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littlegrlzx4's picture

I think I've needed a forum like this for a while. I'm completely overwhelmed with being a sm. It's been 2 years and I keep waiting for it to get easier and it's not. My kids aren't faultless but I'm exhausted from constantly fighting with, negotiating with and hearing sass back from 2 kids who are not mine. One sk is manipulative, dishonest and rude to everyone she encounters. The other is argumentative, disrespectful and jelous that I'm in the picture at all. BD wants to make them happy for the 2 weeks a month they are with us but I'm bone tired from dealing with it all.

Does anyone else feel guilty that no matter how hard you try you just can't love your sk the way you love you bio kids? Is anyone else frustrated that you have an immediately shorter fuse with the sk than you do your own kids? I'm trying so hard and its just not getting any easier.


str8_trippin's picture

With that being said, I can understand where you are at. I became a step-mom at the ripe age of 20. 7 years later it is still a challenge! However try not to feel too guilty about not loving his kids as much as your own. They did not pass through your birth canal! Just try to keep in mind the reason behind there unruly behavior. I'm sure they are way jealous!!! My stepson, God love him, has terrible manners as well as role models. His mother never took the time to teach him manners or instill any other virtues. Mainly selfishness and dishonesty.(Anything else would take away her precious time at the bar) When he comes over he sees how much better our enviornment is with our children and it makes these kids resentful. They have been cheated out of a stable household and it takes on the form of manipulation, back talk, and the like. Try to remember that these kids who don't have enough emotional intelligence or coping skills need extra guidance and love. Yes it is very frustrating. However, it's important that your hubby sticks to being the main disciplinarian. A hard thing for fathers to do b/c of the guilt factor. But that is his role and he has to stick by it. Let him know that you refuse to take the brunt of all of this. Negotiating and arguing with children never works. Talk to your hubby about setting firm boundries and disciplinary actions-together as a united front. And stick to your guns! Good luck!

"All that we are is a result of what we have thought."- Buddha

happy's picture

i look back on when i first met the kids, things were good because i was like there not mine and things will change, blah blah blah. well its been 4 years and of course nothing has changed and i know now in my heart that nothing ever will. they were raised in a totally different enviroment then i was and i can't change who they are. the mouths, the disrespect which i just cringe at that from any kid, the feeling totally used, the lies, all of it will never change. because they are not mine. i think that its all in the parent them selves, i truly believe in my parenting and i am pretty sure that my husband and his ex believe in theres although my husband will try to give me advice and then he will say you know actually don't listen to me look at my kids. they are truly a mess. its crazy and its overwhelming and it breaks your heart. i in the beginning would have done anything to make them happy, love them whatever. and anymore i cringe at the thought of my step daughter coming over, because she is snotty and she is better then all and its her house we are just her servants. my ss i cannot even look at because all he does is lie and his dad will not see thru any of it. he is 22 and depends on us to keep him going. its sickening. my kids are far from perfect but i can say that they show respect not just to me but my husband, they will do what is asked of them 95% of the time, 5% i am working on. so i totally know what you are talking about. so like all else here we trudge on for the sake of our marriages because i refuse to let a "grown"kid and 16 year old ruin what i have built with my husband. my husband has no clue because there again my kids don't treat him that way. they have to be nice or mom will sit and have a chat with them. my kids seem more well rounded, they even treat his parents better then the bio's do. its sad in a lot of ways because i truly feel sorry for the daughter as she thinks she is above all people who live in trailers and such. its very sad. but there again not my kid and not my problem. at some point i think you just have to say whatever and wash your hands in order to keep the marriage great. i did not marry my husband for his kids i married him for him. and its his kids who need to change, cuz i am so over all the hurt and pain and crap that goes with it. you know.
honey what you are feeling is normal. skids would probably like all of us if we were not married to one of there parents. i just pray someday they both grow out of the selfishness and see that there dad is truly in love with me and he is happy with me.


" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

evilsm's picture

I too have come to the conclusion that I can only change myself, not my DH or BM or SD for that matter. Trying makes me frustrated, angry and indifferent towards SD and I hate feeling like that. Seperating myself from the parenting of SD has helped a great deal in the past month or so but I keep thinking in the back of my mind that DH will see it differently, like I hate SD or something. I don't hate her, I hate the way she acts and I hate that he does nothing about it. The bottom line is that these children are not ours, we are not the accountable party for how responsible or irresponsible they become as adults, that is the job of thier parents. I am reminded too often that I am not SD's mother, well I know that and I guess I just needed to take the hint and stop trying to act like it.

Littlegirlz4, I am sorry to vent my issues on your post but I do hope that you and your DH can come to some understanding about all the children and get on the same page, otherwise you will be posting here A LOT. Wink


Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.

happy's picture

I too am reminded that SD is not mine. I think the reason I get so aggrivated and let it eat at me, is because I do care and caring can't be well I care about this with you but not that. You know what I am saying. Its hard to be able to do this example,(SD) hey can I have some money to go to the mall, sure. and then a couple days later (SM) hey do you think you can clean the bathroom for me? And here is what I get - NOTHING! The hardest time I am having is I don't even want to talk to either of them because they are so self centered. Its all about them, and its so sad, because they are smart children, but yet they are so dumb if that makes any sense. My husband says that she does not hate me, but you should hear how she talks to me and heaven forbid I ask about her insurance money for her car I mean it is in my name. My husband says I am crazy that she likes me, I am like whatever. Her looks her comments about stuff she will look right at me. its crazy. Seriously. SO I don't even look at her, or talk to her unless she speaks to me. Its sad that it has to be that way but truly in the beginning I tried and didn't give up till this last year. How can we love these men so much yet not want to care for there kids? Does that make any sense?
O'well but I know for me, I have to just say Fu** it or I am going to seriously be a bitch forever.. And I said I want to be happy. LOL..


" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

Anonymous's picture

You have to communicate to you husband how you feel and force him to deal with the negative personality traits of his children, even if that means not "making them happy" while they are at your house.

Sebbie's picture

Lovers do not finally meet somewhere, they were with each other all along.

I have said this time and agian here, but unless you and your dh present yourselves as a UNITED FRONT IN ALL AREA'S with all of the children and remain that way, you will enevitably be dealing with the same issues over and over again. Yes,through your married life with dh you will face many problems in raising children, however, they will be different problems, as each issue that arises is met by dh and you as a united force will eliminate the previous issues together.(Btw, if you and dh disagree on how to handle any given issue with the children, do this in private and come to an agreement lest you destroy the united front you both have created with the children) Also, I agree with Happy, We married our husband's to be with our husband's and vice/versa...and it is because of this that WE as their wives should put them FIRST and they as our husbands should put US first. Respect is earned, not given, and with that in mind, your husband's children are not going to show respect until dh show's them that if they want his respect and his allowing them to do things or buy things( or for that matter have any priviledges in your's and his home) that THEY have to EARN it by showing you , their father and your home the respect that you desearve as well.