Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your situation sounds awful, well done on extracting yourself and starting fresh. Was there a final straw that made your mind up? Was it a trigger or just a build up until you couldn't stand it anymore? The reason I'm asking is because sometimes my situation feels hopeless but then we have no contact with SD for a while and it is good again, only to have issues flare up as soon as she's around. It's been well over a year for me feeling like I need to get out but then I think 'nah it's not always bad...maybe it will get better from here on'

Interested to hear what made you see the light in the end. 

Reading the nightmare you suffered during your first marriage infuriates me. I am so happy you are free of that shallow and polluted gene pool.

Congratulations on your happy marriage.

Enjoy your life.

And... please stay. You can vent about your past experiences and add a ton of value for so many who are struggling with things that you have experienced and triumphed over.  

A supportive ability to cut to the chase is something that many can benefit from.

You obviously have that ability and the credibility that your personal experiences bring.

Congratulations again on your new life and marriage.

Sorry to hear it was so awful for you, but glad that you got away and have a good marriage now. My own story is unusual in that my DH did change his Disney Dad ways and create better boundaries with the SDs, and also we have moved away from them now, we no longer live 5 minutes down the road.  So it is possible, but I agree, not common, especially if you have a severe case of mini wife like you did.  I would encourage you to stick around and provide the voice of experience to others who are in this situation. 

Good for you for getting out.

Unparented kids are generally not likeable.  Why would you feel guilty for not liking a dirty, poop-smelling kid who set you and your H up to fight and then grinned about it? The worst part is that he thought he was being such a loving father and instead he was creating an unlikeable person who will probably never function independently as an adult. And he did it all to meet his OWN needs to feel like a "good" father  -  because it wasn't meeting her needs.  Kids need structure and boundaries, and they need adults to be in charge.  What he did, in my mind, is a form of child abuse that goes unrecognized.

Hope you've found peace.

Stepmomnomore, first off want to say glad you are out of that situation and found happiness with someone new! Congrats on your new marriage.

You said "I just realized I was only there because he wanted free child care and an extra paycheck and he didn't give a damn about me or what I wanted in a family." Your ex husband and his mini-wife sound like they were horrific. The world doesn't revolve around anyone's kid (kids), whether they are adults or actual kids. It's pathetic that some people (especially these fathers we read about on the message board) think so. I was in a relationship with a man who lied to me and hid the fact that he felt his adult kids (especially his yougest daughter) come first in his life, tries to buy their love, let them manipulate and use him, allow them to disrespect him, and in the case of his youngest daughter allow her to disrespect our relationship and verbally abuse him. I dumped him.

When I found this message board I thought it was great and very informative. I had never heard of mini-wife or guilty father syndrome. I learned a lot from others here. Several people thought my now ex was trying to groom me to help financial support his youngest daughter or financial support him because she was draining him financially. I was in disbelief because I told him prior to even going on a date with him that I don't financially support able-bodied adults and that anyone I dated had to be on board with that. Rather than be a man and respect that he decided to lie and cover up the situation with his yougest daughter. I later found out that all his adult kids live with someone else, none work enough to take care of themselves, and all regularly call for money. Quite some time has passed since I broke up with him and cut him off completely. After several months I did hear him out only to find out he hadn't changed anything. I eventually distanced my from him again. He has resurfaced and I decided to continue to distance myself from him. Life is too short to be miserable. This board/several members on this board, friends, and family etc. helped me realize I did the right thing by dumping him. But this board/several members on this board helped me understand how toxic and dysfunctional my ex, his adult kids, and the relationship he had with them really was

You said " The short version: if you're heavily questioning it, run. It will not get better. It will get worse. And you don't deserve it." Thanks for reinforcing that people in this situation who decide to leave have made the right decision!

Does your husband have children woth someone else? Are you a stepmother again or were both of you childless when you met?

It's so helpful hearing stories from other stepparents like you. To not be alone in your feelings towards SKs or views on OP parenting. I also have never been able to find it in myself to like OSD even from the beginning. Not that I didn't make every effort to try. As time has gone on I have learned that is was my intuition telling me that Thier is something seriously wrong with her. In time her true colors have shown what kind of person she is. 

Interacting with her in the beginning I was always put off by how "fake" she was, she had no identity of her own and would mirror the people she was trying to impress. She was also always very grandiose making up stories to make herself look good. In time I started to see how manipulative and deceitful she was. 

I gave myself permission to not feel guilty about my feelings towards her, as well as to disengage from her. Because the truth is if she was an adult, she is the type of person I would stay away from and not choose to have in my life. So why should I feel guilty just because she is a child. She is going to grow up one day to be that adult.

It was up to you to be in control of your life.  His DD came first. He said that. We hope Nevis happy with his life.  You did the right thing by getting out,  We all wish we had your power.  Your power to control your life and happiness.  
Hopy you all the best in life 

His red flags were 1. Allowed his kids to be disrespectful towards me and manipulate him. 2. Bought his kids things that they did not deserved nor earn when they were not behaving 3. Was always late/rushed for our date nights because of his kids and /or ex. Date nights were also almost always interrupted and dominated by phones calls from his kids about nothing important even when they had been with him the entire day already. 4. Allowed his kids in our bed well past the appropriate age which resulted in me sleeping on the couch or me not getting any restful sleep.5. Being guilted into spending any free time I had with his ill behaved kids not to mention spend my money on his kids while given no reimbursement and him acting annoyed if I could not do it. 6. Him having little respect or consideration for the career I had and the job I had in which I was actually paid to do and him also guilting about that.7. His kids constantly interrupting adults, talking back, not listening and generally being disrespectful. They were a complete nightmare at meal time and controlled everything in the household including but not limited to meals, the tv, what we did, etc. But hey it's all about his kids right?  I exited stage left. His life might be all about his kids, and should be, but mine certainly is not. 

Be very glad you left and be proud of yourself. They are nothing more now than distant visuals in your rear view mirror and that is a very good thing. Living well is your best revenge. Life is too short to be used and abused. Enjoy!

This post hit home for me. Although our stories are not identical they are similar. Except I have not reached the happy ending that you did. New on here and all of this is eye opening. Thank you for sharing. So happy you dumped the husband and mini wife . Just learnt that term and it fits.

I think yours is a really extreme example of just how bad these situations can be; it's hard to understand why you married into that situation, but I am so happy you are out of it and on to something that sounds so much better! What a great story.

I think it's also worthwhile to say that it doesn't need to be anywhere near that bad and you don't need to get nearly that deep in order to see red flags and move on. I still lurk here because the stories are so compelling but truth is I dated a guy for one year who had one kid (who I never agreed to meet) and even that was enough exposure to see the warnings. Bottom line: don't expect better from someone once you get married. Require the treatment you want to see from a spouse while you're dating. I wanted to be a priority. He said yes, I would be. He had poor boundaries with the ex and I asked for better. He was financially unstable and I wanted improvement. He had already been married and I wanted the whole courtship experience because I have not. He was 39 but seemed 60 because of the way he had been run into the ground, I wanted someone with the energy to go out and live an active life. Bottom line, by the end of year one, he still really didn't have a handle on any of it and it was time to cut bait. No need to even meet the kid when the BF and you are not on the same page. 

No matter what happens, I will always be grateful to be out of that situation and always wish I had ended it sooner. When you meet people, look at where their life is and realize that no one's life is a complete accident; we all have ownership in where we are. Don't expect for things to get much better. Look for someone who is already pretty much where you need him or her to be. And if the only option is some man or woman with a ton of baggage and you have none, opt to be on your own and make YOUR life about YOU, rather than settling for playing second fiddle in a story you were never a part of writing. 

My Dear Girl,

Reading your upbeat tale of success, after misery and adversity, has me smiling from the inside out! Thanks for reaching out to 'the old gang' and the needy newbies alike. May your good fortune and solid relationship continue!

Best of all, congratulations on your baby girl.

Wow your situation sounded awful and creepy. It is a very good thing that you got away. Buying flowers for his kid on valentine's day and asking you to share them and allowing them to sleep in his bed well past the appropriate age is where I would draw the line. This sounds a lot like my previous situation although it was less creepy but more of the allowing his kids to manipulate and act disrespectful towards me when I was super nice to them. I actually liked his kids too at first until they turned on me. lol. Him allowing his kids to act that way towards me not to mention me paying for nearly everything for the hundreth time whenever we went out was enough for me to walk away.  I don't miss it and I am now in a much happier, healthier relationship. Everything you say about leaving is true. Sometimes it takes meeting a great person and being away from a not so great one to realize how badly you had it.

Your amazing life after blended hell is an inspiration.  Thank you so much for the update.

I find myself goofy grinning IRL and it just cracks my face even more.  Life is not a thing to be suffered.  It is a journey of adventure to be embraced.  Sure, that includes overcoming challenges.  Though those challenges are part of the foundation of an amazing life.

Thank you for embracing your life adventure and sharing it with us.

I was in a similar situation as you with the Disney DH.  It had gotten to the point where I threw him and SD out of the house and told him I wanted a divorce. That was his wake-up call; he decided that he really wanted to be a husband and father to our children and he manned up, backed me up and kept SD away so our marriage could mend. Fast forward about about 15 years later:  we are still married and quite content; SD has matured and has a happy husband and family of her own and we get along very well now. I was lucky after years of crap to finally get the marriage, husband, and father I and my kids deserved. 

Congratulations on getting the one that you deserve, too.!!