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What do I do??

sixxnguns's picture

So fiancee finally called BM and tried to sort things out about FSS...and we found out what this child is saying when he goes home...apparantly I stick his head in the toilet to punish him, and I say mean things to him, he also doesn't "like my bd and me" . The whole reason for the phone call was because yesterday at dinner time the deal was if the kids finished their food they could go outside...well FSS didn't finish his food so I told him "well now you can't go outside" so he runs to his dad's room and says "She hurt me! I wanna go outside!" This whole weekend just sucked...it's so nice to know this kid hates me...and it makes it so hard to get along with him. We also found out this is not the only place he decided to relieve himself away from the toilet...I just don't understand...he's telling lies that could get me into trouble and I just don't need that right now...I really want to be gone the weekends he's here after all this crap...but what do you do? What have you guys done that have been accused of off the wall abuse allegations do? How do you handle it? BM said she doesn't believe him because he's been lying alot lately, but her dad is all concerned because I supposedly abuse this kid...I have never laid a hand on this child, and never will...once again I'm the evil one...I'm just lost on this one...

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sixxnguns's picture

to get along with him...the therapist gave me some suggestions and I've been doing them but he just seems to not like me...I guess not since he tells horrendous lies about me!

_Jess_'s picture

I'm curious how old this kid is?

My SD10 lives with me and my husband. She told my husband a couple weeks ago that when she looks at me she "just feels hate and anger and she doesn't know why."

I was totally taken aback when DH told me she said that. I think for SD, its not that she hates me personally, but she hates what I symbolize (I am the only other woman in Daddy's life, meaning I take time away from her. My marriage to Daddy means the end of SD's fantasy of mom and dad being together....this kind of stuff causes her to feel hate and anger towards me). The reason I say its not me personally is that she would feel that toward ANY person in my place, even if it were freaking Mary Poppins.

There are times when its more personal between us though. Your situation with the whole "you didn't eat, you can't go out the play" thing brings this to mind. I am frankly much more strict that my DH, who would just let SD do whatever she wants (within limits, but still). So I am often the one who brings things to either DH or SD's attention. SD definitely picks up on that and sees me as the one making her life more difficult than it would be otherwise.

Maybe your FSS is picking up on something like that? Would your faincee have let him go out to play even if he didn't eat? Maybe you could let fiancee have the reins on discipline and rules, since your FSS is only there EOW? Just a thought.

The allegations of abuse suck. My SD went to her guidance counselor about me once and said I had hit her (never!!!). Luckily, I have an established relationship with SD's teachers and the guidance counselor so she saw through it. But that could've been a huge problem. Its really infuriating. Can you escape for some of FSS's weekends? Maybe make plans with friends?

sixxnguns's picture

it was fiancee's idea for the not going outside thing, I just backed him up on it...we both discipline each other's children and back each other up...I honestly dont know what's up with him...I kinda thought he was too young for feelings like that but maybe I'm wrong.

LizzersBG's picture

Get with your H, and have a long brainstorming session.
The ideas you come up with could be better than what you will hear in therapy. Sometimes trying to do all these new fangled fads to get a kid back in line just don't work.
Sit this child down and talk to him. Tell him about yourself. Tell him about your feelings, and have your H there with you when you do this. Then after you, your H can tell his feelings. Then SS can tell his. Bottom line though, all feelings aside-let this child know that is is unacceptable! He cannot rule your life, making you want to leave your own home, acting out like he doesn't have to go along with the program. BM is jumping on these accusations, and what I have learned is this: if a child is asked a question they say what they think someone wants to hear. He is saying these things because he is being asked-he has heard time and time again that you are terrible, this and that-now he has decided to team up against you with the one person in his life that hates you-BM. Let him know that this will not uner any circumstances come between you and H, let him know that you will not be going anywhere and that he is going to have to meet you in the middle. Children who are allowed (and I am not pointing the finger at you, rather at the person who is asking the ?s and prodding for info that they dont need and that isnt even true) to do these kind of things know they can hurt us. Do not allow him to push you out of your house. Next thing you know you will be thinking about not being there at all. Trust me, the kid either thinks he has this ability to turn people against people or he knows he does. Teach him otherwise. Do not let him know he bothers you.
My SS had not gone back and forth for 2 years (as in talking about us) and he recently started again. I looked him square in the face a couple of weeks ago (he's almost as tall as I am, 5'0 Lol and I told him these exact words:
"Look ______. I am married to your Father, and as his wife I deserve your respect. If you are going to continue to talk about me behind my back and repeat things that have happened in the privacy of my home after being asked not to...then on the weekends that you are over, we will do nothing. We will stay home and do nothing. Then you will have no more stories to tell. I am not interested in what you do at your Moms, and you will not come to our home and talk badly about her either. You are a child, _____. You WILL NOT talk about your parents or myself in a bad way to the other parent. Period. If you continue to do this, there will be consequences."
He lies a lot and tells his Mom things that we do (most of which arent true, just an effort on his part to get her to take him somewhere or do something-or just to piss her off)and then she would call etc etc. I put a stop to it. He was controlling my emotions and I was always sheltering him and trying to help him along. I realize that I never helped him. I let him think I was more his friend than a parental figure (not saying I am his parent, just the parental figure at our house). I know this isnt your case, but let him know that this will not go on in your house. He will put 2 & 2 together and hopefully realize that he is wrong.
Good luck!

sixxnguns's picture

I'm going to do this! And I know she polks around and asks him questons about what we do over here. We will do this the next weekend he's here and will let you know how it goes!

sarahbernheart's picture

that if the BM knows he lies then that is at least one worry you wont have
but what does your FH say?
does he support you and the rules?

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

sixxnguns's picture

was appalled by what he heard...he knows his son lies...he lied about his grandpa making him wear dresses...and we both support each other on the rules..both kids are treated the same when they're both here...there is no favoritism whatsoever..we got each other's backs Wink

sarahbernheart's picture

phew!
SMJen has a good suggestion and kids lie because they realize they can effect the outcome of some situation.
once they learn they can control adults with lying they become better and better at it.
is there anyway you can work with BM on this too or is that impossible.?
good luck!!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

sixxnguns's picture

becuase yesterday was the last straw...he told his dad I HURT him...physically...when I have never touched the kid, and FH knows that...he wanted to make it clear to BM that if FSS runs home telling her the same thing she didn't think he was telling the truth...and than we find out he's been making stuff up to her ALL ALONG...who would stick a kid's head in a toilet? Sheesh...we're going to take SMJen's advice and sit him down the next time he's here. Bm and FH decided it's time for him to go back to therapy today because he's been peeing on the floor at his grandpa's too...

sarahbernheart's picture

he sounds very troubled.
I think therapy is a great idea, I am not an expert but I would worry about some sort of abuse?? (Not you!) maybe from some other persons??

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

sixxnguns's picture

but I don't know who...I don't know who he's around..his mom has him at a daycare, his grandpas, her friends, she has many babysitters, so who knows who it could be

sarahbernheart's picture

well lets pray that the therapist can find out and MAYBE it is just him acting out for attention??

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

whatamess's picture

Wow...I can relate. My husband's daughter told lies about me as well, unfortunately, idiot BM believed them, even though SHE complained about her lies constantly. It drained the relationship between DH and I...and she almost succeeded at her game...If it wasn't because we moved out of the country, I thought that was our only hope, we would not be together now. With that said, you are lucky that your BM understands that he's lying as well...that is a good thing...

I would keep as far away as possible until these issues get resolved. I detached completely and no longer spoke a word to his daughter after that. DH handled all yes/no and everything in between. Then of course, I was accused of not talking to her...but that was better than accused of abusing her...