You are here

watching everything fall apart...

tryingtofindpeace's picture

I don't want to get into the details.. but after seven months of unhappiness getting worse and worse my DH is finally hearing me. He is shocked at my unhappiness, shocked that I would consider leaving... It's like watching an accident happen in front of my face, not being able to stop it.
We almost split up last night.
I am hanging by a thread.
I LOVE my husband. He is a good loving sweet man, amazing at his job,and a devoted father to his two kids (12 & Dirol that we have 50%. The problem is the skids make me miserable. They are really screwed up from years of poor parenting and a massively screwed up BM.
I thought I could fix everything. I thought I could help.
I have come to the realization that I don't know if I can ever be fully fulfilled in this life being a step-mom. I hate it. I hate being a step-mom. I never wanted to get involved with someone with children, but DH convinced me it would be okay. I believed I could sacrifice my dream imagine of the perfect family, since does that even really exist? I thought I could overlook it and make it work. I can't stand them, hate being around them, want nothing to do with them. I would make them go away if there was a magic wand that could do such a thing. They have been so hurtful to me, I just am totally shut down from them, disengaged from my entire home even.
I want my own family, feels like all I have are the leftover scraps of someone else's broken mess.
The issues with BM are never going to stop. The skids are never going to be out of the picture. I figured it will get better as they get older but from what I read on here, that seems to not be the case for most.
I really need support! I am so desperately torn between the man I love with all my heart, and feeling like I know I could be happier. I'm tired of feeling like a second class citizen all the time with his children.
We both want to have a baby together but I am terrified of this, feels like pouring oil on a fire.
Have any of you left a man you loved because you just couldn't stand being having to deal with the ex and the skids anymore?
Have any of you stayed but regretted it?
Have any of you stayed and been grateful you stuck it out through the hard times? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel???????

Comments

2Bloved's picture

Your post had me in tears. I'm so sorry you feel this way. Only you can tell yourself how much you can tolerate, how much you can deal with, and how much you can let go of. You make your own destiny in life. It is hard to feel fulfilled taking care of another womans children if they are not appreciative of your efforts. If you hate it, and hate your life, then you know it's time. If you know this hate will never go away, and will fester, then it's time. You should never feel like you're second class, not to anyone, and especially not in your own home. If your DH refuses to change his ways in that aspect, then its time.

I personally have only been in a relationship with my BF for a little over two and a half years. I have had moments of uncertainty, of frustration, of feeling second best. But the kiddos are actually great kids with awful kid moments. And BF is very supportive. If he wasn't, I wouldn't be able to handle it. Sure, we have our moments when guilt parenting rears its ugly head, but they are getting few and far between. He is actually getting it now. Without that understanding from him, there is no way I would have stuck around. I know what my limits are.

Colorado Girl had a quote a couple of years ago that was so poignant and so fitting. I copied and pasted it to show my BF, and still have it. It helped me show him how it is I feel, but in words that I could never have thought of.

Here it is: I feel like in my life....I am drifting along in a very small boat in an ocean and I have no control over the waves. I'm hanging on for dear life as they come crashing in on me from every direction. I go up, I go down, I drift in peace for a while and then BAM, another wave almost tips me over. I want to jump ship and swim to shore and lay my head in the sand where I know I'm on solid ground. These waves caused all by a broken relationship that produced three children and that I had no part of.

tryingtofindpeace's picture

beautiful quote... I know the feeling verbatim.
My husband has gotten to be a much better parent over the last two and a half years we have been together. He is improving, the kids seem to be responding a bit, but I don't trust it and it all seems too little too late. I don't want it to be too late, but my heart is so shut down. I have nothing left to give.

2Bloved's picture

If you're still there, and still love him, then things can work out. Just when you think there's nothing left, your heart squeezes out that little bit more. Human beings are resilient that way. Even when you get your heart broken again and again, it bounces back, and you can find the beautiful things in life to hold and love again.

When I talked to my BF while he was deployed, I told him that I feel like I am drowning sometimes. Everyone wants something from me, I am swimming around in circles, trying to avoid the tide, and I can feel the current pulling me under. The current represents the people in my life. I told him that just when I break surface to get a breath of air, another hand drags me down. Over and over and over again until there is no breath left in my body, and I stop fighting. That was how I used to feel when I had the kids EOW, and had to deal with babysitting all my friends kids. Let's face it, I had no social life, so I was up for grabs every night and weekend as a free babysitter. And I couldn't say no.

That's when he saw all the pressure he put on me to be the parent while he was gone. And he apologized. I don't know how you and your hubby communicate but using scenarios like that seem to help. It's less agressive, and helps him to see your point of view without seeming to point accusatory fingers.

LotusFlower's picture

1. do u hate yur stepkids, or do u hate the way yur DH parents??
2. do they (skids) ever make u happy?

BTW...Bloved....that was awesome Smile

"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"

tryingtofindpeace's picture

I don't hate them, although at times I have questioned it. I greatly dislike them.
they never make me happy. everything is miserable and a chore with them. the occasional peaceful moment I am holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop.

2Bloved's picture

of the kids. While talking to my friend, who is a BM, not a SM, about issues I was having, she told me to be careful of how I voiced things. It wasn't the kids I was resentful of, it was their behavior. And it really wasn't even their behavior that upset me, it was the fact that my BF ALLOWED them to behave that way. Ultimately, it was my BF that I had an issue with. And I had issues with myself for undermining my own confidence and self worth by allowing BF and his kids to walk all over me. Truer words were never spoken. I love the kids. Do more for them than their bio parents combined. But sometimes the sense of entitlement I feel emanating from all of the, the kids, BF and BM, really upset me. But that was MY issue. I chose to go above and beyond. I had to actively try to not view them as an every day hassle, and really tried to appreciate them for the kids that they are when no one is around to influence their behavior.

I had to disengage from the household work, and they had to pick up the slack. Now, they clean up after themselves. It may not be done perfectly, but they're still learning. Thus, they stopped being a chore and I stopped feeling miserable. Little steps. But, as I said before, you need your DH's support 110%.

LotusFlower's picture

we as SMs know that being married to a DH can mean having full custody at any turn in life....so what do u do then???....look,,,I have no kids of my own...and when I married my DH we had them EOW...no big deal...right?...then wham!!...BM is a POS, so we get custody...and now I have 2 SD17, SS15 and Sd11 24/7...now my situation is a little iff., cuz BM took off, so she is not a factor, right now anyway, (we all know they can appear at any time), but it takes a whole lot of giving up of oneself to truly bond with a child that is not yurs...and frankly, I don't think just anyone can do it...u have to be 100% secure with yurself as a woman, and 100% secure with yur relationship with DH, cuz honestly,,,there are times when u are gonna feel like u are last in line....cuz u actually are....but this has to truly be ok for u just like it would be ok if they were yur own children...sometimes I think we forget that even tho these kids aren't our biokids...they are the biokids of the man we love...right or wrong....and just like Bloved said...with me as well...it took a long time for DH, myself and the skids to get where we are today...it takes effort on everyone's part...so when u strip away everything else...only you can decide if yur DH is worth all the heartache..cuz there is never ending heartache....but I can tell u this...my DH and other biodads with wifes have told me, nothing makes them feel any better than when they see their wife truly bond with their child...so to answer one of yur questions, in a round about way....in my case, yes, I am glad I stuck it out...but it takes alot of work on ALL parts to make it work ....I still say, tho...a strong, non-guilt parenting DH who puts his wife first and doesn't kiss BM's a$$.... and BOTH the DH and SM run the household like bioparents is the key to success...its worked for me!!...praying that u find yur peace (((((hugs)))))))

"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"

Elizabeth's picture

will be filtered through the prism of my own experience, but here goes. Don't have a child together. DH and I both wanted this, but I think it was more of a bandage on a failing relationship. We love our two BDs (5 and 2), but they are going through SO much that they wouldn't have to if it weren't for SD16. I could make a list a mile long, but you probably already know what I'm talking about: the tenseness in the house when SD is there, her disrespectful attitude toward me that they pick up on but do not understand, her bad attitude toward them simply because they exist, the lack of money for their activities because SD comes first and we must tell them no when CS takes its bite, etc.

If I had it to do again, I would never put my kids through all this crap. But I don't, so we're trying to make the best of the situation. I know it was "worth it" to have my two girls, but I wouldn't go back and do this to them again if I was where you are now. Just my 2 cents.

tryingtofindpeace's picture

not having a child is a deal breaker for me. the only dream I've ever always had and known. Breaks my heart to think that we can't. I'm so afraid of the aftermath of having a baby together. I can just picture going into labor, having sd12 throw a fit about how her daddy is giving me attention and not her, and then him having to leave the room to call the kids to say goodnight while i am in the middle of delivering his baby.
how did I get so far from my dreams?

Elizabeth's picture

Having a child was so important to me that I made him agree that we would have them and how many (two). While we were dating, DH said he wouldn't have any more kids because he only wanted one (basically so he could focus all his time and attention on her). That didn't fly for me, and he agreed we would have two. But, there was no guarantee we would actually be able to have them. In fact, I lost my first pregnancy with DH, and that broke my heart. We went on to have our two beautiful daughters.

What I was trying to say (probably not very well) is that you might regret having a child in this situation. It might be best in the long run to start over with someone without the emotional baggage, as I probably should have done. Frankly, once BD5 was born I felt trapped. I knew I would never leave DH because I couldn't trust him to parent her without me. But it was a very difficult thing and a heart-wrenching realization. I would want others to avoid it if they could!

You also have to think about what you would do if you and DH are unable to have children. Would you stay together? I know that if DH and I had not been able to have our BDs, I would not still be in this relationship. Having to deal with parenting SD16 and watch DH guilt parent would have spelled the death-knell of our relationship. But it would have given me a way out, I guess!

My mother thinks that SD16 did things to deliberately injure our two BDs. Many things that happened to them as a direct result of SD's actions. So I had to keep an eye on them all the time while she was around, which is sad. And DH doesn't understand why I won't let her babysit BDs. Never!

Gia's picture

"I want my own family, feels like all I have are the leftover scraps of someone else's broken mess."

Sad Sad yet great line...

lil_teapot's picture

to different parenting styles. I'm a more authoratarian type, and my fh is more casual...very casual. I definitely don't feel like I'm a nazi or anything, but I feel there are rules and structure needed to keep everything flowing properly. My biggest complaint is our different takes of "what is clean?" I prefer things tidy so that you can't get an infection from a bathtub or toilet seat.lol FH isn't so worried cuz guys can't get uti's very easily so a little filth never bothers them. We also differ on long term parenting because I plan for them to be able to do laundry and cook a meal when they're ready to go to college, whereas fh worries about them getting in the shower today and continues to make their lunches, wash their clothes and basically coddle them.
I feel how you do too...how this life is like scraps of someone else's disaster. I always think had I been in bm's shoes, I wouldn't have done things the way she did and the kids wouldn't have been raised the way they have been...but what's done is done. You have to accept things as they are in order to not lose your mind. I guess the bigger question is, with all the parenting that's been done(or not) before we step into our roles as SM, are we going to be able to live with the skids as they are? Are we going to be able to cope with them being spoiled and disrespectful? And are we going to be able to cope with our needs, our family, and our lives coming second to the ex, the skids, and the baggage?
I don't know the answer. I know I feel short-changed alot. I feel like the life I want is always second to the wreckage of the life he had. I know it's just the way it is...being with a man who's had a wife/kids, that first family comes first in alot of ways (c.s., kid obligations, etc.) I knew that and accepted that. I just feel like MY dreams arent' getting fulfilled so I always wonder if I should get out. I could find a single/nonmarried, never married guy w/no kids...although it might be a little hard. I guess I hang in there hoping that things will change here cuz i do love this guy...I just sometimes wish I never had met him. It's easier to not miss something if you never had it.

tryingtofindpeace's picture

Its all so sad isn't it?

"I feel like the life I want is always second to the wreckage of the life he had" This is a profound statement.

If I could go back I would do things so differently.

Serena's picture

Your post was me a month or so ago. I just completely had a melt down. I simply did not have the fortitude to take any more. Then I woke up one Sunday morning and chose not to go to church. That's not like me at all. I made DH take the kids and I chose not to go because I wanted his daughter to get away from me. That was it. I just decided that I would NOT live like this any longer. I spent a lot of time deciding what I needed. Those deal-breaker type issues. I love my DH with all my heart, but love isn't always enough. When he came home from church, we talked about it. We decided that we would tackle one issue at a time. Right now, we're on discipline. Although we inadvertently moved on to BM boundries as a result of a fight last week.

My point is that only you know what you can live with and what you can't. In my situation, even though we're only tackling a couple issues at the moment and there are still so many more to deal with, at least I'm somewhat empowered. I'm being proactive and working towards a solution. This is the only thing that will save my sanity. Good luck!

WowjustWow's picture

But it really boils down to how much you are willing to take and how much your DH supports you. Plus, if you want a child and DH does not, you need to go. My husband had a vasectomy 2 years before we met, and now it is a huge hurdle for us. I made him promise to have a reversal before we married, and so far, so good on keeping that. He talks about us having a baby more than I do!

As for your Skids, there were/are times when I haven't wanted to be around mine, but now things are better. It's not an overnight process, and unless DH helps and supports you, you won't get anywhere with it. For the most part, if I say something, it goes in our house. If I take away privledges, DH sticks with it. Now, it's not been an easy road. BM is a whack job and tries to PAS the kids. But I am better than her and take that approach if I can.

It's just about what you can deal with. Have I ever regretted being a SM? A few times. But I overcame that feeling and only do the best I can. My SD's know this, and deep down I know they see me as a "real" parent.

This sounds so gross, but this is the moment I knew SD14 really was accepting and glad to have me in her life. She has ear problems and asked me to check her ears and help her clean them. Like I said, gross, but that's something a parent does (my dad had to do the same for me when I was young). And she felt comfortable enough to ask me, which meant a lot.

Hanny's picture

I wouldn't recommend staying and having a baby on the pretense that things will be different. But in my case, things did improve when we had a baby together. I know that doesn't happen too often though. My DH (ex now) realized that his bio kids had a life other than him once we had our daughter together. The skids were older, youngest 2 were 13 and 15, oldest 23 and they were living out of state with their mom. Things up until then were all based on the skids (5 boys), everything we did, vacations, houses we bought, cars, everything even though they lived at first 2 hours away, then moved later out of state. But when we had bio daughter, he just changed, and there were really no more skid problems. I think too I became more understanding of skids once I became a mother. In fact, I'm sure of that. It seemed once I had my own child, I could understand the pain he had gone through with getting visitation and trying to make his boys happy.

Just my experience!

Hanny's picture

I wouldn't recommend staying and having a baby on the pretense that things will be different. But in my case, things did improve when we had a baby together. I know that doesn't happen too often though. My DH (ex now) realized that his bio kids had a life other than him once we had our daughter together. The skids were older, youngest 2 were 13 and 15, oldest 23 and they were living out of state with their mom. Things up until then were all based on the skids (5 boys), everything we did, vacations, houses we bought, cars, everything even though they lived at first 2 hours away, then moved later out of state. But when we had bio daughter, he just changed, and there were really no more skid problems. I think too I became more understanding of skids once I became a mother. In fact, I'm sure of that. It seemed once I had my own child, I could understand the pain he had gone through with getting visitation and trying to make his boys happy.

Just my experience!

Colorado Girl's picture

"Have any of you stayed and been grateful you stuck it out through the hard times? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel???????"

Yes, very much so. I almost left my husband about a year and a half ago. But I didn't. I stuck it out because I can't imagine a life without him.

I started seeing a therapist who provided me with some fantastic coping mechanisms and healthy boundaries to erect. So I listened and I rose above the bullshit. I stopped being the victim and became a survivor. BM is still a huge pain in the ass, but you know what? That's okay. I can't change her, but I CAN change MY perception.

It all comes from within. Start fixing you, figure out what you can start doing for yourself to change how you perceive your situation.

I'm lucky...I found my path and the light at the end of the tunnel? I lit the torch myself, and boy I'm gonna let it shine. Wink

(((((HUGS)))))

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Most Evil's picture

I say, if you love your guy, and you want to have a baby with him, just do it! We have pretty much lost my SD17 to PAS, and I got married too late to have kids, but I just love being with my DH and could not leave him.

I KNOW resentment toward skids but remember, skids grow up and move out too. I can't tell how old yours are? and that may make a difference but:

I wish I had the chance to be a biomom with my DH, like you can, girl-!!!! Don't give up, you are just feeling down right now? hugs to you and keep us posted

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin