12 year old and alcohol
I may have posted something about this in the past, but it has yet to be addressed by dh or myself or reported to bm. When we were on vaca this summer-ss evidently drank about a 1/4 to 1/2 a bottle of one of my alcoholic beverages-it was a grape smirnoff ice. He evidently did it in front of my 13 year old dd-he told her he was going to do it and she said, "you'll get in trouble" and he said, "no I wont" then drank it and she walked off. (that's her story anyway). Well we knew nothing about it. But a few weeks ago-ss told my 8 year old dd about it-told her he drank half the bottle (sounded as if in a bragging manner) and said that dd13 witnessed it. Asked dd about it and she confirmed it. So dh did ask ss about it and he said yes but blamed it on my dd13 because she "dared" him to-she absolutely denies this. Anyway that was it-the whole discussion. I told dh later that I felt he should address it futher as bm is an alcoholic herself who struggles with recovery and dh has also had alcohol related problems altough not currently. I think it slipped dh's mind as ss skipped a visit so it was a month before we saw him again. I forgot as well-now as he is coming back this weekend I want to say something to him. Generally I do not say anything-but not only did the turd break the law it was my alcohol that he drank. (I have no alcohol problems only relaxing alittle on my vaca and I did not finish the bottle and didn't even think that someone might drink it when I sat it down on the counter). I want to tell him-if he ever does it again I will call the cops and have him ticketed for minor consumption. Is this appropriate? I kinda think dh thinks it's not a big deal-just a kid being silly taking a drink of alcohol to experiement or what not(although ss told my 8 year old half the bottle and my other dd estimated 1/4 of the bottle-not the same as a sip IMO)
I think that given there is
I think that given there is alcohol abuse in the family then SS's drinking should be taken seriously and addressed by his father. I say this because I think that children that grow up watching alcohol abused can be imprinted by that behaviour and end up mimicing it without even realising that's what they're doing.
My DH is an alcoholic (now on the wagon) and I think that BM is also, although she does not acknowledge it. My SD has said that she hates her mother drinking, and the way she it makes her behave. But lo and behold this summer SD14 began drinking heavily with friends and lying to her parents in order to attend parties at the home of a friend whose mother allowed under age drinking. When we found out I asked her why, when she hated her mother drinking, was she drinking heavily and behaving the same way herself? I think this point hit her with some force - she was drinking in order to rebel and be grown up and different, then realised she wasn't being different, she was just copying behaviour she had seen at home all her life.
Aside from that I do think that boundaries have to be enforced and if your DH doesn't address SS's drinking he will continue to push that boundary, especially given his age. I'm not sure about threatening the police at this stage, I would work up to that with an escalating scale of consequences - grounding, no internet access, no mobile phone, losing allowance etc. This is what we did with SD, although we ultimately found she had some serious issues which are now being addressed in counselling, and really the drinking was a symptom of that. That might be another thing to consider with SS?
He has no cell phone, no
He has no cell phone, no internet access, and no allowance. He is with us eow. Dh is against grounding him to his room and such since he is only here infrequently. I wanted to hit home with him the point that drinking underage is illegal-that it's not funny, or cool-but it's something that could give him legal consequences. It's certainly not something to brag about-which to me is sounds as if he did it initially with dd13 and then much later told dd8 about it-as with much of his behavior I feel like it is probably just attn seeking, but I don't think he fully grasps how dangerous that path is to all kids but more so him because of the family history.
Well you can set rules and
Well you can set rules and boundaries for when he is in your home. You need to have a serious talk about alcohol, it's effects and the effects of alcoholism. He needs to know he has a greater chance of becoming an alcoholic and how dangerous that is. He also needs to know about the legal ramifications of his actions. We recently had to have a talk with our ss about somehing totally different but one point dh made to ss (also 12, almost 13) was that ss is NOT a kid anymore. He does know better and in our house will not be treated like a little kid. We also told him he is old enough to be responsible for his actions and that his actions do have consequences. Drinking is a serious matter. Just because you know of this one incident doesn't mean it was the first and only time for him to try alcohol. He has prob tried this at home or even your house before. Hide anything you have from now on. If anyone (heaven forbod, bm) finds out he's sneaking alcohol at your house then you guys can get in trouble. But definately have a talk. By telling your dd about it it's like he wants to get caught for some reason.