Am I handling this in the best manner?
SD hasn't lived with us for about 8 months. She has severe RAD (an attachment disorder) and her living with us was damaging the rest of the family (and the toddlers were in danger of being harmed-she consistently hurt them). She absolutely hates me...I am very strict and her dad is not so I looked like an evil SM when I really just care and was raising her like my own (for 8 yrs after her mom abandoned her at 5). I am strict with my little ones as well.
Anyways, on Easter, when we left my inlaws' house (where SD is living now), she gave DH a big hug bye and told him she loves him and then ran in the house so she wouldn't have to hug me or even tell me bye. She always does this on the rare instances when I see her. It actually makes me happy because SD has really hurt me and I am repulsed by her...do NOT want her to touch me, but it also makes me sad and hurts me a little bit more each time she does it...it is bitter sweet.
Am I wrong to not try to hug her even though I REALLY do not want to (and she obviously doesn't want me to)? Is it wrong that DH and my inlaws allow her to do that?
A RAD symptom is hating your mother. In SD's case, she hates me instead of her mother because I am the one that raised her from 5-13. She blames her mom's absence on me and thinks I am the root cause of all of her problems. It is easier to hate me than to accept her mom wants nothing to do with her. She pushed me away to the point that I now want nothing to do with her, as well. I sometimes feel I should try harder to be a mother figure to her...but I did try...HARD for 8 years. Time to give up but I still have doubts that I am handling things in the best way. I know "this" way is best for my mental health and for my bios, but it may not be best for SD.
You are handling it
You are handling it perfectly. Sorry you have to go through it. I understand your feelings though. As long as you let her know you will be there for her if she needs, you are fine. You have let her know this by your actions in raising her the past 8 years. If she gets it all figured out you will be there.
For the time being, your doing great!!
Thanks, silentnites, you have
Thanks, silentnites, you have no idea how much your words mean to me! This made my day
Thanks, AnaR. I have done
Thanks, AnaR. I have done tons of research on RAD so I could parent SD in a an effective manner to promote growth and healing. DH was not very supportive. He said he was and he would temporarily follow our therapeutic parenting plan...but within a couple weeks SD would see it was "my" plan and not her father's plan. And since RADs need structure and a strict environment...she saw me as a kill joy and resented me...that is where some of her hate for me stems from! I was also the only one scheduling therapy and pushing for it. When I gave up (on DH) and turned it all over to DH, he did NOTHING to help her. No more counseling...
And hence one of the many reasons SD is no longer living with us...I cannot help her on my own and DH was only making matters worse.
But that is a very informative article
It sounds like you and your
It sounds like you and your family are much better off without SD around anyway. I wouldn't push the issue. You don't want her to start coming around and hurting your children again.