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Child Custody hearing next week..

FuBaR's picture

We go for CC next week and to be honest Im sick to my stomach, to think we will get his kids..I know I sound like a horrible wife and stepmother..And would never tell him that I dont want them living with us, because everytime they are here we fight and fight hard..I feel like if they do come here we wont last 6 months tops..They came over this past weekend and it was pure hell they pick at my dog who is only 3 months old, and loves to bite not hard just playing..Well they will put her on the couch then complain that shes biting them or get in the floor and cry that she is trying to play..Then I get mad bc DH (not not dear either) yell at the dog, for whatever shes doing..One this is her freakin house she can play if she wants, two if they wouldnt taunt her she wouldnt fool with them period..Then his daughter is always up his ass so far he would have to take exlax to shit her out..Daddy I want this daddy we want that and yes daddy gets it and pisses me off because they dont call him or anything..The only reason they came over because Mommy and live in #6 had a date..So they called their BM and was like oh mom what and how is whats his name doing..Do they call and ask their dad how he is no, so stupid me says something to my DH and he gets pissed at me like I said it..So I was fed up with him and these devils, I pack my bags and was going to leave..He then says you say such mean things about my kids WTF ru serious??? I say something because I love and respect you and dont like for people to disrespect you, will I make the same mistake twice you bet not..But I may I well know if they come to live us my stay in our new house will be short lived..So my question to you is how do you deal with having skids fulltime and how do you not argue with your SO's any and all help is appriecated..

Comments

sparky's picture

Lady you have got some serious problems. They may be living with you soon and then what are you going to do?

FuBaR's picture

serious problems??? I dont know what Im going to do Im asking for advice on how people handle it...Not for sacrastic smart@ss remarks..

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Sir Winston Churchill..

sparky's picture

unbelievable

WowjustWow's picture

Do you really love you DH? Is it really worth you being miserable? I would think not. And the kids will never go away, even when they are adults. If DH doesn't support you, even part of the time, I personally would walk away. It's not fair to you to put up with rude behavior in your house, which I'm assuming you pay a portion of the bills/ expenses. I guess the big question would be, do you have a place to go if you leave? I know if something went wrong, I could go back to my parents or my BFF without question.

I'm sorry I don't have better advice, but be true to yourself and what makes you happy. Life is too short to live in a crappy situation.

FuBaR's picture

love my DH and we get along great..Until the skids come over then its like Im no longer apart of anything..I should sit back watch listen and do as Im told..I have considered leaving and could leave but I really do love him I cant deny that..I have a great paying job and could easily get my own place..Just find it hard to leave something I have worked so hard at, if I could just grow a backbone and leave I would be happier..

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Sir Winston Churchill..

Anon2009's picture

I can safely say that if I didn't have my DH's support even some of the time I would be gone. Before we got custody we sat down and I told him a few things were going to have to change. I told him that because we'll all be living together now their behavior towards me was going to have to become respectful. I told him that his princesses would be doing chores. I also told him he was going to have to a) support me and 2) if he thinks I came down too hard on the kids then he needs to tell me in private, not around the kids. Then we'll go back and tell the kids that I made a mistake, I'll apologize, etc. I would not stand for how they treat the dog. That in and of itself would be enough to get me to move out. It's not fair to the dog to have to be around mean people like that. I love animals, and have had pets before.

For your dog's sake, I think you seriously need to contemplate leaving.

Sita Tara's picture

DH must support and try to understand your position, must make your marriage the number one priority. If that's not there, I agree with you that you won't last.

Well, that's because I wouldn't still be here without my DH always thanking me, always putting me first no matter how SD perceives that.

BUT...I came from a different place than it sounds like you are right now. I tried like hell to love SD as my own, and succeeded actually, which is why she breaks my heart all the more. I gave her that power when I made myself vulnerable to her.

That's a tough thing to do Fubar. Believe me...I am so stressed as BM barely even takes SD for her one night a week now. (Oh- wait! She's making up for missing her overnight due to "illness" last Thur, by taking SD for 2 hours tonight!)

But...can you try to let them in? Put them first in some ways? Not see them as intruders? Try to feel something for them?

I know it's so very hard. And I'm in the trenches with SD daily as the target of all her hatred, no matter that it was DH screaming at her at midnight last night, no matter that he did that a LOT more when we met and I'm the one who convinced him to stop. She will never appreciate that. She is convinced for some reason if I wasn't here he'd be happier with just her.

It's b/c of course SHE would be happier. Or so she thinks!

I could go on and on of course. Many hugs your way. I would get a counselor for the whole family before any custody change occurs. No matter how you feel about it, this is going to be a huge change for everyone.

Goodluck!

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert

Sita Tara's picture

She was sitting on my lap as I responded here, pointed to your pic and said, "Ewww! That's CRUELLA! She's mean."

Then...

"I wanna see her talks!"

Just thought you'd appreciate that!

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert

FuBaR's picture

you gave me alot to think about and talk about with my hubby...Hopefully we can work it all out and make this move a successful one and have a half way normal family..

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Sir Winston Churchill..

FuBaR's picture

I understand that..Hopefully he loves me as much as I love him and will support me..If not then I will be done with the whole thing..I just honestly dont know how to approach talking to him about it without him getting defensive as he usaually does about his kids..

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Sir Winston Churchill..

JMC's picture

JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'

Oh girl, I don't know what to tell you - if I had to deal with my skids more than a few hours at a time, DH & my marriage would be over in a week. If he gets custody, is it full time? I know what you mean about DH getting so defensive when it comes to his lil darlings, even though they're the cause of the chaos. It's really hard to sit down and have a conversation without him going off on how I hate his kids. Hopefully, your DH will be better about discussing them - but the time to discuss is now, before the hearing. If he's willing, maybe you could both write out your expectations of each other and the skids - and reach some sort of compromise. It's going to be a major adjustment for all of you, but being the odd one out (which is how I feel when the skids are around) your feelings really need to be taken into consideration. Take it one day at a time and don't let him back down from any compromises. I'd definately get something agreed upon regarding your dog - she's just a puppy, for heaven's sake - puppies like to play and test their teeth! Have these kids never been around an animal? It's not like she's a some big ass agressive dog waiting to rip their throats open. BTW, I sent you a pm - you'll love it!

FuBaR's picture

Yes it will be fulltime, and Im the one who will be picking up dropping off/doing homework etc..Which I dont mind helping out these kids have been held back 2 times now..One is 13 in the 5th grade and the other is 10 in the third grade..Thats what I get is how bad I hate his kids blah blah blah I really dont hate these kids I hate the drama they bring..Yes she is a small dog Shih Tzu to be exact, and yes there will be a something agreed upon about her..I hate to say it but the reason I got her was because when the skids do come I am left out..So with her she is my lil fur bestfriend..Yes these kids are around animals they have 5 dogs and 2 cats living in their house now with BM..Oh I loved the PM thank you so much..

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Sir Winston Churchill..

2Bloved's picture

I've always owned cats, and they hated kids. Actually, they hated toddlers, but loved babies. Once of them would rock the baby to sleep I would have her in her carseat. (I used to babysit for a friend).

When BF got a miniature Dachshund, he was very rough with it. I would get upset b/c he would pull her ears, tail, smack her. Not hard, but to my untrained eye, it was awful. He had to sit me down and tell me that he had to do all of this. When the kids come over, or when we have friends visit and they bring their kids, that the dog needs to know how to behave. A toddler will pull the dogs tail, and he did not want the dog biting in reaction. So he had to train her, discipline her, all that mean stuff. When she snapped at him, he had to show her that it was bad. The SK's play with her. They hold her, pull on her, everything kids do. And she loves it. Both dogs love to wrestle and play rough.

Maybe the way they treat your dog is the way they behave at home with theirs, b/c their animals have been trained to be around kids, and yours hasn't.

FuBaR's picture

and she knows not to bite but she will be just fine, until they start pulling her tail or ears..Then they put their hands on her face and shake it..I think its just her natural reaction, self defense..Im not trying to make excuses for the pup but thats what they do..They taunt her until she starts biting but nothing to make a place..

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Sir Winston Churchill..

Sita Tara's picture

Especially, the week before SD gets her period and is unbearable. Even SD has noticed that's when it happens. I think dogs sense who they trust and who they don't trust instantly. My puppy is hyper the minute SD walks in the room- b/c that's the kind of energy SD gives off. When SD talks to the puppy she raises her voice, talks fast and high pitched, then over reacts when the dog jumps all over her. We have tried and tried to tell SD how to relate to the puppy without exciting/upsetting the dog to no avail.

Ironically, SD acts this way with BD 3 as well, and the same thing happens. From 2-3ish BD would immediately yell NO when SD entered the room. SD is just clueless on any social cues- from man or beast!

I sympathize completely on this. Just like we can't let SD watch BD, we can't let her take the puppy for a walk. We are training her to heal, and she does great when it's me, DH, BS 14. But in one walk SD can undo all that we've done.

It's frustrating.

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert

2Bloved's picture

Sounds a lot like what my kids do with the dog. I don't know, I guess. It sounds normal to me. Maybe I have weird dogs. My Boxer Pitt will lunge at me and lunge back, until i give in and start wrestling with her. Then I run and she chases me, then I stop, turn back at her, and she runs while I chase her. This can go on forever. It's like doing sprints during track and field. Her favorite is being thrown around, but I can't lift her. She's heavy. The kids also grab their faces and shake. The dogs keep coming back for more, even after we're too tired,they'll shove their faces in to our hands. BF started this training as soon as we got her home, which was when she was around 3 months old. They do nip, not hard, just enough to leave slobber, and it is still playful. They just know not to do it with me, b/c once they start being too rough, I stop playing.

I agree that it is a natural reaction, which is why you need to counter it with training. YOU know to not pull her tail, but a 1 yo might not. Even if you don't care about your SK's b/c they should know better, maybe some day you'll have a baby of your own (if you don't already), or your friends will bring theirs over, and they'll pull on your dog, and get bitten.

2Bloved's picture

To answer your question- you need to enforce discipline. Your house, your rules. I think we discussed this in one of my previous blogs. You have to establish authority over these kids. You and your DH need to agree on what is allowed, and what isn't. And you can't back down, and he cannot undermine. If they are going to play with the dog, then they need to know what to do, and what not to do. If they get nipped for being too rough, they'll learn their lesson. If they choose to go back and bother her after being told not to, give them time out. Start taking away privileges.

YSD was 2 when we got the little pup, and until she was properly trained, she was not allowed to touch. When she would, we would make her put her hands on the wall for timeouts. Now that she is a little older, we take away dessert or take minutes off her bedtime.

After hearing my name called over and over and over again and countless rude interruptions, I went off. I told them that they are to call my name once, say "Excuse me 2BL" and WAIT for me to acknowledge them. If I do not, then I don't want to hear what they have to say, or I am still busy. They are not to call my name more than once, they are not to interrupt while grown ups are talking, and they are not to interrupt their siblings while they are talking to me either. Bottom line: wait your turn. Worked great, until BF came home. I have recently reinstated that rule, and now BF follows it also. You will learn that the constant daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy is nerve wracking.

stepmasochist's picture

We have a puppy who will be a year old this month. The skids love playing with him, but when we first got him he played too rough, but they would not leave him alone. He didn't understand how not to hurt them, he was just playing. They didn't understand that if you don't want him to play rough then don't mess with him.

We ended up yelling at the skids more than the dog when they got "injured" by him. One of them would end up crying cause he scratched them jumping on them or something but then would turn around and start playing with him again. They finally figured out that if you want to play with the dog, no crying if he hurts you unless he draws blood, Smile which he never has.

JMC's picture

JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'

No member of the household, be it human or furbearing, should be subject to abuse or "rough housing". Maybe a larger breed of dog would be less apt to mind having it's tail & ears pulled or a hand over it's muzzle and shaken, but smaller breeds such as Shih Tzu (I have two), Yorkies, Malties, Chihuahuas, etc. and even most cats should never be handled roughly. Smaller dog frames and bodies aren't meant to be tossed around or shaken. Would you physically play with a baby the way you would an older one child? Of course not! Age, size and temperment appropriate, please, or it borders on animal cruelty.

LotusFlower's picture

to a stepmother who would literally pack her bags and put them on the front porch anytime she fought with my father, please make sure you want to be there BEFORE yur DH gets custody of those kids....I am 45 yrs old and can remember like it is yesterday her standing there waiting for a "cab" telling me she had to leave....do u have any idea what that does to a child???....so please make sure u want to be there.....FAST.....as a stepmom to 3 skids with full custody...I made my decision and even though it is SOOO hard sometimes as you ALL know....and even though sometimes I want to pack it all in..I stick by my decision to be there for those kids......u must decide if u want to be there or not...now is yur chance to get out if that is what u really want!!!!....GOOD LUCK

"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"