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Valentine's Day

JLRB's picture

My husband and I have been married for two years and have 6 grown children between us. His now 33 year old daughter was the only one who was not happy when we announced we were getting married. She is married with a two year old. She is my husband's only daughter and still acts like she is the only woman in his life. We went on a cruise last week and she kept texting him as we were getting ready to fly, even reminding him to use sunscreen.

Yesterday, he received a Valentine's Day card in the mail from her. I said it was weird that someone her age is still sending her father Valentine's Day cards, but he doesn't agree. He didn't send her one this year, but he has in years past. Two years ago when we were getting married, she complained to her brother that Dad didn't send her a card that year.

Is it me, or is it strange for an adult woman to be sending her re-married father Valentine's Day cards?

2Tired4Drama's picture

In the greater scheme of things, this is probably just a tip of the iceberg when it comes to your SD33. While the card itself is not a big deal per se, it's a symptom of a bigger issue.

I send my sister and brother Valentine cards - it's a way of reaching out to them and letting them know I'm thinking of them. We are all AARP age! My SO may think this is odd but I don't care. Likewise, he sends his DD a Valentine Card even though she never reaches out to him (unless she wants something). It's his business, so I don't really care.

sammigirl's picture

Yes, I think it is sick. I could fill this page and more on the relationship between my DH and SD55. We have been married 36 years and it has always been that way.

I ignore it and let them have at it. I let my SD get into our marriage and into my thinking. SD no longer occupies either and it took me many years to disengage and consider my SD dead.

What my SD and DH do, I really don't care and since I've disengaged (after 30+ years); we are much better.

Focus on your marriage and love for your DH. THIS will drive your SD crazy. My SD is furious because we are doing much better; her problem, not mine. My DH is trying very hard to put our marriage back together, because of her; he still communicates with SD (very little), but I don't even think about it.

If your SD never approved in the beginning (mine did the same); ignore it and move forward with your DH. Please, don't let your SD get involved with your life with your DH. Let them have their thing and DON'T READ THE CARDS; destroy them when DH isn't paying attention and after he has forgot them. I remove anything that comes from SD in time; again "Out of sight, out of mind".

It is not fair and feel bad for you. But keep in mind, you had no part in raising this rude woman.

JLRB's picture

She runs hot and cold with contact with her father. His birthday was also a few days before Valentine's Day and she sent him a birthday card too, which is perfectly fine. She didn't need to also send the Valentine's card at the same time. She texted him a week or so before his birthday asking what his birthday plans were. His kids will make feeble attempts to get together, but never follow through. It was then that he told her we were going on the cruise. From that point on, she was texting him all week and signing off with "xo's".

I have disengaged from her as much as I can, but it's still hard to see him get sucked in whenever she shows him a little attention, all the while she treats me like I don't exist. My husband and his ex had a very ugly divorce (before I met him), and his daughter sided with the mother, even to the point of sending him hate mail. She now pretends that all is fine.

Thank you for your advice Sammigirl. I have read your posts. It's really a shame that these adult stepdaughters think they have the right to interfere in our marriages.

notasm3's picture

I got a Valentine card yesterday (had to be forwarded from my old address) from a college classmate from 40 years ago. She didn't send out Christmas cards so did Valentine's instead. I thought it was cute. One year I sent Halloween cards out as I always get too busy for Christmas cards.

JLRB's picture

I agree, Katielee. My husband and his ex-wife didn't have much of a marriage for years. I think his daughter got used to being the only woman in his life. She also says nasty things about her brother's wife too. There can be no other females in the lives of "her" men.

My husband has admitted to spoiling her growing up because she was the only girl. The problem is that she still thinks she's his little girl instead of a grown woman with her own family.

sammigirl's picture

I would just ignore it and let it go. It may be their norm and you would know that better than any of us. I wouldn't let it be known that it bothers you. My SD purposely does "little" passive aggressive things to let me know, she's still "Daddy's baby doll". It used to get under my skin; now I think she is pathetic, at her age. My SD has issues with DH having a life without her permission; she is a very controlling person; but with that said she doesn't control me and it really gets to her. }:)

Sounds like your SD is being passive aggressive; don't let her play this head game with you. It's a fact that your SD is "Daddy's little girl"; let that be a separate part of his life without you. I had to learn this too; it's not easy, but the high road for you.

JLRB's picture

Echo, it has nothing to do with him being married or not. I just think it's strange that a grown woman would be sending her father a Valentine's Day card. To me, Valentine's Day is a holiday observed between two people who are romantically involved.

Mine sounds like yours, Sammigirl. She doesn't want her father to have a life. I would never let her know that she bothers me. Thanks for your advice. It is not easy at times.

sammigirl's picture

Valentine Day is for lovers, I agree. My SD doesn't do the Valentine card thing, she probably will some day, but not yet. "Thinking of you" cards are for missed other cards.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I have read in several forums that Valentine's Day is only for lovers. If this is true, why has it been a tradition for at least the last 75 years in the United States for young children to exchange Valentine Day cards in school? Starting in the early 19th Century it became common for friends and relatives as well as lovers to exchange cards.

I realize that Valentine's Day has become a big commercial holiday in order for companies to make money. If you check out the Valentine Day card section at Hallmark you will see cards to cover just about any relationship including Moms, Dads and in-laws. I didn't see any for stepparents - but I did at Christmas.

I gave my parents cards, either separately or together, for every holiday that came along until my Dad died. No one in my family, including my DH, thought it was weird that I gave my Dad a Valentine.

In OP's case the card may have been sent without the purest of motives - but please don't paint all of us that send Valentine Day cards to our Dad's in a bad light.

sammigirl's picture

In my former post I noted "if it's the norm, let it go". Everyone to each his own. I also participated in the "kid, school, Valentine tradition" as a kid; I believe adults should use common sense; if the norm is parents, whoever, but one should consider everyone's feelings when giving cards or gifts. I have never given SIL (son-in-law) any gift, card, or conversation that would stir up my SD and I never will; although SD delights in doing it to me. Again, let the Valentine card thing go and move forward.

This may just be the norm and so be it; it's not our norm at my house, just saying, in our house Valentine's Day is romantic; my SD even feels the same way at her house. My SD would have me arrested if I sent SIL a Valentine card. :jawdrop:

Shaman29's picture

I think VDay cards to and from parents is a bigger deal in blended families. I think we tend to see it as the skids insinuating themselves in our relationship. Rather than it being just a simple I Love you gesture.

VDay doesn't have to be centered around romance. It's about love, whether that love is romantic or familial or platonic.