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SD hates me now

boots415's picture

I posted this in another forum. I hope that's ok??? I'm just looking for as many opinions/suggestions as I can get.

I have been in my SD's life for 7 years. She's now 17 years old. I've always been close to her (or so I thought). We watched certain TV shows together, went to movies, looked up colleges and scholarships, went prom dress shopping. All sorts of things. A few months back, we found out she wasn't doing her schoolwork and was failing multiple classes. My husband got after her and told her she would be grounded all summer. (This was about the 3 or 4th time she's done this.) It was like someone flipped a switch, and she turned into a different kid overnight. She left the house while my husband and I were both at work. We didn't know where she was. It turns out that she called her mom to come get her. (We had full custody.) She's now living w/ her mom full time. She said she hates me and her dad. She said I am not her family. She said she was always uncomfortable and miserable at our house. All sorts of really nasty stuff. She came over to our house a few mos ago while I was at work. They talked about things a little bit. He told her that she was wrong and that I didn't deserve any of that. She told him she regrets everything she said and did. He told her it's up to her to reach out and make amends to me. When she said she didn't know how to, he told her to start by opening up the lines of communications. I thought maybe she'd text me to get the ball rolling, but I never heard from her.

Since school started, we've gone to some of her sporting events. It's much easier for my husband to forgive her, because of the whole unconditional love thing. It's not so easy for me. The hard part for me is that in my head I know that it's his daughter and he will love her no matter what. But my heart hurts, because I feel like any time he talks to her (which is rare) or we go to one of her events, it's like telling her that what she said/did is no big deal. It's like giving her permission to treat me that way. Part of me feels betrayed by the fact that he still wants to see her and talk to her. I know that's not right to think that way, but I can't help it. I'm sorry this is so long. I guess I'm just looking for help in how to deal w/ not feeling betrayed.

AWWKNSWTD's picture

Kids can be really nasty to their parents (bio or step). I can see how she doesn't know how to repair the relationship. Any chance you would be willing to take the first step? Part of being a parent is being the grown-up, the mature one. Ask her to meet your for coffee sometimes -- see how it goes.

Did you never spout off at your mother -- say horrible things to her? If no, I think that is unusual. If yes, the difference between you and your SD is you likely didn't have another home to opt into. So you likely had to apologize. I use to go days without speaking to my mother and I think I am a pretty pleasant adult.

Do not push your H away from his D. It likely will come back to haunt you.

boots415's picture

I did reach out to her via text a while ago. I told her that I was taking my niece to the movies and she could come w/us if she wanted. I was trying to be the bigger person. I thought I would reach out to her to make it easier on her since is the child. Right after I sent the text (w/i minutes) we found out she was posting some very hurtful stuff on the computer. It was something so mean and hurtful that it cut me to my core and felt like a knife in my heart. She never responded to my text, which I guess is good because I don't know how I would've responded. So to answer your question, I did take the 1st step. Or tried to anyways. I don't see myself as reaching out to her again.

I definitely spouted off to my mom when I was younger. I think everybody has. We used to fight all the time. The biggest difference is that w/ a biological relationship, you can forgive each other easier, and you move on. You know that conditional love is there. Not so much w/ steps.

I definitely am not trying to keep my husband away from her. In fact, I told him he might have to have a relationship w/ her that does not include me. I came on here so I could share my feelings about feeling betrayed so I didn't have to tell him. We normally can talk about anything. I don't want to burden him w/ the fact that it hurts me.

boots415's picture

Like I said, I know in my head that it is his daughter. My heart feels differently. I know that's not rational or mature. That's why I came on this site looking for some support. By support, I don't mean somebody telling me I'm right. I just want to be able to vent open and honestly and for people to talk some sense into me. Hopefully in a decent manner, w/o being rude about it. Just reading that you said my feelings are not unfounded makes me feel better.

I attend the events more to be there for my husband. That is a good point you bring up, though. It's also because I'm trying to be a little mature about it. The day she moved out, I told her that we would always love her no matter what. I'm trying to stick to that - even though it's very hard for me.

You also bring up a good point about showing her how to be the bigger person. I understand what you're saying. I guess I want her to apologize from the heart. Not because someone is making her to or telling her to. I need to know she is sincere.

boots415's picture

Thank you both for not being rude or sarcastic. I've seen a lot of people on here be that way.

Acratopotes's picture

boots - I know what you went through, same thing happened with me and instead of disengaging immediately I tried to get the brat sorted out and did all the... she did not mean it she's only a teen thing, but guess what, it came back and bit me again.

Eventually to save my relationship with SO, I moved out of the house, and I fully disengage, by doing this Aergia can never hurt me again, I'm done with the brat... and I had to find out, although she lived with us full time, she and BM was in cahoots for breaking us up.... the more I disengaged the better life got.... now I could care less what Aergia does, say and cry about, I keep on saying - I'm not your mother ask her - talk to her....

Maybe you should start disengaging, this means you fell nothing for this brat, no forgiveness, no forgetting, focus on DH and yourself.... treat your brat SD like a stranger from another city... If Aergia greets me I greet back if she ignores my I ignore back....