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Found out today

Michelled's picture

Discovered on my iPad that my husband texted exwifes and his children in a group msg that said happy thanksgiving wish you were here. Also found out on verizon that he called her a couple days ago. His daughters are 25 and 27. Should I just let this go? I feel like his kids will use this as yet another sign I'm unimportant to him

notasm3's picture

Me - I'd probably be DONE. I love my DH, and we have a nice life. But I made it clear early on that I would not tolerate his having a relationship with BM. That was my choice. Others are free to make a different choice.

DH and BM had been divorced for years and years - sons were about 22 and 32 years old. BM was happily remarried for many years. No real danger of them becoming romantically involved.

DH made the mistake of stopping by to visit with BM when he moved to the town she and I lived in. I went bat shit crazy. Now many woman would not have minded one bit. But I am ME, and I get to 100% decide what I am willing to accept in a relationship.

Having an emotional connection (even if not romantic or sexual) with an ex is NOT something I will tolerate. DH of course had the option to stay with me under MY terms or to move on.

He chose to stay - but if he decided that he "missed BM" and "wished she were there" he would be removed from my life - permanently.

DH and BM, DH and 2nd wife, and DH's parents all had rounds of on and off with their marriages - the whole "let's try again" routine. Me - I no long want to even entertain the thought of a "do over". It's once and out for me. I learned that the hard way.

But only you can decide whether you are willing to share your DH's affections with another woman.

furkidsforme's picture

I would be devastated. DEVASTATED.

"Happy Thanksgiving" is one thing... you could pass that off as just being polite. If you would say it to the grocery clerk or a stranger than ok, it passes the sniff test.

But "Wish you were HERE"??????? Um, NO. He is expressing he misses her.

oneoffour's picture

I would tell him I was moving out and he was welcome to move in the woman he misses more than the woman he lives with. Because this is what is boils down to. He misses BMs company while he has yours. So therefore he isn't happy and wants her back in his life.

Although you said it was in a group message. Which may mean he misses not having his kids there, not necessarily his exes. They just got caught in the message. However certainly bring it up that he let his exes know he misses them. Which makes you what? Missable?

Rags's picture

Com with the X over adult children is never.... repeat.... never appropriate within a marriage to a different SO... ever.... no matter what... except in the event of a terminal kid illness... maybe, but only maybe.

A spouse needs to understand that their X is in the past, is history, and only the life partner is to be treated as a spouse.

IMHO of course. Jerk a knot in his tail and beat clarity into his head that not only is this inappropriate but that it will NEVER happen again unless he wants another XW who will make his life a living hell.

IMHO of course.

sandye21's picture

Glad to hear you have not married this guy yet, and are aware that there may be a day you will walk away from the relationship. Many of us were blind to certain 'signs' before we married, and have been sorry for it for decades. Just take your time, let him take you out for a good meal from time to time, and enjoy the companionship - until you become overly saturated with inequities in your education and views. Or come across a man who is more suitable.

Merry's picture

This is probably right, but who wants to be in a relationship where one partner can't bring up something that is troubling? I wouldn't be able to keep quiet And if my DH was an ass about talking through something that bothered me, well, that would tell me a whole lot.

Talk to him. Your feelings are just as valid as his, and you have every right to say how you feel and ask for what you need. Just stay focused on how YOU feel, and what YOU need.

still learning's picture

Those kind of unnecessary messages send mixed signals to BM and the kids. I would confront him, if he really wishes BM were there they maybe it's time for a send off. Buh bye.

hatesteplife's picture

How did you find it on your ipad? Were you included in the message? Which to me would mean that he wasn't hiding anything?

BSgoinon's picture

I'm going to play devils advocate for just a minute here, because my mom has done this unintentionally.

My family has several group text threads that are ongoing. They include:

-My mom, dad, my 3 older sisters and I

-My mom and 3 older sisters and I

-My 3 older sisters and I

-My 3 older sisters, 1 younger sister and myself

Occasionally, my mom will text on the thread that includes my dad and discuss her finances, or her health and I KNOW this isn't something she intends for my dad to see, so I have to text her separately and remind her DAD IS ON THAT THREAD. She always feels embarrassed and thanks me for letting her know WRONG THREAD.

Is it possible that he text on an existing thread that possibly the kids started, not knowing ExWife was on it? Maybe... Just a thought? If not, then HELL NO, I would not be ok with it.

My ex and I have a thread with our oldest, she is 14. Basically it is information about her grades, her softball team, and sometimes her being grounded. She named it the "*DD14* is in BIG TROUBLE" thread.

As for the phone call... I can't think of many reasons to call an ex when the kids are grown.. I got nothin for that one.

C's picture

He should have just said "Happy Thanksgiving" and left it at that. He did not need to add the "wish you were here" shit. I would throw a shitfit if my DH texted BM that. There would be a fight.