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Abuse is not love

relationshipguru's picture

Abuse is not love. Putting up with abuse is not love either. It is called codepedence and enabling. Being a free maid, nanny, nurse, uber driver and doormat with no voice is not love. It is also codependence and enabling.  So many of these divorced parents are abusive narcissists with children who grow up to be abusers themselves. Please keep this in mind. I hope everyone is doing well.

caninelover's picture

I hope everyone reads and considers.  Thank you, and best for you as well.

how2step's picture

The type of thinking that is concerning is when someone thinks "If only I gave more of my time, labor and money to him and his kids everything would be better and him and his kids would be nicer to me. Then everything will be great" This is not true of course and is a very danergous way of thinking. An abuser should not expect you to give endless amounts of your time, labor, yourself and your money in order to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. Also grown adults should be financially responsible for themselves and their children and not rely on others to help them. Pay attention if you labeled a jerk, narcissist, selfish, mean, abusive or controlling if you stick up for yourself, if you speak up when their kids are being disrespectful/abusive towards you, if you call them out when you catch them in a lie, if you require them to have boundaries with their ex and you speak up for yourself when they expect you to pay for them or their kids. If you bring up the fact that their kids were disrespectful and it wasn't addressed, you don't like kids. If you catch them in a lie, you're controlling. If you don't give them money when they never ever have helped you financially, you're a selfish. If you ask them to have better boundaries with their ex, you're possessive. If you leave after being raged at, yelled at, abused and called names, you're a narcissist. If you can't be there for little Timmy's hundredth tball game or little Suzie's thousandth recital, when you haven't had a day off work and are exhausted, you're a jerk.

crystaloo's picture

If you want to be a nurse, maid, cook, uber driver, nanny, etc. by all means be one but GET PAID to do it! Never do it for free! You can always work for a hotel, hospital, daycare, restaurant, ride share service, private agency, etc and actually get paid for doing this type of work! I agree that grown adults should be capable of being financially responsible for themselves and their offspring without expecting others to always help them out. 

reedle2021's picture

Excellent post and I 100% agree.  I was in the same position where I paid for everything and was basically a doormat with no say in anything that went on in my own home.  I was expected to support DH and his 21 year old son, both unemployed, whilst they behaved like a married couple and I was entirely ignored.  They also bad-mouthed me - I overheard them multiple times and it was heartbreaking.  This situation was very abusive and yet when I protested I was told I was being selfish.  I had no idea what I was dealing with until I found support and information on this site.  It set me free.  

It wouldn't have mattered how much money or how much of myself I poured into my marriage or into a relationship with my SS, it was never going to be enough.  The self-abuse has stopped and I'll be out in 4 days.

Take care all!  :) 

 

 

Rags's picture

They are equity life partners.  That said, if something is so out of balance that equity is not present, confronting the slacking partner is absolutely critical. 

In blended family marriages/partnerships, imbalance is brutally obviouse and needs to be brutally addressed. Particularly when the breeder parent of an ill behaved Skid is dropping the partner ball on managing their spawn's behavior and performance, and ... taking all possible pressure off of their partner regarding the care, feeding, support, etc... of prior relationship failed family spawn.

In our case, we kept it pretty much between the lines.  But our blend was about as close to an intact initial family and old school gender roles as a  blended marriage can likely get.  At least the first few years.

SS was under 2yo when we married. My DW was a SAHM until he started school (kindergarten) and was in school herself.  When SS started school, DW went to work.  Because she was bored stiff being home alone all day while SS was at school.

I was the sole income up to that point.  She worked very close to home while she was completing her undergrad degree and to SS it was transparent. She walked him to the bus stop (less than 150ft) in the AM and met his bus when he got home.

StepUltimate's picture

"Abuse is not love. Putting up with abuse is not love either."

Agree with everything you wrote!