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The ‘crazy’ ex wife dilemma.

Thenewreeree's picture

Hi all.

i have joined as I am struggling to deal with a few things and would love advice/stories on your own situations etc.

basically, my new partner and I both come from ex marriages with 2 children each. I have been single longer and am very amicable with my ex. He has been separated sonce February, and she left, and got a new boyfriend immediately. That was fine, he was glad to be free of her and although she kept being a little painful, it certainly escalated once I came along. She did the typical withholding the children, constant messages saying that he should give her more child support instead of spending all his money wining and dining me (which he doesn’t). She also has accused us and our kids ( ages 3-10) that we sat in a circle around a photo of her and all pointed and laughed. She rules the roost when it comes to the days etc that she has the kids. He has them during the week and most of the whole weekend, every weekend. She flat out refuses to let him have one Friday night free a month. And then accuses him of putting me first for trying to get that one Friday month etc. the list goes on, she just doesn’t stop Day in, day out. All nasty, toxic stuff. 

He has started to ignore her since I have come along. But I want him to tell her that enough is enough. He will not respond to her calls or messages and that she is to leave him alone unless a child emergency. He just thinks to ignore her and it will stop eventually. He is scared to say anything as she is unpredictable. 

To me, it makes me wonder if he is addicted to the drama she brings to not at least say, I won’t be responding to any calls, texts unless child emergency and to please leave me alone. It concerns me. 

It is causing so many issues, and fights. I admit, I am obsessed with it, because I know if I behaved this way my ex would have shut that crazy stuff down immediately. If my ex behaved that way I would tell him to no longer contact me and only email me or use a communication book as contact for kid related concerns. 

 

Am am I being unreasonable??

Notup4it's picture

Get out now, I am not kidding!!!!!  Get out’!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I have been with my husband for 4 years, his ex is the same toxic mess.... when you get married it will go from bad to unbearable.  Right now I’m lookikg into divorcing. Do NOT do this to yourself. 

I also have a kid and a reasonable ex and we get along (and I get along with his wife, my daughters stepmom). The injustices you will feel will destroy your soul. Find someone who either has no kids, or someone who has a normal ex.

SteppedOut's picture

Both, he isn't setting boundaries, but even if he did she's still going to be crazy. You can try and influence him to make boundaries but there's nothing you can do to stop her from being crazy. And if he hasn't set boundaries at your urging yet what makes you think he will? And if he does will they last? I guess it amounts to how much of your life are you willing to give to nonsense.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I went psychotic when BM was calling, emailing and texting my husband about non urgent and irrelevant matters. Basically, I have my husband’s b@lls in my purse, not BM. My house, my man, my kids, my family. My husband has learned that I will not be disrespected and that my needs and wants come FIRST. 

Outonalimb68's picture

I had to leave my situation because of the crazy ex. After several years it just kept getting worse, and my now ex girlfriend would do nothing about it. I watched their toxic relationship as a bystander and it was horrible, and then it got worse. I recieved threats about false abuse chargers, was challenged to fistfight, and the list goes on. When I called her out about this toxic relationship, she showed me the door and I walked right throught it. Probably the smartest thing I've ever done was leave that situation.

Thenewreeree's picture

Thanks for your reply’s. Is it sometimes safe to assume a crazy ex is out of your control? Or is it the way that your spouse dealt with the crazy ex that was the problem. What is reasonable? I’m confused if I am over reacting...

Notup4it's picture

No you are NOT overreacting.... it is your GUT telling you things are not right. We have our “gut” feelings for a reason, our subconscious picks up on things we try to ignore and warns us. Listen to it... trust me!!

At first it was how she was acting, and a bit of him not putting his foot down hard enough. Then he put his foot down but it escalated and has gotten worse and worse over time. 

DH is now alienated from his kids, has to fight it through court which costs a fortune (not a nice thing to deal with when you are trying to build a ‘life’ together!!).  We even have restraining orders against her and she STILL manages to insert herself into our lives in crazy ways- through court and the kids. 

We started off actually not even as bad as you are describing..... the minute we got married (literally the day before) the gloves came off and it has been a full blown war ever since. 

I will tell you some of the ways if has impacted my life that I didn’t have the foresight to see....

1) venomous letter to me about my husbamd the day before our wedding

2) court battles that will take money away from your home- away from your family and your kids.

3) resentment and anger that some cow STILL won’t leave YOUR husband the frick alone

4) using their kids as little soldiers to guilt and destroy your husband 

5) Always being on edge about what shit they will pull next

6) then your husband Starr’s in at YOU because of your inability to tolerate the hell that you are being put through by him and someone else. 

7) you will start being the target for blame why the relationship is messed- whether it is in subtle or direct ways

Dirol the stress from all of this will take away from the happiness and time you have to enjoy YOUR kids

 

 

tankh21's picture

I couldn't have said this better myself.  All of this happened to me as well except BM didn't send a nasty letter she filed for CS on the day of our wedding

Areyou's picture

When I first started dating DH, BM was like that too. They’d had poor boundaries for so long that DH didn’t know the difference. After two months of watching their drama I asked DH to put BM on email only, asked him to never mention her name to me again, he asked the kids not to bring her up in our house, and he got a phone for the older child so  that BM didn’t have to go through DH to communicate with skids. The transition was tough and it took a few months but it worked. DH thanked me and said it brought him peace to finally not have to communicate with her as much. It was a breath of fresh air for him. I’m lucky though because BM is not toxic. She’s just needy and was leaning on DH for parenting stuff. She couldn’t parent on her own and wanted DH to do everything for her. She’s better now. I just saw her at a kids sporting event tonight and she is so mousy. I can see how she’s needy and insecure. It’s been over two years so we’ve transitioned and now it’s just a norm for us to not talk to her at all, even at kids events. The in laws were there too and they didn’t even look at her. 

Thenewreeree's picture

I too have said go through a communication book or email only. They don’t even have a set care plan in place yet. Mediation is still yet to happen, and that’s if he follows through with what he wants which is week on/week off. She messages him like 10 times before a handover saying I can’t meet here because I have no petrol. Then 15 minutes later changes the destination again. How would he go about doing even one handover without having to check his text messages to know where to meet her? 

I just can’t fathom why this woman would act this way. I have 2 children, to 2 exes, and I have a peaceful, amicable set care plan in place that is flexible when needed to help eachother out. But the less contact I have with them, the more peaceful my life is and definitely the way I prefer! It’s called moving on...

Notup4it's picture

That is the difference. You are normal and can move on.... these women are personality disordered and will refuse to FOREVER.  It is a warped game to them, they can’t even help it. 

My DH’s ex was toxic from the start, BUT none of it was directed at me... she actually said to him when she found out about me “Well I’m happy you have a girlfriend now and hopefully she can talk some sense into you”..... and she never called or bothered DH. She was just bitchy to him about other things and verbally abusive.

None of the real crazy came out until the day before our wedding. Tne one uoj are dealing with actually sounds even worse than mine.... and it is not going to get better.

i was in the exact same spot as you, heck me and my ex are friends and I’m friends with my daughters stepmom- zero fighting, ever. So I was so perplexed as to how someone could act the way she does.... but I have gave up trying to figure that out LONG ago. They have disorders, they don’t operate like most people- you cannot understand them anymore than you can understand someone who can kill puppies. The more you travel down the road the more it will blow your mind!!!!

The problem is is these men have something most likely a bit off with them that made them get in the situation and pick this type of partner in the first place.... so naturally they are not going to be good af handling any of this- and then it will all fall on YOU.  There is a huge giant difference between someone who hasn’t set boundaries with someone who is just calling often for emotional support, or who is asking for too many favours and someone who ever will tolerate someone belittling them and then once you are in the picture also belittling the one they “love”. A healthy man will NOT let this happen EVER.  And it isn’t to say he isn’t a great guy (my DH is a pretty amazing person), but he has something wrong with him where he allowed this to become his life.  My ex ALSO would have shut crazy down IMMEDIATELY if I ever pulled ANY of these stunts- and he is also the type of man who would never ever allow anyone to treat him poorly.... ever. Men like that won’t procreate with crazy, end of story.

i too have spent sooooo much time trying to figure out just how DH got himself in this mess, or why this hasn’t resolved and essentially it is because he has no balls (when it comes to manipulative crazy women), he has no problem stirring crap up with me though. Just like you guys fhis has caused many fights for us, which have escalated.  Now I’m pretty much blamed and he is just the victim of everything and everyone. 

Do yourself and your kids a GIANT favour and set a time frame that by which you need to see that crazy stopped. Like 2 months or 6 months or what you feel comfortable with... and stick to it, no matter what if it is not Bette by that time you are out.

 

Right now I’m habinf a panic attack and can’t sleep cuz DH just dropped another 10k in court the other day  For kids who don’t want a thing to do with him...and let  her back up into our lives after a few months of what was seeming like relative peace.  I feel like I am married to his past.... I don’t feel like I’m married to him- how sad is that?

Thenewreeree's picture

So far she doesn’t know who I am. I haven’t seen her. I’m not on Facebook so she can’t find me. She hasn’t said anything about me besides the constant Stop putting your new gf first - when he has not even done that at all anyways. 

I am actually studying my bachelor degree in psychology and absolutely get that she is a narcissist. She doesn’t want him. She didn’t for a long time. She just mentally abuses him and uses his daughters as the pawn. But then she can’t handle them for more than a couple of days so even when she has withheld them or threatened to she then calls and says come and get them now! 

At the moment, we had a big drunken blow up on Monday night and haven’t seen eachother since. Have messaged a bit but he does not get that I know through myself and my training as a psych that he needs to say no more. No more messages, no more attacks. I don’t think email would even work as she would bombard him through there. He says it doesn’t affect him as any abuse she says he doesn’t listen too or take on board. He understands that an ex constantly contacting him and bringing toxicity into our lives affects me. But he is sick of it being all we talk about - and the only thing we argue about. If he stood up and said no more contact, communication book only etc, then I would feel much more confident. But he won’t. I don’t get it!!!!

Siemprematahari's picture

Can you guys get a set visitation and child support order that establishes in exact detail dates, times, locations and amount of child support so that there is no back and forth constantly? If this is established it would remove a lot of frustration for all involved. They would both have no choice but to follow it and maintain some consistency.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

They have been separated for.. 6 months? Are they divorced yet?

Thenewreeree's picture

No not divorced. They lived under the same roof but in seperate rooms for a year. She moved out in February. No formal processes have really begun as it all takes so much time to get appointments etc for mediation. They can’t divorce until 12 months of living apart. Having said that, the divorce isn’t really an issue. I am still legally married to my ex husband, whom I separated nearly 5 years ago. I know, I know. We will eventually, none of us want to pay for it and go through the hassle. Too much other crap always going on !!!

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Yes you are being unreasonable. Get your own business sorted out before you move along to something else. 

I don't care who is sleeping where or with whom, that man has a wife. You are actually angry because his wife wants to "rule the roost" in her own husband's house? 

 

Thenewreeree's picture

I believe you have read my post incorrectly.

They were (previously) living under the same house, in seperate rooms for a year before SHE LEFT the house in February and started her new relationship with her boyfriend. I came along after this, and live in my own house, by myself, with my 2 children. He lives by himself, with his 2 daughters (shared care)

They are not 'legally' divorced, but he is not her husband in the traditional sense of marriage meaning when you love one another, not just a piece of paper.

Thenewreeree's picture

And they do not own the property, it is a rental which he has taken over by himself.

I also have a piece of paper. But that is all that remains of my ex-marriage. The simple formality.

 I think you may be getting a little caught up in the paper work side of things of marriage - which is exactly that. A piece of paper. However, that is not my concern or my question - to make it simpler, perhaps use the terms his ex girlfriend, so we don't get too stuck on the paper and miss the point...

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Holds a lot of power. That simple piece of paper can allow her to ban you from his hospital room, get you locked out of his house if you are not on the lease with him. She can cause you a lot of grief with that paper.

Thenewreeree's picture

I can’t see her easily signing that piece of paper either.... it keeps another tie. Great. 

Rags's picture

Can you both file for divorce and work through the process in parallel?  I get the 12mo thing.  However a formal initiation of the process both gets it started and starts to box  in the toxic XW/BM in order to continuously draw the noose of behavioral control and compliance to a CO around her neck.

Gucci's picture

it doesn’t get better. Sometimes it will, and you will have the peace that you want, but then it will come right back the minute you get comfortable. My husband also has no balls. We’ve been together four years and have maybe went two weeks as the longest without contact with her. Their relationship is very cyclical and the roller coaster of that is exhausting. I love that man more than I ever thought I could love someone. That said, every day I have the ‘what if love isn’t enough’ talk with myself. 

Coco72's picture

Get the book "Say Goodbye To Crazy", read it, have your SO read it. It saved me, and my sanity, and helped my DH see HCBM for what she really is, and what she was doing.

amy070677's picture

I fight this fight all the time. When we first got together the BM would text 30 times a day multiple times a week and she had a new boyfriend. It was only until I started pushing the issues it SLOWED DOWN....but to this day doesn't stop completely. My husband says it is easier to ignore them or just one word answer them like yes or no than to start a huge fight or make this ackward. It pisses me off he never says to her the things he says to me like she is at it again or I am not doing this all day. But if I say it is a problem, I am over reacting. I finally realized that it is a losing battle and one not worth fighting or causing issues in our relationship. I told him if he wants to deal with it then fine, but don't let it interfere in my time or our daily life when all she is texting about is wanting to know what the weather is like at our house or a soup receipe she used to make 10 years ago if he knows it. Or sending him photos of "what he is missing his daughter do" and sends 10 pictures of her riding her bike, which btw I have seen before lol. It is called co-dependency and it is sickening. But, I will ignore her before I let her piss me off anymore or cause problems in my marriage. Men don't have backbones like we do. Some men aren't confrontational. I don't understand why, but don't let her win!

Thenewreeree's picture

You guys have been so supportive and given me such great advice. I will be forever thankful x

iheartzackmorris's picture

My husbands ex is high conflict. It's always something. I should have hit the panic button and ran for the hills the first time she pulled one of her stunts when she came over here one night at midnight, pissed drunk and wanting to sleep over because her boyfriend had thrown her out and she had no where else to go. I should have had the foresight to see that this was just the beginning of her never ending drama. At this point I pretty much need to move out into the middle of the forest to have a quiet life with my family and no drama from BM or SD. 

Thenewreeree's picture

Are you still with your husband? How does he feel about it?

Sorry, i am new to this is SD - step daughter?

iheartzackmorris's picture

Yes we're still together. He is totally in denial that his ex causes any drama. If you spend enough time on this forum you'll see it's pretty common that a lot of men don't stick up for their current partners against their exes, they just don't like the confrontation. 

Yes SD means Step Daughter. 

Thenewreeree's picture

Yes I am starting to see that. There are alot of crazy ex wives, and alot of compliant men. As i said, I would never behave like that, an ex is an ex for a reason, and you need to put the children first always. But seriously, my exes would tell me to go and get ****** and they would withold my children from me if i behaved like these ex wives do. And I wouldnt blame them for doing so....

Rags's picture

Whoa.  Wait a minute.

”you need to put the children first always”.

Absolutely not!

 That is the death knell for any blended family relationship. Or any adult partnership for that matter.

The adult relationship and the partners are the ONLY thing that comes first for both partners.  EVER.

The marriage/partners are the only unequivocal top relationship/marital priority.  Period.  

Children,regardless of their biology, are the top relationship responsibility but never take priority over the relationship at the heart of the family whether it is a blended family if an intact initial family.

Get that straight in your head now before you launch further into this blended family adventure.

IMHO of course.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Timing is everything, and you've chosen a man who isn't really available. He's freshly separated, and hasn't done the legal part of uncoupling yet so he's deep in the drama trenches right now. This man needs to handle his divorce business, live alone and parent alone for a while before he'll be able to give 100 percent to a new relationship.

While it's true that many men never show much spine concerning their exes, I think it's important to acknowledge that divorcing is a stressful, painful process that affects men as well as women. 

Date him casually if you must, but step back, take care of you, and don't expect more than this man has to offer just now.

Rainydaze777's picture

That was similar to what was happening with my ex fiance- I think he was addicted to the drama and he was obsessed with one upping her her- and she was the same--- honestly it was pathetic 

strugglingSM's picture

When I met my DH he was in a similar pattern to your SO. BM was calling him daily to talk for hours (usually to complain or tell him he was a terrible person). She also loved to contact him to demand more money (and threaten she'd report him to child support enforcement if he didn't give her more) and demand he change his visitation time because she had plans. He didn't even realize this was an issue and had no idea what boundaries were. My MIL has no boundaries, so he grew up without knowing what healthy boundaries were. 

I told him early on that I was not interested in being in a relationship with someone who was still in a psychological relationship with another woman. DH cut BM off pretty fast. She sort of went crazy when DH and I got engaged, leading to a mediation where DH got it put in writing that BM was prohibited from speaking to him in person or on the phone. 

I honestly think my DH didn't know any better. He was unaware of how terrible and over the line BM's behavior was and as I mentioned above, grew up with a mother without boundaries, so he didn't even know what boundaries were. 

We're still working on boundaries, but DH has made amazing progress. Now our challenge is his knowing when to stand up to BM and when to just ignore her. Fighting is a form of intimacy and some exes use fighting as a way to hang on to the relationship. 

I remember telling DH early on that psychologists would say that if a divorced couple needed to talk every day, one or both of them was still holding on to the relationship. I asked him point blank if his ex wife was the one holding on to the relationship or if he was. That also made him re-evaluate taking all of her calls.