I find there are times when kids aren't little " bitches". There are times when a parent earns the treatment they get from the kids. I have a very strong feeling your husband earned this treatment. He did this. He blew it. And a kid freckling out about going to the grandfathers home....well that smells bad as well. Something happened to this girl.

Your husband should go to therapy to see if he can get to the bottom of what he did to earn this from her. Then hopefully one day he will have a deeper understanding of his actions. Give a deep apology to her and then maybe she will invite him back in her life.

This is all really sad. Have you guys tried counseling? Like maybe it will help him cope with all this; like someone else said, things will change when his kids are older, everyone grows up. Good luck to you guys.

Lost-stick around like Bechers suggested. This board has some good people on here. People were ugly to me at first also.
Cull the bad advice and listen to the good.

Husbands and biodads get raked over the coals if 'god forbid' they take a step back. Had my DH run to court everytime BM did something stupid, he would have no job, no money and for what? A kid who resents him and is PAS'd out?

No one says children are disposable, and it is too bad someone here accused you of that.

SD15 has recently become somewhat normal- she is maturing and sees the difference between her hag destitute bitter BM and talks and hangs out with DH. It is a slow road. She now call him to ask to see him.

This is a sad story and unfortunately not the first time I heard something similar. It happened to a colleague I once knew. His daughter got estranged from him and it was largely due to the PAS tactics of the mother.

You said that the courts can't do anything and sadly this is also true. If the daughter doesn't want to see his father, the courts cannot force her to (especially if she is deemed mature).

You should tell your husband to contact the "Father's 4 Justice" chapter in your region. They may be able to give him some advice.

As for my advice. I have seen it time and time again. A parent who encourages a child to disrespect the other parent will eventually reap what they sow. Your step-daughter will one day turn on her mother (and possibly the stepfather). I can guarantee it.

When that happens, be ready.

I'm sorry this has happened to you and your DH. We have a similar issue with our skids. The worst part of all is that my SD now has 2 children that my DH only got to see enough to get attached and poof - now we don't see any of them.

Every single time we went to court, the judge would give BM a "talking to." Not that it did any good. Even when my DH got awarded a fine for Contempt of Court by the BM, it resulted in her going by the CO for about 3-4 months. Then back to how she was doing it before.

How much money does a person throw at a situation they are helpless to change?

Wow lots of judging here today, huh?
OP, I'm so sorry. It's so hard when, despite your best efforts, nothing can be done. I have a friend where I live, who's ex-wife was producing Internet porn in her house with her children in the home, with concrete evidence of these activities, and even that wasn't enough for him to get a court to enforce his visitation or change custody arrangements. I get it. Sometimes you cannot win.

So sorry you're going through this. Please look into disengaging and parental alienation for some tips to get through.

OP - I suggest counseling for you and your husband to get through this rough time. But most importantly, you both need to realize there is nothing more than you can do.

Your H can continue to write those letters but he should start making copies of them. If they're being thrown away, possibly by the BM, then his kids may not know he's been trying to develop a relationship with them.

I watched Uberskank try to do this to my H and it didn't work. Sadly she's been able to do this to both of my skid's younger sisters and their bio-fathers.

I wish you both the best but you must realize this is now out of your hands. As much as the courts are backing you, the threats coming from the skids are very real and you're both being wise to not engage or encourage that behavior from them.

Best of luck.

Wish I saw this earlier... this is what happens to dads... it is not talked about. It happened to us at 13 with SD. I have watched it with two of DH's colleagues. One has fought for years and won't give up. I think you need to quit. Dh did with SD. Now it is dinner twice a year at this rate. She is 19 and not a part of our lives. We are good with it now, especially after the court battle and the BS she put us through. Let it go, you will be happier.

...What you are experiencing is called complex trauma. It is the result of a bm who is narcissistic and is using PAS ing as a venue to destroy the relationship between the children and their father...look it up. She poisons their thinking process about their bf every chance she gets. They, in return bastardizes everything you two do. You are referred to as the targeted parents and she is the favored one. Ironically, it is emotional mental and psychological abuse she is imposing on her own children. There is no love in it, and the loyalty of the children feeds her narcissism, as well as the destruction of the relationship.

They say a child's desire to be with their bio parent is as fundamental as our desire to eat and reproduce...So, for a child to not want to be with their father, there is something wrong. They are being coached...and as for her boyfriend...He has stolen the role of the father because narcissists believe people can be replaced...So, to feed her illness, he is acting as the father. They are probably being told he is the one always there for them. (of coarse he is there more, he lives in the same house)...Our s kids were told he was their "new daddy"...they had to be loyal to their moms wishes because they lived with her and would suffer the emotional consequences if they didn't play along with the mommy wins everything game.

It is a fairly new diagnoses, and the parent who is the favored one, abusing their own childen...is actually the more dangerous one...Although they APPEAR to be the more stable one, the more caring one on and on...they are just great performers...and the better performer they are, the more dangerous they are considered to be.

See Dr. Childress on utube EXCELLENT INFORMATION....

it is so newly discovered, they do not have many counselors trained to de-program childen who have been brainwashed into hating their parent. If you buy them presents they are told you are trying to buy their love..If you don't they say you do not care...It is a horrible consequence of some broken families...It is a direct result of one parent's hate and unforgiveness going too far. They will stop at nothing to win the loyalty of their children because their illness craves to be fed...They refer to it as the perfect hate crime...the goal is to kill the relationship out of revenge.

The complex trauma you are experiencing is similar to ptsd...Only complex trauma is caused by high levels of stress being imposed on your family for a long period of time...It took me three years to break free from the toxic life patterns the bm imposed on us constantly...always using the children as a pawn to gain access to our family...it was literally like coming out of a cult and having to get de programed myself...Out s kids are all over 40 now and still have no idea what was done to them. Bm died 3 years ago, and they cannot face reality about how truly sick she was.

It is difficult to confront a narcisstic person who gets off on your pain...They truly do not care about anyone except themselves...not even their own children...Perhaps when you google parent alienation syndrome..you can find some resources to get some help...

With our s kids..they learned to use the relationship as a weapon, and eventually pulled the plug themselves when they realized we were not going to play the game...now they passed it on to the grandchildren because it is the legacy they have embraced...

What helped me survive the pain is when I realized It is their baggage and not mine to pick up. When they get to be adults they get to choose...the problem is, they choose what they know....at 14, you still might be able to intervene with some professional coaching regarding this...You and your dh need to stay strong for each other's sake...peace

I'm sorry to hear you're going though this hell OP. Been there - done that. SD(now 14) used to be super close to her Dad. So close that she fought her own grandmother when she came over to take care of them when BM abandoned ship. Took her grandmother 4 years to get her to accept her.

BM came back into the picture with her new lesbian partner and through counselling and SO's guidance, skids learnt to adapt and accept the new situation. SO had been single for 6 years by this time. Then I came along and we started a relationshp. All hell broke loose with SD and BM.

SD who was 12 at the time, stopped visiting because we stopped allowing her Mom to try controlling our weekends by booking activities that would take up the entire time. We had no argument with the activities per se.. just wanted BM to stay away when it was our time to take them. She would attend every game and cause dramas. SD took her Mom's side. SO and BM had mediation (BM refused) and SD had counselling. Counsellor's advice was for SD to remain with her mother. SO reached out constantly in the last 2 years. Emails, cards, texts, phone calls. Nothing - nada - zilch. So off WE went to counselling to try to learn how to deal with this.

Our Counsellor advised us that the best thing to do would be to leave it alone. No point going through courts 'cos SD would be allowed to "think with her feet" meaning, she would decide where she wanted to be, no matter what the courts said. So. No court.

SO misses her every single day but he's learnt to accept it. SS(now 13) has never stopped visiting. He loves being with us and doesn't agree with SD's attitude, which BM has always supported. BM also undermines SO every chance she gets - so to put a stop to it - SO just quit dealing with their dramas.

Fast forward 2 years later.. SD fights with BM non-stop. She has started cutting herself for attention (little scratches near her thumb). First time she did it, BM didn't call SO - SS13 did. SS13 also told SO that the first thing SD said was "tell Dad not to bother coming to see me 'cos I dn't wanna see him". More hurt for SO. Spoke to the Counsellor who said "don't do anything. Don't make any contact. This is an obviously negative attention seeking which should not be rewarded". It worked. Dammit it worked. SD was fine - she took off playing with her mates the next night and we didn't have any bulshit dramas from BM.

My advice? Tell your DH to let go. Your lives should not be affected by the toxic attitude of your SD and BM. Live your life to the fullest and don't let ANYONE judge you.