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Convincing DH to File for Child Support

Boysmomma3's picture

I’m new to this forum so looking for advice. We have had a rollercoaster of court cases with BM over the past 10 years because of the questionable and dangerous behavior she has shown towards DSS. Five years ago my DH was awarded full custody and BM was awarded supervised visitation and some other stipulations put in place in order to have supervision removed. DH was also awarded child support. Fast forward 5 years and BM doesn’t see DSS because she can’t get her act together (their are substance abuse issues). Here is where I need advice. I am the breadwinner so I have taken on a lot of the financial burden over the years. Very soon DSS will be driving so he will need a car, auto insurance, gas, car maintenance, and not to mention all of the high expenses already involved with having a high schooler involved in sports. My DH still hasn’t registered through the state for child support because his attorney told him that the courts could evaluate his income and adjust the child support at any time. First, his attorney is an idiot and jerk. His ex is never getting this kid back. Second, who cares if they do. Even if the support decreases at least we are getting something to help off set this cost. Third, I have friends who have been through this process and they have never had their income re-evaluated for no reason. I think it’s all excuses. Does anyone have any advice on how to convince a spouse to register for child supoort? Please don’t attack me. I’m hanging on by a thread here and am looking for some guidance. I love my DSS more than life itself and will always find a way to give him the best life I can, I am just so stressed about juggling all of these finances especially when the ex is supposed to help pay for this stuff. Thanks everyone.

TwoOfUs's picture

My younger sister is in the same boat.

Got a surprise kid about...gosh. 7 or 8 years ago now? He was 5. Her husband had no idea. DSS showed up at their door with this scared little child who couldn't tie his own shoe, count to ten, or go to the bathroom by himself. was substance abuse, of course. The BM got her 3 kids by 3 different men taken away after she drove with them in the car while under the influence of meth not once but TWICE. This kid was the oldest...the result of a high school relationship.

Needless to say, it really rocked my sister and her husband's world. My sister had just had her first baby less than a year before this boy showed up...and suddenly she had two kids.

They did paternity testing, her husband was the father and...props to my sister...she insisted on filing for full custody right away...and paid for the lawyer because her husband was out of work at the time. Fast forward to now, they got full custody with very limited supervised visitation, he's in Junior High, routinely makes A's, is in sports...and a super great big brother to my sister's two children...especially my 4-year-old nephew who looks up to him so much.

My sister loves this was rough at first, but it's hard not to love him because he's a great kid. Her husband makes enough money to support his kid...and my sister has a good job, too. And it STILL bugs her that the BM isn't paying any of her CS obligation and her husband won't press the issue. I think it's just the principal of the thing.

So, judgment here. The BM is just as responsible for providing for her kid as your husband is. It is maddening.

Disneyfan's picture

This is easy. Unplug the ATM until he is ready to hild mom financially responsible for the child she helped create.

Your husband isn't going after CS because He has your pockets to fall back on. Once you start making life uncomfortable for him, he will start giving BM hell.

twoviewpoints's picture

" Very soon DSS will be driving so he will need a car, auto insurance, gas, car maintenance, and not to mention all of the high expenses already involved with having a high schooler involved in sports."

You simply tell your Dh that none of this may be happening for the teen IF he does march his buns down to child support enforcement and pursue the CS order he currently has and has had for FIVE YEARS.

Sure, the order amount may be reviewed. They may do a income discovery of both your DH and the mother. Rightly so. You want BM to pay the correct amount. BM is now currently five years in arrears. This monthly support is not meant to be optional , your DH has denied his son the teen's legal right to be supported by his biological mother.

While it is a very generous thing you have done by financing your SS's needs over the years and helped your husband make the financial obligations necessary in raising a child, your Dh has been doing both you and his son a disservice by not following through to what the court's say the child is legally entitled to from his mother.

You tell your Dh you can't keep up with all these expenses and that he has no choice but to pursue his son's legal rights. Yeah, nothing may really come of it (if BM doesn't have money, well one can't get blood out of a turnip), but he must try.

And for what it's worth, no child is entitled to a car, car insurance, gas nor vehicle maintenance , whether his NCP parent is paying CS or not. Many children are expected to work part time jobs, only occasionally drive their parents vehicle ect. If your DH wants his son to not have to assist in acquiring the privilege of driving (which is what it is, a privilege, not a birth right) then your DH will have to figure out how DH is going to solely pay for it. Sure, you can help with some of the cost if you'd like to and have the cash, but if you can't or wish not to bare the burden he must remember this is not your financial obligation, it is his (or his and the mother's).

Boysmomma3's picture

This is great insight and I appreciate it. Also, I know that driving and having a license is a privilege. My DSS has been working for 2 years to save up for a vehicle and fuel cost. We are not the parents that hand him a shiny new car on his 16th birthday. He has been working hard and saving birthday money. He should also benefit from the CS money his mother is responsible for paying to offset this cost.

Ispofacto's picture

My DH has sole custody of Killjoy. Even though DH makes a substantial income, BM is still a parent and still has an obligation to contribute SOMETHING. So BM was assessed the state minimum ($50/week here). She made no effort to pay and amassed a debt with CSE. Eventually she went on SSDI and got a lump sum backpay retroactive to her filing date, plus a monthly award for the dependant child. It all went to DH because he is the CP. BM complained because the lump sum was slightly higher than what she owed plus interest, so she demanded a refund for more than the difference. The GAL smacked her down because she has never contributed a single dime to Killjoy's medical expenses, which she is also responsible for half of regardless of her ability to pay. So now DH gets $145/month "CS" from SSA, which is less than the $50/week state minimum. And BM cries that we are stealing "her" money. DH could actually go after her for more though, because our state just revised CS rules to include SSDI as "income". But we will never recoup the full amount of Killjoy's medical expenses.

Going on SSI was BM's life ambition, she started trying when she turned 18. All the while she worked the bare minimum hours to still qualify for food stamps and EIC, whilst also skimming money from the cash registers of her employers. She got fired frequently for theft and poor attendance. She called her mother frequently to brag about her antics and update her mom on how many 'quarters' she had left to go to qualify for SSI. At age 32 she was able to retire from the working world with the bare minimum SSDI award, but she knew it would be supplemented with need-based SSI once she qualified. So now she gets section eight housing, food stamps, energy assistance, free phone, free medical, free prescriptions, plus the cash awards. And she lives fulltime with a boyfriend who earns good money. She has all the time in the world to annoy the shit out of everyone.

But anyway, I digress...I guess my point is, beware of trying to get blood out of a stone. The only reason we get anything at all is because BM has a documented income. Your BM sounds like a winner, like ours. Be glad she is out of the picture.

I don't know the laws in your state, but you are correct, DH doesn't have anything to lose by trying. It's not like he would end up owing her anything, most states have a minimum contribution rule. At least if he gets and award and she somehow wins the lottery or gets a big inheritance, the debt will be officially on the books. Or maybe she could get arrested for non-payment. CS is big money to the states, so most states have procedures in place to allow any custodial parent to file for CS without a lawyer for free or almost free. If his CO already has an award in it, he should be able to take that to the county courthouse clerk's office for information on how to get it enforced. Just don't get your hopes up for any money to come your way.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

You tell him it's his job to support the kid. He either works to make up the difference or he goes for support.

I've pulled the or else card with SO and money before.

He doesn't "feel like" he needs disability from being shot while overseas.

I said it's not for you and me it's for the kids and you're wrong for not getting everything you can to support them. I may have added if he didn't try I wouldn't be sticking around. This was two months into our dating.

I looked up the information and I showed him how at bare minimum the smallest amount he would get is the difference between us staying in this two bedroom and getting a 3 bedroom so the kids don't have to share and MAYBE we can have one together.

I keep showing him the money he could get any time he gets tired of the hoops. I show it to him to remind him he HAS to let them know how the PTSD impacts his ability to provide or even do normal things like go to a mall.

To get him to stop down playing his pain and the fact he can't feel 1/3 of his body.

Not to lie but to suck up his pride and do right by the kids by getting what is legally decided he deserves.

Your partner is supporting his child and letting BM off the hook at the cost of his child. He's wrong for it and needs to be called out.

hereiam's picture

Let him know that you will no longer take on the financial responsibility of a kid that already has 2 parents.

Why have you let this go on for 5 years?

justkeepstepping's picture

My DH was awarded sole custody and child support of the skids nearly 3 years ago. He filed with the child support office and they refused to go after BM for CS even though he has a CO. We haven't saw a dime, and they say she owes ZERO dollars if we call.

Just J's picture

Your DH for sure needs to go after child support that your SS deserves, but I think you need to change your mindset that your SS "needs" a car and insurance. This is not a need, it's a want, and I'm of the mind that teens who want to drive need to at least chip in for, if not fully fund on their own, that privilege. But, that aside, you need to light a fire under your DH's ass. Stop funding everything for him. How would he be supporting his son if you weren't around? He'd have to figure it out like the rest of us adults, and by paying for everything, you're just enabling him to not even try.

mommadukes2015's picture

I just printed out the forms, told SO where to sign and when to show up. That's how it works unfortunately in my house. I am our main financial planner. We both make the same amount of $$ but BM's excuses are always that "shes working" so she can't see SS regularly or bring him to drop off if he does go. I figured well, if this b is working all the time she can pay to support her child.

witch.hazel's picture

He's lazy. He doesn't "need" to file for child support to pay his son's expenses because he's got you. Quit paying. He's gotten plenty of help from you already due to your helping take care of the child, probably cleaning up for, cooking for, taking places, showing love and affection, dealing with the school, and countless other ways.

Tell him if he doesn't file, you're closing your wallet.

Stepped in what momma's picture

I would tell him that you aren't paying for a kid that isn't yours anymore. This kid has two parents to pay for it and if your husband doesn't feel like he needs the help of the BM it is because he has you there doing for him anyway. Harsh but true, stop it now, it is not your place to have to buy this kid. Your husband has been getting a great deal for a long time, let him know "deal days are over".
Separate your finances so he knows that you not are joking. I hate grown men that mooch off of others.

Goodluck's picture

No teenager NEEDS to be licensed.

Just for giggles call your car insurance company and ask them how much it will cost to add a 15 or 16 year old NEW driver to your policy.

All cars in your driveway will be viewed by insurance as cars the new driver MAY drive. Doesn't matter if if if he was told he can not have the keys to your BMW. Insurance companies assume there "MAY" be a event causing the new driver TO drive. So, all drivers in the family and all cars in the family will be covered.

Sorry about this...

FYI at our house when the kid graduates HIGH SCHOOL that is when they can get their license. I wont get into additional details about when and how they pay for their own cell phones, stashing enough of their pay check to get personal loans for a used car, warranties on cars and how they manage to pay for their own insurance.

Every family is different and we have our share of parents who put bows and balloons on new cars for their 16 year old sweeties pies. That is their business.

Oldmom's picture

1st question. Does this mother work at all?

2nd. If she does work, has she paid anything at all?

3rd. If he does file the paperwork is this going to get her to pay or will this be a headache your husband does not want or need?

Boysmomma3's picture

She does work on and off, She has never paid anything because she feels like it is unfair that she has to and that my DH should be paying her even though she isn’t allowed to see her son. Weird. It might cause some headache but her wages would be garnished and her taxes would be claimed for past due CS. This would be a start.

Boysmomma3's picture

Thanks everyone for the feedback. It was very helpful. I am already taking action based on some of your advice. Also, some of you commented that driving is not a necessity and that teens could pay for their own cars. Well, that is exactly what is happening in my house. My DSS has been working for 2 years (while attending school, playing sports, and volunteering), to save up for his car. He knows he doesn’t get a free ride on anything and that he will not get a brand new shiny car for free on his 16th birthday. I appreciate everyone’s insight.

Rags's picture

My opinion is that a child has a right to an equity share of their parent's income and it is the duty of the CP to make sure that the kid has access to that income whether it is from the CP or the NCP.

That was our governing philosophy during the 16+ years we lived under my SS-25's custody/visitation/support CO. My bride was the CP the entire time with full physical and legal custody. SS is the eldest of 4 out-of-wedlock spawn by 3 different baby mamas on the SpermIdiots side of the equation.

SS always had the full benefit of mine and my DW's joint income which was as much as 10X more than the SpermIdiot's income. Though we didnt need the CS we felt that SS had a right to see his SpermIdiot actively participate in his support so we kept the DipShitIot on the hook.

As for what is covered by CS... unless otherwise stipulated in the CO or covered in any supplemental rules in play in the jurisdiction where the CO is issued, CS is the NCPs entire financial obligation for the support of the kid(s).

We attempted to get the NCP to reimburse us for half of extracurricular activities costs but the Judge gave us clarity on this issue. With the exception of being on the hook for half of any medical costs not covered by insurance his CS was the SpermIdiot's entire support obligation for my Skid. The cost of extracurricular activities, driving, etc, etc, etc.... was included in the CS obligation.