Acceptance and SK hell
Late teens and adult male SKs. Nightmare from day 1. Without doubt, being on the end of their abuse is the worst experience of my life.
So, I've done the disengagement with mixed results. I am no longer their slave, and their opportunities to abuse me are less frequent as I don't leave the door open for them to do this to me any more. There have been slip-ups, I have offered to help them at times, gone out of my way for them, only to be abused in return or later, and I know damn it Tara, don't ever let your guard down again. It hasn't worked in that my OH resents me for disengaging, and thinks I should take it all, never react, never show disgust at their behaviour, never complain, let it all ride over me and keep smiling, for their sake.
This has all run me into the ground completely, but that's not what this post is really about. What I want to ask you - you who have disengaged *without* an OH who agrees with your disengagement and *without* an OH who disciplines his children or takes any action - is about "acceptance".
I keep reading that acceptance (or leaving) are the only 2 choices we have. So what shape does acceptance take in your life and your household? When you see devastation (damage, extreme mess, destruction, contempt for your property, theft), what do you do and say? When they are rude to your OH and to you, what do you do? When you hear them speak of others with contempt, or hear how they have hurt someone else, or been rude to teachers, laugh at others' pain, what do you do?
Do you keep it all in 100% of the time? Do you ever say anything to anyone? Do you scream in another room? Do you show your disgust but say nothing? Do you tell your OH or show him the damage they have done?
What do you do, say or show?
Tara.
I'm sorry, I've justread over
I'm sorry, I've justread over your other posts and I would have been gone a long time ago. Your DuH is bending over backwards for his toxic, selfish, know-it-all spawn and expects you to just take it (as he does). Life on my own would seem so much sweeter than to live with a tyrant like that.
Why do you put up with this crap?
All of this.
All of this.
OP, you deserve to be treated better than this. Please consider going to therapy to figure out why you think you should settle for this treatment.
Why are you still there? What
Why are you still there? What happened to the breakup 1.5 years ago? This situation is unsalvageable. Please leave.
I had to determine the
I had to determine the dealbreakers (boundaries) for myself. If DH and skids couldn't accept that I needed certain minimal things, then I couldn't live with them.
I spent very little energy on trying to move my boundaries to accommodate or "accept" rudeness, stealing and lies.
I don't believe we can really
I don't believe we can really practice Acceptance without first getting real with ourselves and gaining clarity.
I wasted a lot of years avoiding facing the issues squarely. I was afraid to, because I knew that the truth was ugly and painful and would make it incumbent for me to make big changes my marriage might not survive. So I went along with the dysfunction until things got so bad and my self worth was so low that I was out of clucks to give. I hit a wall, and was done pretending.
Are you familiar with the term "make friends with reality"? That's what I did. I faced the truth squarely. I admitted my mistakes, and took DH down from the pedestal I'd put him on. And once I started living in truth, my fears dissipated and I got stronger. Then I stopped doormatting, and started drawing boundaries. I realized that I mattered, and needed to have limits or people would use me up. I saw that the core issues predated me by generations.
For me, Acceptance meant understanding that things had been broken for a long time and weren't going to get better because the players weren't interested in or capable of change. Accepting that meant the only thing I could change was myself. So I removed those people from my life, and was prepared to remove my DH if he didn't protect me from them. Things escalated for a bit as they often do when a boundary is first drawn, but my H ultimately chose his marriage and we have a peaceful life.
You are in a situation that is never going to change. Even if your H had no kids, he abuses you, and you should NOT accept that. Acceptance isn't going to work for you the way you want it to, because it doesn't make the unacceptable acceptable. You are in a bad marriage with a man who happens to be a shi!!y dad. HE is the problem; his brats are only the symptom. You can either remain and continue to be abused, or you can change yourself and leave. Acceptance distills your situation down to those two choices, and I hope you'll choose the latter.
I agree, I have moved to a
I agree, I have moved to a lot of what you have moved to really, which is why I talk about acceptance. Not accepting what they do - of course not, I will deplore and condemn it until my last breath - but accepting in a Zen way (!), such that I don't spend any energy on it, it doesn't consume me any more, I float above it.
I don't face issues squarely any more, but am occasionally faced with them, e.g. last week when adult SK went bezerk at me after I didn't give him the pandering answers he wanted when he was complaining about his useless job hunting. He wanted to hear "oh no, poor you, it sounds like you're trying everything, life is so hard for you, let me find a job for you on a plate", but instead I (extremely guardedly because he can turn just like that) was more "ok, have you tried this or that, why do you think that might work, is there something else you could do, oh you think there's no need to find a job for years, well that might not be accurate...". So he left the house, returned and went mad at me. Sky high obscenities, rudeness, comments about me and his dad, accusations. Examples like this, which thankfully are rare because I do try to quieten the Helpful Tara in me such that she never helps them EVER but sometimes she sees distress and stupidly tries to help, do force me to deal with stuff.
I know OH is a coward, I know he has failed pitifully at raising his kids properly, I know his pandering to them has co-created the ogres that they are. All of them are the problem. He has the reasons in him to do what he does - misguided, wrong on so many levels, selfish, destructive to us as well as them, but to him they are right, and disengagement has worked to some extent.
So when I talk of acceptance it's more like your fourth paragraph. I know totally they won't change and they'll just get worse. But thankfully they'll grow older and further away and we won't have to see them as often. Covid has been wonderful for us in that respect. But adult SK moved in - because he fell out with his mum, when she can't take any more of the result of her own poor parenting - and now the house is tainted again.
So I'm asking on a daily level, about what you all do in disengagement in terms of "acceptance" without letting their behaviour eat you up, drive you mad etc.
If you are already at the
If you are already at the crossroad of disengage or leave. You have gotten to the point where you have nothing to lose by putting yourself and your needs first. If DH can't accept it then you know what you have to do.
I fully disengaged at first. If the SKs broke something, needed something, made a mess. I would direct SO to take care of it. They were disrespectful, I either put my headphones in and ignored them or went out. In my case after a while SO didn't want to have to deal with it either, so suddenly he cared what they did and started addressing it. Plus SKs didn't have any opportunity to pick a fight with me, so in turn they turned on Thier father and he became the brunt of Thier verbal abuse.