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Am I going crazy?

sunnshine1723's picture

Lately I've been so unhappy when I should be at my happiest. I've only been married for 1 1/2 years. Although we have been together 4 1/2 years. I thought I knew what I was getting into. I'm not new to paranting, I have 2 daughters (21 & 26), great kids. I even have 3 grandson's, again good kids. My husband has 2 son's that live with us (5 & 10). The 5 year old is great (raised him from 1 year). He gets into trouble but normal. The 10 year old is a nightmare (raised him from 6 years old). I knew he had problems but they are escalating with age and it scares the hell out of me. If I tell him to do something and he doesn't want to he will go to dad and he will get his way. Example: The other day I had him read to his brother as he needs to learn to read and little brother needs someone to read to him for school book reports (getting 2 things done at once). All of a sudden 5 year old starts yelling that 10 year old didn't read the whole book. I didn't take the 5 year olds word I checked into it. There were 39 pages to read and he finished faster than I could read it, so no I beleive he didn't read it all. I pulled up a chair and was going to sit and listen to the story myself. 10 year old looks at dad and dad says "you're going to make him read it again, no I don't think so". Even if I made him read the book 4 times, it would not hurt him, only help him to read. His principal called me the other day and asked me to look up Reactive Attachment Disorder. I did and it really scares the hell out of me but yes that is him. I don't know what to do as he will be the end of our marrage.

This boy is very manipulative and lies like nobodies business. He has no friends at all and only thinks about himself. This is his world and we are only here to serve him. This is a little of what I found on children with this disorder.

**"Unattached children . . . have an uncanny ability to appear attractive, bright, loving . . . helpless, hopeless, lost . . . or promising, creative, and intelligent, as may suit their needs at the time. Therefore, strangers, helpful neighbors, even therapists, often see the parents as the problem and believe the winsome child is 'beautiful'

**All to often these individuals grow up untreated and become sociopaths without conscience and without concern for anyone but themselves. This condition was made popular by the recent academy award winning movie "Good Will Hunting." But unlike the movie, the hero, or heroine rarely drives off into the sunset to have a happy ever after life. More realistically, parental dreams are lost, and they grow up uncaring and without social conscience.

He definetly has no remorse for anything he does to people. I'm scared and don't know what to do as I love my husband and his 5 year old son (I see as my son).

Can anyone help. I will listen to any suggestions.

happy's picture

where is the bio mom?
1st thing is first your husband who thinks he is helping this kid is nuts. not to be mean. if the principle called you and told you to look that up that means that there is a major problem and that it is not just you seeing this. I would take him and get him help.
Scary thing is what if he grows up to be that and has no conscience. People who have no conscience end up killing people because they do not feel anything. Oh dear I worry for you. DAD needs to look deeper at his son instead of babying him. he has no friends that is weird. I know girls are diff but I have a 10 year old girl and she is a social butterfly...
i think you should talk to the school and then have them contact dad directly so its not you telling him it is them..

sunnshine1723's picture

The bio mom is around but has had a brain anerisum and has a gardian herself. As I hear it she was not like a normal mom. Story - when he was 2 or 3 he broke one of her necklaces, so she stomp and crushed his favorit car. At 4 bio mom and dad were divorcing, she ended up in the hospital on court date. It took dad 2 1/2 years after that to get a court to divorce them as she is now incapable of makeing desitions herself. Now after all this time she is sooooo much better. Her and her sister come get the boys once in awhile, when it's convenient for them. I had them take them over Labor day weekend as I went out of town. 10 year old was so bad I don't think they will be back anytime soon. The story I heard was 10 year old went to the bathroom (poop), wiped his butt then brought the poop paper and put it in 85 year old grandma's face. I have many stories like this that I have experianced myself. One day I heard the 2 boy in their bedroom and the door was closed (they aren't to close the doors except the bathroom). I knew something was up so I went in. I was so discusted at what I saw. 5 year old had pants down and 10 year old had is bare foot under him on the floor. The explanation was 10 year old wanted 5 year old to poop on his foot so 10 year old could taste it (sick). On a different day they were not making noise so again I went to look. Their bathroom door was open, 10 year old had head in toilet. Explanation, 10 year old wanted to know what it tasted like because dog does it. A few weeks ago I had my 13 year old niece over for the night. I give her, her own room but it is also the boy's toy room. We were all sitting in the computer room when the 5 year old went into the toy room and we heard - that's nasty sniffing her panties. Again I was discussed.

Yes I am scared to death. I've discused my fears with husband. I told him that I fear when 10 year old gets bigger than me he will hit me and hurt me. He brushed it off like I was crazy. I also told him that my fear is also that he will get mad at me one day, call the police and say I hurt him in some form or another. Husband said you mean abuse or sexual abuse. I said I don't know but he is such a lier and convincingly. Husband said this discusion is over.

10 year old does see a crazy doctor, in which has diagnosed him as Bi-polar and ADHD. I don't know what to do but I do see my marrage falling a part. I should have kept to my guns when I said I'd never marry again after my 20 year marrage ended in divorce.

hopeful's picture

The situation is unlikely to change quickly. You need to find a way to take care of you and to cope with the situation whether you decide to stay or go. It isn't easy but will it be worth it in a few years...only you can decide. Some days I wonder this as well...it is so darn much work. I have always believed that something that is good for you brings out the best in you. Step parenting makes me doubt all of this because it definitely leaves me feeling a bit frustrated, uncertain and on edge a LOT!

I can empathize with your despair...I could not cope in the same household and bought my own place. It wasn't the best solution for my marriage but it kept me from going nuts....that was probably a pretty good pay off!

sunnshine1723's picture

You say you bought your own place. How is that working? I'm asking because the house we live in now is mine. We are in the process of building a new one and the plan was to sell mine. I've been seriously thinking about just renting it so I will at the least feel I have a fall back plan.

This step parenting stuff is a lot harder than when I was married to a drunk for 20 years. I hope I'm strong enough to handle it, but my hopes are low.

hopeful's picture

I read your posting a couple of times and did some reading on my own as well. As an experienced paediatric health care provider and someone who works with children with special needs, you have a BIG problem on your hands. These are not minor issues and someone needs to address this and soon.

If nobody else wants to take this seriously, you have to decide how much you value you and your family and future to sacrifice everything for this little boy, perhaps to no avail. Think long and hard about this....this is your life and your future.

In one of your postings you said that life with a drunk for 20 years was better than this. I lived with an alcoholic for the last 4 years of my first marriage so I can relate somewhat to the profound nature of this statement. If that is truly how you view your life now, I think you have already answered your own question about what to do? Take care and be safe!

sunnshine1723's picture

I'm glad to see someone that works with children is on here reading all this, it helps a lot. I have tried to help this boy but doing it by myself is very hard. 3 years ago I started taking him to a child psychiatrist. There was only one that would accept a new child. We started go to him and continued for a long time. One day after going to him I just refused to go back and sit in his waiting room for 4 or 5 hours just to be seen for 20 min. He really didn't seem to listen just pushed pills like crazy (try this one, well this didn't work so try this one). He now goes to a regular psychiatrist that I like but as he says he doesn't specialize in children. I'm really tired of doing all this alone and driving an hour (one way) to take him. Nothing seems to be working, only getting worse as he gets older. I greatly appreciate all the input everyone is giving me. Husband acts more like SD instead of bio-dad. I would love it if this kid was a happy kid but he is not.

Thank you again and any help you can provide I will listen.

lovin-life's picture

That puts things in perpective doesn't it! I say keep your own house... you may want to check out the laws in your state regarding marital property etc...and have your affairs/paperwork in order. If you going to have a back up plan ..make it air tight!! Your in a very difficult position...I'm not sure what to tell you..I hope it works out OK for you..but I honestly don't think I could take what your going through. I'm just starting the counselling thing to help dig through my/our crap...so I'll find out where I/we sit and if things can be resolved. It may be an option for you guys as well..

I'm with ya!! Smile

sunnshine1723's picture

I do have a refuge - WORK. Sometimes I'd rather be at work then at home. My work is very relaxed, I have a great boss that understands and having my own office really helps. Like right now I'm at work and my computer is not monitored. I get my work done so my boss doesn't care what I do. I hope your counselling goes well. Keep me in touch, I'd like to know how all that works.

smof3's picture

Wow! that is quite a story, I am no doctor but I would say that that child has been sexually abused previously. I would run like hell than have to deal with that for the rest of my life. Keep your house or at least a portion of the monies from the sale of it so you can get out when you need to. It also sounds like your husband is in total denial that his son is ill. Husband will grow to resent you(if not already) as you show him the truth which he does not want to see.
The best of luck to you .

kimberly's picture

I have tried to become a member for the last week with no sucess. For whatever reason I am not able to recieve a password on my yahoo account. I need some advise regarding this situation. The only way I can post this is to link to someone else's topic.

My BF will be having a baby today sometime, with a girl he never had a relationship with...(long story) Before we met he worked with this girl, they ended up at the same party, he slept with her and she became pregnant. I started dating him shortly after. The pregnacy is something he has not kept from me, I knew from the begining she was expecting. They never had a relationship.... nor will they. She is under the impression that as soon as she has they baby..... he will suddenly want to be with her. Yesterday she went to the hospital (for the third time) for her high blood pressure. So of course BF mom calls and he rushes up there cause he needs to calm her down, for her to only go home to BF mom's house cause she is so upset that she doesn't wanna go home. BF left her there at momma's house came home to me... She stayed for about a hour and she went home to her mom's. ( go figure....I guess she thought he would stay there with her....She was planning on staying the night there.... nope)
See the thing is her sister had a baby 1 month and 3 days ago.... Well the story I was told was her and the husband put the baby to sleep, and they started drinking.... well the Sunday morning the sister went to check on her baby to feed, and the baby was not breathing. This is the second time in 2 yrs..... Don't babies wakeup every two to three hours when they are this small? I am really worried about BF baby's momma being alone with his child....(She has already been askin BF mom how soon can she watch the baby so she can go out) Now I realize that was her sister... but the first time the sister was living in the same house with the same people as she is now. Well she has now been at the hospital since Monday ..... I am ready for her to have the baby so he can have the paternity test and start the process for the custody battle. I am being a B*#ch? I am very sorry for her sister's loss, but come on 2 babies, 2 yrs???? Bad track record.... From what the BF says.... the family is a little off (I mean alot off)in the head. We are all very concerned for the saftey of the new baby. Any suggestion with how to deal with this anxiety???
I have been stressing about her having this child. My mind goes wild everytime he talks to her, or see's her. I know he has no interest in being with her... but it still bothers me. I don't plan on going anywhere, I will be here for him, his child and our future children to come... Hopefully someone will have advise, so I can quit stressing.
Thanks for everything,
Kimberly