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Am I being over Sensitive regarding Vacation time and DH

Stepmomx76's picture

Per the Divorce agreement DH gets the brats two weeks during the summer and gets one week without them for adult vacation. Every year it's the same story.  DH has no problem picking the two weeks with the brats BUT it's ALWAYS a issue picking the non kid vacation with me.  Two years ago it was money issues. Last year DH had leg issues. This year it's Covid 19. 
 

Even just taking a vacation day like Once or twice a month is near impossible with DH. He always has SOME excuse not to use one of his vacation days with me. Short staffed at work, has training, to cold or to hot to do anything. I work at a hospital and need to put my time in one month ahead of time and this is always a problem for DH. He likes to wait till last minute for some reason which I can't do with my job. 
 

Am I being Selfish in expecting a week vacation once a year and a few random days here and there during the summer/fall months?? 
 

The bottom line is DH wants to "save" his vacation time from work in case BM throws him a bone and offers "extra vacation days" with the brats. AND DH feels guilty leaving the brats for a week straight since they ALWAYS put up a crying fit for not seeing daddy for a week. DH never came out and said those exact words but hinted around enough for me to know this is the real reason. 

BumblebeeD's picture

Wow that is completely unfair. I'm pretty sure you'd like to spend time with him as well during the summer and his only focus is the children? They get their time set in stone and you can't even have a vacation with him for a week? What is wrong with him? Do you not matter to him anymore? I just don't understand. The wife is supposed to be happy as well, not just the children. Happy wife, happy life. I mean come on. Have you tried to talk to him about this? This is unacceptable. I would be telling my DH exactly how I feel. Your DH needs to meet you in the middle or something. You shouldn't have to fight for his attention. I'm so sorry you're going through this. 

simifan's picture

Make your own plans. Go on vacation wthout him. Someplace with a lot of singles. Bet he changes his tune. 

shamds's picture

always skid stepbrat free. We usually do 2 trips to my country overseas to spend time with my dad but since we bought a house there, hubby tries to fly out 3 times a year with me and the kids flying to him, covid of course stopped that.

skids never come and especially with ss22 who lived in our marital home, my husband told him that he was regularly flying to us for holidays etc and ss would have to suck it up in his birth country because hubby couldn’t justify bringing him over when he spent the last 5.5 yrs of our marriage reminding hubby i am a stranger, that my kids with hubby are strangers and that ss is incapable of any ounce of affection to his half siblings and shouldn’t be forced to have a relationship with them (despite living in the same home), so my husband was very clear that it was selfish of my husband to bring ss to my country when no one wants to be around that behavior and attitude.

nothing has changed and hubby has a relationship with us and our kids show more affection and attention to my husband than his kids with exwife do so when push comes to shove and hubby has a choice, he’d prioritize ime with us.

skids always have excuses last minute for not attending planned meets and hubby has wasted taking time off and it frustrates him because they are 100% not reliable so he’d rather plan a vacation to us. Just last year he had planned a meet with them, days before they all cancel and hubby vented how he could have come overseas to spend time with us and booked tickets a month before on sale and since then he prioritizes us for trips because he knows we make time for him

Kes's picture

It does sound selfish - have you specifically addressed it with him and asked for reasons?   Some people do not like taking vacations full stop - my brother is like this - he prefers staying home.  But if your DH can do it with the SKIDs why not you? Spending chunks of quality time together is part of the contract when you are in a LTR, if you ask me. Not being willing to do that is like refusing your partner sex. 

MissK03's picture

I totally understand this. It has been over two years now of skids being with us full time. They have only spent Xmas eve 2018,2019 at BMs. I don't even consider those child free nights because we drop them at 10pm at her house and they are back at 10am. I'm usually up till 12/1am wrapping. 

We have spent 1 night away in over two years and that was in November for friends birthday at a casino in my state. 

I have explained to my SO that we need to start doing things for us! The skids are older now, his parents live next door, his best friend lives a house down. They would be fine alone for a night! We have two dogs too which adds to  it. 
 

He will not put any pressure on BM to possibly take the skids for a night or two. She would do it I think but, he doesn't want to ask for favors from her. 
 

Now, what you have been doing for the past month and half is helping a lot. Him and I have become more active. Going hiking alone, bike riding, or i roller blade.  Everyday when I get home for work we do a quick (I call it a b&b.. bike or blade) just for half hour to do something. Our days off you have been doing long bike rides. 20 miles last week! I feel better about myself so does he.. it's something we are doing together. Not necessarily relaxing time or vacation but, I feel it's something for us that's not skid related. 
 

Not sure of your situation if you can do something like that but it's a start for us and have our "alone" time. 

Rags's picture

No, DH cannot sacrifice time with you for the remote possibly of being thrown a "what if" bone by BM.  It is far better to force BM to step up and parent than it is to stand around hat in hand in the event she might give DH more time with his kids.

I would figure out how to package this message for DH and make sure he has clarity.

smh

Misstepped's picture

I felt the need to comment here and let you know you are not alone! What you are saying is EXACTLY how it is with my DH. 

We have them every wknd, and then if I beg for a holiday or just one night away he says "what about the kids, they would love to go to the theme park there" and I have to argue that we never get adult time because every wknd we are out entertaining his kids while he plays Disney dad. He jumps at any opportunity to go away with the skids, and it's all about them while I follow them around and get ignored. So we made a deal we would have two holidays, one for adults. What do you know - every year it's the kids holiday he jumps at the chance to book, and then when I ask for ours I am told we spent enough on the trip with the kids. Or worse "the kids would live to go there too" Or "why do you want to go away, I just took you and the kids away." Little does he know SPs don't actually enjoy holidays with someone else's kids. We just go because we have to. 

It sucks to feel like you constantly come last the skids. On anniversary's these guys refuse to take one night off to go to dinner. On your birthday he has his kids instead of attending your bday party for one night of the year. And if you do get a trip away without skids - all he says the whole time is "oh it would be nice to bring the kids here wouldn't it" for every minute of every day. My sarcastic response "oh yeah it's my dream" When you give birth for the first time (as I did) these guys run back to their skids rather than stay in the hospital with you, even after a c section when you can't get out of bed. When the baby comes home and DH has time off, he makes sure the skids get to come and stay for 2 weeks instead of just the wknd because "if I'm going to have time off work I'm going to spend it with my kids" 

yep that last one I went mental. This was a time for me to settle in with our new baby, not for him to entertain his kids. In the end he didn't have them, but he also decided to go to work instead. I was heartbroken. This wasn't about his kids. Me and bubs were denied the same time he gave his ex when she gave birth. He always stayed at this hospital, even when the second was born, they had their eldest with grandparents for 3 nights. But when it comes to us, he simply couldn't let them spend one night with the grandparents. 
 

Ive gone off topic but the point is holidays or no holidays, we are not priorities in any part of these mens life. If I didn't have a baby I would have left. I wish I knew how this life would be.