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HELP!

nicolerw's picture

I can't take it anymore im bout to call it quits with the trying to teach him manners and telling SS no to sweets all the time. Making him take naps and going to bed at a certain time.It seems like on the exchange when dad goes and picks him up he cries and throws a fit!like SS dosent want to go home with us makes me feel like crap!I just want to scream!!!I understand that BM is SS mother and so they will always have a bond that i can never have with him. But I also just want to tell SS when he is throwing one of those fits when we pick him up for exchange that does he know the only reason SS is alive is because dad said no to her going to get an aboration then the other time he called the police so they could get her not to stab her stomach with SS in it to kill him!!!!But he is only 2 and id on't know if he needs to know those things at all.But i just wish he would that we love him so much thats why we do the things we do,we want him to grow up and have manners and be a good person unlike the BM!!Why do I get so emotional with this it hurts me so much when we pick him up and cries.But a couple hours later he will be our little boy.Its so confusing what do I do???I need help handeling this I don't have any kids myself so maybe im just wanting too much out mine and SS relationship?It makes me so mad that BM takes the bond and SS love for grated the way she does!!!!Please HELP!!!!!!!!!

Comments

chellebelle143's picture

Nicole, he is only 2 years old. You are doing the right thing teaching him manners, but your expectations are too high for a 2 year old. You have to remind them constantly, and even when they get older you may have to remind occasionally. He is still a toddler, so wanting sweets, and not wanting to go to bed, are pretty much typical toddler behavior. Exchange times may be rough on him, and maybe even a little frightening, BM could also be saying things that will make him afraid of you guys, but all you can do is prove her wrong by showing him love and patience.

In my opinion you should never tell him his BM wanted an abortion or about her trying to kill him while he was in her belly,personally I think that would be cruel to the child. Think about the long term effects it could have on him, and put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if someone said something like that to you?. It would be devastating to anyone, to hear that sort of thing. This isn't a competition, he can love both BM and you. I know it is frustrating, but the only way you are going to prove to this little guy that you love him, is by showing him. Just be compassionate,loving, and patient, and it will eventually start to pay off. Good Luck.

**How seldom we weigh our neighbors in the same balance as ourselves. ~Thomas à Kempis**

nicolerw's picture

Thanks for your advice.Thats what i was thinking too,bout not telling him because it would hurt him,But dad thinks it's something he needs to know when he gets old enough to tell,so still in the deciding about that.

kathleen's picture

I'm all for venting and getting frustrations out. I understand we may even say things that are inappropriate and later don't really mean it. However, you are obviously really angry and have deep rooted issues with the ex. I understand this. I would have never said I was jealous in the beginning but in retrospect I felt that this woman (BM) stole away from me the right to have a life with this man without entanglements.

Let me explain something to you first about 2 year olds. They are raw little human beings with God and purity throughout their being. They only know love. Whether or not you understand why the Bm felt the way she did, wanting to end a pregnancy whatever, the baby was carried full term and born.

My mother told me I was a mistake. Her words were "the diaphram slipped between the peas' and carrots in the grocery store". I never fully understood that except that. I'm 43, and I made that comment to my father recently, that I wasn't really wanted, and he laid into my like a knife. "ALL CHILDREN ARE WANTED" God did not create our life without love and purpose.

I should say that my mother is my best friend. Perhaps they didn't plan me but I am and was loved. When I was pregnant with my daughter, at first I felt like I was invaded by an alien. I wanted to have a baby but the hormones etc. made me feel crazy. I ended up being one of those very few who loved being pregnant, but once she was delivered, I was a little crazy again. For a while.

I want you to know that a child's first few years are the most impressionable. They develop most of their sense of self and world view in just a few short years. It doesn't matter what his mother might have felt when she first found out she was pregnant. Who knows really.

If you dare to use your own fears and insecurities to prove yourself better than the birth mom, you are acting out of hate and resentment and that is the influence you will have on this child. Your man wanted this baby to love and he has recently chosen you to be a part of his life. I would assume he believe you operate with loving intentions.

I can understand the anger and resentment, but I would fight for this child to the bitter end if I knew you would throw that kind of horrible stuff in his face.

With that in mind, lets pretend you are in a state of madness just as BM was when she wanted to stab the belly holding her child. You both deserve forgiveness and understanding. You are the one who can love this baby, nurture and help to develop a healthy balanced and loving existence, or you can be an harbor this resentment and harm a beautiful gift from God.

Please think about your anger and your issues before you take it out on the innocent little baby in your life.

Kathleen

girlonstage22's picture

She's right- he will get better. For one he's only 2 yrd old and they are hard to handle. I don't have any but I was a nanny for several years. Keep up the good work of teaching him things but be patient.

I know exactly how you feel about picking him up. Except mine is SD 9 yrs old. She would throw horrible tantrums, kicking and screaming. For no reason at all. her dad, my FDH, is wonderful. She used to be daddys little girl but now takes her mother's side over everything. It's probably really confusing for him to be taken away from his mother even if it's by his father. Toddlers go through a period of "mommy anxiety" and it is hard for them to be away just for a second. My nephew went through that and his parents were married. Just give him time to grow with you and trust you. It will get better! Hang in there!

nicolerw's picture

Thanks for your advice.Yeah thats how it was with SS when he was younger he wanted daddy more.When do the tantrums quit?

Tired2's picture

He's going through the "Terrible 2's" and it wouldn't matter if his parents weren't divorced he's still going to act like that. My little boy is 6 now and BELIEVE ME he was a terrible 2. They have no sense of what is right and what is wrong. They just know how to pitch a fit to get what they want and to assert power.(because after all they are smaller than everyone around them) Just give him some time...he'll come around...it will happen. Don't expect to much from him right now because you will be disappointed. Just work with him on the sweets and getting back to normal when he comes to your house. My daughter did with with her BD when she was small....it's just children. Don't stress about it.

DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT tell him about his mother wanting an abortion. This will traumatize him and back fire on you. It will NOT bring you closer to him. That's information that it's just better to know and never share with the child.

I hope this helps. It will get better.
Some people are like slinkies...not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs! Smile

Hanny's picture

that telling him about his mom not wanting him even crossed your mind! Of course, he wouldn't understand it - he 2 years old! What you are talking about is typical behavior for a 2 year old. None of them want to go to bed, and it's just the beginning of teaching him manners. Your expecting way toooo much of this child! It is a hard transition for him to go from mom to dad, that is why after an hour or two he adjusts. Give this child some slack on bed time, and manners and remember how old he is. Maybe you need to read some parenting books.

nicolerw's picture

I did'nt mean i was thinking about telling him now.When he gets older and me and dad have to sit down and explain y BM and dad are not together anymore.Me and dad are trying to decide if it is something he needs to know or not.

girlonstage22's picture

Definitely do not EVER tell him! That will open up a huge can of worms and completely kill him. No one needs to know that their parents tried to kill them. There is no point in creating a negative view of BM. No matter what she did. He will make up his own mind. Just don't tell him. My mom never lied to me about anything my dad di but she let me make my own decisions. When I was older I realized he was an a** and didn't want to worry about him. She never told me the reason he was absent was because he didn't want me or love me.

Trust me I would love to tell my SD that her BM is the reason for her parents' divorce. I would love to say how if she could've not cheated on BF then everyone would be happy. But there is no need in ruining it for SD. She will discover in time just as I did.

Please just keep that between you and DH. It will be better for SS.

Imustbcrazy's picture

The FITS, OMG the fits when she would drop him off to us. It tore DH (and me for that matter) up inside. The bedtimes, the naps, the candy... all of that. Been there, hated it. It did however get better with time. We had to be PERSISTANT in everything... wait till potty training comes around... That was our worst night mare. But we made it, and now we have a stable WELL adjusted happy little boy, despite the fact that his mother is a nutball. STAND YOUR GROUND. And don't give in to his tantrums. He will learn how things are at his moms and how they go at Dad's. Kids are WAY smarter than we give them credit. Try to remember that he is only 2 and he will more than likly grow out of it. I thought it would never end with my SS. He is 4 now and things have really settled down and SS has very normal behavior now. Good luck to you and when you feel like you are all alone in this Sweetie, PM me, because I am SURE I have been through whatever it is that she is hurling your way. We can get through this together. You can do this.

Daddys Gurl

It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!

nicolerw's picture

Thank you so much it is nice to know that there is someone i can talk to that has had to deal with all this drama.We just started the potty training actually and i had BF call BM and ask her if she will help us out here and also do the potty training at her house,and she said yea of course.BUT we got SS back after being at her house and he hates the potty even more than before,i don't know what the hell BM does with him over there but its like everything we try to teach he comes back from there hating more each time.Also did you have the problem with BM trying to get back with dad?This is how freakin nuts this women is!!Me and dad have been together almost two years and hell even way back in the day,BM is married and around the time we were taking her to court to try for sole coustdy she texts BF one night saying "maybe after all this court stuff is over me and you can try and work things out again i want to be a happy family with you!"What is wrong with her.Have you had this problem too?

Imustbcrazy's picture

When she would go on her rampages she tells DH that he ruined her life by leaving her, and she will tell me that I am a homewrecker and I tore their family apart. So, pretty much she would take him back in a heart beat if he would have her. That is why I get so irritated that she was calling four or five times a week for nothing. I know her VERY well, so I know exactly what she is trying to do when she calls so conviniently on Valentines Day for "something important" or on her birthday... blah.

Potty Training~ He is 2? I wouldn't push it too much yet. Both of my girls were completely potty trained by the age of 2, but boys are WAY different. Every friend I have that has a boy has had the SAME problems. Our additional issue was BM was not enforcing anything on her end. She would put a pull up on him as soon as he got to her house. Going pee was not AS hard as getting him to poop in the pooper. It took a good 6 to 8 months to get him completely trained and he still has an occassional accident. I read every potty training book there is and visited every websire out there and found that most boys have a hard time pooping on the toilet. If at all possible have a chat with BM about the importance of being consistant in these areas. My SS ended up getting really sick because he would hold his poop until he got to his mom's and she would put a pull up on him. It got to the point that he was holding it so long that he got really constipated. It was a night mare. Just take a deep breath, buy a book or two about potty training boys, and maybe give it to BM after you are done reading it. Not that she will read it, but it is worth a try.

Daddys Gurl

It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!

chellebelle143's picture

I wouldn't ever tell him. You can explain why BM and Dad aren't together in other ways, don't lie, but leave that part out. Information like that is better left unsaid, it could lead to serious issues even if he is an adult. I know because an evil family member of mine, told me that my Mother shouldn't have really had me, that the Doctors all suggested a medical abortion. For her it wasn't even an option, but hearing something like that literally knocked the wind out of me. There was nothing physically, or mentally wrong with me, the doctors were just concerned because she became pregnant with me right after she had her copper IUD removed. The use of those IUD's caused Uterine/Cervical cancer. She later had to have a full hysterectomy because of it. I think at the time the docs knew this, and didn't want to have the concern of a fetus, if they need to treat her immediately. Even though my Mom was innocent in this whole fiasco, it still took me time to work through the issue. Not to mention, I didn't have the full story until I went to my Mom,the few hours until I could get to her, were pure HELL. I couldn't stop crying. Do you want to do that to your SS?

What possessed this family member to tell me this? She was mad at my Mom and this was her way of getting back at her. I refuse to speak to this person now. I don't think there is any reason in the world for you or dh to tell ss something like this, it will only hurt him, and it could backfire and make him resent both of you.

**How seldom we weigh our neighbors in the same balance as ourselves. ~Thomas à Kempis**

Riley's picture

I agree with Hanny about reading up on parenting. Parenting is the hardest job in the world that none of us are prepared for without some help. Learn about childhood development and what these little human beings go through from one age to the next. You'll soon discover what is consistent with a certain age and how to deal with the challenges in a healthy and nurturing manner.

You and DH need to determine what your motivation is for telling a child that his mother wanted to abort his birth. There is nothing I can think of that would benefit a child, no matter what age, to know this.

I can understand wanting to explain questions your SS may have about why Mom and Dad aren't together, but it's your job as the adults to explain it in a way that will help him, not put him into a tale-spin. I think you're jumping the gun a bit to wonder what to say down the road. If you are motivated by love, the right words will come at the right time.

kathleen's picture

My two year old started using the potty around 15 months, then stopped. Then started, then stopped. She is 2 years 3 months and sometimes she will use the potty and others the pull up. Depending on her mood. I don't make a big deal out of it. If your step child is changing homes back and forth it is VERY traumatic. I leave for a night and mine flips out. My husband walks into the garage and she flips out. It is the age. Two year olds are a very unique person. Get some books, read about parenting, what to expect from their development and remember, things are never going to be as you plan or imagine. What happens at the ex's house has no barring on what happens at your house. Just don't force the kid to do anything, including using the potty. Boys usually take longer too.

Also, you should see the fits my daughter has. She use to be a head banger. Talk about flipping me out. She knows how to push every button. If I ask her what she wants for breakfast she says "ice-cream" Why not. From her perspective it tastes good. Sometimes I think I'm raising a freakin psycho child and then I remember that this beautiful, amazing little creature is TWO YEARS OLD. And I love her more and more each day.

Please remember, this mother, loves her child. You may have judgment on her but he is her child and he loves her. He can love you too but it is okay if he prefers her.