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New and overwhelmed

jssdallas's picture

I am fairly newly married (less than 2 years) and have two step-children and had a baby recently with my husband. For the most part all is well but my husbands ex has some serious legal trouble pending and my husband had historically set very poor boundaries with his ex. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and want to just leave but I can't because of my daughter. The hardest part is that BM and I are so different (eg the fact that she is facing serious federal charges is nuts to me) but she is the kids mom so I have to sit on my hands about my real feelings about the situaion. Any pearls of wisdom from anyone? Most days I am fine but some I think I can't do it and I feel stuck. My husband feel that it is easier to just do what she wants to keep the peace but she is sort of a bully. I have tried to explain that people without boundaries don't like when people impose them. I think you can successfully co parent and maintain respectful boundaries. She is the type that if she does not get her way (despite a reasonable explanation) she will take you to the mat (court). Just feel so frustrated sometimes that we are ruled, at times, by a bully who is in serious legal hot water- like the kind of poor decision making that we would never face and we have to just let her get her way bc she is a bully!?

bearcub25's picture

Disengage. There are a lot of blogs about it and google it to learn more. Its the only way you will survive if your DH won't put up boundaries.

jssdallas's picture

Just think about it on a bad day. Just that it would be much easier on some levels but also much worse on other levels. The ex is the issue, not his children. And I just hope that as we are married longer and he realizes that he does not have to put up with her bullying it will improve. Thank you for your feedback!

WTF...REALLY's picture

Your DH has to set boundaries. If not, your life will be hell. By chance, could BM end up in jail?

Snowflake's picture

Things can change, but you need to have a real talk with your dh. Boundaries need to be set, and bm will not like it, and that is her problem. She may try to use her kids to hurt you, again her problem.

You need to tell him point blank that you do not want her involved in your life at all. Your child should not suffer through a divorce because of these people. I am not one of the people on here that will tell you to put the skid first, your daughter comes first. So you do what you need to to get this bm out of your life. And disengage from the skid, it will much easier to concentrate on your marriage and kid.

jssdallas's picture

I agree. We need our relationship to be rock solid. And forsaking all others includes his ex. If we are solid then all the rest will line up and in the end will be BETTER.

jssdallas's picture

Yuck. I think that so much of the parenting when parents divorce comes from fear. Fear that somehow one parent (in this case my DH) will lose affection or that the BM will turn the kids against him. He doesn't realize that given her legal issues she needs to step back, say a THANK YOU and be nice to the people who could be the ones RAISING HER CHILDREN if she goes to jail.

hereiam's picture

As long as your DH lets his ex bully him, she will.

My husband's ex is litigious, also. The best thing he ever did was take her to court for contempt. She never thought he would do something like that and once he did, once she realized that he knew his rights, she started leaving us alone..

Your DH needs to set those boundaries and know his rights. She can take him to court for whatever but that doesn't mean she has a leg to stand on. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better but it can be so worth it. He has to ask himself if his marriage and life with you is worth it.

What kind of legal trouble is the ex in? It seems that if she is in legal trouble herself, she might be a bit less willing to go to court for nonsense issues.

I don't get men who would rather keep the peace with their ex than with their spouse.

jssdallas's picture

She got upset when we would not let her take the kids home after a school performance. But she had texted earlier and said-I can take them or you can pick them up as planned. I wrote back-Oh I'll just pick them up as planned, thank you. And it set off a FIRE storm. She requested a copy of the divorce decree (which DH sent over-I would have just made her find it herself) and I'm sure it reminded her that our flexible nature (read, DH not stirring the pot and no boundaries) is her gain so it sort of died, but she does NOT respect our time with the kids. I do think that the one good thing that came out is that he told her that he feels she does not respect our time. And she doesn't it. When she gets the kids early it takes 400 points of contact to coordinate a drop off/pick up. But they started this pattern long before I arrived. Just tough.

And she is in some pretty serious legal trouble, but she is indignant and a bully so probably would not fear taking us to court. She's on a roll with attorneys...