Am I being unreasonable?
Need some advice. I’m feeling like I am the bottom of my DH priorities. We've being married for two years. I have two bio daughters DD11 and DD9. He has two kids SS12 and SS10. He’s a complete Disney Dad and carries a lot of guilt for not being with his kids 24/7. I really try and support this but lately I feel as though I’m getting walked all over. My daughters go to their dads every Thursday and Friday but EOW they spend the full weekend with him. We have the skids every single weekend. Friday night until Monday morning. I’m (mostly) ok with this, at least I wouldn’t make a fuss and I often do my own thing at the weekend. It would be nice to have the odd weekend for ourselves as we both work all week but I accept it. He will also have them extra nights ad hoc. I'm never consulted about this, they just turn up. Last week the skids came for two extra nights. There was no consideration or consultation again, just 'I’m picking them up'. I let it go because we didn’t have anything planned but this Thursday I planned a night with my DH. I made him a nice meal and got in wine etc, got all dressed up and just as I’m putting the meal in the oven he tells me his kids want to come round and he’s going to collect them. They weren’t upset or distressed and they were due to come round the next day anyway. I was dumbfounded and it obviously showed on my face and he acted like I shouldn’t be upset. I’d been planning our night for a week. We have hardly any time together as it is and recently we haven’t done anything together. I’m just so upset about it. I feel as though my feelings don’t count. That I’m just swept to the side whenever his kids or ex want anything. I’d appreciate anyone’s opinion on this please. Does it get better or is this it for me? The lesser second wife? Thanks
This would drive me batty.
This would drive me batty. Things will never, ever get better if you continue biting your tongue and going along with it. You need to sit down and tell your husband how his refusal to communicate with you about when/if his kids are coming is driving a wedge in your marriage. And if his response is to be angry with you for voicing your needs, then you should save yourself years and years of heartache and just end it now.
Any man who turns down sexy
Any man who turns down sexy time with his wife because his kids want to come over for no good reason has his priorities seriously screwed up.
Sounds like he has them around 50% of the time, the same amount that you have your kids. You parent yours, why are you giving him a pass because of his so-called "guilt"?
Stand up for yourself and your needs, and for the need for him to parent his kids adequately. Every weekend is a ridiculous schedule.
It drives me mad really. I
It drives me mad really. I can't understand why BM doesn't want them for any weekends. I once asked DH whether he could have the skids in the week the odd time so we could have a weekend to ourselves and you should have seen his face! He said he was shocked I'd even ask that and that he wants to see his kids as much as possible. Another thing is that he gets so defensive when it comes to them, he often treats me like the enemy to his little bubble. I'm not sure where I fit anymore if I'm honest even though I love him so much. He's a good guy but I don't think I want to live like this
If he's "shocked" that his
If he's "shocked" that his wife would like some alone time with her husband, he has no business being married.
If he was a good husband, he
If he was a good husband, he'd care about your needs and feelings and want to hear your concerns, even if they upset him. As it stands, he only cares about his own needs.
You are a mmeber of the same
You are a mmeber of the same household and your opinion counts. He doesn't get to just go and pick up his kids without running it past you first - that doesn't mean he tells you as he's heading out the door.
Besides that, when are you supposed to have date nights? Or does he think you're both too old for that? If so, his head's in his pocket - all couples need date nights and "them" time or they don't last. Does he truly want to find himself alone again?
Your DH had alone time with BM. Before the kids.
He should want alone time with you. It's not your job to be the servant , all the time . With out ant alone time
Someday your husband will be
Someday your husband will be so confused when a milestone anniversary rolls around and you just yawn and go back to sleep and treat it like any other day.
See, this was my life. All my plans and special days got shit on like this.
Recently my husband asked me if I wanted to do anything special for our 20th anniversary.
I gave him a blank look and asked, "Why?"
They don't realize how they destroy any feeling you might have in your heart.
This, coupled with the random narcissistic meltdowns and outbursts over nothing, has ruined all special days and holidays and made them trigger events that I refuse to celebrate by putting any effort into making or planning an event or special dinner.
If mine wants to do anything, it's only so he can say he did and masquerade as a normal human being on social media. Fuck that noise.
My husband used to make executive decisions and tell me evening
before that he was meeting with his 3 kids for lunch and if i wanted to come. They had been planning it since 1-2 weeks prior but never was i considered by hubby for him to ask if we had any plans
he works crazy hours and we had 2 toddlers who got no time with him durig the week, then saturday he leaves 11am and back home 8pm. Our toddlers got no time with daddy and i got no me time. Do you think my husband even bothered to buy takeout lunch or dinner for me knowing full well i had been busy with our kids, doing housework and studying for university?? Of course not!!
come the following day (sunday) hubby has gone to play golf with workmates, comes home late afternoon, showers and falls asleep then again our kids got no time with daddy.
i told my husband very clearly that if he wanted to spend a whole friggin day with kids who never really prioritize or maintain contact with him unless for a favour or pampering, he needed to spend a whole day actively with our kids and that him sleeping while kids watched cartoons or entertained themselves whilst hubby was on the phone didn’t count as quality time.
He was forced to suck it up bigtime. I made it very clear he didn’t get to decide unilaterally our family time on weekends without discussing with me and this doesn’t mean he makes prior plans with his kids and asks me after hoping i’d comply... anything that affects our quality family time hubby needs to discuss with me before planning anything. If he hasn’t made time for us, he doesn’t get to prioritize time with his adult kids or teenager who ignore him over our toddlers who are very active with hubby
Guilt is an irrational choice
Guilt is an irrational choice. It makes for a shitty parent.
Poor Skids.