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11 year old daughter is constantly causing problems

StepDad49's picture

So I feel like I could write a novel on everything that my family and I have had to endure, but the end result is that I have a 13yr old stepson and 11 year old stepdaughter, 5 yr old daughter and 4 year old son and we won 100% custody last year from drug addict and bipolar real dad. My stepson is a great strong kid despite everything he has dealt with. Stepdaughter is rude, spiteful, immature, dirty and has giant attitude issue at all times. Furthermore if I try to correct her for talking blatently disrespectful (rolling eyes, saying whatever/sure with no real intention of actually being better, etc.), her mother defends her and says I am the one causing it by following her around and correcting her. She has the unfortunate mix of being incredibly immature and moody/defiant at all times. I do not "follow her around" but I do correct her when she does something wrong (like doesnt ever flush toilet after taking a dump and stinks up whole upstairs, leaves clothes in middle of hallway, hits younger siblings and screams at them, etc). She does have ADD and is on medication, but it is not enough. She is also not very smart and does not do well at school but at least has a good attitude at school. She is very good and behaved with others and at school, but is a monster at home. Am I being unfair and should just leave her alone more and chalk all the poor choices and attitude to adolescence, or do I have a teenage drug addict delinquent in the making? She has been to therapy with no real results, but I feel like all three of us need to go together. The worst part is her younger sister sees all this behaviour and is beginning to emulate her. My wife says it is just the sisters attitude as well, but I believe it is learned behaviour from stepdaughter. Daughter doesn't act like that with me, but does with my wife. My wife is a great mother taking care of the children and also works hard, but I just dont feel like she has a grip on child/parent boundaries and carrying through with proper punishment. Im sure you can guess this is also a major issue in my marriage as well and is driving a wedge between us too. Any discussion I have tried to have with my wife about this I am told that I am the problem and I need to change. I honestly truly believe that I am reasonable and that SD is way out of line and the problem and my wife being on her side just empowers her more. My wife and I have been having many issues lately, but my SD and my wife and i being on opposite ends is at the core of almost all of it. Thanks to any and all who read all this and provide any guidance. Regardless of anything here, I think we all need to go to counseling to seek professional objective opinions.

StepDad49's picture

Wow. Kind of refreshing to hear the simple honest objective approach. Easier said than done. Whenever I try that I get issues from wife that im ignoring her and that I need to help her but also be compassionate and understanding. Wife says if I show SD respect then she will show me respect. Not sure that is true though as she has just as many issues with her as I do. Im also constantly told that Imentallyd to talk to the children (mainly SD and younger siblings) to behave and have better day for mom's sanity. Despite not being their real dad, we have been together for several years and ive really assumed the full father role in the family.

Maybe it isnt me and I need someone else to objectively tell wife that I am not the problem here and wife is causing/exasperating the problem by not being on my side. My wife is a good mom, just feel like she always puts children before me and protects them over me at any cost (including our relationship). While I know that isnt fair, I can understand to some extent as real dad was physically and mentally abusive. Once upon a time I was the knight in shining armor that saved them all from that situation. Now I feel like that has been long forgotten and im just the bank roll.

blayze's picture

That "knight in shining armor" crap is for the birds. Though it gives a man an ego boost to play the rescuer role, he later learns that he "saved" a booby prize --- a girlchild who he'll have to prop up for life. The damsel in distress turns into the damn soul who causes stress...for you...her enabler. If you date or marry a parent, they need to have their shit together or else you're gonna have a bad time. Wink Challenge your wife to parent her child because you and your children shouldn't have to live in chaos because of your wife's crap choices. Stop paying for this life...

StepDad49's picture

Thanks for the responses all. Really appreciate the third party advice! Totally agree with u twingenuity. It was the downfall of gen X and I dont wish to repeat it with my kids. I told my wife many times that I want our relationship to come first, then the kids. If we dont have a good relationship then guess who suffers the worst? If we have a good relationship and are happy, the kids will be fime and learn that the most important thing is their relationship in the future. Now I just need to get my wife on board with that whole concept... she seems to agree but then forgets again the next day Blum 3

JDiddy1345's picture

I feel your pain 100%! The kids see that a wedge is driven in between you and your wife when you stand up and she falls down. At no time should any adult, parent or not, have to deal with a disrespectul child who thinks the world owes him something. The world doesn't revolve around your wife's kids and she will soon find out that world will eat them up with the kind of attitudes they are developing. It's really sad that we live in a society that places marriage so much farther down the chain than children. The parents (bio or not) are the foundation of any household and any other theory has it all backwards. I feel like you somedays.....I get it. And I am not married to SO yet. I feel like a fly on the wall when my SO is busy kissing his kids' asses half of the week they are with us. Ugh.

YOu can do this. Or find someone who doesn;t have kids and will appreciate your efforts. YOU deserve to be happy Smile (What a concept!!!)

StepDad49's picture

Just wanted to say thanks again to everyone who commented. Had another issue this mornings with her being totally out of control and incredibly rude. When I get up close to her to correct her she screams and collapses to the floor. Told mom that I "slammed her up against the table and hurt her jaw". Im tired of all the games and this girls lies could get me in some real trouble. I really need to take a new approach and have a serious discussion with mom about all this.

Lucykp2's picture

That is dreadful and I’m so sorry you’re going through it.
I feel that every family is so different. Your wife is going to feel protective over her daughter due to everything she has gone through. However, she can’t get away with that kind of behaviour.

Definitely recommend counselling. I hope things ease for you

Jzell67's picture

Wow that's no good. You could get into serious trouble.

Seriously step back or you could find yourself in jail.

She is a master manipulator already.