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Disappointing News from Doctor

SAHsigh's picture

I am SM to twin SS7/SD8 on a 50/50 custody schedule, no bios of my own. I have been SM since the twins were in diapers. DH and I have been trying to have a baby and it culminated with DH seeing a doctor. The results we got today were very poor. The doctor's prognosis was bad enough that he jumped to last ditch options/adoptions. We weren't expecting something that serious and the IVF/sperm donor/adoption talk still isn't sitting well with me.

The kind of thoughts reeling through my head are numerous and mostly negative so I won't bother sharing them. There is a very real sense of sadness, though. I really don't know what to do but I know that I won't be able to make a decision until my head is a lot clearer. Feeling really low...

To make matters more frustrating, BM is acting weird again. She wants to have a mysterious talk with DH tomorrow morning but she won't say what about. The last time she requested that was about two years ago and it wound up in a relocation hearing. (It's not worth going into details but BM won the right to relocate but couldn't because she couldn't sell her rather expensive house so nothing changed. These days the schedule is still 50/50 but usually in DH's favor because she's always got things coming up or is out of town.) She was even talking about some kind of far off move (she talks a lot about it but rarely does something and she hates the area where we live) but now it's dawning on us that maybe she was trying to feel us out for another relocation hearing. Don't know if she'll be able to make it to this mysterious talk tomorrow anyway because she's had the flu and requested we keep kids for her only overnights this week for sake of contagion/recovery.

I feel like a total heel but, as much as I love my SKs, as much as I love being with them, as much as they love me, with news like this from the doctor today -- they feel like a reminder of what I can't have with my husband, that I am an outcast in our little family, and that I may never get to be a mom.

I very much needed to vent today.

Indigo's picture

Vent away!

Regarding infertility issues, you are not alone. Does DH have low sperm count? Infertility treatments are much more easily accessible and economical than they were a few years ago. IVF/sperm donor discussions are not 'last ditch efforts,' merely options.

My BS-14 is the result of 10 years of infertility, ICSI, AH, IVF since my exDH had less than 2% viable sperm. The rest were 'cone heads.' Ten years later, with even less viable sperm, he successfully had twins with his current wife.

SAHsigh's picture

DH had a vasectomy rather hastily after his divorce with BM. The procedure was just about five years ago and we were told we stood a good chance with a reversal. Since DH and I have been together, we kept a reversal in mind and the doctors we saw all originally gave us the green light until pre-op appt. They cancelled the procedure told us and our options were IVF, sperm donor, or adoption. The doctor even told us that IVF didn't even look that great because DH's body has changed more quickly than they originally thought. Doc also said we wouldn't be able to look into what we would need in our area because the kind of procedure we would need is only done in large centers like NYC.

We found out over the weekend that IVF may be covered by insurance so we're looking into it. (The egg retrieval process sounds grueling, by the way.) We also found out that there is a fertility clinic only an hour away from our home and my boss (of all people) shared with me that he and his wife were told the same thing, went to the clinic he recommended, and they were successful. I guess my boss even had the same issues my DH and I were facing right down to creepy specifics.

Maybe there's hope after all?

z3girl's picture

I know how you feel.

I was in complete shock when our fertility issues were more DH's "problem" than my own. I figured since he had SD, he was fine. I was told we had a less than 3% chance of ever having children, even if my fertility were perfect.

We ended up going to the Czech Republic to have IVF before it was covered on any of our insurance.

Take some time for yourself. We didn't start IVF until a couple years after diagnosis, so I guess it took time to finally get that point.

We now have 3 children. BS5 was conceived naturally between rounds of IVF. BS4 and BS1 were completely unassisted. You never know...

Best of luck!!

Rags's picture

Time to get preemptive. Since you and DH are the side of the equation with more physical kid time DH needs to file for CP status so that BM's likely attempt to relocate will look like retribution.

File first, she is left reacting.

I hope your baby efforts take a positive turn.

SAHsigh's picture

The CO we have was designed to prevent BM from making another custody grab for CS. There's a provision that states that if either DH or BM file for CS, primary custody goes to the other parent (thus making the party filing for CS required to pay CS to the other party.)

We've got a good attorney (we think -- she's got one of the best reputations in town for family law) but given that I work in law, I can also see this playing out like we're trying to make a CS grab... Just thinking (worrying) and I imagine this is better to bring to the atty's attention anyway.

Regardless, BM still hasn't spilled the beans about this secret chat and now it's been a week since she brought it up. She's still insisting that she needs to talk to DH in person and she won't really commit to a timetable. I wish she wouldn't keep dragging this out. If fertility issues weren't stressful enough, BM is good at making anything more stressful than it needed to be. DH is now postulating that it could be about relocation or maybe she has some kind of disease she wants to discuss. (Though if that's the case, I can assure you it'll be another reason she wants to alter our custody arrangements or elicit sympathy -- she loves to elicit sympathy!)

For what it's worth, BM and SKs are completely unaware that DH and I are looking into fertility matters and we would prefer to keep it that way for as long as possible.

Rags's picture

Since I have an autoimmune disease and my bride had a nearly fatal case of pre-eclamsia/toxemia with SS I decided not risk my brides health/life for another baby.

Only a few years ago my brides newest doc told us that she could safely carry another baby. It broke her heart that we had waited until as she called it "it was too late."

I still would not want to risk giving a baby my autoimmune issues but the thought of having a baby with my bride is a nice one.

I hope your efforts prove successful. Stick with it.

iluvcheese's picture

I am so sorry. I understand how frustrating it is. My DH & I can't stay pregnant. We had one miscarriage and one stillborn. Fertility issues are hard enough, you feel alone with this loss of a dream, it overtakes your life, everything becomes about fertility and babies/kids, completely overwhelming, but to have them when you're with a partner that has a child created this animosity and envy in me I didn't know was possible. I'm very sorry. It is very hard. I hope you find a way to get what you want.

SAHsigh's picture

Your description above is almost like you took it straight out of my head. Here's hoping we both get what we want. <3

iluvcheese's picture

I'm sorry you're in that headspace too. The best advice I was given about any of it was to join a support group or find other women that had struggles with fertility. I think it really helps to befriend them, because they do understand a lot of it. It made me feelless alone in it, because my H can't really understand when he has a kid. Hugs!

SAHsigh's picture

Secret revealed: BM wants to relocate over 800 miles away. Great, another relocation hearing...