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Feeling fed up

Boss_lady973's picture

I came into this relationship with my now husband a few years ago. I had 1 son from a previous relationship and he had 1 son from a previous relationship. My DH and DSS was living with his parents and DSS mother was not really in the picture, here and there! A year later, we had our first child together and I moved out of state due to some family issues. A few months later, we bought a house together and we found out we were having our 2nd child together. From the moment DH mother knew we were serious, she felt threatened, feeling I was going to take her son and first grandson away. From the beginning, she's been trying to tear us apart. Anyways, now that we've been living together for a couple of years, things have been really trying for me. I am now a stay at home mom with all 4 of the kids. DH first son is the oldest and he is treated differently than my first son. He is treated differently by DH and MIL. When she watches them on the weekend, she always have a problem with just my first son. She gets so dramatic about what he did and oh she couldn't handle it, he's only 4. She goes on vacation and only takes DSS. She comes to spend the weekend with us and takes DSS someplace just the 2 of them. DH has no problem disciplining my DS but never disciplines his DS. MIL even told me that she treats my son differently and that I bet not do the same to DSS out of spite. She comes over and babies DSS and allows him to get away with things that they know we don't allow in our house. DH doesn't say anything, just make excuses. I can't even discipline DSS because it won't hold with DH so I have given up. I still do for him as I would my own but when it comes to that, I leave it alone. My DS even feels he's being treated differently and asks me why! DH had the nerve to tell me last night that since I don't discipline DSS, why does he need to call me mom, he said I don't care about him. I never get for mines and not him. I spend the same amount of time with him than I do with my own. I never told him to call me mom. Since his mom is not in his life and hasn't been in almost 4 years, he called me mom. I can't stand to see this happening and no matter what I say to them, things don't change. DSS even plays on getting his way,if I tell him no or discipline him, he will start fake crying and call his grandma to tell her what happened, then she tries to tell me what I should do in my household. I don't think this is going to work. The older he gets, the worse it is going to get and I can no longer stand my child feeling this way! Any advice?? Thank you all for your time!

Boss_lady973's picture

This is both of our 1st marriage. My son I am talking about is my first born from a previous relationship. I am not working, I am a stay at home mom all day everyday and a full time student! I have talked to him many, many times about the divisiveness and he first said he didn't know what I was talking about. Then he said we would have a family meeting so he could speak to the kids and get it cleared up. And has never done so. He let's his first son do what ever he want's just to get out of DH's hair!

Boss_lady973's picture

I don't believe I stated in my post that they treated our 2 kids together different. I only stated my 1st born DS. I never said I wasn't attached to his son. We are more attached than he is to his own mother! I don't understand what your trying to say.

Boss_lady973's picture

Oh, my apologies!! Our 2 kids together are young, so I kind of understood them not going but my first DS should have been able to go! She does things out of spite.

Disneyfan's picture

So the 3 kids that are your husband's are treated the same by him and his mother? If so,then MIL isn't doing anything wrong.

Your MIL is not obligated to do anything with your oldest son, much less treat him like one of her grandkids. Your oldest will not receive the special grandma treatment that your SS and younger two get because he isn't her grandchild. So no, he doesn't get to go on vacation with MIL or on special outings with her.
Where are your parents and his father's parents?

Stop sending your oldest son to MIL's house on the weekends. That way you won't have to hear her complain about his behavior. Of course the other option would be to correct his behavior so that she doesn't have anything to complain about.

twoviewpoints's picture

" When she watches them on the weekend, she always have a problem with just my first son. She gets so dramatic about what he did and oh she couldn't handle it, he's only 4."

You and DH dump four kids (three of them age four and under)on MIL and you can't understand if she says she can't handle it? Seriously? Wanna know why SS is 'eaasier' for her? Because she spent years raising SS/ He lived there. They have their rules and routines. They also have a close bond with each other that's been long established that MIL doesn't share with your son.

You didn't mention how old SS is...just that he's the oldest. Truthfully, I'm having a bit of trouble understanding how/why the idea of your son and your two youngest babies/toddler failing to be going and doing everything with Grandma that SS does/goes. You do know how much effort and hardship it is to haul four kids around, right? Three being four and under. Just maybe the younger children's 'day' aka time hasn't come yet. Call me back when they're five and spend me one at a time.

I think MIL and you could maybe work this out between you IF you drop the butt load of resentment off your should and talk the facts and issues. If you give a few specifics of what MIL does (besides only taking the oldest with her and doing vacations) I'm sure the ladies here can give advice and tips. For example, if she's arriving for a weekend visit in her home and brings a wonderful treat or bag of stuff for SS and zip for the other kids? Shut that sh*t down. Now. She can save her wonderful treat and/or bag of goodies for when she is on one of her vacations with SS. When she walks into your front door, she follows your household ways.

Boss_lady973's picture

Maybe it was the way I was raised or my beliefs, but some of the comments I've read, I couldn't believe I was reading them! I didn't expect for people to tell me to get over it and to basically stop whining! Is this not a forum for blended families to come and chat and get advice on situations that they are going through? I guess I was wrong. I can not just get over it or accept the fact that I would be looked upon as being a bad parent if I didn't treat my SS the same as my own but it is ok for DH or MIL to do it. After she admitted that she treats my DS differently and that I bet not treat SS differently out of spite is unacceptable and for DH to be right there and know what's going on and not say anything just further let me know that this is not the type of relationship my kids need to be apart of. Kids feel that and some tend to act out feeling like an outcast and i'll be D*** if my child continues to be subjected to it. Thank you ladies that gave me some good advice. Be blessed

Rags's picture

I would say that you have abandoned far too much control to the gene pool personality cult made up of your MIL, DH, and his prior relationship crotch nugget.

If you are going to save yourself and your children from the same fate as your DH and SS you are going to have to find some spine, set some boundaries, jerk a knot in all three of their tails and keep it tight.

So, I suggest that you set the following behavioral boundaries.

1. MIL immediately treats all of her grand kids in a comperable manner or she is gone from their lives except under your direct supervisiont.

2. DH steps up and parents to YOUR standards or ... he learns how life is an NCP with a massive multi-kid CS obligation paid to you.

3. SS is held to more stringent behavioral standards than any children in the picture that are younger than he is. He is one of the two elder boys, they are held to a higher behavioral standards than the younger kids.

Be proactive. Go see a lawyer and map out your exit strategy in the event that DH and MIL do not get and stick with the program.

This can work but if you do not want you and your kids to be the victims of the toxic genetic personality dynamic you will have to act and force the issues to resolution sooner rather than later.

Good luck.

Disneyfan's picture

MIL IS treating all of HER GRANDKIDS the same. The OP's oldest child is not MIL's grandchild.

The only kid with a behavior problems is the OP's oldest kid.

Rags's picture

This is from the OP.

"MIL even told me that she treats my son differently and that I bet not do the same to DSS out of spite. She comes over and babies DSS and allows him to get away with things that they know we don't allow in our house. DH doesn't say anything, just make excuses. I can't even discipline DSS because it won't hold with DH so I have given up. I still do for him as I would my own but when it comes to that, I leave it alone. My DS even feels he's being treated differently and asks me why! DH had the nerve to tell me last night that since I don't discipline DSS, why does he need to call me mom, he said I don't care about him. I never get for mines and not him. I spend the same amount of time with him than I do with my own."

What did I miss?

Thanks,

Acratopotes's picture

Oh Hon, remember this, your fist born is not family to MIL - there's no need for her to even look after your bio or do anything for him. She will never be his family.... she will always treat him like this and it's not wrong.

You just have to star accepting it, Now if you drop all kids off at MIL, why not keep your bio and spend some quality time with him? Then he will know his mother treats him differently then the others, teach your son lessons in life and values, and he never should call the old b!tch Granma... he should call her Mrs B!tch.....

Then simply tell DH - he will step up and start parenting his son and leave your son alone, you will discipline your son when and how is none of his beeswax.

You have to make the best of this now, you where to hasty to shag up with this guy and have more kids, you thought that it would be easy, well it's not blended family life is pure hell....

oh Hon get a job, start looking for one and even if you have to arrange daycare for your bio, get out of the house, start saving , I'm sorry to say but I give your marriage only another 5 years if that long, before you are done and then you will have no savings to simply take your 3 bios and walk away...