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Holiday phone calls

dirtybiology's picture

We celebrated our Thanksgiving with SS7 last Sunday because he will be at his mom's for the real day this year. I personally don't think it is necessary for us to call him tomorrow and talk to him considering we already celebrated our holiday together. However, his BM would do it if the places were swapped.

In the past, for Christmas, she will have him call us right after he opens presents and tell us what he got. I honestly don't care? I understand he might be excited to call and talk to us but we will see him in less than 24 hours, why can't it wait? We have also had him call her because I guess we were following her lead.. but I don't know if it is necessary.

This year Christmas falls on her week but it is our holiday. So we will only get him for a 24 hour period and she will have already celebrated her "Christmas morning" with him the day before. Is it really necessary for him to call her after he opens gifts when he is going to see her later that night? Sometimes I just really want to enjoy a day without hearing her voice/name in my house. Plus, I am kind of a Christmas hater at times and I feel like him calling just to talk about presents defines the holiday to be just about presents and it drives me crazy.

How do you guys handle things like this, or what do you think is appropriate? I really wish I didn't even worry about crap like this and could get over one little phone call.. but damn me, I can't.

Stepmom09's picture

BM always wants to Skype with SS on holidays. It is super annoying we have really strict computer rules in our house. No computers/tablets in bedrooms and doors must be open. So SS has to skype in the living room BM demands no one else is in the room. So awkwardness always happens. We also don't let SS move the laptop (he drops things and it is actually my lap top) BM also asks him to take the computer into his room and show her _____ (some toy usually) Then she accuses us of listening in if we walk down the hall near the living room. (who the hell things a kid should be alone with a computer) We also have an open house. Kitchen/dining room/living room all one room. So BM also gets mad if I am in the kitchen well no duh holidays I send the day in the kitchen.

scifimom's picture

We try to give the kids space, but BM has no rights to tell us OR YOU were you can be in your home on your time. Even if it's in the agreement to allow reasonable access, I'm guessing that it says no where that you have to provide the child with a soundproof room. If BM has issue, she can buy him a iPod and he can Facetime in his room.

dirtybiology's picture

Doesn't want anyone else in the room? Gosh, so dramatic.
BM accused us of screening calls or making SS talk to her on speaker and I am just thinking what the eff makes you think I want to hear your voice?!

If she wants to skype she can do it on your terms, otherwise your laptop might accidentally break and it won't happen ever again.

I guess I am lucky we never started the skype thing, we also have really awful internet because we live in the country so it probably couldn't even support a skype call.

robin333's picture

Please do not let BM insist on anything in your home. You have rules, that laptop stays put. YOU are the lady of the house and you and your DH are the only ones that can determine who is where in your home.

Young_one's picture

Your rules are your rules. When the child resides with you then it's your call. If she doesn't like it, tough cookies!

You are being NICE enough to allow him to use your technology to speak with her and if it doesn't work for her then your technology doesn't need to be used to speak with her!

BM (SO/DH) sometimes forget Step-parents DON'T have to do the things they do!

-young_one

dirtybiology's picture

I need to figure out how to get a no call rule going in our house. Or maybe still allow it, but much later in the day so it isn't about presents.

We have grilled into SS7 about how you act when you receive a gift. Our first Christmas together he did a lot of "I have this at my moms house" and I know he didn't mean it rudely but I was offended. So now he just says thank you and if he wants to comment that he has it at his mom's he can also add that he is excited to have it at dad's too.

One time he made such a rude comment (I don't think it was during xmas) but I actually said okay Ill take it back then, snatched up the gift, and hid it.

WalkOnBy's picture

Last year, ASS actually looked at my mom and said, "uh, I didn't want this."

This year, ASS won't be getting anything from my mother }:)

You DO NOT behave in an ungrateful manner around my mom. No way. Nuh-uh.

robin333's picture

Damn it, everyone is getting to use that term except me. Guess I'll be calling a DH a porch dick so I can finally use it.

Young_one's picture

Good for you not allowing him to develop a spoiled attitude!

again, people forget step parents don't have to do the things they do!

-young_one

Young_one's picture

I feel you have every RIGHT to not have to deal with the ex EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. of the year...

If your SS is going to see her the next morning then I see no reason for him to call *minutes* after you open presents to discuss what was bought. (That invades on YOUR family time which is not right to YOUR family)

He's getting old enough to understand that every *request* doesn't always get met, and sometimes its for important reasons!

-young_one

doglady's picture

No we don't do any calls going back and forth really. A birthday is the one real exception that I can even think of. Even if my husband was going to call his kids I can not think of one good reason that I would talk to them. Why are you taking time to talk to them on the phone? I enjoy my time without them and it would really annoy me if dh had to stop things to talk to them on the phone. He used to do it more and then he realized how much of a waste of time it was. They are kids they are busy and they are really not all that fun to talk to on the phone.

dirtybiology's picture

Seriously. I can tell he doesn't even want to be on the phone. So awkward.

doglady's picture

dup

doglady's picture

dup

scifimom's picture

I was actually going to re-post about the dreaded phone calls myself.

Our BM doesn't ask skids about their day or school or how they are, she spends the time telling them all the ways it's more fun to be with her. She spent yesterday's call, two weeks out from Christmas telling them about all the places they were going to open presents on her time and all the fun Christmas things they'd be doing with her. She has them Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday - she can't have this conversation with them then? She constantly has to downplay the skids time with us and make their time with here sound better. Its infuriating.

We were getting so angry when BM started disrupting our time every few days during the summer. She'd ask to talk to the kids and DH would give them the phone regardless of what we were doing (like our yearly fishing outing on the lake). He'd just give them the phone and never tell her no because he didn't want to deal with the hassle. Reversely we never call on BM's time because we know that it's disruptive and that the kids forget about it in about 3sec of hanging up the phone. We have however, told the kids that if ever they want to talk to us, to ask BM to call us - she refuses because she believes it's not the children's right but the parent's right to call. We've started giving her time frames of when she can call, generally first thing in the morning, when the skids haven't started anything for the day yet.

I had come across a great article at that time when I was trying to find some research on how these calls are bad for the kids. It actually helped us to better cope with the calls, but of course I can't find it now. The article reminded me (and I was a child of divorce) that for these kids, they don't get to experience life with both parents equally anymore. That especially for those who did live with both parents together, it's harder for them to not experience the things that are important to them or exciting for them with both parents at the same time. And, even for the parent to have your child in your life every day and then suddenly you can't access them, it's hard - no matter how we feel about the other parent.

Your SS is excited because kids get excited about these things. We all know that for most kids, that Christmas is about toys and playing. That's what he's going to be happy about and happy to tell his parents about. He wants his adults to experience his happiness with him. It's a child's nature to be excited about things. We teach the skids to be polite and appreciative (some corrective reconditioning from their time with BM was necessary) and that there are people and kids around the world with nothing - I had a talk with ss9 yesterday about the Syrian refugees that arrived in Canada on Thursday and how they were living and why it was so very important that those of us who can help, do help. They understand as much as kids can and are sensitive to others. My bio-nephew-6 is incredibly well-behaved and aware of others less fortunate, but both he and skids go insane over their presents. While it seems materialistic, that's the way it is.

Try to look at it this way...
If he's calling you, it simply means he loves you and wants to share his world with you.
If he wants to call BM, it simply means that he loves her too.

If BM is forcing the calls, it's her right for reasonable access, but it's your time. You are not her employee acting on her whim. She must conform to you, your time, your home, your rules.

**And to add to this, 3rd call from BM in 3 days for us JUST ended. My blood-pressure is completely up - BUT sd6 is sick, and BM told us she would call every day to talk to her because she was concerned. While we're perfectly capable of caring for SD6, I get that she'd want to speak with her ill child. At least this time SD6 was talking about her Elf on the Shelf, but only because I'm pretty sure that BM reminded her to bring all of her toys home that she brought here. Elf is currently cuddling with all her toys while playing her brother's iPod. I'm sure BM is having choice words about how we're making so that the kids can't play with her toys.