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New here- alone time with adult kids

DonnaReed's picture

Hello all,

Background- I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years. I have 3 teens, one at home and 2 in college. He has 2 daughter 21 and 18. We do not live together due to the kids and the fact that trying to combine homes with 5 almost grown kids seems silly and have decided to wait. The problem is with my bf and his relationship with his oldest d. The girls won't stay with their mother because they don't like her new husband, so they stay with him full time. When his oldest is home from college, he wants to spend every second with her that he can. I understand that because she is graduating and probably moving away in a few months, but the problem is he seems to intentionally exclude me. She is home now for break and I haven't seen him since Saturday. This weekend he mentioned that he was taking his girls and their boyfriends to a nearby town for dinner. I asked what time, assuming I was invited, and he said he wanted some alone time with the kids. I got kind of upset and said it wasn't really alone time if everyone was going. Basically I'm the only one excluded. Is this normal? He has a lot of guilt and fears about the girls leaving home. I do get time with my kids alone and enjoy it, but it's almost like he never wants me around when she is home. For God's sake I haven't been around at all this week.

notsobad's picture

No, it's not normal.
He treating her like the loved and cherished one and you like the side piece who's there for him when she's unavailable.
The reason doesn't really matter. He's treating you badly.

Dovina's picture

Yes that's normal for a guilty daddy enmeshed with an entitled daughter, unfortunately.
Do not want to sound negative at all, but from what you have written, be prepared to be continuously excluded and the last place ribbon regarding his daughter. Don't get me wrong, when she is busy with her life your BF will want you around. Rinse repeat.
Either clear up how you feel about this to your BF and see if the BF adjusts his behavior, or be prepared to always feel second best. If that's the case I would find a BF who cherishes you.

Merry's picture

Partners in normal relationships discuss plans--not announce an activity and by the way you're not invited. And he's showing his kids that it's not important to treat you as his partner, because he certainly isn't. You're the side chick -- but it seems he prefers the company of his daughters. If the girls specifically asked him not to include you, then he demonstrated that he doesn't have the cajones to tell them no, and he'd rather upset you than upset them. If he chose not to invite you, well, he's either afraid of his daughters, and again willing to upset you, or he just doesn't want your company. Either way, no good.

I have no problem with DH spending alone time with his adult kids. I wish he would do more of it. But I can't imagine him saying I wasn't invited to something. That's just not what loving partners do.

DonnaReed's picture

Thanks everyone. The girls seem to genuinely like me and I have never had an issue with them treating me badly. He just seems so possessive of his time with them. Like we can't all go together? I'm getting tired of feeling in the way.

SacrificialLamb's picture

You have not had an issue with his DDs because they know you are not competition to them. So many of us had SDs who were accepting of us until they realized we were permanently intruding upon their defined family. These girls may think you are daddy's booty call; they see how he treats you as well.

ms_traverse's picture

I came into the picture when my bf's two oldest were close to moving out to college (where they are now). He only got them every other weekend. So when he had them I wouldn't usually see them a lot if at all. I understood that he was trying to spend a lot of time together with them before they went away. He would take just them camping or plan stuff for just them and not invite me. I saw myself as the new gf and my relationship with two older daughters really wasn't as important (the awkwardness of getting to know someone new and traversing that) when he had such little time with them before they left. I was completely fine with that (I'm an introvert busy with my own kids). But now it's getting weird when we talk about Christmas and what he should do for that... come to my family's Christmas or have a Christmas alone with them. Or when I don't get invited to their outings... but then planned my own vacation including him and created this big mess by not thinking to invite his girls. I do not have much a relationship with them. If I would start again it would have been much healthier for me to be apart of their time together. So I don't have any advice. Just someone else with weird college age kid things going on. And it kind of sucks. Sorry.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You could maybe justify his having dinner with just his girls. There is no way to justify him taking his girls and their boyfriends and not you! That is just rude and somewhat odd.

StepMat789's picture

This would put me on the offensive greatly and I would be questioning what I am really getting out of this relationship. If this was a dinner with just the daughter, I see this as being a father - daughter thing. But, when the BF is invited and you are not, that is pretty much an asshat move. Three years in a relationship is a long time to be excluded from a dinner with the SDs.

DonnaReed's picture

Exactly. He has gone to see his daughter at school without me and it doesn't bother me at all. I will do the same with my kids. But to specifically tell me he doesn't want me to go is weird and shady.

StepMat789's picture

Once my HUSBAND planned a "date" for his daughter, myself and him to go to a dinner theater. My children were with their dad and it was just to be us three. I was actually looking forward to spending time with SD. Thirty mins before we left my SD had a complete melt down because I was going. Needless to say they went and I stayed behind. I was angry and embarrassed. I was 100% convinced it was my SD way to show who the big dog was in the house.

As they returned, I hit the light right when they pulled in the drive. He tippy toed upstairs wanting to talk. I flipped the light on, my eyes were swollen with the tears I had shed. Never in my life had I ever had anyone treat me with such disrespect. I looked him square in the eye and said, I hope you had a wonderful evening with SD. You should enjoy time with your children. I then took his hand and firmly said never again will you choose to your SD melt downs over our relationship. I would have happily enjoyed an evening with my friends or home alone, if they were planning to go out with just the two of them. Seven years later, I have not been in the situation again.

SugarSpice's picture

the skids especially the daughter were always trying to turn their father into a husband or boyfriend.

i was often in tears for years when dh treated me do poorly. it took time for me to develop a thick skin.

the skids thanks to being raised by bm, have made totally messes of their lives with stupid decisions and treating others badly.

now i get to hear all the horrible things that happen to them and laugh to myself.

what goes around some around.

notsobad's picture

Oh, he'll make the booty call once his daughter is gone. She is meeting all his emotional needs but he can't sleep with her.

mro's picture

" graduating and probably moving away in a few months"
Be prepared for that not to happen. You are wise to not move forward until everybody is on his or her own. Mini-wife will likely return "home " and settle in with Daddy if he does not put his foot down.

I don't get the obsession with spending alone time on "dates" with adult kids of the opposite sex. I get an occasional special occasion , but isn't it healthier for people do most of their socializing with people their own age?

SugarSpice's picture

when sd was a young adult she would hint for her father to take her for rides in the convertible classic car. as a teen she was the life of the party then she moved in with us for college and had no friends. she had very few dates and was using her father as a boy friend. she looked like a very young mistress with an older man the way she hung all over him.

she would see me as a romantic rival. it was very unhealthy. one time she went out camping with her father and several adult male friends.

there she was a young woman with seven men in their fifties. she soaked up all the attention. i was disgusted.

marblefawn's picture

If there was a solution to your problem, half of us wouldn't be on this site!

I'll tell you one thing. You are brilliant to not be married or shacking up with this guy. Absolutely keep it that way until you are satisfied with how things are regarding his kids.

If you want to see how much he'll bend on this issue, tell him the truth: if he wants a Donna Reed family in the future, he needs his kids to get to know you, to expect you to be a regular presence, to see that HE expects you to be a regular presence even when they are there. They will follow his lead in their treatment of you. If he treats you as something that can be "paused" until they're unavailable, they will all treat you that way. He is setting them up to treat you as disposable. This is a solid argument to present to him. If he can't see it that way, use this time to start thinking of life without him.