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Am I the only one?

StepToBe1127's picture

Am I the only one that actually loves her SS? I know this is a place to vent, but some of the things I have read have been pretty appalling.

When you decide to date someone with a child, and there is a possibility of marriage, you aren't just dating that person. When I started dating my SO, he told me right away, "I am not interested in being with someone who has no interest in my son." Now, my SS is a wonderful child. I do not mean he is well behaved all the time. His BM is crazy, she is in and out of rehab, there is tons of drama with her, and it has affected my SS quite a bit. But he is a CHILD. He didn't ask for this situation.

I may be the minority, but maybe the reason everyone is complaining about how their Step kids suck and their husband is useless should take a look in the mirror.

Parenting is a team. Of course there is going to be issues when one parent doesn't agree with the other. Step or no step, kids need consistency.

When my SO goes out of town for work, it is assumed that I will take care of SS. Because that is what I signed up for when I agreed to be with him forever. You don't just marry the person. You make a commitment to that person and guess what that kid goes right along with it.

Maybe if there was more bonding going on between all these step parents and step kids, the kids would behave better.

I'm not trying to piss anyone off. Though I am positive I have. I know all situations are different. But maybe if some people took a step back and actually realized that a tiny persons life was uprooted when their parents split up, there are different rules at different houses, and they have to live two seperate lives, they'd realize that yeah sometimes we have to give a little. It doesn't mean the skid is a brat. It means that we are the adults, and we need to be good examples.

Hopefully some agree with me. When I signed up here, I thought I'd be venting about BM. I didn't realize there were so many people that had such hate for a child.

RaeRae's picture

I love my skids. I loved my skids before I loved my husband. But, kids are kids. My skids piss me off just like my biokids do. I come here mostly to vent about BM.

I agree, when you decide to get involved with a man who has children, those kids were there first, they are a part of him, and no REAL man is going to shit on his kids for some woman. A woman is replaceable, the kids are not. It's got to be a partnership, not a competition.

At the same time, there are those who allow their children to dictate their adult relationship, and those who give their children adult-status. You can be in love with a man, and hate the way he parents.

And it sucks when you finally realize you're not going to change him. You've either got to leave him, or understand that kids aren't kids forever and they will, one day, be on their own.... and if your relationship can survive raising skids, you will one day have your free time with the man you love. So if you're in it for the long haul, you might as well suck it up and help him out whenever and however possible.

the_stepmonster's picture

"You can be in love with a man, and hate the way he parents."

I think you hit the nail on the head with this line. The majority of the complaints are related to skid behaviors which are (mostly) derived from how they are being parented. Sure the children cannot help the way they are parented, but most of them are old enough to know better, as are their fathers.

If the problem was just us as SM's being mean and unkind, then there wouldn't be so many books and support groups for us. It's a difficult job and if you love your SS, good for you. But as for me, I love my DH, but tolerate my SD's because I love him.

LadyHarvell's picture

Yes I agree with the saying "You can be in love with a man, and hate the way he parents." For me his parenting makes me not want to be bothered with the skids. Between the BM and him, I just choose to involve myself when I feel like it.

3798HH's picture

Glad your Skid is good cause mine sure ain't... we've tried everything and even DH doesn't know where the attitude and hate comes from on SS's part... it's not that I hate him, it's that he hates me and also his SD with his BM... There are a lucky few whose skids have been raised right but for the most part of us the dads are guilty parenting with the bs of "oh poor xxxx he/she has been through so much with the divorce, bless it's heart" EXCUSE me I was a Skid, and I have never acted like my SS does to me.. my parents would have beat the hell out of me if I even thought about acting the way my SS does... Dh is with me on every page except he does not spank, he yells for 2 hours at SS7 for acting the way he does.

My DH does put me first and he has told SS that I will come first and what I say goes.. he even told SS the reason was because in 10 years when he is dating or whatever then dad will be alone if he doesn't keep me happy, and asked him if he wanted that for dad? It didn't matter if SS loved me or even liked me cause he loves me and I will be there when SS is grown with a family of his own...

The blame does lie on the parent.. I love my husband but I could care less about his kid and he knows it.

Anon2009's picture

Same here- I love my SDs very much. I come here to ask for advice in general and to vent about BM. I also try to give others advice based on what improved the situation for DH, the girls and myself.

I also agree that I'd never $hit on my kids for a man. I don't have kids, but I think this is the way any sane person feels.

By the same token, I won't tolerate my kids treating my adult partner like $hit. They may not like said partner. They might feel as though they hate him. That's fine. However, it'll be a cold day in he11 before I would tolerate my kids disrespecting any adult. I would get my children counseling, spend one on one time with each of them, and go on weekly dates with my partner. Nobody should feel neglected. Everyone should feel important. There's a way to build a strong marriage while still being a loving parent to your kids. There's also ways to be close with your kids while still maintaining a healthy child/adult boundary.

StepToBe1127's picture

I understand getting pissed at them. I tell my SO when skid is being a brat, and he doesn't take offense to it.

He also works nights so the majority of the time, it's just me and SS. Which, even though he can be a handful, is fine with me.

I am NOT saying my ss is perfect. His mom taught him to throw a fit and youll get whatever you want. She is manipulative and thats passed on to him. Tell him he cant play a video game? He will say he is hungry and STARVING and cry until you feed him, even if he just ate dinner.

But he has also learned the rules here. SO and I both tell him, "What you do with your mom does NOT fly here." He learned real quick.

witsend71's picture

Wait until your SS is older. You'll be eating your words. Some people are harsh, yes...but we didn't start out like this. The protective sheath over our nerves has worn thin over the years. It's about lack of control, lack of power, lack of money, lack of respect, lack of patience, lack of tolerance. For your sake, I hope you never lack these things...but some of us do.

StubbornEnough's picture

Being half of a blended family, I get to see the situation from both sides.

I see Hubby's relationship with my kids, and my relationship with his. The difference between the two is quite obvious.

I DEMAND that my kids respect him. My kids are not angels by any means. Teen mothers, cigarette smokers, a little bit wild, BUT they give Hubby 100% respect at all times. If they didn't, I would bust their little asses.

His DD15 loves me, loves my girls, (sometimes tries to be like them, which is kinda funny)and helps with the grandbabies a lot.

However, all bets are off with Miss Snitchy. She hates me, hates my girls, hates the grandbabies, and even hates her own sister. She doesn't want ANYBODY near her daddy. She whines, screams, pouts, slams, tattles, lies, refuses to be a part of anything that we do as a family.

Hubby works 60 plus hours a week, and every minute he is gone, she is a tyrant. She even calls him at work(he is a COP, for god's sake, his work is dangerous!) and tattles on everybody for "being mean to her". COME ON! All we want is to live our lives! We want to be a family!

She got rid of us once, I left for four months, and lo and behold, the whole time we were gone, she was pulling the same shit with her sister! "Daddy, she's mean to me, she bosses me around, she spreads rumors about me at school, etc,"

Thank God it made him see that the problem wasn't US, it was HER.

With all of that going on, HOW can I like her? How can I love her? She has made it clear that she wants me gone!

I love him enough to accept the fact that he has a troubled child who will never accept me, and I let him be her parent, while the rest of us go on being a big, happy family.

B22S22's picture

"Maybe if there was more bonding going on between all these step parents and step kids, the kids would behave better."

In an ideal world, you are correct. But what about those situations where the SK REFUSES the "bonding"? How about a world where you, as a SM, have done everything you possibly can to bring this new family together, only to be treated as NOTHING when the SK's are around? They aren't rude of mouth, they're rude of behavior. I can't make them like me, and quite frankly I'm tired of trying. They're almost adults, and I've been in their lives since they were 9. Do you think it's going to change? Doubtful. I ask myself every day if there was something I SHOULD have done differently... but then I think, you know I can't carry this burden all on my shoulders. Respect is a TWO WAY street. With that being said, I think looking in the mirror as you suggested will only solve HALF the problem.

"But maybe if some people took a step back and actually realized that a tiny persons life was uprooted when their parents split up, there are different rules at different houses, and they have to live two seperate lives, they'd realize that yeah sometimes we have to give a little. It doesn't mean the skid is a brat. It means that we are the adults, and we need to be good examples."

There are LOTS of things in this world that will uproot a child's life. My children's father passed away when they were 3 and 5. If this isn't devastating, I don't know what is to a child. To know they will never have their father see them grow up, see my son's sporting events, see them make honor roll, walk my daughter down the aisle? And all the while knowing the "father figure" in their life is a good guy, but will always have much stronger allegiances to his own children.

However, I have taught my children from the very beginning that life sucks sometimes, and it's all in how we deal with it. I have REFUSED to allow them to use their circumstance as a crutch for bad behavior. THAT is the example I set for my children, and will continue to do so.

I truly believe that we all choose our behaviors. Even small children do. And all behaviors, whether positive or negative are also reinforced either positively or negatively. If a child is allowed to act rudely, entitled, and given adult-status, then the child is going to run with that concept, believing s/he has every right in the world to call the shots. But my feelings are this: kids, especially older ones (like my SK's, who are mid-teens) know exactly what they are doing when they act the way they do towards me. They delight in trying to pit their father and I against each other, and then try to get their mom involved just for good measure.

Would I sing SK's praises to the world? Nope. And that's maybe because in the many years I've been in their lives they've done nothing to show me they even acknowledge my existance. I feel sorry for them though, because they are close to adulthood, and I have to wonder how successful they will (or will not) be in the future because they act the way they do. But hey -- I'm just the stepmom. It was made very clear to me from the beginning that I was not to have any emotional contribution in raising another woman's children even though it's expected that I financially contribute to their upbringing. So your statement that "parenting is a team" may be correct on the surface, but in many step cases is totally off the mark from reality.

Until you experience some of the absolutely horrible situations discussed here (and my issues are no where NEAR what some of the stepparents on this site have endured), I do not believe the simple statements of "be the adult", "Look in the mirror" and "Parenting is a team" hold water. Sorry if I pissed you off, but obviously you are in a completely different place than many on this board.

herewegoagain's picture

Boyfriend of a year and 7yr old son...so your boyfriend is custodial...hmmm...let's see...wait about 3 years, then remember that you are with the boy the majority of the time vs. eow, which means you and your boyfriend can mold the kid most of the time vs. some other vindictive witch putting things into their little brains for 12days straight and then you try to UNDO it in 2 days...sure...and then they become teens and then the teen calls your boyfriend an AHOLE, a PATHETIC F#$%#$% LOSER because your boyfriend won't give him extra money to go sc#$%#$5w his new girlfriend...and then you see your boyfriend's heart broken because you could see how much he did for this kid growing up who now calls him a F#$%#$%ing loser and stops contact with him unless your boyfriend gives in to the constant demands for money...and then, only then, you can question why some people here hate their skids...

Auteur's picture

"Living with my boyfriend of a year and his 7 year old son."

That says it all. You have only seen the "rosey" side so far. Call me in the next 3-5 years. I'm sure you'll have a NEW INTEREST in this site and not just to tell everyone how wrong they are for feeling animosity for the children who are allowed to give their dad and stepmom an "IN YOUR FACE F-ER!"

giveitago's picture

I love my SKids more than they will ever know, or deserve! SD has already done some introspection and is coming out of her 'phase' LOL. SS is still in his for another couple of years. Once the temporal lobe develops there are huge changes in teenagers.
I know we will look back and chuckle about some of the 'escapades' with SD in time. She's been in a secure juvenile detention center for almost a year now and she will be released soon. She wants back into university and her own place, she made 18 last fall and she's a smart girl. She's still a sociopath, however she's learned new behaviors like how to catch more flies with honey! If anything she's MORE manipulative, think SIREN, and she'll always do OK somehow.

Roarin1's picture

There's a lot of love/hate in a step-relationship. I've found being a stepfather to be pretty awesome on occasion. Lately though, I'm exhausted. My SS14 has screamed at me that he hates me, told his mom that he's been trying to split us up for years, constantly manipulates me to get me to lose my temper, intentionally forgets to do things he's been asked politely to take care of, treats my biological son (9) like an annoyance/unwelcome guest, and is generally just a little A-hole most of the time. I'm really at the point where, though I love my wife, I'd really like to live in a household that didn't include him and his crazy behavior. And the description of his behavior that I just typed out is being pretty nice about it.

Not-the-mom's picture

This is a "venting" site, not a "non-venting" site after all.

Maybe you could suggest that one of the sections here be for those stepparents who get along fine with their skids.

It would be nice to see that there are actually nice skids. Smile

Venting here helps us relieve some of the pressure.

There are two kinds of venting though, constructive and destructive. The constructive is where you are blowing off steam, then working for a solution to the issues. The destructive venting is where you vent, and instead of it helping you clear your head and be open to finding solutions, it just makes you more and more bitter and resentful.

It helps me to vent here so that I can purge the stress and frustration, then I am more able to look for constructive solutions without the emotions getting in the way.

There is a value to venting - even if you don't understand it yet.
Read and learn, because as others have said, you may find yourself in our place someday.

frustrated-mom's picture

I have no problems with my two SSs. I'm not sure I can exactly say that I love them. They get on my nerves quite frequently, but I don't have issues with them typically, but I only see them every other weekend.

On the other hand, with SD15, DH didn't even tell me about her until months after we started dating. She's an unfortunately mistake he made as a teenager and he was barely involved in her life. He saw her 1-2 times a year and she lived with her grandmother over 1000 miles away. She was very much out of sight, out of mind. I never thought I would even have to deal with her and I only met her once before we got married.

Had I even known she would end up living with us and making our lives a living hell, I would have thought twice about getting married.

I have no desire to bond with my stepkids. I fell in love with my DH and he has baggage. I feel no obligation to have any sort of role in their lives.

StepToBe1127's picture

Actually until June we only had him EOW. But then when she popped in and out of rehab and was found passed out on sidewalks, bf got full custody.

And we arent married yet because we have only been together a year.

I wasnt trying to preach. I know Im new to this.

I can asure you I will not get tired of caring for him when my bf is working nights. ALL kids can be brats. He is actually a very well behaved kid, but he does have his moments. Maybe I got lucky and found a man who loves me and his son loves me too.

I think he got equally lucky that I am able to love his son as my own.

He and I have bonded quite a bit since he has spent less time with his mom. She is a constant source of drama unfortunately, but it does not effect bf and I.

And we talk about getting married all the time, but until we go to court in January and I start school and bf isnot paying CS ANS having his son full time, its not finacially doable right now.

I will say its sad that some of you think I will resent my FSS in time. I honestly don't think I will. He is a great kid. Tells me he cant wait for me to be his stepmom. He is also a very smart kid and isnt as easily manipulated by his mom.

Its just sad to see the way people talk about a kid. Yeah I know a lot of them are almost adults, and you've tried to bond and they wont have it. But idk. It just makes me sad.

StepToBe1127's picture

"There will be dynamics in your situation that you will have no control over. We have heard of many bio-mothers who have abandoned, abused and/or neglected their children. Somehow, it is not uncommon for their children to go from loving their SM, to idolizing their bio-mother, regardless of what she did. And it's also not unusual for the stepchildren to turn on their stepmother. It's like displaced anger, rejection and disappointment. It will be easier for them to take it out on their non-related stepmother than admit their own flesh and blood could let them go. I know, you can't imagine that either."

I can imagine that. It's a fear of mine. His mother has abandoned him to an extent. We are working with her to try to help her be able to have him more, but we need to make sure he is safe above all. We have him in therapy so he can talk about his feelings. i have a friend in cps that says the age kids go from thinking their parents are flawless to realizing they arent is between 8-12. So I'm sure the day is coming when he sees that she is the one to be angry at. And I'm sure he will take it out on me. But he is also a very sensitive little boy. He would rather draw a picture than throw a baseball. He is not athletic, he has an artistic mind. The more he goes without seeing his mom, the more attached he and I get. we have a very deep bond in the short year we have known each other. he will crawl into bed with me in the mornings just to cuddle. I feel very lucky that my situation is so easy.

My bf does an amazing job of keeping me involved. The other day we were dropping fss off with his mom and he pulled the car over, had me get out so fss wouldnt hear, and said, "Do you think it would be a good idea if we let him stay the night?" he doesnt make decisions without me. We are very much a team.

I should also add that bf and BM were not together long. They were together for a total of about 6-8 months, on and off. BF's mother said bm has always had issues, and nobody saw what he saw in her. She admitted to everyone she purposely didnt take her BC so she could try to keep him around. I still feel like sometimes she hates that she lost him, but he has made her very aware that he is going to marry me, I am going to be her sons stepmom, and I do so much for that child and I deserve the utmost respect from her.

I guess I am so lucky not only because fss loves me, but because I have an amazing man that makes my life so easy.

Auteur's picture

The BM NEVER is the focus of anger for a guilty daddy and especially NOT an alcoholic guilty daddy. Stepmon is the one who gets the brunt of all anger in my experience. Why just last night I could tell that GG was pissed about work (something that he took out on ME the other day) so I had to literally change the subject all night long to something "positive" to keep him from going down that road again, Seriously this is not a life I'd recommend to anyone. He's a brooding guilty daddy who has given all the power to the BM and likes to blame me for it.

stormabruin's picture

"I will say its sad that some of you think I will resent my FSS in time. I honestly don't think I will. He is a great kid. Tells me he cant wait for me to be his stepmom. He is also a very smart kid and isnt as easily manipulated by his mom."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I love my stepkids more than I ever would have guessed I could love someone else's child. I have loved them & continue to through thick & thin, but it's ignorant to present your thoughts in a way that suggests that others are wrong for not being fortunate enough to be able to make that connection with theirs.

Being very honest with you, as charming as your SS may be, it isn't always about kids being manipulated by their parents. In many situations it is. In mine it is. However, in my situation, many of the issues have been created & supported by the fact that SS & SD have figured out how to manipulate BM as well.

Kids aren't as naive as many believe them to be. They can be crafty, deceptive, & as manipulative as any adult.

We all hope & pray it doesn't happen in our homes. For most it does, for some it doesn't.

Try to understand that there are people here from all walks of life. We all face different challenges in our marriages/relationships & in our homes.

It is sad that people feel this way about kids, but it is also sad that many kids are taught that it's okay to treat these people horribly & disrespectfully. Read on. There are many stepparents who deal with situations that are unbelieveable. Some kids are easy to love, & some that are harder to love.

It's great that you have a fantastic relationship with your SS, but have a heart big enough to realize that everyone isn't so fortunate. Your blog came across as being very judgemental.

StepToBe1127's picture

I know that I will end up loving my own child more. I have admitted to bf thats one of my biggest fears.

Those of you saying you are warning me.. are you though? Bf has all the power right now. He has custody. She TAUGHT FSS to be manipulative. Now that we have him most of the time, OUR parenting has shown to have had an affect on him.

I do feel sad that so many of you went from loving your skids to despising them. And I know I cant sit here and honestly say that I KNOW that wont change for me.

But I have also never ever held any anger towards a child. I worked with special needs kids, Ive nannied, and Im in school to be a teacher.

Meeting bf, moving in with him and FSS, just felt right to me. It felt like, Im so glad that this child has so many people loving him now.

Then again, and this is just what I have read here. A lot of times, when complaints are made about the skids, complaints are made against the husbands as well. BF doesnt let him get away with the poor me I dont see my mom as much anymore act. We are somewhat strict here, he cleans up after himself, he puts his plate in the dishwasher. But we still have fun. On the weekends, when I have been cooking all week and taking care of fss, I will wake up in the morning to the smell of breakfast cooking and hear laundry in the washing machine. Maybe I am just lucky.

I wasnt always lucky though. I was in a 5 year abusive relationship. I went through a SEVERE depression. I was in bed for months. I hit rock bottom. Maybe this is God's way of making it up to me?

BF is very much like his father Ive been told. His father passed when bf was 14, so he was practically raised by his mother and 2 sisters. he very much knows how to treat a lady.

The only thing I can say with 100% honesty is that I truly hope all your situations get better. I am going to try like hell to always have a good relationship with fss. Even though his mom can be crazy, she does love her son, and when she is in the right frame of mind she is always thanking me for being so wonderful to him. She says all he wants is a sibling and since she cant have any more kids, she cant wait for the day that bf and I can give her one. its a strange relationship to say the least, but I have enough respect for her as the mother of the little boy i adore to truly hope she gets her life in order.

Just please don't automatically assume because I am going to marry a man with a kid that I am going to end up hating him. That is probably the saddest thing I have heard. I know what I am getting into. And I am doing just fine.

havesimplyhadit's picture

and your point in posting this is? if your life is so grand, why the hell are you on this board? go enjoy your stepson, make cookies with him, spend time alone with him (ummm.. ew)

StepToBe1127's picture

Ew what?

I joined this board because his mom is crazy and I thought I needed a place to vent about her.

The more I think about it, the more I probably don't belong here. I understand that a lot of you have terrible relationships with your skids, but do you actually all believe that EVERY stepmom is going to end up resenting her skid?

I truly am sorry that you all have such a hard time and a hard life.

But when I signed up for this relationship, I knew that a little boy came with it. i knew there would be ups and downs. But I knew a kid came with the man I love and I love everything about him, including his son.

If the tables were turned and I had a kid and was trying to find someone to spend my life with, someone who didn't like my kid wouldn't make it past the first 5 seconds.

StepToBe1127's picture

So if ten years ago you'd had a place to vent, you still think you'd be where you are now?

Hypocritical much?

I am not a "youth." I have a lot of life experience. And I'm not going to apologize that my FSS is actually nice to me.

His MOM is the crazy one. And since she lost ALL her custodial rights when she couldn't put down the vodka, I'm not really worried about him growing to hate me. Considering he calls both me and his dad when he's with her for a few days and says he missed us when he comes back. We have all worked very hard to make his life as normal as possible while this was all going on.

When BM was in rehab an hour away, my boyfriend drove an hour each way to let his son see his mother for TWO hours a week. And he did it for his son. As much as he hates BM, he loves his son even more.

My entire point is that just because there is a forum full of people who hate their skids, and whos skids are unappreciative and horrible to them, doesn't mean it's GOING to happen to me.

i came here to vent about bm. I did not realize this was a place to vent about children.

twopines's picture

Why on earth wouldn't you think this was a place to vent about every aspect of stepparenting?

Just as you are not going to apologize for your FSS being nice to you, so are we not going to apologize for venting about children who are sometimes so horrible they would make a saint swear.

Perhaps you should find a website that is dedicated to venting about mothers with addictions who have lost custody of their children.

dledden's picture

I'm new to this board and my skid annoys the ever loving shit out of me. always has, from the time I met him. but I wanted baby daddy so with that comes the baggage of the skid, just the way life is. After being on this board only a few weeks, I can see how HE probably feels about my kids too.

My fdh's baby momma is a junkie just like the poster's. She calls every few months to see the kid and fiancee lets her see him because I said it's ok. I WANT HER to be part of his life, because I don't wanna be his full time momma. I wish she would clean herself up and take him more; take some of the burden of this skid off of me. But, to no avail, hasn't happened in 3 years, probably aint gonna happen.

I want SKID to love his mother and force her to actually BE a mother so I don't have to do it all the time. Probably a weird scenario, i'm venting about BM in a little different way than some, but it's ok to come here and vent about BM. But, I think the poster should heed the advice of many here and realize that you are not the skid's mother, and that someday the tables might turn on you.....just heed the advice and prepare to be prepared is all.

StepToBe1127's picture

I knew I wasn't going to make a lot of friends with this thread. Believe me, I did.

Maybe I worded it wrong. because you all did help me.

You made me complain less. You made me realize that maybe I don't need a forum.

I have a wonderful supportive boyfriend and a fss that adores me. I am aware this all may not last forever, but for the girl that was mentally abused and made to feel like shit in a previous relationship, this is all new for me.

I knew thered be venting. Like I said before, bm has had some effect on fss, and I knew others would have it worse.

I just did not realize there would be SUCH hate in your feelings. it caught me by surprise.

But I stand firm that nothing is going to get better with your skids if you continue to hate them. I do apologize for any feathers I have ruffled. but I'm sure you all can handle it.

twopines's picture

Of course we can handle it. There is a woman on here who has handled her skid plotting to murder her son. If that's not worthy of a vent, I don't know what is.

StepToBe1127's picture

Whats difficult in the first year is being the one woman your kid has spent time with since his parents split up when he was 6 months old.

Whats difficult is telling him he lives with you now and only gets to see his mom once a week.

whats difficult is hearing him tell you about how he watched his mom try to drown herself in the bathtub.

just because I dont have the same issues as you all do doesnt mean I dont have stress.

Auteur's picture

"Whats difficult in the first year is being the one woman your kid has spent time with since his parents split up when he was 6 months old"

Personally I would love that; it would take the PaSinator BM out of the picture; at least for awhile

"Whats difficult is telling him he lives with you now and only gets to see his mom once a week"

If his mom is that bad, then what you've described is a cake walk. "SS, you're with us now and we'll take good care of you AND you GET to see your mom once a week" voila! It's all in how it's worded; no need to make a mountain out of a molehill.

"whats difficult is hearing him tell you about how he watched his mom try to drown herself in the bathtub"

And this would be an EXCELLENT opportunity to practice one's finely honed parenting skills: "SS I know you saw some icky stuff happening, but you know, we all see some things that are not so nice; good thing we have plenty of GOOD TIMES to go around."

Wink

beyond pissed-off's picture

Only a 6.5 from the East German judges. As usual!!! (showing my age here!) Smile

beyond pissed-off's picture

Only a 6.5 from the damned East German judges. As usual!!! (showing my age here!) Smile

hismineandours's picture

Hey that's me! Unless there are two of us. I want this op to know that I met my ss when he was 1. He was sooo freaking cute. I bonded with him quite easily. I felt he loved me as well. His mother also has substance abuse problems. I watched him all the time as my dh worked out of town-I watched him for an entire YEAR while my dh was in Iraq and bm was doing drugs.

My dh did not appear to have any parenting issues at that point. Everything was so incredibly rosy so no differences were ever noticed. My dh was custodial. I never, never in a million years would have predicted how things ended up in my situation. I am a Master's level educated individual, I work with troubled children and have for 15 years-I certainly dont make a habit of disliking children.

And I put up with a lot-my ss had issues. He was the child of a drug/alcohol user, right? A child of divorce. Of course he had some issues. I rolled with it. I read books, got him some professional help. I protected him, cared for him, loved him. Just was not prepared to continually place MY own children at risk. The murder plot to my son was simply one last thing in a line of aggressive acts towards me, mine, and my home. Comments about burning down our home, blooding my son's nose, busting his lip, twisting my toddler daughter's arm when he was 8 and 9 years old, stealing my panties and bras, taking them to school and showing classmates. Stealing my childrens belongings, taking them to bm's and selling them, etc, etc, etc. Stuff I never, ever would have imagined in the first year of dating my future dh. Things in my household did not even really start getting ugly until he was about 6. Four to five years after meeting dh. He was in our care full time-shouldnt he have adopted our morals and values? I have 3 other children that have thrived in that same environment-so it cant be all that bad.

This summer, my ss, at 13 was caught trying to grow marijuana in his bm's front yard. Who would have predicted that one? Well, I did, but not until many years after knowing him and being his sm. Do I hate him? No, I dont. I dont hate anyone. Do I like him? No, not particularly. It is very difficult to like someone who has brought so much pain into your household. Someone who treats you with nothing but contempt and disrespect. He actually thanked me over facebook the other day for an xmas gift. This is probably the nicest thing he has said to me in years. Probably the only nice thing he has said to me in years. Do I believe it is genuinely meant? No, I dont. YEARS and YEARS worth of knowledge and experience with this kid will not allow me to accept tht is genuine. If it, well, my bad. Only time will tell.

My point to you is that you have NO ability to predict the future. The child is young-you appear to be his primary caretaker. Sounds like he is smart enough to know right now he needs you to take care of him. That could very easily change. Mom could clean up, could start a campaign of alienation against you, and soon he could be stealing your panties. Perhaps he will wait til you have a child of your own and he will devise a murder plot. Let's see if you are still having warm fuzzies about your happy family. I do not mean to be condescending but I am afraid that is what you ahve been to so many of us here. I have been a sm for 12 years. Not inexperienced by any means and I've been through it all. I've had a bond with this child, we've been a custodial family, my dh has been a good parent at times, not so much anymore as I know he has given up in his heart of making ss into a good person so now he is willing to accept whatever crumbs ss throws his way just to maintain some sort of contact with him.

Be thankful that things are ok with your ss right now. But please do not believe that itis some sort of guarantee that they always will be. None of us have that-not even with our biological children. Why would you have it with a child and a man you've only been with for a year?

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Wow... I remember thinking just like her the first 6 months of my relationship. BM is crazy, he's going to grow up to love us, I should do everything for him because people ALWAYS return love and kindness and it will be expected of me, my SO is so willing for me to be involved and wants nothing more than to treat me as a team. Anyone who doesn't understand that must not understand what love is.

So I did a little research of my own to better prepare myself, found this site, and realized it's not all rainbows and roses and that the chance of it f***ing up is pretty much huge, especially if the BM is crazy and we don't have custody. Then I turned around and started to see the little things that SO is doing that could potentially spell disaster for our relationship. Then we had multiple talks/fights/sessions of picking out the details and dynamics of how we were going to work.

Let me say this, never did I think she would with-hold visitation, never did I think the courts would be so unfair, never did I think the lawyers for both sides only wanted money and was willing to drag this out for as long as possible, never did I think we were going to make the decision to not see the child until he is 5-6 years old (have not seen him yet at 1 year of age) to save him from the conflicts that would arise between SO and BM, never did I think we were going to come to the conclusion that no contact until he can think for himself would be the best for everyone involved, because BM ONLY CARES ABOUT FIGHTING TO GET TO SO. Never did I think I would hate our situation so much that I was willing to leave him just so I didn't have to deal with it anymore.

I am SO GRATEFUL for the existence of this site, even though I am not in the midst of the stepparenting world yet, this site has prepared me in ways no other can, has prepared BOTH me and SO (who is also intermittently surfing this place), for him to not want to be "that guy", for me to realize that hate is alright, for HIM to realize, that hate, like the one he already feels for the entire situation, is okay, and that what will define us is how we deal with it.

So I also have an SO who cares and loves and respects my opinion, but this, he has sworn, will hold true even if I end up hating or resenting the kid. Does her's? If his love for her is only conditional on the fact that she cares for his child, I can see her singing a different tune when it turns around and she's feeling the repercussions of the world revolve around the child.

Dreamers can never be tamed, but they can be broken.

Unhappy's picture

"Whats difficult in the first year is being the one woman your kid has spent time with since his parents split up when he was 6 months old.

Whats difficult is telling him he lives with you now and only gets to see his mom once a week.

whats difficult is hearing him tell you about how he watched his mom try to drown herself in the bathtub."
---------------------------------------

I'm sorry StepToBe1127, but it's not called difficult, it's called life.

I had to take full custody of my BD(7) when she was 4. Her father was a drug doing drunk who was drinking and driving with her in the car. Was it difficult? No. It was probably one of the more easier things I have ever done. Why? Because it's life. That's what needed to be done.

You think that because you had a difficult relationship that it some how gives you an edge on all of this. It may have made you a stronger person but it doesn't give you a heightened since of what the future holds. I could tell you stories about my childhood that would make your skin crawl. Do I know everything about step parenting because of it? No. Do I presume to know how step parenting works for other people? No. Am I stonger person because of everything I went through? Yes.

Do I hate my FSKids? No. Do I have moments of disliking them? Yes. Can my feelings change in the future? Of course. Do I know if it will be for the better or worse? I have no clue.

What you need to understand is that nobody's lives are the same. We are not all dealing with the same kids. And this I can tell you, if I were to find out that FSD(7) was plotting to kill my child, you bet your a$$ I would hate her. Nobody hurts my flesh and blood. But this is something that you at this point and time in your life will not understand.

You need to get down off of your high horse and realize that you may understand your life, but you can not possibly understand anybody elses. The great thing about having freedom of will is that you can choose to do or to not do something. Example: reading blogs where skids are being bashed on. I'm pretty sure that you can tell by the title whether it's going to be about skids or BMs. So why would you choose to read something that you don't agree with and then post on here bashing everybody who posts that kind of stuff?

I just don't get you.

StepToBe1127's picture

I am not saying that in your shoes I wouldnt be saying the same things. i was honestly saying that I did not realize what this place was all about.

I know I dont have it hard. But please dont assume I will. just because Im going to be a stepmom doesnt mean im gonna grow to hate my stepson. I am not trying to get his bm out of his life. we could have done that months ago but we didnt want a kid that was going to hate US for taking his mom away, no matter how bad for him she was.

We want her to get better. And bf has never had an issue with discipline. Just because everything is find now in OUR household, doesnt mean its going to get bad.

I came here to vent about bm. All I have been saying is i did not realize so much venting was about the kids.

twopines's picture

No, that is not all you've been saying. You are not the first, and you won't be the last, to try using soundbite psychology on this site.

StepToBe1127's picture

I admit saying that in my original post was probably wrong. It is wrong to blame people for something I do not know firsthand. I was having a bad day with FSS's mom and I took it out on here. I sincerely apologize for that.

I still stand by my statement of just because it has gone sour for those of you it has, does not mean it WILL for me. I am fully aware that I have an uphill battle. I am fully aware that the stepchild/stepparent dynamic can change daily.

I know that most of you DO have loving husbands. I was in a relationship where I couldnt talk to him about anything because it would get turned around to be my fault. I commend you for staying with husbands you love that have kids that make your life hell. I would not be able to. I can tell you with 100% honesty if I experienced some of the things I have read on here I WOULD be gone. I also firmly believe that communication is the key to a happy relationship, and bf and I have wonderful communication. I feel for those of you that cannot say anything about your skids without your husbands lashing out on you for not liking them. That must be hard, and you must feel very alone.

I think the reason I don't see that happening to me is that if FSS is getting on my nerves a little, as ALL 7 year olds can, I simply tell bf, "Hey I need a little bit of me time," and he sends me out with my sister in law for a margarita. It does not mean I love fss any less, but being the main caretaker for a 7 year old can get a little exhausting.

I probably did word my first post wrong and for that I am very sorry. Re reading it, I do look like I was coming across as "Look at me, things are PERFECT in the first year for me, its YOUR fault things are going wrong after 15."

Like I said before, those of you that are sticking around for the love of your husband, I think thats great. Its also good for the kids to see that when the going gets tough, the best thing to do isnt always to run away.

However, The complaints I do see on here are things that I don't see happening in my relatonship. My bf has never let fss get away with whining, hes never thrown a fit in a grocery store, he doesnt get to eat whatever he wants. For crying out loud his favorite meal we cook is meatloaf! We do have struggles when we let him go to his moms for 2 days, because he comes back whiny and very "I dont want toooOOOOooOOOO" but we simply say "The stuff you do at your moms does not fly here and you know that." Back in the beginning it was harder because mom had him mon-fri and we only had him on the weekends, by the time we got him back to his manners and behaving, it was time to send him home.

My main need for venting is BM. A few weeks ago she made it very clear to me that "You are not his mother you do not get to make decisions for him. Ever." She of course apologized the next day, and said she is glad that fss has me in his life, but BM is the original reason i signed up here.

The problem with that though, is that when I complained about BM here I seemed to get the vibe of,"Of course youre not his mom. Shes right. Let BF do all the work. Dont do anything." And thats not what i WANT to do. I WANT to parent this child. I WANT to be a family. But those of you that have disengaged seem to feel that every step mother should just stand back and not be a part of the picture.

Let me close, if ay of you are still reading, by saying once again I am sorry. I am not experienced when it comes to being with someone with a child. This is the first time I have dated anyone with a child, and it's going to lead to marriage. I did come off very preachy. I probably should have said, "I feel sad that so many of you have had such a hard time trying to have a healthy relationship with your skids that giving up was the best option." because no matter how you cut the deck, it IS sad. A child SHOULD have 2 parents that love him/her in the home they live in. It's a simple as that. And no matter whos fault it is, a step parent and a step child not getting along, going as far as to HATE each other, it IS sad.

I apologize once more to those that felt lectured by a *newbie*

StepToBe1127's picture

Im not back peddling, just choosing different words.

Different people handle situations differently. I still dont agree with a lot of what people are saying, I still dont see how someone could hate a child, but then again, I worked with special needs kids that werent even mine every day and got bit and spit on and peed on, and i still loved those kids.

Different people can handle different situations. my apology was for how I came across. i still stand behind my original statement of it being sad that so many people hate a child.

daysleeper's picture

That was my point. Some people are shitty from birth. Children are not exempt from being assholes.

daysleeper's picture

So, in that case, you're still being sanctimonious and judgmental. "How can anyone hate ~a chiiiiiiiild?!?!~" is a sanctimonious attitude. When these kids steal, lie, swear, manipulate, and sabotage. That's how. If you find it so sad, try thinking in another set of shoes for long enough to realize that not all children are innocent angels. Some people are fucking assholes as adults. The same thing applies to children. When kids are given carte Blanche to be rude and hateful because there is no familial tie to the step, it gets even nastier.

StepToBe1127's picture

How is she going to win?

When bf and I get married, yeah i still wont have rights, but I will at least be his actual stepmother.

StepToBe1127's picture

This is a very good point. All I can say is I will try my best.

There have been times where BM will drop off fss, after 3 days without so much as a shower, and I have caught myself asking fss "Why didnt you shower over there?!" and then I realize its not up to the 7 year old to make those decisions.

All I can honestly say is I am going to try my very hardest. BF and I dont talk about bm much because of the fact that we dont want to let it interfere with our relationship. we talk about things that need to be talked about, but we try not to talk about her rehab and her issues.

twopines's picture

I completely agree with not talking about BM unless it's absolutely necessary. My DH would rather eat broken glass than ever have to think about BM again, LOL!

StepToBe1127's picture

I know plenty of people that know how to love their mother, their father, AND their step parents.

I am ready for him to not love me the WAY he loves his mom. But he does love me.

And I am so sorry you guys are having to deal with kids that are being so manipulated by their mothers. FSS may only be 7, but I know him well and so does his dad and I firmly believe that will never be him. Also, his mother, while she has a lot of personal issues, doesn't try to sabotage US. She manipulates him into missing her, but thats because she misses him.

FSS loves his father very very much, and they have a very close bond. I still do believe that its not the kids fault, but its the parents fault. The bio parent for teaching a child to be so terrible, and the stepmoms dh for not correcting their own child. I understand you are doing the best you an and your husband may not be in the place to be parenting her as much as he'd like. But I would still in that situation try my hardest to bond with that child to try to undo what her mother is done. Then again, we can easily undo what fss's mother does in her short visits with her. For others, it may not be so easy.

StepToBe1127's picture

The only way i can answer this question is with an, "I dont know."

I dont think I would stick around long enough for it to get that far, honestly. And bf told me that no matter how much he loved me, if fss and I didnt get along, it would be over. So again, I commend you for staying with him. I do not doubt your love for your dh. I think those whose dh's don't do anything about what the kid is doing are just as much to blame as the kids though, IMO. And if my husband was letting his son treat me that way, I can't say I'd continue to love him.

It takes a very special kind of person to accept someone elses child into their home. Loving that child is obviously not a requirement, but it is for me and my bf.

StepToBe1127's picture

Thank you. I am glad I did come here because i did learn a lot. I know that bm has the capability of intruding into our lives more than we'd care for.

I also think that my bf, and his son, are wonderful people that (hopefully) arent capable of all the bad things I have heard on here.

heres hoping, lol

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

^this

I would walk if my SO ever, ever, EVER had an expectation of me to love his kid or to feel something I don't. I don't expect him to love my parents or my dogs and cats, but to coexist with them without being abusive and he expects the same likewise.

I had actually talked to him about my fear of not being able to be a good "stepmom" and to "love" the kid, or maybe even end up "resenting" him and he looked at me like I was crazy. "Stepmom? I don't need to or want you to be that. You are my partner, first and foremost. And if you end up hating/resenting the kid, that would be my fault for allowing it to get so far."

I even brought up one instance that I read here where a child maliciously pulled the earring out of his stepmom's ear, and SO said "if that EVER happened to you, no matter whose kid it was, you better get to him first because I'd smack the sh*t out of the little bastard." He might have been part joking, but knowing how protective he is of me, I wouldn't put it past him.

Having a supportive SO allows us to treat the kids better because we also don't feel as threatened or displaced in our home--part of that support means not forcing your partner to be something that they may not be able to be. If they do, wonderful, extra points, if they don't, you should not love them any less.

It's like saying, I will only love you if in the future, you will get a job that earns you 200k a year. It's something that may or may not happen but your marriage should not be conditional on it.

cant win for losin's picture

Well i have read your posts and replies, in some you kept saying how things are good, we are saying they more than likely will get bad, and your response is, that it doesnt mean it will get bad for you just because it did for us. (Yes i am summarizing and paraphrasing)
Your right, it doesnt mean it will, BUT it doesnt mean it wont either.
i have also read where you have stated (paraphrasing again) that you dont believe your situation will get like the ones you have read here. Well of course not. Why? Cause no two step situation is exactly the same! Can they have similarities? Yup. But because these situations involve people you will get several approaches, several different results, and several different feelings about it.
it doesnt mean one was more right or more wrong for their approach, result and feelings.
We all as sm's, do the best we can at the present time with the knowledge and experience we have at that moment.
As sm's it truly is us against the world. We are an elite club. The only requirement for a membership is to be in a serious relationship with a man who has kids. (Sorry, sd's are allowed too of course lol) Our only rule, dont condem another step! You dont have to agree, you will never truly understand (see earlier about each situation being different) but that doesnt mean you cannot have empathy for your fellow sister or brother step.
I truly hope your "situation" will be positive for you.
You are part of the club. No matter if you love the sk's, hate them, dont see them, they live with you, their kids, babies, or adults, etc.. No matter if they are angels, or satan's spawn, special needs, gifted, etc... No matter the situation, we as steps ALL have something to contribute to our club. It doesnt mean you have to listen, should follow the advice, etc... it just means respect the fellow member. They might not be in the same boat, but they are in the same lake without paddles!

StepToBe1127's picture

This was an excellent post.

It is hard for me to want to see a future where FSS doesnt love his dad.

Any time BM has given us drama, BF confronts her about it. And she hasnt tried to turn him against me or us. And I know it CAN happen. her issues are personal ones. her issues that affect her son are her losing custody and her drinking. We ALWAYS make sure he gets to see her a lot. We drive him over there, we pick him up. Hes a smart kid and he sees that his dad does all this for him.

I have also overheard him on the phone with his mom. She asks him what he did that day and he'll say I took him to the park and she will reply with, "Thats awesome! I hope you guys had a really good time."

She does know that she is screwing him up with HER issues, but both parents and I make sure that nobody is bad mouthing the other to him. And sure, she could be doing it behind our back, but she's a church going born again christian, she has admitted to bf that she has made a lot of mistakes, and both bf and I have told her she has our support in getting better.

See for us, its not about having one more reason to take her kid away from her. We KNOW the damage that his mom not being in his life will do.

For us, it's about keeping him safe yet allowing him to maintain a relationship with his mother. So far, she has been appreciative of this.

emotionaly beat up's picture

So if all is so good in your world, why are you here. Oh, that's right to vent about BM. Why, arent' you and SO a team. Can't the two of you just bond a bit more and work it out.

Look, I agree sometimes the language on this site used to describe young children in particular is way out of line. But before you pass judgement on people you have to have walked in their shoes. You have a right if you wish to say you disagree with a poster saying something you disagree with, you do not have a right to pass judgement. You come across as being very young, very inexperienced and very arrogant. Now I do not know if that is true, but to me that is how you are coming across. To suggest that SM just bond a bit more with SK and the world will be made of cotton candy.....well please, you have no idea of how much so many SM's have tried, sacrificed, worked towards and wanted a relationship with their SK. Sometimes all you can really do is accept that SK would prefer to stick forks in their eyes than look at you, and step back. You do not however have to accept their abuse, physicall, verbal or emotional, and some of us have decided just that. Now, to be fair to you I beleive we have the problems we have because our DH's do not support us, they put their kids first, (just as your SO did when he first dated you and made it clear he was not interested in dating someone who was not interested in his kid), when the kids are put up on a pedestal, when all sorts of excuses are made for their poor behviour, ie: BM is crazy, BM makes them do this, say that, poor kid has gone through a divorce, whatever, when the excuses start and the child is exhaunerated from all blame, then the problems set in.

Sorry, but I can see you eating your words one day, and you will regret putting them in writing because you cannot say....you did't say it.

This site is meant to be a support for steparents, not a place where someone other than the sk's get to pass judgement on your poor parenting skills. By the way, we all know parenting is a team work thing, and more often than not it is the steparent who is doing all the parenting while the bio gets to play good guy. Our life is not yours, our partners are not yours, our step kids are not yours, I have 3, 30, 34 and 36, trust me, one little 7 year old would seem like paradise, hang on tight because your 7 year old with the crazy BM will be 17 one day and the same crazy bm will still be around. Little kids little problems, big kids bigger problems, one day you will understand this.

StepToBe1127's picture

hey I already admitted I worded it wrong.

I do not have a lot of experience with being a step parent.

I now know that a lot of you have it a LOT harder than I feel I ever will. I still think it's something that should continue to be worked on instead of just throwing hands up and saying, "We'll coexist but I am done trying."

People being "done trying" is what kids with split up parents are used to. its just feeding into their belief that you give up when something gets tough. I would never be able to give up, no matter how emotionally draining it became.

BM may be crazy, but her crazy is her personal crazy. It effects us because it effects FSS, but she is not actively trying to pin him against us. And who knows, maybe one day she will. I know that bf would not stand for that though. His entire family had a part in raising that boy. He helped raise his sisters son and she helped raise fss. Hes got a lot of support on his end, and he is a wonderful father. he is not a guilty daddy or anything like that. They did not have a long relationship, they were not married. BM purposely got preggo to try to get him to stick around.

Like I said before, I hope that those of you struggling with your skids eventually get to a better place. I am not saying the burdon is completely on you. But a lot of SMs have admitted their husband doesnt know they dislike their sk. Im just saying, if I was walking in their shoes, I strongly feel as if I would never stop trying. if nothing else, the kids might respect you more in the future when they realize the error of their ways.

But, I dont know you. I dont know your skids. I could be wrong. I STILL think a lot of the words used towards these kids is just downright terrible though.

beyond pissed-off's picture

Your "bf would not stand for" BM pitting the child against you two? :jawdrop: You think he actually has a CHOICE in that????? Seriously. You think he can control what she says to her child and how she manipulates him? Exactly how do you think he will prevent it because if you have a solution I think just about ALL of us here would love to hear it.....

Vichychoisse's picture

"People being "done trying" is what kids with split up parents are used to. its just feeding into their belief that you give up when something gets tough. I would never be able to give up, no matter how emotionally draining it became."

You've said yourself in other posts that you would leave if certain situations arose, like your BF not backing you up or allowing crap from the kid. So which is it?

You're saying you have a tolerance level, just like the rest of us. Some of the women here have taken a SHITLOAD of crap from their skids despite their best efforts, and they HAVE NOT given up on their marriages. Some have given up on their marriages, but have to stay because of circumstance. Some have not given up on their skids either.... but all come here to vent in ways that help them.

I think the expectation that we have from this site is that we will not be judged for how we feel about these kids. We come here anonymously because we KNOW that what we say can be construed as wrong, cruel, and stepmonsterish - but that does not stop the feelings or the need to express them. Sure, people will call you on bullshit and sometimes question your motives or behavior here, and that is good, but we expect that we can generally let our tops blow without reprimand. At least for me, this is stuff that I could not say to the skids, my SO, my family, even most of my friends... but I can say it here because this place is full of women and men who have BEEN THERE, felt like me and somehow survived.

For the record I don't hate my skids, my SO is extremely supportive and the BM is not crazy. And still, I need to let off steam, because it's STILL very difficult.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Some of the wording used in relation to SK appalling I do not disagree with that at all, and I have been the first to post that I do not like the name calling, but I understand the frustration behind it. Just to give you brief history as to why you cannot make sweeping statements about people on this site. My husband was estranged from his children when we got together. He told me how wonderful they were, yeah right, they were wonderfully entitled to anything and everything. I did everything possible to gently encourage him to have a realtionship with his kids, then one day the eldest then 20 contacted him, why, because she loved and missed daddy, no because she wanted a new car. Now I'll skip all the bits, but we helped her with her brand new car, but she never forgave us for not buying it for her outright. Whilst he had not seen them and during the time we were together we picked up the tab for her last two years at uni, he had already picked up the first two, so her university education was free of charge for her, no student loans. During the entire time she was at uni, we paid her cell phone bill. When DH got prostate cancer and needed surgery, lost his job and was off work for 7 months we saw SD once, when he lost his job, she came around and asked if he had been given a payout, he said yes, and she said, good, now you can buy me a boat, I have always wanted a boat. Oh, yes she phoned him up once a month, but that was only to keep tabs on her financial plan. Once he started working again, she came visiting daddy again. She has been very open in saying she would like to see her father and I dead, and that she will get our house and all our possessions when we die. Now I have 3 kids too, but obviously, they mean as little to her as I do, none of us exist. Everything is hers when we die. Skipping all the drama she caused despite my bending over backwards, making sure I wasn't intrusive while she was coming back into DH's life, she never spoke to me, she made me feel unwelcome in my own home and made horrible comments about me in front of me. This finished up 8 years of living hell later by her having a child (she is now 30), and telling her father if he wants to see the child he has to leave me. I did nothing to this girl or her brothers, except help then out whenever they wanted anything, including cleaning her new house, because she didn't know how to, helping get her morgage because she and the fiance couldn't do it, anyway a million and one things that I cannot be bothered re-hashing. I did not deserve this, and yes I have given up, only an idiot would stay in a situation where they are being abused, and the problem with my SD is that she has abused everyone in the family for so long that it is as if they have all become victims of domestic violence, they are now too scared to leave, to cut her out of their lives, even the fiance is afraid to leave and I know this because he has come to me privately in tears over her behaviour. So, you see my SD has severe problems, ones that I cannot fix, and ones that she doesn't want to fix, do you suggest that I keep someone who wants me dead around me, because I assure you, this is not just talk or showing off on her part, she wants me and her father dead.

This is his child, it is very hard for him because no matter what she is his daughter, but once again they are estranged and she used her newborn to do it. I am the mother of 3 children and the grandmother of 4, do you suggest I try harder and take a chance with my life so that my family get left without a mother and grandmother, trust me when you have children of your own and find yourself in this type of situation, if you do not "Give Up" you would be a fool, because your children need their mother and your SK who hates your guts should not be given priority over them.

It is not wise to say how you will do things in the future, because none of can see what the future holds. As a stepmother even of adults I loved my husband dearly and wanted him to be happy, I wanted all the kids to be in our lives and we even kept the two lots of kids apart to make HIS kids happy, but nothing we did would make this girl happy. Now she cannot come here anymore and DH did not leave me for her baby, she will not allow her brothers to contact their father and the oldest boy has a newborn as well so my DK does not see that child either. None of this is due to my failure to try and bond a bit better.

This is just my story, there are a million others out there just like me, there are a million others out there who have tried and there are a millions of us who have been rejected. But if you think that if you try long enough and hard enough all will be well, I an assure you, that in a perfect world would be right, however this is far from a perfect world. You cannot make people like you if they do not, and if SK' have made up their mind to hate you till you're dead, then there is really no to much you can do about it, and trying till they put you in a grave doesn't really give you much of a life does it. I am 60 now, if you think that I am going to keep this hatred around me for the rest of my life, you are seriously mistaken. I have what 20 - 25 maybe if I am lucky 30 more summers, life is far to short to waste trying with people who don't want to try. My SD will never "realise the error her ways" and respect me as you suggest, because she firmly believes she is right. I am standing between her and dad's wallet and she hates me for it, end of story. Nothing and no one will convince her otherwise. I honestly hope things stay as they are for you, I hope that as your SS grows his love for you will grow, but if it does not, if he goes off the rails and you have bio kids that are being affected by his behaviour, if he becomes threatening and violent towards you and them, are you going to protect them or just try harder with him. Look sorry I am not trying to be mean to you, but you just don't have enough experience in this to be judging others and no matter how you word it, that is how you come across. Even the comment you would never stop trying is
implying that somehow the rest of us have failed. It is judgemental and we have all been throug enough.

StepToBe1127's picture

Thank you Smile

I have a niece who is turning 2 next month. The love I have for her, my flesh and blood, is obviously a different kind of love than I do for fss.

But, at the same time, I know that fss deserves me to love him the best way I can. And I love him AS IF he were my own. Not saying as much as I will my own. But my love for him is not tainted by the fact I did not give birth to him. I care about him in the same way I care about my niece. When he is about to fall down and get hurt, I have the same instincts to jump up and grab him as I do my niece.

I think it very possible to love a step child pretty close to as much as your own kid. Not the same kind of love, like I said. But by the time I have my own kid, fss will be in my life for years. We will have strengthened our bond moreso than it is right now. And thats something my future bio kid will never be able to take away. FSS will have memories of when it was JUST me and him and his dad.

3Libras06's picture

I love my SS, I knew he would come along with my SO. Things become SO frustrating when he comes back from BM's house with an attitude and all kinds of emotions.

Anonymous_stepmom's picture

I've been reading this for a few days, I guess I don't know what to say really. I just keep thinking "Walk a mile in her shoes". I care about my skids very much and I know that at least some of their behavior is due to how they have been parented by SO and BM, however it does not change the fact they are obnoxious, liars, disruptive, destructive and are violent/abusive to my children and animals. I'm sorry, I've put up with sooooooooo much over the years and when SS8 punched my not yet 1 year old in the face for no reason and left a mark and acted like it was no big deal and showed no remorse for his actions that was it. The child is no longer allowed in my home at least until his behavior changes, he's threatening to kill people at school, like chop their heads off, stab them to death, rip out their guts, threw scissors at his teacher and pretended to shoot her with a gun made out of lego, it's just out of control, yes they are being seen by a doctor but it seems like it's taking forever to get to the bottom of it all. Even CPS has advised me NOT to allow them in my home or around my children until they have been seen, issues have been addressed and they show improvement. If I do and something horrible happens to one of my children because of the skids I could find myself under investigation for putting my children in an unsafe situation. It's tiring and yes sometimes I feel like I care about their well being more then either of their parents but it's really not my place, I've been told many times, you married him NOT his kids, and that they are not my responsibility when they have two able bodied parents. Or I've heard the "You know what you were getting yourself into" No, actually I did not. His children were a handful back then but they weren't unbearable, their behavior has progressively gotten worse over the years and I'm just at the end of my ropes. SO understands and agree's with me actually with a lot of what I feel when it comes to his kids and he is just as frustrated.

I've seen some nasty language use directed at some skids on here, I chalk it up to those people feeling as I do, and basically just venting off their frustrations, I do not call skids any names on here other then the use of "gremlins" because really that's the way they act and actually SO was the one that came up with that name generally for his daughter in the first place because she is obnoxious, quite annoying at times and never stops, she goes and goes, bouncing off the walls, she has carried on crying for more then 12 hours before for absolutely nothing, it's terrible at bed time trying to get her to go to sleep and when she does eventually fall asleep she is only asleep for a few short hours before she wakes at the break of dawn, sometimes before (as early as 4am before) and trashes my house and get's into EVERYTHING. I've maybe used the word brat before too, can't remember, but hey, any kid can be a brat! Even mine at times! lol

But yeah, like others said, the love for your own child is a world different then any other child that is not your own, you will know and feel this the first time you hold your own flesh and blood. It's just so different. You will understand when you have your own.

I so wish I had the life of someone who has such a well behaved skid.

Whateva's picture

It is Grand that you love your SS and your situation has worked out for YOU! That does not give you any right to assume that some who are not enamored with their Skids are the bizarre ones. You have absolutely no idea what goes on in other households where the skids are GOD awful little needy, whiney, vindictive brats and some have turned into needy, whiney, vindictive ADULT BRATS. Don’t judge and here is a news flash...it is possible to love a man and not feel any connection to his children he has had with another woman and it is equally possible for said children to act like shit to anyone their Daddy is dating or married to....I personally don't feel the need to kiss ass or love anyone on command.

Fierce stepmom's picture

I met my now husband's daughter when she was seven. We hit it off instantly. Yes, there were many issues and hard patches, with her, her mom, and her father, probably me too. She is thirteen now, and we love each other fiercely. I am not her mom, but she is my little one. How many of you bio moms have a thirteen year old who actually wants to be around you? I do. Good luck, steptobe. It will be hard work, but you are not the only one.