Ahhhh!!!!!
That's how I feel right now. So here is a little background. I am recently married (have been together for 2 years). I have 2 step kids (SD14 and SS12) and a bio son (9). My step kids refuse to see my husband and BM does not encourage then to come see him. We are going to court in a few weeks.
Here is what I am having a hard time with. First let me say I completely understand my husband side, but I can't help but feel this way.
So my husband is always sad because his children are rejecting him. They send him mean letters and texts and are going to talk to the judge to try to change the visitation schedules so that they don't have to come over. They are just so mean to him and my husband is a great man and a great dad. The thing is that every time it is his week he is anxious and sad. It takes a toll on us. I have always been there for him, but lately I feel like just stepping away when he feels like it because he brings me down with him too. I want to stop spending so much time being sad about all of that and spend more time being happy together. Today was supposed to be a big eventful day for me because I started my job again after being off work for a few months, but I feel selfish feeling good and happy when he is down for a good part of the week. Instead we both didn't sleep much and I came to work tired and sad. I felt lonely. I feel like 2 years is a long time to be sad about the same thing over and over. I want to be there for him, but I don't want to be sad anymore. It is taking a lot of time from our regular lives. we have no control over the situation with BM and Stepkids. I also feel like it is taking a toll on his health and general appearance. I feel like I was left to pick up the pieces and I have not been able to put them back together and I don't know if I ever will be. I have no idea what to do.
My first marriage ended when my husband committed suicide. Since I have been with my husband I put a lot of effort into not letting that control my life or define me and instead enjoy my new life with my husband. My son has done the same things and he is really mature and has coped very well. It is just so hard for me to continue to let this bring me down when I chose to not let the things from my own life bring me down anymore. It also feels like there is not time for me to feel sad about my own issues because we are always dealing with my husband's problems.
You are responsible for your own happiness!
I know exactly how you feel, but you need to take back control of your life. His children are his burden, not yours.....I know that sounds harsh as you are one, but you need to save yourself. You both cannot be down and depressed. How you've dealt with this for two years is beyond me. Eight months of suffering and pisstivity were enough for me to snap out of it, but I was clearly depressed and like you realized what I was letting happen to myself.
You can not help him if you're depressed too. Live your best life and be happy! Do not feel guilty about being happy. Happiness is a choice no matter what your circumstances are. The whole point of BM and the kids is to keep you down, and right now they are winning! You are the captain of your own ship, do not allow anyone to take the sail out of your life. You can only control yourself. Comfort your husband, but do not take on his battle with HIS children.
You sound like a wonderful wife and loyal life partner, but you will be no good to yourself or anyone if you are sad, depressed and miserable.
Good luck, you can do this...happiness is contagious.
Thank you
Thank you so much. I love what you said "happiness is choice no matter what your circumstances are" you are right. I am going to snap out of it and live my best life. I hope he can too :).
<p>I had this same issue with
I had this same issue with DH...and his kids weren't even evil and awful to him. (Well, OSD was for a while...and she tried to quit comng over...but they worked through it and have a good relationship now.)
In my case, I desperately wanted to have a biokid but we were unable (vasectomy, reversal didn't work). So, I had to watch DH mope and listen to him moan on an EOW basis about how he'd 'lost his kids' and 'wasn't being allowed to be a REAL DAD' and...etc., etc., etc.
I didn't want to be unfeeling...but sometimes listening to this moaning and watching the moping killed me inside. Like, how dare he moan to me about 'not being able to be a dad' when I quite literally have been denied parenthood. I felt horrible, but I eventually had to tell him to quit moping about his kids in front of me...he did, and my happiness and ability to put up with them when they're over defininitely improved.
I totally get your DH. But it
I totally get your DH. But it is his grief, and while you can and do understand and support him, his sadness doesn't have to be your sadness. Not that you want to party it up while he is sad, you just don't have to be sad with him. And your successes and happy events shouldn't be overshadowed by his ongoing mopiness.
Different circumstances, but my DH gets super depressed around the Christmas holidays. He misses his "babies" and feels lots of guilt for being a "bad" dad. I used to love the holidays, but I made the mistake of letting his sadness rule my holiday as well -- no decorations, no holiday activities, etc. That just made me resentful. A few years ago I told him that I was going to go on with the holidays and if I wanted to decorate I would, didn't expect his help, and wouldn't decorate in "his" areas of the house. I also went to various activities, with or without him. Last year he took small steps and helped me decorate the main part of the house and we did a few holiday-type things together.
Thank you
I will begin to do that today. Yesterday night I told him that I cannot be sad with him because I was too excited about today and my job requires me to be emotional healthy. He was very understanding and was more upbeat today. I really appreciate the advice. You are absolutely right I won't let his sadness be mine.
You have a dad without a kid and a kid without a dad...
Have you talked to him about this?
It seems to me, even if he's sad, he should sympathize with the struggle you and your son have had, and for your sake, he could try not to take down the whole ship with his own grief. This requires him to be selfless to a degree, but that's what love is.
You could tell him many have experienced this with kids (like my husband) and the kids often eventually come around (to my utter misery!) and make a new relationship with their parent. So it's a waiting game - at some point, his kids will be out from under his ex and he can attempt to make strides with them then or they may even seek him out. Tell him, as much as possible, to look at it as temporary.
In the meantime, give him a speech about how these are the best years of your lives and you must make the most of them while you have them. Tell him your son needs a father figure, and while they're not biological relatives, you've got a dad without a kid and a kid without a dad, and both lost their loved ones tragically, so they can help each other work through that while also fulfilling those roles for each other.
Just keep emphasizing that he doesn't know if it's forever, so he must not waste days. And if it is forever, he still must not waste precious days because you, of all people, know how someone can be here today and be gone tomorrow.
I really wish you peace, stepmom27. You deserve it.
Thank you
This was really meaningful. You really gave me some great points to discuss. Everyone has been so nice and helpful on here.
You and your son deserve
You and your son deserve people to be nice to you after what you've been through! Good luck - I hope it works out well for you.