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Michellebrand's picture

Sad We fight over everything, literally.... I have a 15 yr old girl and 9 year old boy... He has 14 year old girl and 9 year old boy. I adore his son, he's a lottle whiney, lazy, won't eat .....anything.... But he's not bad, he is sweet and he listens... Sort of. But his daughter is lazy, manipulative, defiant, greedy.... SO and I fight every time I bring anything up... I'm all about respect, you do your chores, you listen, you don't talk back... I'm pretty harsh but I am raising you to learn not coddling you so you live with me for life.
Because he had to fight for custody his daughter was angry when she was ripped from her dysfunctional home... My SO has been kissing her ass since... She miles and whines and he falls for it, she HAS TO GO everywhere with him... Because he spoils her... Not the other3 kids...

So we are constantly fighting over our kids... If I complain that his daughter doesn't doing her chore well, he starts pointing out that my daughter is lacking... If I get on his son for whining... He points out that my son probably started it... He tells me that my son is a bully, that he is mean and hurts his son on purpose... I'm at a loss... My sons father died in 2016 and is jealous of his kid... In not gonna lie I'm SUPER jealous of the attention his daughter gets... We cannot communicate without getting angry and defensive... He talks about my kids to get under my skin, or because he is defensive about me getting on his daughter... I need support... I need to learn how to keep my mouth shut... But Grrrr I get so defensive!!

Indigo's picture

That's how I found StepTalk. One day I realized that I had all these dark, hateful, resentful, jealous, irritational feelings toward SGD-then-9. What grown-ass woman gets that resentful of a 9 year old ? I was horrified to post the first time that I was jealous of SO's late wife and his GD-9 who he'd been raising. I was cross with a dead woman and a child. I was ashamed. Thankfully, some posters ripped me apart for my idealism, while other posters reassured me that I was not alone.

Your bio states that BF just got custody of his 2 kids. Did he have much visitation or access with them before? Mixing households with children close in age who DID NOT CHOOSE this situation will be rough. Welcome

fourbrats's picture

Is your son a bully?

Why did he feel the need to rip her away from her mother? Is his daughter in therapy to help her deal with the resentment of being removed from her mother's care?

Disneyfan's picture

Are his gripes about your kids valid? If so, then focus on your kids and let him worry about his kids.

Iamwoman's picture

Perhaps part of your resentment is that you feel like you give more and care more about his kids than he does yours?

I used to feel this way at first (same as you, I have my own and he has his own and we are a “blended” family), and I explored my resentment and realized that I was trying to be mommyish to all of our kids while he was dad to only his and was just sort of there as a sometimes friendly, sometimes critical “roommate” to mine.

I realized I was under the “fake it ‘til you make it” mentality. I forced myself to act loving and nurturing toward his children, even if I didn’t feel it, because that’s what I thought I should do. I realized that this was more of a societal expectation than an expectation of either my DH or my skids. I also realized I was taking time and energy away from my own child, who was not getting that lost time and energy from my DH because he gave ALL to his own.

I had a talk with DH about this and he was completely understanding (he’s understanding about everything and just wants me to be happy, so if your DH isn’t like this, a talk may not work, but just action on your part). So from that day forward, I went back to focusing on my child as I did when I was a single mom, and although I wasn’t mean to my skids, I put all of the parenting responsibility back on my DH for them.

While nothing is ever perfect in a step family, this works perfectly for us. We can each step in and give attention to our skids when we feel like it, but ultimately, our own kids basic emotional needs are completely our own separate responsibility.

Maybe this would work for you?

Michellebrand's picture

Wow, thank you all. This is all super new to me. My SD is in therapy, my son IS/was a bully (we are working on this). I truly love my SO but our relationship is suffering and I am changing. I used to be loving, caring and I would let shit roll off my back like water on a duck... Lately I'm a total bitch, snapping at his first remark or comment... I don't like me... And our home is becoming hostile.

Disneyfan's picture

So your SO has reason to bitch about your kids the same way to do his daughter, but has made the choice not to. (UNLESS you start in on his kid)Perhaps you should follow his lead on this

The fact that he (and BM) isn't giving you and your son hell for him bullying his kid is amazing.

Michellebrand's picture

I think bullying is a harsh word and you are taking it off of an after school special. They are 2 nine year old boys that need to get over their own shit, yesterday his son snapped at my son when he simply asked him if this was the new minion movie or an old one. I was standing right there and said something to his son about watching the way you talk to peo0le, that he did not deserve the anger. That started the fight between me andSO... That is the type of bullying we are talking about... Not pushing his face into the toilet...

Curious Georgetta's picture

Why not try dating and living apart? If parenting styles are the issue, why not just maintain separate households? At this point , you are not
blending anything; you are breaking the part of your relationship that actually works.

You can be 2 healthy, independent adults who are in a relationship that does not interfere with your parental responsibilities.

Not all loving couples live in the same household and the conflict involved in your living together, may indicate that you would be better off living apart for a while.

There are many perfectly successful but varied parenting styles and no one size fits all models.

Obviously, the 2 of you cannot agree on a patenting style and lack the ability to be nonjudgmental about your partner's parenting style.

The most realistic options seem to be to live apart or separate.

Your partner may be Mr Right but no Mr Right for Now.

still learning's picture

I would stay out of the kids tiffs unless there is blood or violence involved. The boys would likely have worked out their issue, forgotten what was said and watched the movie. My kids are close and in age and there were always little scuffles and drama over the dumbest things. Even now my 15 and 21 yr old sons get into silly fights and most of the time I just walk away. I've learned to stand back and let them solve their own problems.

Ignore the whining, put in headphones or walk away. Giving attention, even negative attention will only magnify it. If sd14 wants to go everywhere w/daddy, great. Less time for her to hang out at home w/you. I'd be encouraging that to the fullest extent, make everyday Take your daughter to work day Wink

My kids get allowance so if they do a crappy job on a chore and I have to do it then they have to pay me out their allowance.

Rags's picture

So, IMHO the question is... why would you tolerate this crap and why on Earth would your expose your own children to the abject failure waste of skin of a parent and his coddled toxic spawn.

I suggest that you get your kids as far away from this shallow and polluted gene pool as quickly as you can before the start to mutate in the wrong direction.

Take care of you, take care of your kids, and don't settle for anyone less than an equity life partner of quality... rather than a whiney failure of a parent.

Good luck.