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Advice Please!

holyhansolo's picture

So, as I've posted before, my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months now and we got very serious very quickly. He has a 4 year old son who I help take care of when my boyfriend is at work and his son and I have gotten close and have a good relationship. Every time my boyfriend calls his son when he's at BM's house, the first thing his son says is "Where's Bunny (my nickname that my family calls me), what is she doing, when can I see her?" It's really sweet and I love that kid dearly.

My problem now is that I have PKD (genetic degenerative kidney disease) and I just recently got some lab results back saying that it's now spread to my liver. Nothing is life threatening yet, but in the next several years (could be next year, could be in 40 years, there's no way of knowing) I will eventually go into kidney failure, and it's probably going to be sooner than later. I've told my boyfriend that I have a kidney condition because I've been in the hospital probably 3 times since I met him, but I haven't told him the details or the extent of my kidney disease. I didn't want to say anything while my kidney function was still good, but now that it's spreading to my liver, it's becoming more serious and I'm feeling more of the symptoms.

I feel like it's only fair to tell my boyfriend about the extent of my disease now since we're getting to the point where we're deciding that we want to get more serious because this might change how my boyfriend feels about me and his plans for the future because I now won't be able to get pregnant or have my own biological children. It might also change how my boyfriend feels about my relationship with his son and if he wants his son to get more attached to me then he already is. I mean, I would hope my boyfriend's feelings for me wouldn't change, but it's not fair of me to ask him to be with me knowing what we'll eventually have to got through in the next several years as my kidneys and liver go into failure, I can't ask him to be with me when I know I'm going to get really sick one day. That's a lot to ask of someone. I just want to be honest with my boyfriend so he can figure out what's best for him and especially for his son.

So my question is if there are any parents out there whose SO was/is in a similar situation with their health? How did your SO tell you? How did you handle it? Did you tell your kids about it, assuming they were old enough to understand? I'm just looking for advice on the best way to tell my boyfriend and if I should expect the worst... :?

maree80's picture

Don't have any wise words....just wanted to say best of luck to you!! You sound like a very nice person!

amber3902's picture

So sorry to hear about your condition. I have fibromyalgia, while, it's not as serious or life threatening as your situation, it has caused problems in my relationships because I can't always do everything like normal people can.

You just don't know how people are going to respond. When I started dating the man I'm currently with, I told him on the second date. Didn't go into a lot of detail but did explain that it meant that I couldn't always stay up late, have as much energy, etc. He was understanding. Some guys are jerks, some are understanding. The guy I dated before my current boyfriend wasn't so understanding about my condition, wanted me to stay up late with him, got mad and said "you didn't tell me this about you when we first started dating!"

I think being honest with your BF about your health and your feelings about it is the best way to go. Hopefully he realizes what a gem you are and supports you the way you have supported him. Otherwise he doesn't deserve you.

((((HUGS))))'s picture

Just be honest, I think he would be supportive more than anything and be concerned! Tell him exactly what you wrote here and tell him you understand that you can't be in a "normal" relationship bc of your health issues. If he loves you I think he would be concerned and maybe even upset you didn't tell him sooner!

StepKidto3Momto3's picture

While being realistic is good, it is also important to be optimistic. Treatments are improving all of the time. I agree that you need to tell your boyfriend but hopefully, he will be able to cope as well as you are.

smarmy's picture

I went through something similar with my DH. Thankfully there is nothing life threatening to me anymore but I do deal with numerous health issues because of it that can put stress on our marriage.

DH and I hadn't been together too long when I was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease that affected my kidneys, joints, and skin. Because of the high level of steroids I was on I lost 1/2 my hair and my face swelled up huge. My body was covered in a nasty rash and I went between being on crutches and in a wheel chair. It was a very trying time for both of us and we spent a lot of time not knowing what was happening to me and what was GOING to happen to me. He accompanied me to 20-something doctor's visits and surgeries in 2 months!

Through all of this...he was my ROCK. He assured me that no matter what the outcome was...he would always love me and be there to support me. In fact, he proposed to me in the middle of all of it! He made it very clear that none of it mattered because he loved me so much.

You need to be honest with him....if he really loves won't matter. Just be up front about it and your concerns.

Best of luck to you with everything!'s picture

I went through a cervical cancer scare just as I was getting divorced from my exhusband. The marriage had been over for awhile at that point and we both had started seeing other people. They guy I was with at the time (not my current DH) was fantastic about it. I sat him down very early (pretty much the day after I found out I had pre-cancerous cells) and said, look...I don't know if these will go away, or get worse, if I'll be on chemo or not, be sick or not, so if you don't want that hassle and drama in your life with someone you just met, I understand. We stayed together for several years.

I told DH the same thing not long after we met. Even though all my paps since then have been clear, I wanted to be honest cause I know I'm at high risk. So I just told him the truth very calmly and that I'd understand if he didn't want to continue the road we were on.

So just be honest. He has a right to know if he's falling for you and has you in his child's life.

**HUGS** best of luck to you sweetie. I hope everything works out like you want it.

holyhansolo's picture

Thanks everyone! This definitely helps! I'll post again after I talk to him.

And really, thank you. I really appreciate the help I've gotten from this site.