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5yo stepson in 1 bedroom apartment

ReluctantSM27's picture

Hi, I’m new here. I’ve been struggling with the SM thing for a while now and am getting mixed messages from my friends and family. I’ve been wanting to get a completely unbiased outsider’s opinion for a while, but it never occurred to me to use message boards until this one popped up in a google search!

In a nutshell: SO and I have been together for a bit over a year now. SO has a 5yo DS. BM got the family home in the settlement, and has been legally made SS’s sole custodian, with a clause for visitation rights to be verbally negotiated between them as required. Due to financial reasons, SO has been living in a share house for the last couple of years, and having SS pretty much whenever he’s not been working (ie weekends, public holidays and 4 weeks over summer when he takes annual leave). SS has slept on a mattress on the floor in his room for that time. SS and I get along ok, but we have very different personalities – I’m quiet and introverted, and he is the highest energy most extroverted in your face kid I’ve ever met lol!

SO and I would like to take our relationship to the next level and move in together. I have a one bedroom apartment which I bought brand new (after struggling through my own divorce and settlement arrangements) not long before we got together and absolutely love. SO has moved in on a trial basis to see how we all cope (not contributing financially as he still has his room in the share house for now), as obviously it’s not ideal for SS. We won't be able to afford to move anywhere bigger for at least a couple of years. To try to improve the situation, SO has managed to renegotiate the visitation arrangements so that we now have SS on a fortnightly basis for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights, and the following Thursday night.

We have just had our 3rd weekend under these arrangements, and I feel like it’s just not going to work. SS complains that my house is too small and boring, none of us are able to have our own space, there’s no room for him to play, he has to sleep on the sofa bed in the living room (which BM has an issue with), if I wake up before SO in the morning I’m not comfortable leaving the bedroom in case I wake up SS. And on school nights, SO and I are confined to the bedroom after 7pm when SS gets put to bed, if I decide to go out I need to tiptoe straight to the bedroom in the dark when I get home (usually I would relax with a cup of hot chocolate before bed), and in the morning SO has to wake SS up at 5:30am to get to before school care as he starts work at 7am.

SO is quite happy with the arrangements as they stand, and doesn’t seem to think that it’s an issue for SS at all. Am I being unreasonable in feeling a little invaded and not wanting to have SS on school nights?

Harry's picture

Why is, or does your SO have no money.  Why can’t he move you into a bigger place where SS has his own  room.  Why are you involved with someone who can’t even take care of his son.??  What to you think of what the future is going to look like ???   Or back to why does SO has no monry.??? You can’t live like that where nothing happens after 7 pm because SS is sleeping in living room.    Put SS in bedroom and you sleep in the living room is one solution 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

If you really feel the issue is because your 1 person apartment is too small for 3 people, could you possibly rent it out so you and your SO could rent something with 2 bedrooms and split the cost in 1/3s? Give a larger living arrangement a test run without obligating yourself or losing your apartment that fits you?

 

TrueNorth77's picture

This situation is definitely not a long-term solution. I mean, we live in a 3 bedroom house, (2 skids, SD9 and SS12), and even THAT isn’t big enough because I feel like I have nowhere to go to get away from skids. My SO works 3rd shift so he goes to bed at 6:30pm, meaning the bedroom isn’t an option for me to hang out in. We have a living room, but SD is almost always there too, and we don’t have another room for me to go to talk on the phone, be alone...I hate it. I have told my SO I need my own space, so we are currently house-hunting, and one of the requirements is a “safe room” for me to be able to get away if I need to.

Your situation is muchhhh worse than mine. If i couldn’t even relax on the couch or watch tv at night I would become unhappy very quick. You should be able to feel comfortable in your own house. And it is YOUR house. I would be honest with your SO and tell him that you are used to a routine that includes hanging on the couch, not having to tiptoe around, and it just won’t work long-term. I would strongly suggest you don’t let them move in. 

I honestly think your best bet is for your SO to keep his place, and him and SS sleep there the nights he has SS, until you are able to move Into a larger place. Unless you do as someone above suggested and rent your apt out. Living with a skid is hard, so honestly your SO sleeping at his own place when he has SS would be a pretty sweet gig that most of us would die to have. Living with a skid who is always up in your space and ruins your routine is almost unbearable. 

ndc's picture

What is your SO's financial situation?  Can he afford to get a 2 bedroom place?  How is his shared house working with SS?  I'm assuming he must have use of more of the house than just his bedroom or SS wouldn't be complaining about your place being too small.  I'm also assuming that moving into a shared house would not work for you at all.

I don't see how having the three of you in a 1 bedroom apartment would work other than in the very short term.  It would be difficult if SS was your bio; living in very close quarters with an unrelated, very active child sounds absolutely miserable.  Your SO is fine with the arrangement because it's not all that much different from what he has right now (1 bedroom) and it's HIS son, so he's going to be more tolerant, but it doesn't matter if he's fine with it if you are not.

Sonofabrisketmaker's suggestion sounds like a good one if you want to try living together in a decent situation; trying to live together in your apartment sounds like a disaster in the making that will probably ruin your relationship with your SO.  My inclination would be to live separately until you're able to get a place large enough to give you plenty of space to escape from the chaos of having a small child.

elkclan's picture

I hear you. I'm in a better situation than you, but because of the housing market we're about to go to three kids (2 his, 1 mine) in a 2 bedroom house. Fortunately we have 2 reception rooms so we can keep 1 small common area and turn the other into a bedroom. We had big plans to move but because of Brexit I don't know when that will be. 

still learning's picture

Loss for the kid who is now in a very cramped space.

Loss for you. Now you have a freeloading SO and his cooped up kid.

WIN for SO who now has a woman who allows him to freeload and contribute nothing while he pays on another place.  

You're making an awful lot of sacrifices to be in this relationship.  It sounds like you're finally reaching a baseline normalcy after your own divorce and now you're scooping up the spoils of someone else's family trainwreck.  Your SO is extremely selfish for not considering how this is affecting you or his kid, he only cares about what he wants.  

I can tell you from personal experience how miserable it is to live with a high energy kid in a small apartment.  He's going to want to jump, run, bang on the walls, yell, turn the TV up too loud, and eventually you'll get complaints from your neighbors unless he's being taken outside or constantly redirected.  

Why are you doing this to yourself???!!! 

Healyourslf's picture

It's a good thing this is a "trial basis." The issues are already surfacing and you can still put your foot down before drowning in the deluge of step suffocation.  You have worked hard to get yourself back on your feet and I am sure that you put all the wonderful, homey touches into your one bedroom that would attract any financially-burdened, heat-seeking parasite. Respect your own needs before you lose sight of them through the rose-colored glasses. 

SO is taking advantage of the situation - both finanacially and residentially.  Your statements point to problem areas that are only going to escalate 1) SS is high energy and intrusive to your quiet nature 2) your boundaries have been invaded making you unable to relax in your own home 3) SO is clueless about how this is affecting you and not considerate of your feelings - "SO is quite happy with the arrangements as they stand."   

SO needs to get his own life together FIRST, particularly where finances and having room for his SS are concerned. Those two things should be on HIS shoulders, not yours. Moving in with you is an "easy way out." It's a "turn-key solution" for a guy in his situation. Do not invite this situation in. Hold "your" space and let him rise up to meet you.  "Don't invite the vampire in and give him blood." 

Winterglow's picture

This is not a situation that you can continue with for very long. Why?

  • SS hates it,
  • You hate it,
  • BM hates it.

The only one who is sitting pretty here is your SO. He is giving up nothing for this situation and you are giving up your entire world! Why on earth would you want to do that? Nope. Not good. Tell your SO that this isn't working out and that you want to go back to what you had before. Let him come and spend the night but not move in. If he won't then you'll know he's not the one for you because he doesn't care about your feelings or comfort. In other words, he's only looking out for himself. 

hereiam's picture

I would suggest that SO NOT move in and when he has his son (especially, on school nights), they stay at SO's place.

Why move in together before your SO is back on his feet, financially?

It might feel like the relationship is ready for that "next level" but your SO is not.

Totalybogus's picture

Listen to hereiam.  Your SO still has his own place.  Let him stay there with the child during his visitation.  He can come back over to your house when the boy goes home.

ReluctantSM27's picture

Thank you all for your responses and input. I pretty much agree with everything that has been said, but had lost a bit of perspective with most people around me (including SO) insuating that I'm overreacting. Hence the need for completely unbiased outside opinions!

I have worked very hard to build a happy and comfortable life for myself after my own divorce, and definitely don't want to lose that. You are absolutely right that it's not up to me to provide a home for SO's son. I'm feeling a lot of pressure to be the provider in this family, and it's one reason why I'm as yet unwilling to move out of my own home that's perfect for me. If we're going to do a trial run, he needs to be able to provide the larger place so that I can return to my own home at any time if required (if I rent it out, I'll lose access to it for a whole year).

SO made his decisions long before I appeared, based on what he thought would be best for SS and assuming that he wouldn't meet anyone for a long time. Without getting into too many specifics, he basically gave BM everything and became her guarantor so that SS would have a nice house and she wouldn't have to work (she is able to rent out extra bedrooms to supplement her government support). He is locked into that contract for another 5 years. He also started an apprenticeship in a new career as there was a lot of travel involved with his previous job, and has just started his second year (of four). However, despite the circumstances and the fact that they have legally and financially set her up to the sole custodian, she puts a lot of pressure on SO to have SS as close to 50% as possible as she believes that is what's best for SS. He still pays full child support despite the fact that he has SS 30-40%, and also pays half of his private school fees.

I'm keen to settle down with someone again, get married, buy a house, perhaps have a baby of my own (but time is running out)... I don't really want to 'date' for the next 3-5 years living in separate houses and hardly seeing SO every second weekend and for 4 weeks over summer. Unfortunately his previous decisions have made it very difficult for us.

hereiam's picture

Yeah, it doesn't sound like this guy is really in a position to be "all in" in a serious relationship and all that it entails. He is still in a partnership with his ex, where does that leave you? Subsidizing him and the ex, that's where.

Every decision you try to make as a couple, will hinge on his "contract" with her. And don't think that it will end in 5 years, she will not let it go that easy, even if his legal obligation is fulfilled.

SteppedOut's picture

Agree with hereiam. 

"Love" is not enough. Let me repeat that. "Love" is not enough. 

You want an EQUAL PARTNER, espeically if you want your own children. You will, likely, never have that with this man. 

Your life, wants, and goals to do not match with what he is able to meet in the middle with. Cut your losses and find someone who can, and WANTS TO, meet you in the middle, not force you into what works best for them.