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Adding an “ours” baby

adub17's picture

Decisions, decisions!!! This is something my husband and I have talked about off and on for over a year. About last March we decided that because I have two (son6, daughter9) and he has one (ss5), that it’s chaotic enough and we were happy with our blended family. So my husband scheduled a vasectomy. A week ago today (one week from the surgery date) we decided that we may not be done. He has always wanted two of his own and I’d be ok having another also. I am happy with our family but I feel as though I’m not complete. Is this a normal feeling when you blend a family? I know that no one can truly say yes you should add an ours baby or no you shouldn’t but I’m looking for some advice with those who have experience. I guess I just have many fears-will this hurt my relationship with my husband, since our “us” time will be more limited, will my kids or his son feel like we are trying to replace them, what will others think of us having 4 kids all together, will the kids see it as unfair that the baby would be with us all the time and they aren’t?? There are so many questions and I’d love to hear from some of you! Thanks so much!

Harry's picture

Nothing wrong to have a baby with SO, nobody is being replaced. It’s just a bigger family
You just want that connection with your SO

QTsmum's picture

I struggled with this too. With an approaching birthday pushing me further towards being done, I suddenly was devastated when I got my period. I had always thought I was done for sure, so it was very confusing. I spent months trying to figure it out myself before talking to SO about it. I didn't want to freak him out or get his hopes up if I wasn't sure one way or the other.

My thought pushing me towards wantibrg one with him was the answer to "do I think I will regret it if we don't, when I'm old?". I was sure I would.

I spoke to So and he was pretty much neutral.

I eventually started envisioning having an 'ours' baby here. Losing those few moments when we are both childless. Knowing our parenting styles vary so much now and trying to navigate raising a mutual child with those issues. The chaos it would cause with crazy BM (which sounds silly, but is it worth my peace of mind, 'cause that chick reaches maximum levels of nuts!). The entitlement that would come from his family to have my baby. I spent my entire child filled life away from family and am not used to having people who feel like they are owed time, around. I'm an introvert and I struggle with his family already.

Our kids are the same ages of your 3. While yes, in a different world I would absolutely loved for this man to be my kids father, I personally came to the conclusion that it would just be too much in an already difficult dynamic. I heard a mutual child often brought homes together, but that's like having a baby to fix a broken relationship. If you aren't positive, delay the appointment and do a lot more soul searching both on your own and together. You'll figure it out! Good luck, it's tough.

wildstang's picture

Sounds to me like you have already added to the world population.

I guess I would look at it this way. If you and your SO broke up, would you financially be able to support 3 children 100%.

SugarSpice's picture

i did not marry young and decided not to have children with dh. i did not want the early years of our marriage to be rushed having children and not having time to ourselves. a great recipe for divorce. i could not agree to his vasectomy fast enough. he offered to have children with me but i said no.

twenty years of h&ll later with his children, i flat out asked dh how life would have been different if we had decided to have children of our own. how would that have changed his obsession over his children with bm.

he told me that he would have paid less attention to the skids as we would have had our own children.

the lesser of two evils for me. destroying my marriage by bringing children into the marriage immediately or having to tolerate someone else children.

having children is such a personal decision but be warned it is never easy with a man who already has a family. the child you choose to have might be resented by his other siblings. just something to think about.

i think wildstang has a point here about the reality of finances with your having three children.

Ispofacto's picture

Instinctually, I wanted to give DH a baby. He's a beautiful man and he never got to have a son. BM gave him one girl, and he wanted more, but she was a golddigger after a paycheck and had what she needed. She hated sharing her body with another person, so refused to have another. Taking her paycheck and leaving was her plan from the start. I have 3 kids but never got to experience raising a child with someone who loves me. And part of me wanted to one up BM, which is a very wrong reason to have a child.

The decision to have a child should be about the child and what you have to give and what kind of life he/she would have.

Our BM has caused so much drama and fighting in our lives, I can't imagine having raised a child in this environment. Things are pretty tense here, Killjoy is a toxic individual, and I'm frequently on the verge of leaving. This is no place for a new baby. Considering the world at large, overpopulation, pollution, food shortages and the conflict that is going to cause, sometimes I feel guilty for adding the children to the world I already have.

DH got snipped, and he's looking forward to our nest being empty so we can travel and have fun together all the time. I'm glad he feels that way, I want to eject Killjoy from this nest, yesterday.

Studies show that childless couples are happier than couples who choose to have kids.

SugarSpice's picture

this research is true about happiness without children. its a fact that a parent will always put children first before a spouse.

think about that question "who would you save when a ship was sinking? a spouse or a child? most would choose the child.

otoh those without children put each other first.

SugarSpice's picture

that whole masculine "i want a son' is so backward. i know of one stupid couple who kept trying and would up with four girls.

i agree that children make marriages less stable. why do you think so many women are single with babies or toddlers? do you think this makes her a man magnet?

SittingPretty's picture

We had the same dilemma. We ended up going for it and our baby is almost 18 months now. DH was neutral but to me it was more important, as I always wanted two of my own.

It’s been positive in blending our family, and the other three kids adore their baby sister. I’ve always liked my stepkids, but it softens me more towards then when I see how much they love our baby. It didn’t come without issues though: there was resentment on my part at the beginning when my baby’s needs conflicted with my step kids. DH tends to put them first as he doesn’t see them as often, and I had to adjust to that. We definitely have less time as a couple now and that was a difficult adjustment for DH.

We get a bit of jealousy sometimes that she is our full time baby, and that the other children have to come and go. We don’t treat any of the others differently though and when we do anything special (vacations, special outings etc) we include all the children. You sound like you’re sensitive to these sort of issues anyway, and that’s half the battle I think.

In the end I decided that I would never regret having a baby together, but that I might regret not having one. My first marriage was awful so I never take being able to raise a child with the man I love for granted. I would say parts of the pregnancy and the first few months were made tougher by being a blended family, but I think you just adjust. We do get comments on being a larger family and four is a lot to handle, especially when you’re out by yourself. My step kids aren’t around a lot, I’m not sure I would want four all the time.

Luckily we both earn decent money and could afford a fourth child without any major sacrifices. I think some people resent the financial commitments involved in supporting two households more when they have an ‘ours’ child.

Good luck making your decision!

Frustr8d1's picture

On one hand, if I didn't have a bio with DH there's NO WAY I would still be here dealing with his shit... On the other hand, if I didn't have BD with DH, I WOULD HAVE BEEN LONG GONE!!!