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Always a battle on weekends

smokeyquartz's picture

Hi everyone,

I am new here but have looked over the forums here over the last few months to check in with how other people deal with issues. I just don't know what and if I should do anymore.. I am getting married to my partner at the end of this year and he already has children. The youngest is 8 and comes to our place every second weekend and hald of school holidays. I can't remember a single time that BM hasn't changed the plans or cancelled on us with very little or no warning and she is always late (we meet half way). She has a baby and doesnt seem to handle life that well and we always try to be patient and understanding with it. My partner has put his foot down when it has been for big events such as taking her to see grandparents and the plane is leaving so we cant be flexible with a time change but usually it results in us picking her up the next day or leaving earlier/later than planned.

Anyway, today a mutually friend of ours on facebook sent my a rant she put up about my partner. The language was terrible and she has created a facebook profile for SD8 so she would be able to see it if she went on there. So that is upsetting. It is also upsetting as she said my partner stuffed her around for the last and didn't show to pick up his daughter and she hopes he just goes to afganistan soon and doesnt come back. He has been deployed for 6 months and comes back in two days. He even has in writing that they were meant to meet this coming Wednesday, not the Wednesday she has thought it was. So she has driven there and waited and he hasn't shown. She has my number though, she could have called even to see what happened but she did none of that. She mixed up dates. And now I can only imagine how upset SD8 would have been waiting in the car for her daddy that never showed....

Have people gone through similar things? What should I do, and is there anything I can do? I think I just need a bit of support. Such bad timing when I have been waiting 6 months to see my partner and now I just feel like all the drama is going to start again..... Sad

GillyWilly's picture

I feel your pain as I was involved with a man years ago who had an ex that used to spread rumours about him (and sometimes me), & go out of her way to make him look bad in front of the kids. She would also change plans for the sake of it.

Our whole relationship involved talking about this silly cow. There isn't much you can do about the rumours, anyone intelligent will understand that there's always 2 sides to the story and it's usually the people whinging who are in the wrong. Try not to worry about what people think & hold your head up high Smile

Our relationship didn't last but the problems were nothing to do with his ex. I really don't have any advice for you other than to try and focus on something else.

smokeyquartz's picture

Thank you so much for replying Smile I just feel so alone in this right now and the timing has just been so bad.. You are right about people knowing their are two sides to the story - I'll focus on him coming home on Sunday and leave the drama for later in the week! Sorry you had the same kind of thing happen, but it does help knowing you are not alone in these things...

anafiodorova's picture

From my experience- the BM used to change plans all the time. When his daughter was 9 we will sit and wait at the kitchen table for her to call when he can pick up his daughter. It was back and forth and he never knew till the last moment. We will sit and wait in suspense at the kitchen table on Christmas day.Red flag - I never thought it was. I ust thought - hm that is strange.
When his daughter turned 12- 13 she started doing the same thing as her mother- learned that behavior from her and kept him in suspense. We would wait on the couch on Christmas day for his 12 year old daughter to text him when she will be available to be picked up. We waited for her from 8 a.m till 4:30 p.m with one text from her at 13:30 saying Happy Christmas but not saying when she will be available for pick up. Then when at 4 p.m I said we should go home he texted her that we are leaving. Then it was my fault because in his words if it was not for me he would have stayed in his mother`s basement and waited for her till 10 p.m if he had to.Apparently his daughter showed up at 6:30 p.m at his mother`s home and was very disappointed and upset. His mother thought that I was disrespectful- no matter the fact that I gave her gifts and went with her for a walk and was kind and generous with my time and money.

I am just sharing my experience. From what I see here - I was not alone in my feelings and experience and you are not alone either. If you want to hang in there stay . If you cannot carry the burden of the drama - leave. I just had to leave for my own sanity and peace of mind.

smokeyquartz's picture

Yes, I just don't understand it hey - I guess it is a control thing maybe? Shame when the kids are used for this and I am worried about how she will be as she gets older, if she will do what you said his daughter did at 12-13. I do love this man and our relationship is so strong, but I guess I'm still getting used to the fact that BM gets to dictate so much of our life when it all could be dealt with so much simpler! So I guess that is the test, is it worth the drama - yes. Do I need to go and meditate a lot to deal with the drama - YES! Hate the feeling of powerlessness that goes with all this..

anafiodorova's picture

So you have your own answer and it is better than any advice you can read here because it is your own choice. Probably you still have lessons that you need to learn in the relationship and for your own self- discovery.
Meditation helped me a lot when I left him and the craziness. It has been a lifesaver for me. Prayer has also helped me a lot.It also comes down to whether you can live in this way till the rest of your life? My answer was a big NO.I just learned to be realistic and see things for what they are and align reality and actions with words. When they did not match - I knew something major was wrong and it was not me.
Love and peace on your path

smokeyquartz's picture

Thank you so much Smile Actually have a huge update on this which is crazy. FDH confronted her on the phone today about the disgusting facebook rant and about the mix up with dates for picking SD8 up. After a heated discussion they have both decided that this isn't working and will end up back in court if it continues this way.

After a 2 hour conversation they have decided the four of us need to get together to discuss a co-parenting strategy and expectations etc and try and get a relationship happening between everyone. If you read this and dont believe me I can understand why! It seems like an unbelievable outcome but maybe it just needed to hit rock bottom before we could all start creating a better framework. This is just the first step but it is a HUGE one. I'm amazed and thrilled with this and now have all the excitement of FDH coming home tomorrow after 6 months!! Biggrin

Here's to hoping this all continues to work out - seems too good to be true right now but postive thinking never hurt Smile

(but I will continue with my meditation Wink )

anafiodorova's picture

Hope it all turns out well. I have never met with the BM around these issues because she is diagnosed bipolar and monitored by social worker and receives disability. So I cannot give a grounded advise around meeting BM and discussing with her anything.Probably Tog is a better reference. His daughter being raised by her mother started exhibiting the signs of control and unhealthy relations and connection with family members. It happened before my eyes and should it not have happened right in front of me I would not believed it.Children learn by observing behaviors and patterns from their parents and then they act in accordance to what they have seen in the home. It is no surprise that this has happened to me and probably to other people too.

I think that Tog`s husband has introduced very healthy and firm boundary that shows respect for her as his wife and also keeps his ex wife at a place where she cannot control and manipulate the marriage. In this way neither the ex wife nor the child can control and manipulate the marriage in an unhealthy way.

Meditation and prayer are a great tool and they certainly help in trying times like the ones that I went through. They gave me a spiritual perspective to seek the lessons and what I can change in myself in order to move to a healthy relationship without control and manipulation and lies. I will never ever advise anyone to stay in a situation similar to mine. I share here so that women know and notice the red flags. I have also benefited greatly from the website and the advice given here.

Do not abandon yourself, your values and love and trust yourself enough to know when it is enough.

Love and peace on your path.

smokeyquartz's picture

Really appreciate these comments. It is so good to get a different perspective. I can totally understand saying that if you are not here by a certain time so are not having here - but we both half to travel 2 hours to meet half way. Which also means this is the only opportunity FDH has to see SD8 as it is not possible to do anything outside the visitation time due to distance. I guess it then depends if want to do that and then push the whole "court" thing if she doesn't comply - however I think it would be best to keep this out of going back to court wouldn't it?

And for the meeting - I think it is worth a shot. If it doens't work I don't think we've lost anything and can then take it from there. Maybe I'm still naive about all this - which is why this forum is so good for me. The more information and experiences I can learn from the better I think!

So good to get support and advice from people who are living this.

smokeyquartz's picture

Thank you for sharing your story, it is a tricky road we rae navigating isn't it! I hope this isnt where our path is heading, it doesnt seem THAT bad yet but I have had time to calm down after the last episode now as well. The facebook thing was/is upsetting since she is still friends with mutual friends on there plus some of his family members (and SD8!)so she must have known this could/would come back to him.

SD8 is here now, we picked her up today after getting stuffed around again and BM looked quite sheepish when she saw us and made a quick getaway. Hopefully she is seeing she cant continue like this, I still have lots of hope but I am toughening up in case it doesnt!

smokeyquartz's picture

The joys of facebook hey! Yes, it does make a world of difference when FDH is on the same page Smile mine is wonderful and lets me talk all these weird feelings and thoughts out with him with no judgement which I'm so thankful for, but now that I'm on this forum hopefully I can get a bit of perspective and input before I unload my crazy thoughts onto him without a filter lol!

Having SD8 here at the moment makes it all worth while though. FDH feels like he is truely home from deployment now and they are so happy to be spending quality time together. SD8 was asking heaps of questions about our upcoming wedding and we picked her dress yesterday - fingers crossed it all goes smoothly and BM doesn't suddenly change plans and say she can't come down! FDH said he's going to remind her every month leading up and have it all in writing just in case Blum 3

smokeyquartz's picture

That is so true about not letting BM take any happiness away from our lives. I came to that conclusion too after feeling she took away my joy of FDH coming back from deployment and then changing the pick up and drop up times this week! (and she says we are the ones who change it???? I honestly can't remember changing even the hour of visitation once, but we are starting to document now just in case things go pear shaped later). It was a good example for me though cause I was the one giving her the power to take the happiness from me - I NO LONGER give her that permission!!

We've had a great few days with SD8, even had her two cousins come over yesterday for a party (the cousins are from BM sister - funny that we can have a good relationship with her... but all that has caused sooooooo much drama but that is probably a whole other forum!). So this visit has been a success despite everything and I can't wait for the next one. FDH told SD8 he will take us camping and show us survival techniques from his deployment. SD8 and I have decided that we need the basics such as marshmellows and board games though Wink Hopefully there will be fewer and fewer battles on the weekends with BM as time goes on, but even if they continue I will get through it by venting to everyone here! Smile Great to meet you Soon2BStepmomKY - love the name by the way!