Am I being selfish? Probably...
I know this probably will sound selfish, but I must get this off my chest. My SO has a 5 y/o son. He has always had a negative relationship with the BM. He and I have discussed the idea of someday having a child together. But in the back of my mind, I worry that his negative experience with his son's mother could possibly cause him to fear having another child and tell me that he doesn't want another.
It is hard to express my feelings, but I also cannot help but feel like if we did have a child together, it wouldn't feel as special to him, since he already has a son. I understand that it would be his first child with me...but I cannot shake this feeling.
How do I even start to overcome this insecurity? I'm nervous that discussing this with my SO would cause him to be offended. In no way am I saying that he would love his next child any less than he loves his son. I just worry that the excitement that you have when you become a parent would not fully be there for him. Like the doctor's appointments and the birth and the baby's firsts would not be as exciting bc he has already experienced that before.
Please help!
Personally, I think something
Personally, I think something like having a child needs to be discussed. You may be nervous about bringing up your concerns, but the conversation needs to be had. They are valid concerns so if he is offended, shame on him.
Is having a child (or not) a deal breaker for either of you? If so, it definitely needs to be discussed, sooner rather than later. You both need to know how the other one feels about it.
There are always issues when having a child with someone who already has one. Some of those issues may be minor, some not so minor. It's a chance you take being with someone with a kid.
DH and I let each other know right up front how we felt about kids. I didn't want any and he didn't want any more. Perfect! I was not going to waste my time dating him if he wanted more kids because I already knew that I didn't want any.
And, you are not selfish. There is nothing wrong with wanting it to be a good experience for both of you.
He and I have discussed it in
He and I have discussed it in the past, and it sounds like we both would like to have a child together. He often tells me that I am the exact opposite of his son's mother, which gives me a level of comfort knowing that he can see that I am not like her. However, that conversation was almost 2 years ago. It's probably best to sit down and talk with him to make sure he still feels the same.
I do want a child. I want that experience. I understand I do get the sort of experience that in a way with my SS, but I'd love to experience it from the beginning, if that makes sense.
Of course, it makes sense.
Of course, it makes sense. Having a step child is not the same experience as having your own. Even I know that and I don't have any bios. You are not selfish for wanting that.
I don't think that you're
I don't think that you're being selfish at all! Personally, I have made the decision that I don't want children of my own. However, my SO and I had many discussions about these same issues in the beginning of our relationship and I felt exactly the same way that you do. I think the only thing you can do is sit down and let your SO know what is on your mind.
But I also think it is important to note that couples have more than one child all the time - and the fact that they've experienced it before doesn't make it any less special or make them love any of their children any less. However, I do understand what you are saying about SO's previous relationship changing his perception. I think that is something the two of you are going to have to discuss. It will eat you alive if you don't.
That is true. I honestly did
That is true. I honestly did not think about the fact that a lot of couples have more than one child, as silly as that sounds. I have tried to figure out the right words to use so I could discuss this with him. I'm just nervous he may take my concerns the wrong way.
Having a child is a big big
Having a child is a big big decision. But remember this should be about bringing a child into the world and raising it to be a productive member of society. Please don't get caught up in the drama of the pregnancy like that is the end all and be all. It's not about the doctor appointments, sonograms, etc. Don't let your self imagine some romantic dream pregnancy or you will almost certainly be disappointed.
It's not the pregnancy - it's the BABY. More than one woman has had an abysmal pregnancy (morning sickness, bad husband - even a cheater husband, death in the family) that produced the most wonderful child. And some women do have the "perfect" pregnancy where they feel beautiful and all is bliss. But no way to predict that. I've known women with multiple pregnancies that had totally different experiences.
Don't let yourself get sidetracked by "he's done this before". Each pregnancy and child is unique. But it might be a good idea to discuss with him ahead of time that you do not want to hear references and comparisons to his previous experience.
Thank you! I definitely need
Thank you! I definitely need to discuss this with him, I just need to figure out exactly what I should say.
If we did choose to have a child, I already planned on asking him to avoid referencing BM's experiences. I would want our experience together, to be ours.
We have custody of my 6 year
We have custody of my 6 year old SD and recently had a baby together (8 months old now) and he was wonderful about not comparing, relating, etc. because I told him early on in pregnancy that I wanted this to feel like a first for us, because it WAS a first for us as a couple. He even answered people who asked “is this your first?” with a big YES
Just make sure you express that it’s very important you don’t miss out on the “first baby” experience. But honestly, with a 5 year old, he’s likely forgotten everything by now! I ask my husband things all the time like “when did SD crawl?” or “when did SD sleep through the night?” and he has no idea lol
Hes been so excited because it’s his first baby with someone he actually loves and enjoys parenting with. Chances are it’ll be the same for you because your relationship either strengthens or fails after kids and if you have a step kid, his failed - meaning it wasn’t enjoyable parenting together.
We have become much closer as a couple and as a family after having a baby. He’s a joy to parent with when it’s OUR baby and not his lol because I have all the say now!
Thank you for your response!
Thank you for your response! You made a good point. His son will be 6 y/o in a few months, so it has been quite a bit of time since he experienced a baby. We are in no way trying to have a child right now, but we've been dating for almost 3 years, so the topic has come up a couple of times.
The BM didn't allow him to be a part of certain experiences either - I don't think she allowed SO into the room during the labor/delivery. So some of the experiences would be brand new to him.
He's with you, not her. There
He's with you, not her. There's a reason for that.
Lots of people have more than one kid and claim to love them all equally, although I've always doubted that myself.
I don't know how long you've been in this relationship, but if you're still feeling this insecure, the last thing you should think about is having kids. Give the relationship time to be solid, work out the insecurities, and time to casually discuss how you both feel about kids, stepkids, financial issues, job issues.
This should happen organically throughout your courting. If you've given courting enough time and attention, you will know how he feels about kids and all the other important issues they bring.
Don't rush into something just to end up being another single mom. Everything comes in time, but if you rush it or have the kids before you have a solid relationship, it will be a mess down the pike.
We have been together for
We have been together for close to 3 years. We are not trying to have a child, but the topic has come up a couple of times. He has expressed the want to have another child in the future - but that he also wants to be in better circumstances than he was with BM when they had their son. Which I understand and appreciate. I would not want us to share a child, and then be in the same situation that he is in with his ex.
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from completely! When I first got with my SO, he already had 2 other boys with his ex wife! I ended up getting pregnant with his now third son within only of a month of us being together! And the same exact things ran through my head! I kept hoping and praying that it was a girl so that he would at least be excited at the fact that he now has a daughter. But it wasn't! Now we do have a 4 month daughter but that ia besides the point! I am happy to say that at least I was able to give him his little girl though!
Anyways... it was my first child and now his third and all I kept thinking was he isn't even going to be as excited because he's already been through this...TWICE! But I was wrong! He was just as excited because he was having a child with ME!! I am entirely different from his ex-wife. He missed every doctor's appointment with his first born ( he was working at a state during her entire pregnancy) so he probably would have went but couldn't. He didn't miss not one doctor's appointment with me! Not one! Took every day off that he needed from work to be by my side whenever it came down to our baby!
Now his 2nd born was a oopsie! His ex and him we're always off and on so he wasn't too thrilled to be having another child with her and neither was she, leaving him to not be involved too much with her pregnancy AGAIN! But this time by choice!
Regardless...get those thoughts out of your head! You will drive yourself insane! If he is talking about wanting to have another child with you then that means a lot right there! It is another offspring of his that he would be bringing into this world and with a woman he loves...even though he has another kid doesn't mean for a second that he won't be just as excited to have a baby by you!
Thank you for the response!
Thank you for the response! That is exactly how I feel. He has told me countless times that I am the exact opposite from his ex. He has mentioned that he wants to have another child in the future, and that he would love nothing more than for me to be the mother. But he wants that to happen under better circumstances than what he was experiencing with his ex when their son was born. Which I appreciate and respect.
Like your SO, mine had an off and on relationship with his ex. Their entire relationship was always that way, even before SS was born. Actually, when my SO finally had enough and was going to end the relationship, that was when he found out she was expecting. He stayed and tried to make the family work for his son. Things never improved, and after 2.5 years of on again/off again, they separated.
To hear from him that I am nothing like that, and that he would look forward to having a child with me - that is a wonderful feeling.
I felt the same way and my bf
I felt the same way and my bf never had a great relationship with his ex either. I really wanted having a baby to be new and exciting to me and my partner and want sure it would be special for us since it was his second. He tries so much harder with our daughter because he sees it as a second chance to do it right and he loved doing ultrasounds because I guess BM never invited him so that turned out to be a first. Don't assume and there is no perfect was to bring it up just sit down and talk about it.