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“Holidays” still suck.

Misstepped's picture

Haven't been here a while. Took a break and tried to change my attitude. Things were going okay for a while. Then I realised that I'm just pretending to be okay. All it took to remember how much I hate this lifestyle is a holiday. 2 weeks at the beach. DH hasn't even discussed having the kids until pick up. He also didn't discuss with me. When they all rocked up at the beach house I asked and he said "I told her (BM) we will have them the whole time" I tried to stay positive, I thought to myself "they are another year older, and me and DH haven't been fighting, we have bio now, maybe it will be different. It isn't. The rude awakening!

Skids still demand daddy spends every second with them and he obeys. 
We have adult friends over and instead of spending some time relaxing over a few drinks, he's laying in the kids bed watching movies until 11pm because "they asked me to" at one point our friends even asked me if he was ever going to join us. How rude!

All day long, all night long, he is at skids beck and call. One day I asked "can you just get the kids to bed and spend some time with me tonight" one of the little shits looks up and says "why don't you just go away and also dad will just come with us and hangout in our bed anyway" he didn't even correct the little shits. And again he's in there that night!
meanwhile because he's been so sidetracked with them. I've been single parenting bio, everyday he takes the car and off they go as a trio. Today I said I'd had enough, I want to go home and I'm sick and tired of the skids running the show, and demanding all of his time. DH got upset of course and told me in some stupid remark "well I'll help you pack your bags when we get home then" all because so pointed out that I was sick and tired of coming last, and not just me, our baby who gets no time too. I'm sick of this bullshit deal and I'm sick of playing nice. 

tog redux's picture

Wow. You probably realize your H is the issue here (he doesn't deserve a D in front of his H). He doesn't tell you the kids are going with you, doesn't parent them, doesn't spend time with you, friends and the baby, and then tells you to not let the door hit you in the ass on the way out when you express your frustration. 

 I'd be tempted to take him up on the offer of helping me pack my bags. 

Misstepped's picture

BUT he wouldn't discuss how long for and didn't make any arrangements until he picked them up and then just told her he wants them to whole time. TBH I would have been fine with having them here the whole time, if it didn't turn out the way it did! If he just shared the time and didn't put them on a special pedestal the whole time. They are good kids but they know how to play it too. At one point they were all playing under the water and I saw a rare moment of DH having a beer alone relaxing just watching them. I grabbed my drink and went to sit next to him and as soon as skids looked up and saw me there he quickly said "I've had enough of water play now, I'm going to play cricket again, dad you have to bowl. Instead of "I'm having a drink and you kids play" off he ran again. And yes, the issue is H, not the skids. Ill drop the D from now on too.

thiscantbenormal's picture

He said that to make you shut up and put up. And he doesn't respect you. Why stick around for this?  

simifan's picture

You should have left when Skid told you to and your DH said nothing. None of them respect you or care about your feelings. Please seek counselling to figure out why you take this abuse and are rasing a child in it?

CajunMom's picture

In fact, I'd leave that "vacation" right now. No one disrespects me like that, including DH. And to not address that outright rude behavior by his kid? Nah. I'd be done. If you don't have the resources to leave now, begin your Plan B. If not, be prepared for many more years of this type of behavior. As Simifan said, this is abuse and it's also what you do NOT want your child to grow up in and think that behavior is okay.

Rags's picture

This Skid worshipping shit is pathetic. And so is your idiot H.

If I had been you, I would have loudly started calling for DH to get his ass out of bed with his kids and come be a grown up host with the friends he knew were visiting.

Dumb ass.

Just a dumb ass.

Him, not you.


CLove's picture

I went back in time and read your previous posts. This has been building up for you, its not an overnight thing.

We go into these relationships with the best of intentions. We have love in our hearts, we want to share our love and our livs with someone. We want to build something with that person. They tell us they want the same things as we do. They tell us what we want to hear. Maybe they dont realize the level of enmeshment and that its not healthy.

He sounds like a narc. And narcs go into rage mode when boundaries are instilled. He sounds like hes not invested emotionally in you and your child. Sometimes the disrespect builds up slowly over time, in small ways that we do not notice and over time it gets worse and more apparent, until you have episodes like what you experienced. I would have been so shocked to be told by skid to "go away", and your husband "pack your bags when we get home". WOW. You must be so hurt, thats horrible.

Please leave that beach house (if possible) and see a few different lawyers when you get home, to see what your options are. I know that the common fear is shared custody, so start documenting everything you can and keep in mind that narcissists have ways of gaslighting to keep you off balance. He stands to lose a lot if he loses you. Spousal Support, Child Support (get ready to file as soon as you figure out where you want to go from here), and your being a useful wife appliance. You know, taking care of the household.

If you arent working, time to get your resume updated, and update any skills you need to. Even if you decide to stay and try to work things out, continue with your therapy and learn how to create and enforce boundaries. Get yourself working at least parttime - a work from home type of job is really common and popular right now.

I know its hard watching your dreams fade, but time to face reality.

Rags's picture

I would take the car and  the little and go home. Leave the idiot and his shallow and polluted failed family gene pool to figure out how to get home on their own.

Once home I would pack and leave. Go to family in another state and file from there.  No need to voluntarily force the baby into more face time with that shit show than is absolutely necessary.

Survivingstephell's picture

Be sure to ask for extra CS every time he cancels on you in the name of the kids.  MAke him pay for that choice every time.  

Misstepped's picture

Finally had to leave today. Dropped skids off to BM on the way. Instant relief when they were gone. I was over the whole dynamic as mentioned, but also of their constant bickering and carrying on. It's different when it's your own! Funny enough even after last nights tiff with H, we still got home and he looked at me with this look in his eye and said "aaaash well, it's back to reality now, no more relaxing hey" and I just stared. Like how can these men possibly think it's enjoyable for us. Me? Well I still couldn't hide my frustration. Said nothing. He kept saying "what your that shitty to be home?" No I said! I can't bloody wait to come home, I've had enough, and I've had enough of being the bystander the entire time while you prioritise the skids and I just wait around. He foolishly said "well now you have me for the rest of the week"

that's not what I want! When the holiday is over. He simply cannot divide his time fairly no matter how many shitty weekends or holidays we take and they all end the same, me annoyed and him telling me I'm too hard to please. So I'm now in a predicament when I don't know what else to do. I'm over this shitty life we step parent agreed to thinking it would work somehow.  Still stunned at how he could possibly tell himself we all had a great time. Blindsided by the little shits the entire time. It's all so lovely to him. 

Rags's picture

That is the entire point of the existence of STalk.

To vent and work through the bullshit so many failed family breeders have polluted the SParent's life with. And even more sadly the crap that the failed family breeder is perpetrating against a young subsequent family child.

He really is thick.  Take your baby and GTF out. Before your own child gets sucked into the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool so far that you will regret it for the rest of your life. 

It is entirely possible for a strong BM to rescue their kid from a poor choice in breeding partner and raise that kid to successful viable adulthood putting the Spermidiot and their polluted progeny far behind your great kid.

My bride did it.

It was not easy.  But she did it

Someoneelse's picture

I see you mention to these step moms with babies too take them and leave... but the problem then lies where the babies will still have to visit the father and step kids, but with out their mothers to protect them from all this madness. At least when mother is there, she can take the kid to another room, or go to the park, or live and snuggle on the baby... but if she leaves with the baby, baby will go over where daddy doesn't do anything about the behavior, can't take the baby out away from the madness of the other kids... nobody will be there to deflect any of it. It would be worse for the baby if she leaves. 

Rags's picture

One way both the SM and the baby are sucked in and kept in for a decade plus. The other way you have a BM in control as the CP, who can take whatever steps they feel is necessary to protect their child.

I know that it is a flip of the script where a SM who is also a BM applies a measured, official and comprehensive campaign to protect their own child from the toxic SKids and the causal BioParent they are/were married and and made the mistake of procreating with.

My DW did it.  She left with the baby after HS graduation to attend university out of state.  She had already been stipulated as the CP with full physical and legal custody, no visitation was ordered, and CS was set at $110/mo.  

As the SpermGrandHag began to realize that she no longer had control of my future bride, and the baby, she went for my DW's throat filing for custody of the baby in the name of her own idiot son, without telling her idiot son she was doing it. At that point it was game on.  Ultimately my DW was able to mitigate the majority of the toxic influence of the SpermClan on her child.  That pissed SpermGrandHag off to no end and the Hag tried to recover control and at least PAS the kid against his mom, and I, for the entire 16+ years of the final CO.

This is not a short game. It is a long game and it takes complete and total focus and commitment to successfully navigate.

There is no need for either the SParent or their kid to go down in flames to the toxic side of the situation.

Though it was not a specific decision to take SS and leave the state in order to protect them both, she was merely going to school.   Though it is the best thing she did and it was that choice that ultimately allowed her to to protect herself and the Skid from the shallow and polluted end of the Skid's gene pool.

In this type of situation I would rather go as aggressive as possible to protect myself and my kid.  The OP knows the toxic DH and should be able to formulate the structure and campaign necessary to have the best outcome for herself and her child.

AgedOut's picture

it seems like you have a lot of thinking to do. First, work on you w/ a counseler. Learn to value yourself. Learn to see your situation clearer. Will your marriage survive this? I don't know that, none of us do but we can help you flesh out a plan for your future. 


Misstepped's picture

This is where it gets hard. After yesterdays fight and the day before. The skids go and he goes above and beyond to make it up. Is it possible that he is ultimately still struggling to juggle and can't see that he wouldn't have to keep making it up to us for prioritising them, and then making it up to skids for not being with us all the time and whatever happened with BM and him if he JUST stopped giving undivided attention to certain people? Just give equal attention whether skids are there or not? Is that fair? And how could I get him to see this? I still think he is acting out of guilt?

Rags's picture

the whole time.  He gets to ignore you and your baby and deify his prior relationship spawn then when they are gone, lock you back in so he can have his cake and eat it too. When they are around, you and your baby don't matter.  If they were around full time, you would never matter.

Besides, idiots won't ever see it. And when they are toxic, they really don't want to see it.

Take care of you and that baby. Whatever it takes.

Misstepped's picture

This is where it gets hard. After yesterdays fight and the day before. The skids go and he goes above and beyond to make it up. Is it possible that he is ultimately still struggling to juggle and can't see that he wouldn't have to keep making it up to us for prioritising them, and then making it up to skids for not being with us all the time and whatever happened with BM and him if he JUST stopped giving undivided attention to certain people? Just give equal attention whether skids are there or not? Is that fair? And how could I get him to see this? I still think he is acting out of guilt?