 100% of the mother role and even some of his roles. 

His oldest and now talking back, calling me names if I don't give her her way, like you can't have your phone until you clean up your room. She lies about everything and is now teaching the youngest to lie about everything. And his kids "are never wrong". 

I believe he should discipline the kids or something but he would rather just be their friend. He doesn't see anything wrong and believes they are just kids being kids. We are constantly arguing about his kids.  Am I over reacting? Do everyday kids act like this towards their parents or parents partner? 

 

tog redux's picture

No, you aren't over-reacting, and you don't need us to tell you that. What would your parents have done if you gave them the finger in a public place (or ever!)?  Mine would have knocked me into next week.  I would not even have considered it.

Your BF is a crappy parent. If I were you, I'd move on and find a young guy I can have my own kids with. These kids are a lost cause, thanks to their father and mother.

ndc's picture

To answer your question, no, everyday kids do not act this way toward their parent or their parent's partner.  My SO's kids would not be happy if he saw them giving me the middle finger because they'd be in for some serious consequences. Most parents discipline their children and try to mold them into productive, polite, well adjusted members of society.  It sounds like your boyfriend is not doing that, and hasn't been doing it for the many years you've been with him.  To be honest, when I was 18 years old I had a really good idea of how kids acted, and I certainly knew what was bad behavior and what wasn't.  I don't know if you've buried your head in the sand for 7 years or if the behavior has recently become bad, but it seems odd to just be noticing this now.  As others have said, you are young and have options.  You aren't married to this man and you haven't reproduced with him yet.  You could walk away from this dysfunctional situation and have plenty of time to start a new life without being weighed down by someone else's terrible parenting and ill behaved children.  If you feel like you've missed out, do something about it.

SoOverIt94's picture

I have stayed willing for the 8 years. As him as a person I love him. And I care for the kids but they are just some times terrible. But it is seriously starting to stress me out. 

The oldest has always been disrespectful from day one. I know she hurts over her mother, but at the end of the day  I wasn't the one who abandoned her. I am the one who packs her lunch, goes to school activities, pays and takes her to gymnastics. So I feel like after 7 years of her mother not in the picture, I still shouldn't get the disrespectful behavior I believe. The youngest has learn that this is "acceptable" because she sees her big sister do it. Dad has never corrected the behavior. I have always disagreed with this. 

 

I put the oldest in the corner when she called me a bitch at age 9. Dad In Front of the both girls told them I have no rights to putting them in the corner. So they now see me as not adult, authority figure,  just as someone they can do or say whatever to. It's not I've been blind to this behavior or parenting. I just feel like I have had enough and I'm over all the bullshit and drama. 

 

tog redux's picture

So exactly WHY do you love him, when he treats you like dirt and lets his kids do the same?

shamds's picture

You put her in time out as a consequence and your bf told you that you have no rights to do that??

say what??

there are times where i lose it with my ss now aged 20 and his pathetic behaviour but my husband has always said i can discipline him if i see something unacceptable since i am a sahm to our 2 toddlers and hubby relies on me to update him if ss did such and such hubby asked him to do whilst he’s at work with his crazy work hours because hubby doesn’t trust him.

if ss chucked a hissy fit because i did or said something in response to his unacceptable behaviour, hubby doesn’t side with ss.

it seems there has been no respect for you since day 1 and you’re 8 years into this? I’m just over 4 yrs married to hubby and even 1 yr in i was hanmering hubby with the various issues of his son and how he treated others including hubby.

i would never allow a stepkid to call me a bitch yet alone in front of hubby without any consequences, trust me hun i’d be out the door. My skids wouldn’t dare call me a bitch or any foul mouthed words, that’s something hubby would be furious about. They’d be out the door with the clothes on their back and the money in their wallet and their remaining belongings dumped in boxes for them to pick up but my ss is an adult, sd22 & sd14 don’t live with hubby...

elkclan's picture

OMG you can't be a mother figure to these kids if you don't have the power to be a mother. Being mother isnt being some kind of glorified baby sitter -being mother is teaching kids some basic respect. Your boyfriend undermining you on critical stuff like that is not ok and there's no way you can put up with that. 

My SSs are 12 and 10 - I hand out screen bans whenever I want (our preferred and most effective form of punishment). But we are both "Warn first, punish later" kind of people - so I don't had them out without a warning first. 

My SS12 once said bitch in front of me in a stupid way that was kinda directed at me and kinda not (it's hard to explain, but I knew he wasn't calling me - personally - a bitch), I was about to say "you want to watch that kinda talk, but I know you didn't mean it but it could have sounded like it" - but his dad dropped down on him like a ton of bricks before I could get it out. I cannot imagine punishing his son for calling me a bitch and then my partner undermining me - if anything he'd heap on more. I know that if he ever disagrees with me about discipline - for his kids and even for my son - he tells me in private later. We don't undermine each other in front of kids - gosh it's hard enough raising kids without that kinda drama. 

Maxwell09's picture

He sounds like a Disney Dad...the kind of dad that goes out of his way to avoid parenting his children either because he is lazy or because he feels guilty about their current upbringing. If he ignores it then take that as his way of showing you he will always ignore it. He would rather you suck it up and be hurt than correct their behavior. You can decide for yourself if that is how you want to spend the next decade of your life all while praying this children will launch (newsflash: they won't because he isn't teaching them the tools they need to launch at 18 NOR is he teaching them to respect you enough so that you can teach them since he won't). This is all coming from someone who was an early college student trying to graduate when I met my SO and he had a 6 month old. I was thrown in to it just as you were except my DH will not let SS disrespect me and he backs me when I do parent. 

Mountains's picture

do not spend your youth in a situation that MAY not be happy or fulfilling for you.  If you want your own children, respect, and a shot at a normal life, please consider if this situation is best for you.  

Healyourslf's picture

"Do everyday kids act like this towards their parents or parents partner?"

To confirm what you already know...ABSOLUTELY NOT.  Any kid giving the finger to anyone in a parental role is brazenly disrespectful and this is completely unacceptable. The hammer should have come down long before these girls even had the notion of displaying that kind of disrespect. 

The real question is "why are you still with this guy?"  You're not going to "fix" his parenting. Both parents need to be on the same page and have to model respectful behavior towards each other and within the family in order for children to grow up as decent, respectful adults.  Your wannabe family is far from this structure.

You were young (19?) when you decided to "play house."  I would venture to say you thought you were "in love" and dove head first into the mom role because BM wasn't around. I'm sure your thinking has evolved since then.  LEARN and ACCEPT that you will not be able to change your boyfriend's behavior or that of his children. HE is definitely the crux of the problem.  HIS lackadaisical and unsupportive behavior/attitude towards you is the key driver of the girls' treatment of you.  "Dad In Front of the both girls told them I have no rights to putting them in the corner."

When you finally and fully accept that these behaviors will not change, that will be the catalyst for YOU to change yourself and your situation.  People do not stay in toxic situations unless their own behaviors are dysfunctional.  Here's the questions you need to be asking:

Why are you tolerating this? What part of you doesn't respect your own self enough to walk away from this?

What's your concept/ideal of love vs. 8 years ago?  What's his?

Are you scared to change the situation?  Why? 

Don't be dishearted...you can always choose differently.  The positives are that you are still young...you are not married to him...and you do not have children with him. You've got a full life ahead...what kind of life do YOU want it to be? Hopefully, not this.