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So tired of watching DH hurt.....

kalinda's picture

Some of you may remember from some of my earlier posts that in DH's CO it says that his girls (SD13 & SD11) cannot be forced into visitation. This was stupidly agreed upon when they went to mediation a few months ago, he had a horrible attorney. OSD13 has not been to our house in over a year now because "she just doesnt like me and she can't do dishes because it makes her sick" and YSD11 comes as she pleases but he is supposed to have them 1st, 2nd & 4th weekends of the month Thursday - Monday. The kids last day of school was yesterday, today DH gets a text from BM and here was their conversation

BM: if you are not off work tomorrow then YSD11 will not be coming until tomorrow night.

DH: I will be there to get SD11 at 5.

BM: She will not be left home alone with "those boys" (meaning my BS13 & BS12).

DH: No Shit Sherlock, because I do not need you making up lies about anything. I can handle things with my daughter when she is with me, I am perfectly capable thank you very much.

BM: She doesnt want to be there with them. I dont have to say a damn thing to them. They make their own decisions on their own. Its you and how you handle things that are ruining your relationship with your daughters.

DH: I will be there to get SD11 at 5.

BM: ummmm she is not to be forced to go and she will not be coming.

So DH then called SD11 and here was their conversation

DH: So you dont want to come spend my day off with me tomorrow.

SD11: You didn't tell my momma you were off tomorrow.

DH: I don't have to tell your momma everything I do, are you gonna come hang out with me or not?

SD11: What are we doing this weekend?

DH: It doesn't matter what we are going to do, are you going to come or not?

SD11: I want to know what we are going to be doing.

DH: It doesn't matter what we are going to be doing, either you come and do whatever with me or you dont.

SD11: If you won't tell me what we are doing then I wont come.

DH: Then I guess thats your choice and you will miss out on whatever fun we have.

SD11: Fine bye...

I AM SO SICK of this crap. WHY do skids and BM's get to call all the shots? Don't get me wrong I am a BM too and there are certain times I do feel the need to call shots, like a couple of months ago my exh's family started calling me telling me there were too many drugs in his house for my kids to be there......So I called our PC, met with him and put a stop to the visitation until I am provided with drug tests of everyone living in that house. BUT I did this the legal and right way with the backing of my attorney and the PC. So many BM's and skids think they should call all the shots and run everything in Dad and SM's home. This is BULL and I am sick of seeing my DH hurt over this.

Sorry Rant Over.

kalinda's picture

I asked him the same thing when he called me right after mediation. WTH? Why would you agree to that? He did it because his attorney told him to agree to it. Like I said he had a horrible attorney.

SMof2Girls's picture

I don't think the "no shit sherlock" comment helped in the situation; and likely set the tone for a combative convo.

If he's not willing to get the CO changed to force visitation, he can expect this type of thing to continue.

kalinda's picture

Probably didnt help matters but he is so sick and tired of her trying to dictate every single thing that goes on in our house I understand why he said it.

ocs's picture

Sounds like it could have been a conversation in this house... I feel for you. This had been going on for 4 years with us, and it has irreversibly damaged my relationship, view, perception, everything of SD.

There were times when DH was on his way to pick up SD and she would text him and say she wasn't coming. Then times he would pull up at their ghetto house and no one was home.

Their mediation says that visitation is up to skid with BM giving final approval/permission. Who gives that kind of power to a child?

Now of course SD14 has figured out her 'currency'. Visitation is gifted, so she shows up... I sincerely hope he figures it out one day.

kalinda's picture

Because of all of this I can't stand either SD, I hate the way they treat their dad and when YSD is with us she is so disrespectful to her dad. Its so much easier when she is not there, but I hate seeing him hurt, I hate seeing him get his hopes up just to have them crushed by 2 spoiled brats that do not deserve everything he does for them.

I do not understand giving kids so much power, it just feeds the entitlement attitude that the young people in this country have developed.

ocs's picture

sorry- hit submit too soon.

Because of what I saw her put her father through, I cannot forgive. I put up with her, I am polite etc. but that's as far as it goes.

ocs's picture

I totally agree, but not all of them had your wisdom and now have to figure it out.

It may take some bumps, but finding a solution is key- not placing blame.

Jsmom's picture

This is what happens when you don't follow the CO and let the kids dictate. Because she was allowed to do this, she will control everything. Good for him for not being a Disney Dad.

If this is happening at 11, she will be really fun at 14 and then 18.

morethanibargainedfor's picture

We struggle daily with BM and SD calling the shots. SO will not allow it. We have not seen SD13 in over a month for this exact reason. She wanted to see her new boyfriend one weekend and SO told her it wasn't going to happen on his weekend and she lost it and refused to come and BM encouraged it.
She always wants to know what they are going to be doing on the weekend and he will never tell her. Now she has set "conditions" for which she will come back to our house and SO basically told her to shove her conditions up her ass because she is the kid and he is the adult and she doesn't get to make the rules. You don't like what we do at our house? Then don't come! Its pretty simple. It's hard but that's the way it has to be. He will not give the power of our house to a 13 year old kid who doesn't know her ass from her face.

Calypso1977's picture

well, at least your CO actually says the kids have a choice.

our BM and SD13 pull this crap all the time and SD13 does not have a choice, and a judge recently reiterated that SD13 is an immature kid who does not have a choice in visits.

kalinda's picture

No, if he is not going to be home she does not come. He was unwilling to tell her what our plans as a family are for the weekend. She has a habit of not coming unless we are going to the movies or out to dinner or whatever she deems "fun".

ocs's picture

It got to be like that with us too-

SD was calling the shots and DH was taking it. Then it got too much and he told both of them he wasn't doing it anymore. He told SD, you want to see me? OK- call. We will figure it out.

This then became my fault of course, BM told SD I didn't want her to come over and SD has ZERO critical thought- I mean- I don't want her here. So why would I be upset that she wasn't coming??? duh... anyway...

Visits were super sporadic and based on 'FUN' and DH clued in.

Even now- he thinks he's lucky to pick her up and take her to the mall.. :O

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Ahhhhh the dreaded teenagers who believe they are almost adults and can make their own decisions.

My SD didn't like her Mom unless she was doing something fun. Then the dreaded my boyfriend and my friends ~ I never get to hang out with my friends. During these years ~ the fathers start to lose their kids due to social lives ~ which they are entitled to but watching my fiancé's face is crushing. The years of just hanging out with his kid has come and gone. Kids want to find their own place in life ~ but at the expense out the parents heart strings.

Sd was always at our house ~ until she was getting in trouble ~ then fiancé told her if you don't like it here then don't come.

My reaction , yepppiee Hercules Hercules