Abuse.............how do you stop feeling guilty??
We've all known in some way, shape or form that woman that says "It's my fault.......my fault that he threatened to kill me...............my fault that he threw me around the room, kicked me and pushed me..........it's my fault that he is so mad............etc."
I never, ever in my life thought that I would become that woman. Sitting on the curb crying thinking damn it why did I say that? Why did I piss him off? Why couldn't I have just been smart enough to keep my damn mouth shut?
When the security guard came over to me, I heard myself say the stupidest thing in the world (even typing this I am blushing) "It was my fault, all my fault." She could see the red marks on my arms from where I was picked up by them. She could see the terror in my eyes. I'm sure that she could also tell that I had been drinking.
We had been out celebrating. No kids, no BM drama....and it was his birthday. The evening couldn't have been better. But after a few beers, I have a tendency to say what's on my mind, sans a filter.
I said....are you ready for this "Wow, there's a lot of strip clubs here. I guess it's a good thing your not with your friends or you would be visiting all of them." Which is totally not true, he hasn't been to one in years. Many years.
That was all it took to take a fabulous evening of fun into an evening of terror. My friends asked me if he hit me. I couldn't answer honestly, no he didn't. Somehow it would have been easier if he had. I could leave then. Right now I can't. I keep telling myself it was a fluke. It was because he was drunk. I know that many of you are going to read this and tell me that I'm a stupid woman (you don't think that I've heard that from everyone that I love??)
I'm just not ready to end this chapter of my life. I'm not ready to walk away from him or SD. Not ready in the slightest. Because for everything that SD does wrong and all the drama that she brings into my life, she also does a lot of good and I love her dearly.
I love him dearly as well.
All I want to know is how to stop feeling guilty? I've been abused in the past. Why is it that every abuser blames his victim? Is it to make it less hard for themselves but harder for the victim? And how can he even look at the finger shaped bruise on my arm and say "that looks like it hurts?"
He says it's my fault. That he's never done anything like that before. That I just make him so angry sometimes. But that he can't live without me in his life.
You know what? I'm tired of being a vicitm. That's not who I was meant to be. I'm tired of covering bruises and making up lies. I'm tired of feeling like less of a person, powerless. Next time I will fight back. I won't just sit there and cry and let him say all those nasty things. I will walk out and not look back.
Talking about it is a big
Talking about it is a big step forward!!! Abuse by a loved one is so confusing. It is easier to target people who have been abused in their past because once you've lived with it you are a bit conditioned emotionally. Meaning it loses some of the shock factor. It still hurts just as much every time it happens and the same questions always arise. Why did he go that far? What could I have done to differently? Etc. Etc.
There is that part of us that wants to hang on to some security we've found within this relationship. No one can tell you when you will be ready to get out. Only you will know when that moment happens and it will be difficult. All the familiar doubts will come creeping into your heart. It is hard to see what is possible for yourself when you are constantly stuck in the chaos and self blame.
There is a weird stereotype that a lot of people have about abuse victims. They think that victims think it is ok somehow. That is just not true. Victims want it to stop and know that the abuser is in the wrong. It goes much deeper than that.
Group counseling with other victims/survivors is really helpful I think. You get to be in a nonjudgmental environment and vent the hurt. You'd be surprised just how many beautiful and intelligent women suffer at the hands of a loved one. The most heinous thing about abuse is that is a form of control. It is often applied so gradually at first that we ignore the red flags until we are deeply mired.
As some one who survived it I can tell you I found myself again once I got out. That is the most wonderful thing of all. That little part of you that you lock inside and tell to shut up so you don't get abused, finally gets to shine again. It is a light so bright no abuser can extinguish. You are a thousand times stronger than you realize and you are not alone.
((((HUGS))))
There's a few ways this
There's a few ways this situation can go:
1. He kills you (not very likely, but possible)
2. You "fight back" and the situation escalates even further resulting in his death (not very likely but possible)
3. You "fight back" and the situation escalates even further resulting in someone going to jail (very possible)
4. You stay and put up with it. Every instance whittles away your self-esteem to where you actually believe you deserve this(likely)
5. The problem magically resolves itself and everyone lives happily ever after (not bloody likely)
6. You leave and it hurts but eventually you realize that no woman deserves to be treated this way and you live happier ever after (possible)
A wise counselor once asked me "How much longer can you live like this?" Only you can answer this question.
DisappointedMom - please
DisappointedMom - please listen to me. I am you a few years ago.
I have also felt it would be easier to leave if he hit me or cheated on me. Otherwise, it was because of Excuse A or he wouldn't have done it if only I would have Excuse B. ALCOHOL DOES NOT GIVE PEOPLE AN EXCUSE TO ACT LIKE AN ASSHOLE.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Actually, it IS your fault. You stay. That allows this to continue.
Please read a book that changed my life - The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.
This is NOT a true relationship and he will NOT change - unless he gets WORSE. Most verbally abusive people will resort to physical abuse after a while.
Please also go to a counselor. You need to work on yourself to realize that you do not deserve this type of treatment and you DEFINITELY don't need to feel GUILTY about it!
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk some more. I am leaving my H the end of this month.
I will get the book and I
I will get the book and I will read it. Thank you so much.
Sometimes love is not enough.
Sometimes love is not enough.
I teeter on that line. And
I teeter on that line. And the next day he was back to himself only more loving and sweet. I'm just so confused. I feel like I'm in a snow globe and someone just shook it for all they were worth.
I had no idea that abused women "attracted" guys that are abusive. I've been screwed since I was a little girl then. I had no idea that the problem wasn't me. I just honestly thought that because they all say that it my fault that it had to be. I try so hard to be such a good person and for the life of me I couldn't figure out what the HELL was wrong with me. What it was about ME that cause these men to act this way.
Oh sweet lady..it's not
Oh sweet lady..it's not you..it really is not you. Any man or woman for that matter that is physically or emotionally abusive is someone you do not need in your life.
You say you love him and I'm sure you do but you have to love yourself more. You cannot let anyone treat you like that.. My gosh he has a daugther how would he feel if a man did to her what he did to you??
He is an abuser and will not put on his big boy pants and act like a man..instead he blames you...
Please do something before he really hurts you...
All the best.. Z