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Advice, please.

SusieCue's picture

SD15 was seemingly doing ok behavior and school wise for a period of time and so on Valentine's weekend, DH let her stay the night at a friend's house. SD10 was at her cousin's house for the weekend as well, so it was nice to have some time alone with DH. SD15 was told that if she and her friends were going to go anywhere, she was too drop us a line to let us know. She didn't, so when she got home we asked her what she did all weekend. She told us that she watched movies with her friend, and that they didn't go anywhere. 

Yesterday, I was transferring my laundry from the washer to the dryer and SD15's clothes were in the dryer. The empty basket was sitting right next to the dryer and so I dumped SD15's clothes into the basket so I could put mine in the dryer. Out fell several extremely racy undergarments that I would categorize as not "daily wear" (certain aspects of said garments would make wearing these things impractical). My assumption was that these were either obtained this past weekend, or they were obtained FOR this past weekend, (i.e. she wasn't really at her friend's house or she snuck out with her friend to see boys, or a boy purchased these items for her). We live in a very rural area and it's a trek to get anywhere like the mall, etc. so we would've known if she went somewhere recently. 

We confronted her, telling her that if she went to the mall with her friends and bought these things with her own money, we aren't about to inspect her underwear drawer or anything, and that it's her own business. But if she's sneaking around with boys and lying, that's a different story. SD15 then proceeds to say that her older sister (half sister, same mom different dad, not DH's kid) bought them for her and brought them to school. SD15's sister is about 20, and is complete trash. In the past, she's given SD15 alcohol, drugs and cigarettes/vape, exposed her to things that she shouldn't have, and basically served as a terrible example. We told both SD's that they can see their sister under our supervision but not unsupervised and they can talk to her on the phone but because of their sister's lack of responsibility, we cannot trust her. Turns out, SD15 had been using her friend's phone to communicate with her sister and was planning to run away with her. We called SD15's friend's parents and explained the situation and they were not pleased. 

My question is... Where do we go from here? We have a 15 year old sneaky brat in the house that doesn't want to be here because she has chores and constantly gets grounded because of HER OWN ACTIONS. 

Stepvice's picture

It seems like shes going through a phaseand honestly there's probably nothing you can say or do to convince her to stop. She will only rebel more cause 15 year olds are very hormonal and moody. 

Really the best you can do is have a "reality talk". Like explain "look I cannot tell you how you want to live you life but I want you to be safe" maybe take her to doctor to offer birth control options and have the STD prevention talk. That way even if she does make mistakes they wont be one's that limit her future potential.

In today's world it's impossible to stop them completely when they rebel due to all the social media ect. And being from a small town shes extremely high risk for pregnancy cause alot teens in small towns end up drinking partying smoking cause there's nothing else to do. 

And dont think ohhh shes 15 too early to think about all this cause trust me I saw a chick in small town get pregnant at 14. It happens. Best to protect their body cause there's no way you can protect there mind shes already been exposed through friends older sister school internet ect.

SusieCue's picture

SD15's mom got pregnant with her older sister at 14, so not only is it possible, but likely that she will try to follow suit. We've tried the reality talk with her until we're blue in the face and nothing gets through to her. She seems to think her sister has the perfect life, even though her sister never graduated and doesn't make enough to support herself, has STDs, and lives with a boyfriend that physically and emotionally abuses her. SD15 seems to think that her sister is "doing great on her own". I don't know what else to say to her. I'm considering telling DH to look into emancipation because she's a bad influence on SD10 at this point. 

tog redux's picture

He can't just "emancipate" her because he's tired of dealing with her behavior - he's responsible for her until 18.

He needs to implement rules and consequences and therapy for her and do what he has to do as a parent. Obviously, she will have to earn back the trust to spend weekends with friends. Maybe she loses her phone for a period of time, etc.

Unless he's able to send her to live with BM (which again - why would he give up his parenting responsibilities?) he's stuck dealing with the child he created.

Rags's picture

Norplant.  At least take out of wedlock breeding off of the table until she is 18.  Also, if she is sneaking around take her freinds and anywhere but school or home off of the table. If she isn't trustworthy, then her world gets very, very small.

Take her to the doc for STD testing quarterly and the second she drops out of HS, change the locks.  She can have the support and comfort of the family and home as long as she is in school.  If she chooses to drop out at 16 she moves out immediately.

Sadly, as parents we can't save children who won't make the effort to save themselves.

SusieCue's picture

As it was before this, she did not have a phone, and was grounded from going anywhere that wasn't with the immediate family. However on Valentine's weekend, DH and I spoke and decided that she could stay at this particular friend's house, as we have good communication with the parents. At this time we were unaware that SD15 was using this girl's phone to communicate with her older half sister. SD15 is now saying she doesn't want to live here anymore because she "has no freedom". We enlightened her to the fact that the reason she has no freedom is because of her own choices and behavior. 

This morning when SD10 was getting ready for school, she asked DH where her toothpaste is, as she and SD15 share a bathroom and use the same tube. When DH went to help her find it, he discovered SD15's toothbrush and the toothpaste were missing. I have a feeling she contacted her sister again (we told her friend's parents that SD15 had been using their daughter's phone to sneak around and they took that girl's phone away but she could've used someone else's) and decided to take off with her. If she's not home by dinner we will have to call the police. 

Does anyone know what happens when this is the case? What will we need to do besides report her?

Rags's picture

Report her and support the police and juvenile law enforcement system to come down on her like a ton of crap in a one pound bag.

Have copies of your CO ready to give to the police, any Judge that gets involved, and any counselors that may be assigned so that you firmly establish DH as the CP and your home as the resident home of this kid.

Good luck.

SusieCue's picture

... We've reported her as a runaway. She was not at school today, which is no surprise. BM contacted us and admitted she knows where SD15 is, we reported that to the police as well. BM has two outstanding felony warrants so aiding a runaway will most likely do her in. 

We found out from SD15's aunt that SD's half sister (who she is with, more than likely) has been selling her underwear and her body and it is fairly likely that she is trying to recruit SD15 into doing the same thing. We reported all of this information to the police but neither they nor us has been able to locate her.