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12 yr old stepson being malicious and distructive

nappisan's picture

Hi All ,, ive joined this website as im in dire straights as of what to do about my 12yr old SS and his scary behaviour as im about to leave my relationship with his father because of this.  Background - Ive been with my partner for 7yrs, i have a 17yr old son from a previous relationship and he has two sons 28 & 12 (different mothers). The two eldest boys are great young men and get along as if they were blood brothers.  My partner always had full custody of the eldest boy and the mother has never been involved.   The 12yr old SS however is shared custody with the biological mother 50/50 , the parents seperated before the child was old enough to know what was going on, I have been in the childs life since he was 4.   The 12 yr old has always had some behavioural issues from early on ,,, stealing ,lying and manipulating,, but now his behaviour has become scary and unpredicable for me but neither one of his parents hold him accountable or he has no consequences.    I own my own home which we all reside in except the eldest boy.  Things have been getting worse over the last 12months with 12yr SS stealing money from me, my 17 yr old, his dad , his mum and stepdad.  He lies for the sake of lying with no remorse and of late hes been maliciously vandelising my personal belongings.  He is slashing my fridge with knives , scratching my cars , scratching the microwave, carving graffiti into wooden furniture with knives, he slashed my tea towel with a chefs knife, theres slash marks on my timber kitchen bench , the list goes on. He isnt outward violent or aggressive ,all of this is done in a very sly and malicious manner of him thinking no one will find out ,, which makes me very uncomfortable.   Last week he went into my bedroom and stole a phone, i confronted him about this only to have his bedroom door shut on me,, 30 mins later i find dents all down the side of my stainless steel fridge.  We discovered a secert instagram account he had that consisted of all school fighting videos and private messages he had been sending to girls asking for pictures (remember hes only 12!), when he didnt get the answers from them he wanted , he proceeded to call them sl*ts and b*tches.  His father / my partner puts  work as his first priority, not that he pays the bills as we all live at my property and i pay the house bills.     Neither of the parents punish this kid or hold him accountable or anything.  Im being disrespected in my own home yet get treated like the wicked witch when i bring these SERIOUS issues forward,, i cant take it anymore.  The child has no remorse or empathy for anything and knows the difference between right & wrong, i have sourced out child psychologists ,counsellors etc but neither parent do anything about it and im so worried i have a child sociopath on our hands.  This child has been given everything he wants and i feel the parents have done this because they feel guilty about their breakup (which happened when the kids was 2)  Im at the point where the child is no longer welcome in my home as im uncomfortable and getting very worried he may hurt me or my pets.  but that also means the end of my relationship as my partner gets so defensive ... lose / lose situation all round for me.  Does anyone have any advice please ?????              

Kelly_thestepmum_in20s's picture

Sorry for all these you above mentioned. Are you guys married or just in long term committed relationship? If not, you've have all the right to tell them to pack their things and go. Since your partner & BM does nothing when it comes to their S.

This kid has too much freedom which enables him to do all that with no consequences. 

tog redux's picture

This boy has Conduct Disorder ("A repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior in which the basic rights of others or major age-appropriate societal norms or rules are violated. These behaviors include aggressive conduct that causes or threatens physical harm to other people or animals, nonaggressive conduct that causes property loss or damage, deceitfulness or theft, and serious violations of rules. The onset is before age 18")

Your DH needs to get him a therapist unless he wants to visit his son in prison in the future (and honestly, even therapy might not prevent that - but it's worth a try).

If he won't, I wouldn't continue living there, personally. It's not fair to you or your son to have to put up with this while the boy's parents turn a blind eye.

SteppedOut's picture

Her husband/significant other moved in with her... HE and his deviant son can move out!

OP, there is no way in h3ll I would live like this! Does his father replace or pay for all the damage? Or do you have to cover that IN ADDITION to paying all the bills? Why isn't he paying any bills anyway? 

Siemprematahari's picture

Your nonparenting H and his out of control son who clearly needs help need to NOW! This is your home, your property and this behavior will only escalate. I'd hate for this kid to attack you and your H sitting idly by doing NOTHING. He can't place his job 1st and not address this serious matter. 

You need a coming to Jesus chat with him and if he doesn't take steps to remedy this very dysfunctional behavior......he needs to go!

nappisan's picture

thanks for all the responses.     my partner and i arent married, just a long term relationship.  Ever since i came into the SS life ive tried to be a stable figure ,, i would take him places and do things with him,, ive taken him to nutritionist counsellers because his eating habits are terrible and getting worse which certainly contributes to his behaviour....he only eats sausages , hot chips or mash, popcorn, white bread and pasta only made by certain people for breakfast /lunch/ dinner,, his parents will cater to this by even taking him seperate meals if we attend xmas day or dinner at someone elses house etc...his grandmother will also cook him a whole seperate meal at family occasions,,,,,what a joke.  Yes i feel this kid needs more than a kick up the ass and so does his parents.  Tog, im with you on this one , i believe the SS has a conduct disorder and for the sake of everyone involved ive tried countless times to get him to a phycologist to at least try and give the kid a chance whilst growing up however once again ,, im met with being the wicked witch and disrespected in my own home.  No damaged items get replaced nor does the SS ever get spoken to about half of these things as he goes back and forth every week between parents , i will be the one to kick up a stink about it only to be met with backlash of how over worked and stressed my partner is all the time ... boo hoo I get stressed and work my ass off too! .  SS is shared 50/50 , week with us and week with the BM,, which i think this arrangement is terrible to begin with and i think it purely caters to the biological parents as im pretty sure neither of them want to deal with him full time as he demands excessive amounts attention all the time 24/7 and if he doesnt get it he will sit and sulk like a toddler. As my partner works mostly 7 days a week , im stuck at home most weekends to supervise the SS as i cant trust him to be alone for even an hour in my house,,, why i do this im really not sure,, i guess ive always tried to be a supportive and involved partner and work as part of a team but clearly i dont ever get this in return!   Im sick of aplogizing to my 17 yr old for having his privacy violated and things stolen from his room every other week. My own son is hardley ever around anymore when the SS arrives back from the BM house as the household energy turns into stress and we walk around on egg shells the whole time , usually because my partner is so highly strung from work and doesnt have any mental capacity left for home life/ issues,,, which cuts me deep to the bone that work is the 1st priority on his list, looking back it always has been i guess.   the hard thing is that ive put all into our relationship and gone out of my way to help with anything to make things easier for my partner but reading all this back , im really only being used as a doormat for them to disrespect me in my own home, both father and son.  I was previously married but lost my husband in an accident 10 yrs ago and looking back , i met this man when i was very vunerable and i did everything to make sure he was looked after and happy , taking care of them first over myself.  The SS comes back from the BM house on friday        


Winterglow's picture

If your SO isn't there, his son stays at his mother's. End of story. You are not his nanny.

Your son should feel comfortable in his home and shouldn't be walking on eggshells. 

It's time your SO replaced all of the things his son has damaged or ruined. That's just common decency. Anything less is disrespect.

It's also time your SO got therapy to help him cope with real life and the fact that work isn't everything. Is he working so much to avoid dealing with reality?

Your SO should be footing his share of the bills - maybe if he pays for things and sees them destroyed it might light a fire under him to deal with his son.

If he puts work first, is always stressed, and works 7 days a week then where does that leave you? How does he consider you? Think that one over carefully. How happy are you to be footing the bills, playing nanny to his kid, looking after him and his kid for the pleasure of dealing with a highly strung stress puppy and a destroyer? Is that all you are to him; a convenience? Oh, wait, you're around for sex (which is a great stress reliever).

Sit down with a piece of paper and write all the good things about your relationship on one side and all of the bad things on the other and then compare the two. Ready to kick them out yet? I sure as heck would be. THere is no man who is worth what this one is putting you and your son through.

nappisan's picture

thanks winterglow, you are 100% correct in everything you say.  ive told my SO its time he went back to his own house and dealt with his son, and wether he actually deals with him ,, i dont really care.  Ive always been a highly spirited person and they have left me with no spark left that i hardly know what i want anymore.  

ndc's picture

Do the right thing for yourself and your son and get your SO and his ill-behaved child out of your house.

Rags's picture

The only people in this who will lose is you, if you do not confront both the toxic Skid and your ball-less SO.

The first thing to do is cover that entire house with web cams and put that Skid on total surveilance.  Then put the footage of the vandalizm, etc... in front of daddy any time SS pulls his juvenile delinquent crap.  If DH does not use the facts to address the crap behaviors of his toxic spawn, then .... congratulations on your new life with this tragedy fading into your past.

Tolerating toxic is a choice.  Keep that in mind.  No need to keep tolerating it. 

Make a better choice.

Good luck.

nappisan's picture

after having the SS gone from my house over the last week great, my sons room hasnt been rumaged through and the peace and quiet is amazing.  I heard the SS has already been suspended from school for fighting ,, its only the first week of year 7 for peets sake!  its amazing how fast i have detached from all this and how disrespected and used i was.