50/50 custody
Forums:
For any of you stepmoms or biomoms who share half and half custody is it standard for you to split childcare costs down the middle? My boyfriend's ex only has to pay for 1 childcare day and she's off on Tuesdays. My boyfriend has to pay for Wed Thurs and Fri approximately 12 hr days give or take an hour or two. Is it fair if they share 50 50 custody for him to have to cover all that alone?
It sounds like the way it
It sounds like the way it works out is that she covers 2 of the days during the week and your BF covers 3. that may not be completely equal.. but it's not far off. (the fact she doesn't work a day.. she is still covering the child's care that day).
Now, I think you are not in the US.. so your laws may be different. But, in the states it is not unusual for someone to still have to pay CS.. even with 50/50.. if they earn more than the EX.. it is not unusual for them to still pay. So if your BF makes more than her.. then it is possible that him taking on more days of care is not unfair.
I am assuming they are divorced and this was the agreement THEY agreed on. At this point.. what you or I think is "fair" really makes no difference. This is what is in their agreement.. it is.. what it is.
I live in New York. I've
I live in New York. I've heard that sometimes you get stuck paying for child support even with 50 50. My boyfriend makes probably 3 times what she does. He has 4 other kids he pays child support for though from a previous marriage.
They did agree on this yes, but this agreement was prior to me stating that I refuse to watch their kids without being given any money so now my boyfriend is upset that he has to give me money and his sister for the day I'm not free which is wed part of the day.
Your agreeing or not agreeing
Your agreeing or not agreeing to watch his kid.. has nothing to do with his CO with his EX and it isn't even a change in circumstances because he had this in place before you were even on the scene.
Your BF makes more than his EX.. but he has other kids too... Do you think you might want to rethink a relationship with a guy that runs through women and baby mamas at that rate?
His kid is NOT your responsibility. If you were not around.. what would he do?
Now, if he is offering you the opportunity to live at a much higher level of living than you could on your salary alone.. or allowing you to not work at all... you might consider that watching his kid is what he considers part of the deal/tradeoff. If that is the case.. you can decide whether you want to agree to those terms... or perhaps contribute more financially?
In the end.. a guy with multiples of kids with multiples of women would not be my first choice.
His current custody order was
His current custody order was not in place before I met him. He didn't have custody at the time. The kids lived with their mother and he saw them frequently. This order was made four months ago and since he would like me to watch his kids it affects me.
I am wary of his past and he knows that. He has been working on gaining my full trust of him. He got married very young the first time and didn't realize they were so incompatible.
If I wasn't around he would hire someone.
We don't live together so that doesn't apply. My boyfriend doesn't want his future wife to work anyway. I would rather work in the home so we are in agreement there. However he knows my conditions are that I need to feel fully taken care of in order to feel safe to stay home so he's working on doing that. Ex. By giving me some money to take care of his kids.
Thanks for the concern, but it's not something I will legally enter into lightly and I won't live with him ever again unless we get engaged.
His CO does NOT affect you.
His CO does NOT affect you. You are not a party to that CO.
What does affect you is that he has an expectation that you will watch his child because you are in a relationship with him.
I'm guessing that he makes a good amount of money.. and it sounds like you are looking at this "golden goose" opportunity to not have to work and be taken care of in a pretty good style by this guy. Likely he is "for" that because he has a fairly traditional/old fashion view of what women should do. ie be in the home serving their men.
Just to be clear.. in his mind.. as the woman.. it is your job to watch the kids. A guy that tells a woman that he prefers she not work but take care of the home is going to lump child care in that bucket.
Now, right now, you aren't living with him. So, technically you aren't reaping the rewards of being able to stay at home without having to work for money. So.. he is giving you money to watch his child (reluctantly though).
Honestly, it can't be "that" much that he is paying you. Do you think that he will possibly be equallly chintzy with giving you an allowance if you DO ever move in and be his wife? AND.. certainly when he is putting a roof over your head and covering all your needs.. you can BET his expectation is you WILL watch his child(ren) .. with no particular amount of compensation over and above what he already will be providing.
Just think long and hard about this because while it might be enticing to have visions of being able to stay at home and not work.. it's likely that you will end up trading off some freedoms and you may have a much smaller voice in your home when it comes to making decisions.. He who pays decides.. She who takes sits there , looks pretty and keeps her mouth shut.
I'm not saying you are a gold digger or just after him for what he can give you.. but when someone is offering you what he is.. and making demands on you already.. think about what it might be like in the future when you have zero leverage as the person making no financial contributions to the home.
I have been thinking about
I have been thinking about this long and hard. I'm not going to willingly put myself in a bad situation. As of the last few months he has been more open minded to my ideas and thoughts on things. If in the future something changes and we cannot come to an agreement then we won't be together. While I love him and we share a good time and bond he is not the last man on Earth. I don't love him more than my own sanity and well being. If he can't provide the life he says he wants to give to myself and his kids then that's okay. Sometimes things don't work out.
My boyfriend is traditionally minded as am I. That doesn't mean I will be without money. I'll have side businesses. I like to take care of my house and cook really healthy meals from scratch. I'm a health coach. I will not be taking care of someone else's kids unless I am compensated. I will not change my mind even if we marry. I'll take care of my house, cook, I'll take care of my own child and I'll run errands. If my boyfriend can't accept that then he can leave and find a better suited girlfriend. It doesn't really matter to me if he thinks children are women's work. If that's truly how he feels he can put his money where his mouth is and give full custody to their mother then.
A man who would hold over their wife's head that she doesn't make the money therefore has no say is not a man I'm interested in. That sounds like an emotionally and financially abusive man.
If he is providing you a
If he is providing you a place to live and providing for your expenses .. food etc.. then he IS compensating you in a "like kind" way. That is why he will feel he is justified asking you to watch his kid because he is covering the cost of housing you.. etc.
The amount of money he would
The amount of money he would have to pay a nanny is much more than what would be considered my portion of the bills. He would be paying a nanny about $2000 a month perhaps a little more. It wouldn't even be right to ask for half seeing that he needs a bigger home to accommodate all these kids. The same goes for the food bill and the electric. It's actually cheaper to have me there than not for him. Also he wasn't paying for all of my food when I lived there or my cell phone, car insurance, car maintenance (even though I put tons of miles on my car driving his kids home far away for 2 years...) Or any other random thing I needed. He was benefitting a lot more from me than vice versa if we want to look at it that way. That's why I had to put my foot down about the money now.
Equity life partnership is
Equity life partnership is not measured on a balance sheet and income statement. My mom was a SAHM our whole childhood and is far and beyond my father's equity life partner. He is a great dad, husband and provider. She is the miracle worker at the heart of the family. They have been BFFs, lovers, partners, parents, GPs and adventure buddies for nearly 57 years.
My dad would never try to present her with a balance sheet/income statement and she would not tolerate it if he did.
A financial statement is not how equity life partnerships work IMHO.
When my DW of nearly 25 years and I married she was a single teen mom full time college student working two part time jobs. I had just finished my engineering degree. I wanted a version of what I had witnessed my parents having. I did not want DW to be the home maker. I wanted her to be whatever she chose to be. I was just interested in going through life with her.
So.... that is the journey we are on. And for damned sure I would not want her to create a balance sheet of our equity life partnership. I would not show well on that balance sheet. Though I make an extremely comfortable living for us she also has a very successful career and ... she manages all of our finances..... etc, etc, etc...... I find the outsource opportunities to get the every day stuff dealt with. She does all of the important stuff.
Stick to your guns on all of this. If you are not comfortable with it all..... don't move forward in the relationship.
Take care of you.
Often in blended family type marriages there is a tendency to not completely weave or split the blanket between the equity life partners. So there is this odd mid ground that forms that IMHO is not stable ground for creating a life long relationship between the partners.
Thank you for the wise words.
Thank you for the wise words. I will keep them in mind
Nothing is fair when it comes
Nothing is fair when it comes to divorced, children, and child support. I believe that each parent is responsible for the childs welbeing in their home but it gets sticky when you have child care where either the child goes or doesn't and they won't accept a week on week off aragement.
I don't think it's up to her to pay for child care during HIS time. She should pay for the 1 day she uses it and MAYBE the second day if it HAS to be paid for to keep the child enrolled. However the 3 days that are during his time and there for him benefiting from? That's on him.
They don't do one week on one
They don't do one week on one week off. The mother does Fri night through Tues night and my bf does Tues night through Fri night. They're also not in daycare I'm watching them on his time. He's just upset because I said I can't do it without being given some money so now he's spending a lot on childcare.
And you had every right to do
And you had every right to do that but that is the aftermath. He had to find an alternative way to ensure the kids are cared for on his time. That’s on him. She provides for her time and him his. He doesn’t have to pay for a babysitter if she wants to go on a date Saturday night.
He can be upset all he wants but just like he isn’t entitled to your help he isn’t entitled to her money.
He claims he doesn't mind
He claims he doesn't mind giving me money but he's upset that I won't be around for part of the day on Wednesday so he has to pay his sister and he doesn't want to. ( Oh well too bad)
Interesting. He is worried
Interesting. He is worried about having to pay child support. He makes more money.
My SO has 50/50. They do a 5
My SO has 50/50. They do a 5/5/2/2 schedule, so over the course of 2 weeks they have an equal number of weekdays. Currently I watch the kids 4 weekdays and BM watches them on her day off, so we're handling more than our share. But previously when the kids went to a babysitter they split the cost 50/50 (although at that point, since BM still kept them on her day off, she was paying more than her share).
My SO doesn't pay me, but he brings in most of the income and pays most household expenses, so I'm fine with the arrangement. If you want to be paid, though, your BF should pay you. If that doesn't work with his agreement with BM, that's his problem to sort out. If he's making 3x what she is, he's lucky he's not paying CS. In my state he'd be paying a percentage of the income differential.
Your SO doesn't have to pay
Your SO doesn't have to pay child support?
He doesn't currently pay CS.
He doesn't currently pay CS. If she wanted to take him to court for it, she could get a small amount, since there is a small differential in their incomes. But I can tell you that it's much easier to be flexible with trading time and covering some of her weekend "date nights," providing child care during some of her custody time while she's working, and paying for more of the extras when there's no CS involved.
Definitely! That's good your
Definitely! That's good your SO doesn't have to pay CS.
They split daycare 50 50 when
They split daycare 50 50 when the kids went for about 6 months. The BM has never asked him for child support even when she had them full time. He is very very lucky. He also only pays $800 a month in CS for 4 other kids from his ex wife. Unfortunately I do need him to pay me as I wouldn't have my basic needs met without it.
Child support
Is generally based on the two incomes. Why should you provide free childcare - I did that and got zero gold stars. I got called a "non-working c@nt", and was put down as a woman too. It was unrelated to me providing childcare, but the point is that no one appreciates when you provide free childcare.
If your BF makes more money it is likely that he will have to pay child support.
I agree 1000 percent. No one
I agree 1000 percent. No one does appreciate it when you do it for free which is why I'm not doing it for free. Originally he was buying me some things I needed here and there but I decided it's not enough.
yes, Good
Sometimes you have to just stand your ground. I am currently backing off - I provided a lot for munchkin and it wasnt apprecated at all. I bought her special outfits (that she still wears three years later!) and art supplies, and all kinds of things. I pay half her phone bill, too.
This year, for me, is a new fresh stat and attitude. Her mother, Toxic Troll can pay for things like nail appointments and back to school shopping. Or her father. I have let go of the notion that I need to provide for my step daughter.
Hi...interesting set up that
Hi...interesting set up that your BF tried to have pan out. Hmmm,,,my girlfriend will watch my kids for free since she is with WONDERFUL amazing me.
Your no push over. Be proud of yourself for that..and I tip my hat to you!!! reminding your boyfriend caring for kids IS NOT FREE.
I think based on what you wrote---the child care costs split between his ex and you seems fair.
Honestly this forum has
Honestly this forum has helped me in more ways I could even explain. I've felt heard here and it has helped me to find my voice.
Hahaha yes my boyfriend tried
Hahaha yes my boyfriend tried his very hardest to gaslight and guilt me into watching them. Unfortunately for him I can see through that lol but, I will say he is quite the determined individual.
Thanks so much! It was really hard for me to stand up for myself and create waves but I survived yay.
Fair doesn't come in to it.
Fair doesn't come in to it. It depends on what was negotiated in a private CS settlement or what your state calculates based on income and possibly overnights or primary custody.
If this is still your BF only, stay out of financial obligations relating to his child/ren. His commitments to his children will be ahead of him needing to contribute to you meeting your basic expenses. Honestly, this is not a healthy situation for you to be in, as down the line, you are going to resent him paying money for his kids because you feel entitled to being supported. Your question of "fair" already hints at this. It would also be wise for him to formalise all CS arrangements so it doesn't come back to bite him and end in an arrear situation.
Ordinarily I would agree with
Ordinarily I would agree with what you're saying however, my boyfriend wants me to care for his children over a random nanny he would have to pick. If he can't support all of us in order for me to do that then he shouldn't ask this of me. I originally asked this question about whether it was fair or not because my boyfriend is annoyed he has to pay more for childcare now then the mother, but too bad lol.
of course he wants YOU to
of course he wants YOU to watch his chidlren over a babysitter (he cant afford a Nanny) ....of course he does.
My comment has nothing to do with your qualities...but everything to do with HIM bsing you.
If you were not around what would he do, find another girl to fit the position? OR pay for daycare or a babysitter?
He would probably have to
He would probably have to give them to the mother because he leaves at 5:30 am. Daycare isn't open then.
We did not have 50/50. My
We did not have 50/50. My wife had 100% physical and legal custody. BioDad had 7wks of visitation per year (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) and paid CS. Part of his CS was for half of the after school care costs for SS.
He rarely had the kid but he paid for half of after school care. At 12yo that element of CS could be dropped at the behest of either party. We of course did not initiate that and oddly neither did the SpermClan.
I've read your other posts
I've read your other posts about this part of your son's family. At least the bio dad contributed this small amount since he didn't do much else.
Honestly I wish he didn't have half custody. I know it's not my call to make though. Although it would be cheaper for him to give her child support and part of that go to after school care or something like that for his daughter. Plus she barely sees her dad anyway with his schedule so she could at least see her mom that way.
Interestingly in our case
Interestingly in our case though CS was awarded and required from the BioDad, he never paid a penny. His mommy always paid it for him. Because there was no impact on him personally and his parents just kept funding his out of wedlock breeding career with underaged women he just kept having kids. Sadly it was not that he couldn't support his kids. He is a licensed plumber and capable of making a decent living. For some reason his mommy did not want her little boy's life to be impacted by his crappy decisions. So she kept him on the parental payroll. SpermGrandDad detests him. As do his two eldest children.
Each time we ended up in court they would try to have CS completely dropped due to my income. So we started motioning for the SpermGrandParent's income to be added to the SpermIdiot's for CS calculation purposes. That would just about cause the SGPs to stroke out. They would start whining about what difference did it make who paid the CS as long as it was being paid and what differerence did it make if their son and his rotating stable of baby mamas was living in their rental property rent free, etc, etc, etc.... Even the judge was annoyed by it to the point that she explained that their paying his CS, rent, and raising his younger children in their home with no support from him was added income to him and could be considered for CS calculation purposes. Those were some fun days in court, if there is such a thing as a fun day in family law court. The judge never did actually add the SGPs income for CS calculation purposes but watching them turn purple when we countered their attempts at my income by going after theirs was always entertaining.
Ugh these people are really
Ugh these people are really toxic. Thank goodness you came into your wife's life. They're lucky to have you. You seem like a real no nonsense man.